Mom says I don't help her. What am I doing wrong?

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Mom says I don't help her. What am I doing wrong?

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I have everything on auto pay for my mom, I see that all her doctor appointments are met, I am getting over Covid and have pneumonia and am on oxygen 24/7 (for now). I have always been very healthy so this has been quite a shock for the family. I spent 6 days in the hospital but made sure I got help to get her to her appointments and her other needs. My daughter brought her to visit today and we looked at her bank statement. She keeps locking herself out of her phone, which I couldn't fix today but could show her on the computer her balances. I ordered socks her doctor said she needed, set up an appointment for tomorrow for her Covid Booster. We had just changed her tv/internet service, but one of the tv's isn't on line and we need to call but she has 2 other tvs. As she was leaving she asked if my husband if he could come over to fix it & I said No not now because he has so much on him between myself and lots of work issues I don't want to ask him as this time. It can wait. As my daughter took her home she told her she didn't know why I yell at her all the time and don't help. That she doesn't like to ask for help. All she does is ask for things and I make sure to provide it. I am having to take some extremely strong ( 6 x strength) steroids until Tuesday then will be on prednisone after that... it is really difficult for me to stay on task (only temporary) but she doesn't understand that I need a little help at this time just for now. She called yesterday at 5:30 pm & said her AC wasn't working it was hot. She got a new one last year. I said call the AC people but it will be tomorrow before they could fix it. Then she text it was cooler. Remembering just the other day she was turning the temp down correctly I called & reminded her she has to hold the button a few seconds til it blinks that nothing was wrong with the AC. I try to be there and have the answers then to turn around & tell my daughter and I'm sure others that I yell and don't help. What am I doing wrong? Tried to set boundaries but I think it is getting worse because I am limited due to being sick and she is tired of me not being there physically for her. Help! I have to get well, but this "stress" is too much. I love her but I just have so much.

Burnout Family Caregiver Relationships

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Welcome, TxBeBe!

I'm sorry you've been so ill! I think right now you need to forget about everything other than getting better. No one else is going to take care of you, right!?

Here's the thing. You are doing LOTS for your mom, but it doesn't that way to her. It's NOT because you're not doing enough; it's because she needs more help than one off-site person can give.

Your profile says that mom is in Independent Living. When my mom was in an Independent Living facility, she would call us for stuff like ants in the kitchen and burned out light bulbs. We would say, "no, mom. You have the staff do that."

She would say "oh, I don't want to bother them".

We told her that's why she was there, because we couldn't keep responding to all of these small requests for support--we had no time for our families or our jobs.

We visited on weekends, took her shopping, paid her bills, set up her meds and did medical appointments. Believe me, those tasks took up enough time!

If mom doesn't have others around to help, consider that she may need something like an Independent or Assisted living place where there ARE people around to help her.

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Oh my my. You are doing so much for your Mom and she has no clue how much energy and work that takes.

If you are looking for an excuse, steroids will make one more impatient and quick to anger in some people.

However, the bottom line is that your Mom has no clue how much you are doing for her. Call it selfishness, call it clueless, call it egocentric....

I don't know how to make her understand what a gem she has. Keep those boundaries up. Don't move them....and don't let her comments, guilt you into feeling that you are not doing enough.

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what boundaries though ? I struggle to see any.

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Is she just demanding and oblivious or do you think she may have dementia? As my mother’s dementia progressed (she was always demanding and dissatisfied) she did less and less for herself, all the while telling me how she just needed me to do a few little things for her. Like handle her finances and pay her bills, clean her house, wash and dry her clothes, plan her meals and shop for groceries, make and drive her to appts, sort her meds, and be on call 24 hours a day, in case she thought of something she wanted. All the while complaining that I should be doing more for her.

Does not sound like your mother is capable of “independent living”. You must take care of yourself first. As you step away to recover, your absence may give you a better idea of just how independent she is capable of being. I say this because, looking back, I enabled my mother to be “independent” long past the time she should have been in care. Stop, recover, and reevaluate with fresh eyes.

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Anabanana is correct. We, as daughters and sons of aging parents, start out by helping with a few small things and then later wake up to the fact that we are now doing EVERYTHING. I realized that I was essentially “living my mother’s whole life for her,” and she was just tagging along for the ride, making more and more demands. (My mom has been diagnosed with Alz.) Eventually, I woke up to the fact that Independent Living is for people who are actually capable of living independently. My mom *thought* she was completely independent, but I was twisting myself into a pretzel, propping her up from every angle. I finally had to cry uncle and move her to Assisted Living because my mental health was going down the tubes. She threw a series of huge, dramatic fits about the move, but it had to be done. Now that she is in AL, I know she is safe. She has friends and is not lonely. The staff takes care of most of her needs (and her living situation is greatly simplified, which helps a LOT). She still calls me with demands from time to time, but I no longer feel any need to jump to attention when she does. There are nurses there 24/7, and a PA who sees patients there at the AL three days a week and who is always available by text if I need to reach him. Mom has only a couple of outside doctors (specialists) and her dentist, so I still take her to see each of them a couple of times a year. I handle most other things behind the scenes (finances, taxes, prescription refills, buying supplies, etc,) I choose when I visit and for how long. It’s a vast improvement over the crazy hurricane we had when Mom was in IL.

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Hi, OP, and welcome.If things go on like this, you are likely to stop ‘loving’ your mother. That’s not the result you want!Here is one suggestion: For a week (or two or a month to include monthly jobs) make a list of things you have done for your mother, and also things that she has asked you to do but you haven’t been able to do. Include times actually taken, or estimated if not done.

When it’s done, add up the times for things done, and also for things requested but not done. Take it to your mother and talk it through with her – no anger, just what you are actually doing plus not being able to do. Take a witness (your daughter?) who can make it clear that you are NOT yelling and you DO help.Let her think about it for a few days.

Then try again. This time, set out your boundaries – what you can do, and how much time you can spend. Once again, with an important witness. The end you are looking for is an acceptance from M about what you can do. And if it’s not enough, the discussion continues about where to find the additional care.

This has become more ‘in your face’ because you are not well. But the problem was there anyway, and it will get worse as M gets older. This is one way for you and M to look at the real issues, not just isolated problems like a TV fault.
Yours, Margaret

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Your mother is selfish and self centered. Might be time to back off propping up her facade of independence and have her hire someone (with her money) to help her.

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Isn’t that the truth? Her mom is NOT living independently. That is all fake to make everyone feel better.

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Concentrate on your recovery.

Mom will dial the next person in her phone/address book & hassle them.

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(((((((hugs)))))) Dear soul, your mother has no idea about your needs as opposed to her wants, possibly from developing dementia, and/or how she has always been. You have to look after yourself and accept that she will not appreciate your reality. Your profile says your mm is in independent living. Sounds like it may be time for her to move to assisted living, or to hire (with her money) some help.

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Your mother is not living independently, you are not her servant, you are her daughter, you have relinquished that role when you became her caregiver.

Time to reconsider the entire situation, and stand up for yourself, it may be time for her to go to AL, where there is a host of paid servants at her beacon call.

You said "Temporary" situation then you intend to jump right back in feet first, my question is "Why"? Even now, while you are sick you are doing way too much for her and you are already in the burn out stage.

Take your life back, get yourself back on track. Remember "No" is a complete sentence.

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Yes, someone needs to take OP’s phone and internet away. Our hospital had to do that with a doc when he was admitted for Covid; he kept working the phones and wouldn’t rest, so they took his cell phone away.

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"Mom says I don't help her"

people can say all sorts of things. that doesn't mean it's true.

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Everything needs to stop with you and her for 3 weeks until you recover. Stop it. I mean really, just stop it. You are sick. I had lobar pneumonia (non Covid) in April and I’m just now starting to feel well.

You are going to cause yourself to relapse. (This is all said with concern since I just went through it and I didn’t even have covid nor was I hospitalized).

It also sounds like your mother needs a higher level of care and supervision. If she can’t work her AC, she could have a heat stroke.

Your mother has also lost the ability to care about anyone but herself. She should be concerned about your health as the first thing, but she is worried about silly things (except the ac… that is serious) over you. She needs to be evaluated.

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Your mother has become dependent on you and you have helped to create that by doing too many things for her.

You say that your mother is complaining now that you are ill and cannot function well enough to jump when she says "jump. Your direct quote:
" All she does is ask for things and I make sure to provide it."
That says it all.
It is very unreasonable, when that has been your attitude, to now expect your mother to have any "boundaries".

In order for things to change it is time for an honest, gentle talk with mother.
FIRST you and your husband sit and talk; make point by point notes together.
THEN you sit TOGETHER with mom and you go over point by point what you WILL help with, and what you WILL NOT. You will tell her she is now too dependent on you and that you accept that you created that. You will tell her that you have reached your limit, and that she will have now to hire some help or consider moving to a place that can care for her. You will tell her that you do not intend to be her caregivers in age.

You will then hand your mother a list of things you will do for her. For instance you will pay and monitor bills (you should be POA to do this and should be added to her accounts as financial POA). You will help her once a week in making and attending appointments, etc. You will shop with her one time a week. And so on.

Stop doing things for your mother that she can do herself. Learn to recognize what she can no longer do for herself and begin honest assessments of how long/how much you can go on with accepting more responsiblity for her care.

Resolve NEVER to even temporarily bring her into your home (and tell her in this meeting that you will not) because that day spells pretty much the end of your own lives.

Only you can gently and honestly discuss this. Once you descend into reactive "yelling" you have already lost the battle. If you ever dealt with teens you know this is true.

I wish you the best. Your mom has been trained by you in her expectations. She won't be easily retrained. You will have to understand your own limitations and gently set and insist on them.

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Not sure if Mom is self-centered but she is 87 and there is some decline going on. Independent living means you do it all yourself. She should be getting 3 meals a day and going to the dining room to eat. There should be a van service for appts and shopping. Entertainment and outings. I would set her heating and AC and have a plastic cover put on the thermostat so she can't get to the controls.

I think this is a good time to have Mom evaluated for an Assisted Living. Make the facility aware of what you do for her and the little things she cannot do for herself.

If you have been hospitalized for COVID and pneumonia, your recuperation is going to take awhile. You are not going to have the energy to keep ur own house up let alone Moms. I don't think hearing it from you "Mom I just can't help u" its going to need to come from your DH or ur daughter. "Mom is not going to be able to be here for you. And it may be for a long time, You need to do it yourself or call maintenance." Does she get her apt cleaned as part of her rent? If not then she will need to pay for someone to come in. If Mom cannot understand this, then she is either self-centered or is declining cognitively. If mental decline, definitely Assisted living.

You hollering at her. She probably thinks that you saying no to her demands is hollering. Being firm with her is hollering. And what does ur daughter say when Mom complains?

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Take care of yourself before mom. Believe it or not, there are people your mom's age who don't require help at all. They figure things out for themselves, don't put undue strain on family relationships, and count their blessings.

She seems to have decline of various sorts. She probably needs assisted living. (Note: The "assist" in assisted living shouldn't be you.)

Once I was in a situation where the relative I was caring for was hassling me something like your mom. I thought I had to put up with it out of respect, they're weak now, they're this and that, etc. We can fool ourselves into thinking strange things in such circumstances. Then a friend said, "Why don't you just tell him to sit down and shut up?"

It had never occurred to me, and it would have shocked him into silence. I still regret not doing it.

But you could.

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I can tell you love your mother and sometimes we have to make a decision to tell them "no" at times. You are not doing anything wrong not at all. First, please take care of yourself because you are getting sick from the stress. I would recommend you take breaks a week or two from your mother. Delegate other family members to help or if possible a caregiver. This is too much for you to do alone and continue to tell her no for things that can wait.

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We all “ have just so much”! My mother was similar many years ago. I finally had to hire help& she tried to fire all of them. I then told her that some of the help she needed would be provided by others - that’s how it is; if you fire anyone, you’re without that help. < It was the last straw for me> and it worked. Hard to do but necessary.

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Like the others said,
It may be time for assisted living for mom .
When I was in your shoes my wise friend told me ,
“Mom gets what she needs , not what she wants. “

You are doing too much and it sounds as if Mom needs more daily attention which she will get in assisted living.

Mom will still try to have you coming for every little thing. You have to set boundaries .

“I’m still recuperating mother”.
“ that won’t be possible today mother “.
“ Ring your bell for the staff to help with that “
“ the facility takes care of that “
“ you are paying for services there, get your money’s worth and have the staff do it “.

Take care of yourself . You are in worse shape than your mother is.

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I don’t know if you mentioned in some other post if your mother has always been this way. If she hasn’t or if she’s gotten measurably worse, it really could be dementia setting in. You can’t really reason with someone about responsibilities, stress, consideration, when they have dementia. Depending on the person, and where in the brain, there is deterioration, the part that recognizes not to impose too much on people may be lost. You need to determine what her needs are, whether she truly can live independently anymore, and what kind of help would fit your situation and her personality best. It’s easy to assume that she’s just selfish, but truly some of the deterioration that comes with dementia happens so gradually, that may not be the case. I don’t know your mother, so I can’t say. Some of this depends on what she can afford, and what kind of help she’s likely to best accept. It is great if you can have some buy in from her, but that may not be possible - in that case you just have to say this is how it’s going to be. Best of luck, with some research word of mouth and digging you should be able to find the right fit for you so that you don’t get so sick anymore and you can get some of your life back.

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Take care of yourself first.
sounds like dementia. So, its not you, it’s not her, it’s her diseased brain.

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Sounds like time for possibly considering other care arrangements for your mother . Such as ALF or something else that has staff to help her. As you are realizing, your health is fragile and, after all,what would happen if God forbid, you died ? Who's going to step in ? For your well being, use this time as a wake up call to address the reality of your needs . Sounds like your mother could be exhibiting selfish, controlling, attention seeking, guilt provoking among other intentional or unintentional behaviors also.

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You’re not doing anything wrong. She knows you do everything for her, but when she doesn’t get what she needs exactly when she wants it it registers to her as being ignored or not prioritized. And since you’re her “go to” person, she doesn’t understand or remember why you’re not there now. Despite what many others will tell you, let it go and try not to hold it against her. I find the elderly have no idea of the stress and commitments we currently have because they never had them! What you might try is tell your Mom you are sick right now without telling her all the details, which she won’t remember. Just tell her you have a fever (simple excuse she will understand) and keep delegating as much as you can. Once you’re back on track, you can be more hands on - but if it will really be longer term, think about hiring someone part time to keep her company. She will complain at first, but if you have a good fit, she will eventually embrace her new friend and you will have a lot more peace of mind.

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So true! Their elders died instead of living well into their nineties and losing their minds.

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You aren't really believing that you have been a bad person, are you?
I know when you do SO MUCH and you wear yourself to the core, you have to think of yourself first and it's not being selfish.
I'm glad you have a family that can help you out.
When a person can't work out simple solutions (AC buttons/ phone/finances/ meds) there's definitely a progressive mental health issue that needs more care then you can handle. You can't do it all and it wears you down to the point of frustration, going from family member to caregiver is not easy. You begin to feel like a stranger without the love and appreciation you used to get but they can't help themselves, they demand more.
You're doing everything for her that you can! Stop beating yourself up and get better!
You need to do what it takes to make you happy.

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Assisted living

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If she has Dementia, then she CAN'T comprehend all of the things that you are doing, especially if she cannot SEE them being done, because you are doing the tasks from your sickbed.

You may have to temporarily get a caregiver for her (and maybe, you).

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Things changed for you when you got sick and for her, too. Since daughter was driving her around, couldn't she also help out with checking on things like the AC thermostat? And assist with the TV that isn't working?

She may have 2 other TV's, but as people age they focus on stuff like that because it needs a repair. She has all day to sit and think about what needs to be done. It can be frustrating to those assisting, but maybe the daughter could alleviate some of the tasks that you handled before getting ill.

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I think you’re doing great, you set a boundary and she hit up against it and complained a little. You’re taking it harder bc you don’t feel well and doing your best.

When you’re up and around again, don’t be such a Johnny on the spot, she’s expecting everything pronto and that’s just not a realistic way to live.

You got Covid forgodzakes, everyone has to manage their expectations, even Mom.

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Mom needs to move to Assisted Living, period . exclamation point ! She is not living independently. Your mother will not change except for the worse. At the rate she is going, she will outlive you.

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You need to stop doing for her so she can see how “little” you really do

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Oh my. That is my mom with me. I am the only one of my sisters who helps, and I do everything but according to her it is not enough, “everyone tells her how horrible I am to her and that I do nothing for her (I manage her meds, her appointments and drive her to them, her personal needs, grocery store and work full time as well but im
a horrible nasty person who doesn’t help her at all). She has accused me of sexual relationships with my dad, told me my tears repulse her when I cried after the last hospitalization for PRES (I found her and administered CPR until first responders arrived which was really scary to have to do) and constantly critiques me, mocks my career and tells me how much she loves my sisters but “isn’t sure that she loves me and DEFINITELY didn’t want to
have me but her birth control failed”.
I have spent the last four years helping, trying to make her happy and ensuring she lives the best life she can. I have been cut off by friends, family doesn’t come around because they don’t want to be asked to help or take time out of their days, but I “don’t help her and think only of myself and my own wants”. If only I had a dime for every time she says and has said that to me.
i think that there are just people who are genuinely not nice. I get tired of people who say “you need to
understand how hard it is for her…” because she doesn’t not understand how hard it is for me. She is intentionally hurtful and I don’t care why anymore. I love her but I know she doesn’t love or like me (friends have told me she treated me this way for years and I just didn’t see it) and have engaged social services because I can’t take anymore. I tell you all this because you need to remember that you have the right to choose you, your peace of mind and to spend your time around those who appreciate it and walk away from those who don’t. Don’t let it go as long as I have where you become a shell of a person with a hurt little girl trapped inside that will never heal.

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One phrase jumped out "I tried to make her happy" ...we cannot make another person happy. They are either the 'happy' types, or they are somewhere on the scale of Happy-to-Miserable, and some of the Miserables like it that way: playing the Victim. Some people Are victims, but to take well-intentioned help from a sincere person without doing your part shows pure selfishessness, and possible Narcissism. Let yourself off the hook. My mom's own sister told me, after witnessing my mom tearing into me over something trivial, "We have watched this situation for years; my sister has been jealous of you from the day they brought you home (I was adopted from one branch of my dad's family to his); hang on until you can leave home safely." In other words, my aunt was saying to not 'run away' tho many kids do under similar circumstances. A Child is not supposed to 'make a parent happy'...a child is supposed to do their growing up in the household of a parent who is mature and takes parenting seriously.

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Some people are never satisfied, never see/appreciate what's being done for them, and some moms never think a daughter can do anything right. Was she like this when you were growing up? There's not much you can do about such a personality. Stop doing double back flips to please her; the best you can do is ensure she is safe and getting decent nutrition. If her needs have exceeded your capacity that is not a crime, it's a reality that requires a change of gameplan. People like your mom cannot even conceive of boundaries; they often take any needs/limitations of others as an insult or betrayal. If any degree of dementia is in the picture they cannot be reasoned with. The stress will be detrimental to your health, slow down/complicate your healing; take care of yourself and know you've gone above and beyond already.

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Thank you

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What you're doing wrong is taking her criticism seriously. Tell yourself it's not your mom talking, it's the dementia. She fears all the things she can no longer do for herself and is transferring all that fear into complaints about you. Let it go, keep on keepin' on and get yourself well.

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