Hi there,
I am hoping to gain some insight or advice here on how to best deal with a frustrating situation involving my mom. My parents are retired and entering their late 60's. They live independently in their own home and are in fairly good health. My dad is very active and in good physical shape for his age (goes on hikes daily, gardens, eats very well, etc). My mom is not in as good of health as my dad (overweight, does not get enough exercise) but no major health problems...that we know of! The issue is she refuses to go to a Dr for a check-up of any sort. My dad said it has been 20 years since her last well woman visit including a pap test or mammogram. He called me to express that he is frustrated and has been trying to convince her to no avail to see a Dr. He said she becomes defensive and says she is fine, or that she rather not know that something is wrong. She has some obvious decay somewhere in her mouth (teeth) since you can smell a musty smell when she is close to you and my dad encouraged her to see the dentist for a cleaning and eval but she refuses this too. She thinks that because her teeth 'look' normal at first glance that nothing is wrong but doesn't want to admit that with aging teeth and gums are prone to issues. I tried for 5 or so years to get my mom to see a Dr for a well visit and gave up some years ago but now my dad is the one feeling how urgent this is. She has mild bladder issues and spotting (which she should not being post menopausal). What can we do to get her to a Dr? Could this be a bigger issue than her just being stubborn? I have already tried saying things like "would you want me to never go to the Dr?" "You have a grandchild that loves you and we want you here to see him grow up" "We really love and care about you and want you to be healthy". My dad is worried that if I talk to her about this again she will know he confided in me and will get very angry at him. I don't know how to help :(
Thank you!
That musty smell from your Mom's mouth could be something as simple as not flossing, then using a mouth wash.... my Dad has this issue yet he does go to the dentist once a year for cleaning, exam, etc. It's just very poor maintenance between cleaning :(
If begging and explaining don't work, then I might see if she would see a female doctor about something other than the Pelvic exam. See if she will just go and talk to the female doctor about something that isn't as personal such as heartburn, and let her chat with the female doctor. If the doctor is personable, and makes a good impression, then perhaps she can personally ask your mom to come back for a PAP and that she will be the one to do it and make it as comfortable and private as possible. Sometimes it's the unknown that makes it so scary.
Do you mom's friends get medical care? I wonder if they encourage her or do they know she ignores her health.
Dr. Oz, says people should not be weighed routinely. If you are overweight you know it. He says people are too embarrassed to see doctors because of it.
Some people won't see a dentist either for fear the dentist will say something negative about their teeth, like they don't floss enough.
I think I might look around to find a doctor who would do a Pelvic exam, but is open minded enough to keep the initial visit low key and not lecture her on weight or weighing her. That might be challenging, but perhaps a Palliative care doctor might be an option. If your mom could know in advance that this doctor won't weigh her or advocate diets, then it may soothe her fears enough to get the PAP done. If she likes the doctor enough, then the other issues might be addressed at a later visit.
If you could find something similar... perhaps her "fear" is of a "generic" doctor that she does not know.
Have you tried having her accompany you or her husband to the doctor for one of your visits. Maybe that might help??? If she got comfortable with the idea of doctor visits she might then agree to go for herself...
Your mom and I are the same age. For years, no matter what I went to the doctor for, I was told to lose weight. And yes, it did keep me from getting proper medical care. Imagine what it's like to go to be seen for the flu, post partum depression or a back ache and told that what you need to do is lose weight! I have a team of docs now who don't bring this up. When I bring it up, they meet me where I am. That should be your aim with a new doc for your mom; for her/him to meet here where she is.
I will also add that refusing to seek medical care is sometimes a sign of dementia. It was with my cousin. I would check for other things that could go along with it.
And regarding the flu shot.....good luck with that. I know supposedly smart people with college degrees who refuse to get them. I don't get it.
Your mom is old enough to make the decision as to whether or not she wants to see a doctor, that is, unless you feel she is somehow depressed and/or mentally incapable to do so. I'm thinking she is depressed. But she's not going to believe that and there is probably no way you're going to get her to a doctor.
How do you deal with this? I have no idea other than the tough love stance, i.e., if you don't go see the doctor, you will die, and I don't want you to die, I love you, whatever.
This happened to a neighbor of mine. While husband was physically fit, his wife was heavy, had kidney problems, along with back problems, you name it. I believe it was all due to the weight issue, but I'm not a doctor. She ate whatever she wanted not caring about her weight. They lived here for about seven years. She died three years ago. He's remarried again and very happy. (Sorry to have put that in there, but I guess I'm trying to show that at some point, family members just throw up their hands and say I can't do this anymore, whatever!" In other words, he moved on. Yes, the kids miss their 'mom' but I doubt the husband does. He misses what he married, not what she became.
There's absolutely nothing you can do with a woman like this. She has a death wish. And unless you can show her that, you just have to stand by and watch it. That is, until you can come up with some sort of family intervention, tough love stance, again, We love you mom, we don't want to see you die, but that's what's going to happen if you continue on this course.
Good luck.
"You can take a horse to water but you can't make him drink."
That being said, again, you have to take all comments into consideration and approach it from your knowledge of who she is. You lived with her, you know whether or not this is something that's a lifetime fear, whatever.
But again, nobody can make an adult who is not suffering from dementia do anything. I don't believe you can drag her to a doctor, I don't believe you can drag her to a psychiatrist any more than I believe she could drag you to one.
thinking and she's decided how she wants her life to play out. Lying to her will only destroy any relationship you have with her.
Look out for your dad and keep an eye on her mental stability. Good luck.
My mthr's only friend told me recently that she is sure my mthr knew she had cancer years before we rescued her. Friend worked in the herb shop and mthr was having her buy anti-cancer products. She was "too embarrassed" for anyone to see her going to the herb shop! When we rescued her, her hemoglobin was about 5.5, almost fatal, because she had active bleeding from her mass. She could have easily slipped away at any time. That may be what your loved one wants - to go without treatment and slip away.
I dislike going to the dentist too, but oral health problems can lead to medical issues. Think of how much better her mouth will feel if she receives routine dental care. I find the older I get the more 'difficult' going to the dentist is, maybe she can locate a dentist that caters to cowards and/or offers sedation dentistry. Losing all your teeth and getting dentures or doing without teeth is not 'fun' I see people everyday in my work who don't have teeth and I see it in my dad who has dentures but hates them.
Offer to go with your mom for the doctor and/or dental appointment. She may have some minor issues that she can receive treatment for and 'feel better'. Maybe she is depressed, a primary care doc can assess her for depression. Many people with depression have feelings much like your mom. She needs to see the positive side of doctor visits. My mom passed suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 64, I hope you have your mom much longer than that. Be supportive but don't 'hound' her, use encouragement and tell her your concerns if she don't at least have a routine checkup. Maybe you can visit the doctor together and both of you get check ups or a dental cleaning. good luck.