Follow
Share

My mom and dad have been living with my sister, my dad is still there. We tried not telling him but he is too sad and wants to know,what's,wrong. It's heartbreaking to see him go over and over again and again like it,was,the first,time. My mom was,my dads,primary caregiver for last 9 years. He has dementia. He won't shower. Depends and robes are his cloths. Trying not to put him in the no home just dont know what to do.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

28 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Don't tell him! Conract your local area agency on aging. He might qualify for at home help. But he woukd not be safe left on his own, I think.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Since he can't remember, it's seems that hurting him over and over may not be productive. Sometimes, my cousin forgets her parents are dead. I just go along with it. There is no point in making her sad.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
My father died a year and four months ago. Mom keeps asking for confirmation that he is dead; she also see's him and often thinks he is in the bedroom. Refraining from telling her is not an option because she will persist until I answer. Then in the next breath it's how we are going to manage financially now that he is gone. I keep reassuring her that we are fine right now.

On some level there seems to be a need to maintain contact with this reality, no matter how painful it is. If she thinks he's alive, she will complain that she never had a husband; he's always been sick, never there. When she's aware that he is dead, she acknowledges she misses him so much because "you need a man around the house" and "I felt safe with him." Forget love/companionship/ sharing, lol. People grieve uniquely, and what works for one does not work for another. However, it would appear that because he is asking, and struggling to hold on to that memory, there is a need for him to know. Is there anything he would like to do to have closure or have a good bye ceremony in his own way?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Mom was aware of her husband's passing for several years afterward, but progressing dementia changed that. I wrote a personal history for her which included a paragraph about each of her children, and her grandchildren, and included the deaths of her husband and later, I added that of her sister. This helped to center her and place her in reality whenever she asked about her family. She thanked me for this history often. As Mom asked more questions about her family, I added paragraphs for them as well and since they were all gone except for her youngest brother, I included mentions of their funeral and burial with a few pieces of detail that would help her access that memory or at least confirm that she attended those events, which is important to her as her family, big as it was, was extremely close. The history is now 16 pages long, but Mom no longer reads it. It was a good assist to her memory for several years. At this time it is best if the conversation doesn't go there because I do not think that Mom has the fortitude needed to handle the reality of all of her family gone but for the younger generation, which I do talk about when I visit her -- I introduce the topic and keep the discussion on the children and grandchildren because family is the big topic for Mom. I think women have more connection to the younger generation and to their friends. Men often seem more confined in their relationships, only close to a couple of friends and major members of the family.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
I've not been in this situation, so forgive me if my suggestion is at all inappropriate, but what if you left a picture of the lost loved one in their room, with one or two signed sympathy cards propped open nearby, or a funeral announcement with a picture of the loved one with a phrase that said "In Loving Memory..." This rather than having to tell them each time, perhaps if they say it written and acknowledged by others it might somehow "stick" or at least not trigger fresh grief each time they saw it. It's painful for you both to have to explain over and over again...I'm so sorry that this is happening for you.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Instead of reminding him that she has died, you might encourage him to talk about the wonderful times they had together. Open-ended questions work best. He might be depressed. A trip to his family doctor sounds like a good idea.
Good luck
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
If you have tried explaining the truth and he doesn't remember, then as you say it would be pointless and cruel to tell him over and over. If that is the case, then creative lies are the kindest thing. Is there perhaps some far away relative that your mother could be "visiting" or "caring for". You might have to get really creative with some reason she cant be reached when he wants to call her. You can remind him that he just talked to her on the phone yesterday and he might be ok with that. Maybe an occasional card or letter from "her" would help.

Dementia removes the most recent memories first, so you need to determine where he is in time to adjust your loving lies. Is it just the past six weeks that he is missing, or is he back to before he was totally dependent on her. It will most likely change over time and he will go back further so you have to be prepared to adjust your story.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
As has been said, everyone grieves differently. The type and stage of the dementia makes a difference, as well. For some, simply saying that "you'll see him/her soon" is enough, or "He's running errands but you'll see him soon." For others who insist that his or her spouse is dead (when that is the truth), the idea mentioned of asking for stories of fun things they did together may work. Sadly, there is no one answer.

The bottom line is that you want to avoid as much “new” grief as you can. However, you also want to address their concerns.

When the stage of dementia, particularly Alzheimer's, is advanced, generally saying "you'll see him soon" and then doing something that is distracting will work.
When the stage is earlier on or the dementia has not affected the memory, it's better to agree briefly and then try to distract by asking for stories if that seems to help, or doing something completely different if that works better.

It's always going to be hard. I do believe that whether or not the living spouse remembers the death of the loved one, his own life will now be limited. Very often spouses give up living and died before long. Not always, of course.
Update us when you can. We can listen even when we can fix your situation.
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
After my dad died we moved Mom to independent living facility. Shortly after moving in she asked when Dad would be coming over. I told her as gently as possible that Daddy had died. She just looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language. I realized then that she had buried that memory as deeply as she possibly could. After that when she asked about Dad, I answered with vague answers as best I could but never mentioned that he had died. She is now 96 with severe dementia and often talks about Dad coming over. I just say, "Oh, that's nice".
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Dear everyone:
I guess the frustrating situation. Cheer up!
Very clever idea of ​​these simulations !, besides putting immediate solution, they can be fun. But also embarrassing. However it can be a creative and beneficial experience.
Creative lies can help, but should be very careful. I think.

Respect hearing voices or seeing dead loved ones, we have a big social taboo.
Listening to the experiences of other cultures, we can understand ourselves better.

John Read, britanic specialist psychologist sexual abuse and psychosis, who is living in New Zeland now, If you hear voices and see visions ... it is not a symptom of mental illness.
He said that for the human species, it is not uncommon to hear voices and see visions: it's part of our nature! 15% of people hear voices.

80% of people over 60 who has lost a spouse or some very dear ... will hear or see at some point during the first year of mourning! .....But we prefer not to discuss it with anyone ...
John Read said that "....a good friend of mine was killed in a car accident ... I'm so sorry ... The next day he appeared to me, came to say goodbye to me ...Is there a scientific explanation?....The first is to accept the fact without problematize, for what aid is not know how it happens, but to clarify what it means!
And what does it mean?
It is a message to fit the biography of those who live it! But the psychiatrist, instead of listening to the patient ... it dopa! You should see how it fits the message in his life story. We call madness ... and it is a message.... The psychiatrist must achieve, with humility, sensitivity and patience, the patient becomes author of the story of his life ..."

More info will be to thank.
Regards from sunny Spain. ;)
F
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Try showing him photos of her and see if he remembers what she looks like. Talk about pleasant times with your mother and there is nothing you can do that will bring his memory back to him, but just be there for him until his time to go. Dementia is THE hardest on family members who want to do more, but this is a sliding slope disease which only gets worse. I would try to offer him a shower or sponge bath and get him dressed. He may feel better and so will you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
The same thing happened with my mom...she didn't remember that Dad was gone and when we told her, she thought he just died the day before and was starting to grieve all over again, saying "What am I going to do without him, where will I live, etc(she had been living here for 4 years, he had been gone for 8). We explained that he had died 8 years before and she became more upset, thinking she had not been there when he died, for the funeral, etc. We could not calm her down about it that night so one of her caregivers spent the night with her. The next morning she was perfectly fine and remembered nothing about the incident. There is no easy answer, depending on what stage of dementia they're in and what their present reality about the situation is. Sometimes, a gentle reminder of the truth is needed but sometimes we have to enter their "reality" to assuage their stress. You just have to consider the factors and decide what the best approach is for each episode. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Fernando, thank you for your comments. Because it is my first experience with death in the immediate family, the only familiarity I had with hallucinations was when dad would see people in the closet, babies or dead relatives of his. As he drew closer to the end, his hallucinations changed from those related to drugs and other medical conditions to a more spirit-based nature. In the last months of his life he would see and talk to dead relatives and, during the dying process, would actually be reaching out and trying to get out of the bed to go to them.

My mom tends to be receptive to "psychic" or spiritual experiences. When her dad, who lived overseas, died, she heard the door opening and him saying "Bye, Mol" Since my dad died a year and four months ago, she sees him "clear as anything" but can't describe what he is wearing; he is always at some distance from her. Quite often, she senses/sees him in his bed. It's not the type of hallucination I associate with psychosis. As one of my friends suggested, he may be just waiting for her and giving her encouragement. She isn't afraid of the visions.

I, on the other hand, have not dreamed about dad (at least not in deceased form), and have not had auditory or visual "hallucinations" of him. Maybe that is because I was prepared or did not have any unresolved grief, or perhaps because I am not receptive/am afraid of this form of communication.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Comforting a loved one with dementia who has lost a spouse if also difficult for the caregiver if they are also grieving that loss. Neglecting personal hygeine is usually one of the signs of depression or simply not feeling the strength to complete those tasks. Dementia will mean that even without this recent loss he would be refusing baths etc. Bringing in a male personal care aid for showers a couple of times a week could help with the bathing. Men tend not to like to take orders from a woman specially a family member. As with all bathing of elders make sure the bathroom is safe and warm and privacy is respected. Keep the lighting as low as it is safe to do so while actually having the patient undressed and wash private parts under a towel if that is a problem or from behind as that is less intrusive. As far as getting dressed is concerned there is really nothing wrong with depends and a robe as long as they are clean. I think a picture of mom in the room is a good idea even if he does not recognize her. If he asks you can just say something non comical like. "Doesn't she look happy that was taken on holiday two years ago when you had such a good time at the casino" that may attempt to steer his mind in another direction. Never lie to direct question but try and redirect the conversation. 'The dog was really naughty this morning......."
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Movies have always been my emotional hiding place, started in childhood and continues to this day. I have an annoying tendency to quote and reference movies a lot. Forgive me if this sounds glib. I am reminded to two movies regarding this sad situation. Ground Hog Day - where Bill Murray relives the same day over and over. How terribly tragic that for your father this means reliving the loss of his wife - I can't imagine anything more sad. The second movie is 50 First Dates where Adam Sandler dates a woman with no short term memory. His solution was to make a video that she watches every morning. It explains her memory problem and includes people she can remember telling her how her life has progressed since her memory loss. Of course these are movies but it does make me think of amicables suggestion of a few photos and sympathy cards. My mom framed my fathers newspaper obituary and just in the past few months I have arrived for a visit to find her holding this or it sitting in her lap. I find it very sad but it does seem to provide comfort for her. As several have said - everyone grieves differently. Best wishes for a peaceful New Year.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
when my dad (86) fell and had a concussion he kept asking where my mom was. She had died of Alz. just a month prior. I told him she was waiting for him, and he accepted that. Perhaps just telling him that she is waiting for him will work. Blessings to you, Lindaz
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Just go along with whatever he wants to talk about. All of the above answers will help. For nine months, I had as many as six "people" in my house and my husband expected me to have food to feed them. I always assured that they had a plate of food. They had Thanksgiving in July....whatever. My wise daughter told me not to get so upset as I was "yelling at a stroke" and she was so right. I just went with whatever came up each day. Please don't avoid talking about your Mother. She was such a big part of his life. As many said...make up gentle "lies" and go on. He won't remember anyway and you will repeat and repeat and repeat. Bless you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Not to avoid the main subject, there's and important message that could be overlooked by caregivers. Her mother was her husband's caregiver for 9 years. What happens when the caregivers' death precedes the victim's death? We're told repeatedly on this site that caregivers MUST take care of themselves. Yet I'd guess most of us don't live by those words. I urge all of you to PLEASE make this a priority in the coming new year. Get that physical exam and figure out what can you do at least once a week for a few hours to get some relief. Also try to make some sort of plan or have resources IF you should die before or become unable to care for the patient. As to the question of what to when a patient cannot remember the death of a loved one, IMO the expert is absolutely correct, there's no one-size-fits-all answer. A cruelty of this disease as that we become our parents' memories. My mothers, who passed away almost a year ago today, buried 3 children and a brother before her death. Practically everyday she'd ask about one of them. At first I'd remind her that they were dead and she accepted it for the moment. But the Q&As with following up questions became almost a daily that became very depressing for me having to recall and almost relieve their deaths myself. Realizing that despite my repetition she would never remember what I'd told her, I began to change the subject to what was on the television, a meal or whatever popped into my mind. You'll have to figure it out yourself, and you will.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Mom goes between never mentioning her 70+ years with Dad (who died in 2006) to remembering he has died to wondering where he is (she is in Assisted Living). I take my cue from her and give gentle answers/reassurances so as to reduce her anxiety. Only once did I say "oh, Mom, he passed away already & is waiting for you - Dad would NEVER leave "his gal" (his pet name for her)" and that was when she thought he had left her because she was "like this". She was so relieved it was that!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I read that you don't tell them over and over that someone has died. Some people will grieve all over again. Not fair. If asks about a spouse, tell a little white lie, like they r shopping.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
We've just buried twin of my widowed BIL on their 64th birthday. BIL was at funeral but is now asking if T (his twin) is coming for Christmas and where his wife is (my twin sister, she died 5 years ago). I say yes T is coming and C (his wife) is grocery shopping for T. This is working.
He also asks if we went to his Mum's funeral 5 yrs ago. I say yes we did but then ask questions about Mum. What did she like to do? What do you miss most about Mum?
A totally different approach but again it's working. The hardest one I have is "When did you die?" that I vary depending on my mood.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Tough call here. If you show him a piece of her clothing, he may be even sadder. Or will he just be confused? I don't have a magic answer.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I'm so sorry for your loss, and especially sorry for your having to cope with your father's bewilderment on top of your own grief. Heart-breaking, indeed.

It is only six weeks since your mother's passing. My own feeling is that this is too soon for anyone even to attempt to 'get back to normal.' How long would you expect your father to mourn her if he did understand, and didn't have dementia? I really do feel the terrible pity of the news being fresh to him each time, but if you lie to him what will he feel instead? Fear? Abandonment? Your mother was his caregiver for nine years, and now she can't be with him. Whatever you do or say, he is going to feel her loss terribly so there is nothing to gain by denying him the truth. Give him, and give yourself, much more time.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
So wise, Countrymouse, I agree with you 100%.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Countrymouse: I agree!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
For a year I told mom her parents were in heaven and that was upsetting. I decided to tell her instead they were on vacation. B now she has reached a point where she never asks about them. My advise. Make up something but don't tell them they have passed. It is torturous for them to comprehend and only confuses them more as they don't remember the passing
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
There is no 1 good answer to this question. I have seen the evolution of my husband having Alzheimer. I know that in an early stage, you can try to distract and agree with what he says, but he will only get angry when you avoid to answer him and he realizes it. However, at a later stage, the best is to change subject, try to distract him. He forgets soon enough and for instance just talk about the weather, and he has forgotten already what he has asked. It all depends. You can just try out some of the solutions given by people who lived the same situation. When you see that a certain method is helpful, continue this way. Unfortunately my husband's father died whilst he was still alive. When we went to greet him, I accompanied him and tried to tell him his father had died. Because I put my hands on my father in law and gave him a last goodbye kiss, my husband did the same. He was chocked severely and cried out : Oh, he is so cold !! As I realized that he had not understood what I had told him a couple a minutes ago, I did not insist. We left the room, and I started to talk about something else. He never asked for his father again, neither why he was so cold that day. I was rather happy that it went so easy, but on the other hand also sad, because he had completely forgotten about his sick dad who had died now. So really, it all depends. You can only try several things and find out yourself what is the best to do.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Sheba, how very sad for you and your husband. Quite a shock for him to feel his father so cold. It's interesting though, that you husband never asked about his father again; that contact was like closure for him.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter