I have everything on auto pay for my mom, I see that all her doctor appointments are met, I am getting over Covid and have pneumonia and am on oxygen 24/7 (for now). I have always been very healthy so this has been quite a shock for the family. I spent 6 days in the hospital but made sure I got help to get her to her appointments and her other needs. My daughter brought her to visit today and we looked at her bank statement. She keeps locking herself out of her phone, which I couldn't fix today but could show her on the computer her balances. I ordered socks her doctor said she needed, set up an appointment for tomorrow for her Covid Booster. We had just changed her tv/internet service, but one of the tv's isn't on line and we need to call but she has 2 other tvs. As she was leaving she asked if my husband if he could come over to fix it & I said No not now because he has so much on him between myself and lots of work issues I don't want to ask him as this time. It can wait. As my daughter took her home she told her she didn't know why I yell at her all the time and don't help. That she doesn't like to ask for help. All she does is ask for things and I make sure to provide it. I am having to take some extremely strong ( 6 x strength) steroids until Tuesday then will be on prednisone after that... it is really difficult for me to stay on task (only temporary) but she doesn't understand that I need a little help at this time just for now. She called yesterday at 5:30 pm & said her AC wasn't working it was hot. She got a new one last year. I said call the AC people but it will be tomorrow before they could fix it. Then she text it was cooler. Remembering just the other day she was turning the temp down correctly I called & reminded her she has to hold the button a few seconds til it blinks that nothing was wrong with the AC. I try to be there and have the answers then to turn around & tell my daughter and I'm sure others that I yell and don't help. What am I doing wrong? Tried to set boundaries but I think it is getting worse because I am limited due to being sick and she is tired of me not being there physically for her. Help! I have to get well, but this "stress" is too much. I love her but I just have so much.
Does not sound like your mother is capable of “independent living”. You must take care of yourself first. As you step away to recover, your absence may give you a better idea of just how independent she is capable of being. I say this because, looking back, I enabled my mother to be “independent” long past the time she should have been in care. Stop, recover, and reevaluate with fresh eyes.
Time to reconsider the entire situation, and stand up for yourself, it may be time for her to go to AL, where there is a host of paid servants at her beacon call.
You said "Temporary" situation then you intend to jump right back in feet first, my question is "Why"? Even now, while you are sick you are doing way too much for her and you are already in the burn out stage.
Take your life back, get yourself back on track. Remember "No" is a complete sentence.
You are going to cause yourself to relapse. (This is all said with concern since I just went through it and I didn’t even have covid nor was I hospitalized).
It also sounds like your mother needs a higher level of care and supervision. If she can’t work her AC, she could have a heat stroke.
Your mother has also lost the ability to care about anyone but herself. She should be concerned about your health as the first thing, but she is worried about silly things (except the ac… that is serious) over you. She needs to be evaluated.
You say that your mother is complaining now that you are ill and cannot function well enough to jump when she says "jump. Your direct quote:
" All she does is ask for things and I make sure to provide it."
That says it all.
It is very unreasonable, when that has been your attitude, to now expect your mother to have any "boundaries".
In order for things to change it is time for an honest, gentle talk with mother.
FIRST you and your husband sit and talk; make point by point notes together.
THEN you sit TOGETHER with mom and you go over point by point what you WILL help with, and what you WILL NOT. You will tell her she is now too dependent on you and that you accept that you created that. You will tell her that you have reached your limit, and that she will have now to hire some help or consider moving to a place that can care for her. You will tell her that you do not intend to be her caregivers in age.
You will then hand your mother a list of things you will do for her. For instance you will pay and monitor bills (you should be POA to do this and should be added to her accounts as financial POA). You will help her once a week in making and attending appointments, etc. You will shop with her one time a week. And so on.
Stop doing things for your mother that she can do herself. Learn to recognize what she can no longer do for herself and begin honest assessments of how long/how much you can go on with accepting more responsiblity for her care.
Resolve NEVER to even temporarily bring her into your home (and tell her in this meeting that you will not) because that day spells pretty much the end of your own lives.
Only you can gently and honestly discuss this. Once you descend into reactive "yelling" you have already lost the battle. If you ever dealt with teens you know this is true.
I wish you the best. Your mom has been trained by you in her expectations. She won't be easily retrained. You will have to understand your own limitations and gently set and insist on them.
people can say all sorts of things. that doesn't mean it's true.
She seems to have decline of various sorts. She probably needs assisted living. (Note: The "assist" in assisted living shouldn't be you.)
Once I was in a situation where the relative I was caring for was hassling me something like your mom. I thought I had to put up with it out of respect, they're weak now, they're this and that, etc. We can fool ourselves into thinking strange things in such circumstances. Then a friend said, "Why don't you just tell him to sit down and shut up?"
It had never occurred to me, and it would have shocked him into silence. I still regret not doing it.
But you could.
I'm sorry you've been so ill! I think right now you need to forget about everything other than getting better. No one else is going to take care of you, right!?
Here's the thing. You are doing LOTS for your mom, but it doesn't that way to her. It's NOT because you're not doing enough; it's because she needs more help than one off-site person can give.
Your profile says that mom is in Independent Living. When my mom was in an Independent Living facility, she would call us for stuff like ants in the kitchen and burned out light bulbs. We would say, "no, mom. You have the staff do that."
She would say "oh, I don't want to bother them".
We told her that's why she was there, because we couldn't keep responding to all of these small requests for support--we had no time for our families or our jobs.
We visited on weekends, took her shopping, paid her bills, set up her meds and did medical appointments. Believe me, those tasks took up enough time!
If mom doesn't have others around to help, consider that she may need something like an Independent or Assisted living place where there ARE people around to help her.
It may be time for assisted living for mom .
When I was in your shoes my wise friend told me ,
“Mom gets what she needs , not what she wants. “
You are doing too much and it sounds as if Mom needs more daily attention which she will get in assisted living.
Mom will still try to have you coming for every little thing. You have to set boundaries .
“I’m still recuperating mother”.
“ that won’t be possible today mother “.
“ Ring your bell for the staff to help with that “
“ the facility takes care of that “
“ you are paying for services there, get your money’s worth and have the staff do it “.
Take care of yourself . You are in worse shape than your mother is.
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