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Hi there,
I am hoping to gain some insight or advice here on how to best deal with a frustrating situation involving my mom. My parents are retired and entering their late 60's. They live independently in their own home and are in fairly good health. My dad is very active and in good physical shape for his age (goes on hikes daily, gardens, eats very well, etc). My mom is not in as good of health as my dad (overweight, does not get enough exercise) but no major health problems...that we know of! The issue is she refuses to go to a Dr for a check-up of any sort. My dad said it has been 20 years since her last well woman visit including a pap test or mammogram. He called me to express that he is frustrated and has been trying to convince her to no avail to see a Dr. He said she becomes defensive and says she is fine, or that she rather not know that something is wrong. She has some obvious decay somewhere in her mouth (teeth) since you can smell a musty smell when she is close to you and my dad encouraged her to see the dentist for a cleaning and eval but she refuses this too. She thinks that because her teeth 'look' normal at first glance that nothing is wrong but doesn't want to admit that with aging teeth and gums are prone to issues. I tried for 5 or so years to get my mom to see a Dr for a well visit and gave up some years ago but now my dad is the one feeling how urgent this is. She has mild bladder issues and spotting (which she should not being post menopausal). What can we do to get her to a Dr? Could this be a bigger issue than her just being stubborn? I have already tried saying things like "would you want me to never go to the Dr?" "You have a grandchild that loves you and we want you here to see him grow up" "We really love and care about you and want you to be healthy". My dad is worried that if I talk to her about this again she will know he confided in me and will get very angry at him. I don't know how to help :(

Thank you!

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If your mother does not have dementia, truly it is her business how she takes care of her health. No one can force her to go to the doctor however well-meaning they are.
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I agree with using some therapeutic fibbing to get your mom seen by a doctor, any doctor, who will be play nice, be sympathetic, not talk about her weight and take the time to develop a relationship with her. I'm worried about the slightly paranoid tinge to some of the stuff that you're telling us about her. Paranoia is a symptom, can be a symptom of many different things, from a UTI to full flown mental illness. See what you can do (Obamacare is my personal favorite excuse with my mom, a devoted Fox News watcher) to get your mom to comply with at least one doctor visit.

Your mom and I are the same age. For years, no matter what I went to the doctor for, I was told to lose weight. And yes, it did keep me from getting proper medical care. Imagine what it's like to go to be seen for the flu, post partum depression or a back ache and told that what you need to do is lose weight! I have a team of docs now who don't bring this up. When I bring it up, they meet me where I am. That should be your aim with a new doc for your mom; for her/him to meet here where she is.
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I'm going to look at this from a different point of view. And it's going to sound mean.

Your mom is old enough to make the decision as to whether or not she wants to see a doctor, that is, unless you feel she is somehow depressed and/or mentally incapable to do so. I'm thinking she is depressed. But she's not going to believe that and there is probably no way you're going to get her to a doctor.

How do you deal with this? I have no idea other than the tough love stance, i.e., if you don't go see the doctor, you will die, and I don't want you to die, I love you, whatever.

This happened to a neighbor of mine. While husband was physically fit, his wife was heavy, had kidney problems, along with back problems, you name it. I believe it was all due to the weight issue, but I'm not a doctor. She ate whatever she wanted not caring about her weight. They lived here for about seven years. She died three years ago. He's remarried again and very happy. (Sorry to have put that in there, but I guess I'm trying to show that at some point, family members just throw up their hands and say I can't do this anymore, whatever!" In other words, he moved on. Yes, the kids miss their 'mom' but I doubt the husband does. He misses what he married, not what she became.

There's absolutely nothing you can do with a woman like this. She has a death wish. And unless you can show her that, you just have to stand by and watch it. That is, until you can come up with some sort of family intervention, tough love stance, again, We love you mom, we don't want to see you die, but that's what's going to happen if you continue on this course.

Good luck.
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I guess I'm a little more sneaky. I would likely find a doctor who is personable and agreeable to working with mom and then I might tell a few fibs. Like in everyday conversation I might say, "Oh mom. I think I'm going to see this female doctor a friend of mine at work went to. She has a new approach and isn't into the old school way of weighing you, lecturing you, etc. She is there to address what your needs are and does it in a very compassionate way. My friend Kelly, loves her and is very excited to have found her. Maybe be both should go to see her. Afterwards, we could do a little shopping and pick up lunch. What do you say?" I might try that and see if she is interested. But, if she isn't, you can't force her. Good luck.
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I should also ask you, What is it you feel like you should do about the situation? Your have to realize we are all living in different states/countries and all have different backgrounds. Not knowing all that makes a huge difference in how you re-act to your mother's not want to go for annual physicals. I'm sensing she is into herbal remedies of some sort, because of your comment re the flu shot. Many people feel this way, but there are many well documented sources that indicate that is not the case. People can have mild symptoms after a flu shot, but not the full blown flu.

That being said, again, you have to take all comments into consideration and approach it from your knowledge of who she is. You lived with her, you know whether or not this is something that's a lifetime fear, whatever.

But again, nobody can make an adult who is not suffering from dementia do anything. I don't believe you can drag her to a doctor, I don't believe you can drag her to a psychiatrist any more than I believe she could drag you to one.
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All you can do is tell her you love her and care about her health ... the rest is up to her. I will give an example. I have a very close friend who is extremely overweight and is a diabetic. Now her sugars are so out of control, she is on insulin. She has not changed her ways. Maybe she cannot. Maybe she is a food addict (strongly suspect). She goes to doctors all the time. In fact, she has even been labeled a hypochondriac, yet she is NOT taking care of her health and no one can force her to. I mentioned it only once and she denied that she overeats. Never said it again. Maybe symptoms will scare her into going one day. I know prevention is better. Love her. Tell her. After that, you have done all you can.
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If your Mom is mentally clear you really have no option but to respect her wishes whether you agree with them or not. Perhaps she's already done a lot of
thinking and she's decided how she wants her life to play out. Lying to her will only destroy any relationship you have with her.
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That is good advice. Perhaps we can convince her to just go for a regular (not well woman) check-up first with a female Dr.
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My Mom has diabetes and had some bad ulcers on her feet. NOTHING would convince her to go see a podiatrist until I found a local Dr who had a video online introducing herself. After Mom watched that video she agreed to see that Dr.

If you could find something similar... perhaps her "fear" is of a "generic" doctor that she does not know.

Have you tried having her accompany you or her husband to the doctor for one of your visits. Maybe that might help??? If she got comfortable with the idea of doctor visits she might then agree to go for herself...
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I tend to agree that there is a bigger issue going on here than just her stubbornness. You mentioned that she hasn't seen a doctor in almost 20 yrs. How was her attitude about doctors prior to that? Something seems to have set her off about the medical profession in general, and I think it might be a matter of finding out what it was that happened. Fibromyalgia comes to mind as an example of how insensitive many physicians were before fibromyalgia because a "for real" medical condition (which predominately affects women). Perhaps your mother went through something similar in the way in which she was treated.
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