I have everything on auto pay for my mom, I see that all her doctor appointments are met, I am getting over Covid and have pneumonia and am on oxygen 24/7 (for now). I have always been very healthy so this has been quite a shock for the family. I spent 6 days in the hospital but made sure I got help to get her to her appointments and her other needs. My daughter brought her to visit today and we looked at her bank statement. She keeps locking herself out of her phone, which I couldn't fix today but could show her on the computer her balances. I ordered socks her doctor said she needed, set up an appointment for tomorrow for her Covid Booster. We had just changed her tv/internet service, but one of the tv's isn't on line and we need to call but she has 2 other tvs. As she was leaving she asked if my husband if he could come over to fix it & I said No not now because he has so much on him between myself and lots of work issues I don't want to ask him as this time. It can wait. As my daughter took her home she told her she didn't know why I yell at her all the time and don't help. That she doesn't like to ask for help. All she does is ask for things and I make sure to provide it. I am having to take some extremely strong ( 6 x strength) steroids until Tuesday then will be on prednisone after that... it is really difficult for me to stay on task (only temporary) but she doesn't understand that I need a little help at this time just for now. She called yesterday at 5:30 pm & said her AC wasn't working it was hot. She got a new one last year. I said call the AC people but it will be tomorrow before they could fix it. Then she text it was cooler. Remembering just the other day she was turning the temp down correctly I called & reminded her she has to hold the button a few seconds til it blinks that nothing was wrong with the AC. I try to be there and have the answers then to turn around & tell my daughter and I'm sure others that I yell and don't help. What am I doing wrong? Tried to set boundaries but I think it is getting worse because I am limited due to being sick and she is tired of me not being there physically for her. Help! I have to get well, but this "stress" is too much. I love her but I just have so much.
I/we finally stopped trying and doing so much. When we used to bring her to our home for the holidays - the Christmas tree wasn't decorated right, the holiday meal wasn't to her liking, she didn't like the Christmas music we played, we didn't dress right to celebrate the holidays, etc....to the point we finally stopped bringing her over for the holidays.
She complained about how 2x week wasn't enough - o.k. every other week it is then. Complaining that hubby and I are going on a weekend getaway and what will happen if something happens to her and she is in the hospital, etc etc....fine - we no longer told her we were going - we just went.
These types of parents wear you down and out. Maybe subconsciously hoping they can wear you down to the point of least resistance so you will give in every time to their demands and wants (not necessarily needs). At some point, for your own sanity and health, you got to back away and step away.
I agree with another poster...you are doing TOO MUCH for her. Back it off. Only do what is convenient for you to do. She is going to criticize anyway, might as well give her something to complain about.
We're all human and when people we love behave badly to us it hurts.
Your mother is trying to guilt-trip you. It's not because you don't "help" her. That word "help" often leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth. Especially when it comes from an ingrate senior whose family does everything for them but they have zero gratitude or even respect.
She isn't upset because you have to basically run her life. She's upset because she isn't running your life. She wants you and your husband at her beck and call and by her side 24/7 and that's not happening. She probably wants to live with you or for you to live with her.
She is bored and instead of getting involved in productive socialization, she gets her socialization by complaining about you to anyone who will listen to solicit pity and attention for her.
This little game is called Instigating. Stop playing her games.
You will probably need to do what I did with my mother for a while. Don't help her in any way. She wants to complain and villify you behind your back telling people that you don't help or do anything for her. So give her a taste of what life would be like if what she says about you was true.
Learn these responses and use them for a while.
Do absolutely nothing for her. The AC isn't working right? Since I don't help or do anything for you, don't call me.
The third TV isn't coming on? Not my problem.
Need someone to bring you to an appointment? Call one of the people you villify me to and see if they'll bring you.
Out of ice cream and panicking about it? Call someone else's husband to go running over with some.
Your mother sounds like an ingrate senior brat who needs a little tough love.
So give her some for her own good.
And most importantly. Please take care of yourself. Covid is no joke and you don't need the stress and anxiety your mother is causing you.
"She isn't upset because you have to basically run her life. She's upset because she isn't running your life."
How goes your recovery?
Let us hear from you.
Hope you are much improved.
She is most likely not adjusting well to your illness. She probably doesn't even realize how sick you are. Telling or reminding her probably won't work. Just stick to asking others to be your "helpers" for now.
I usually agree with you most of the time but not this time. The OP should not ask anyone to be her mother's helpers.
She should force her mother to humble her pride and curb her fussiness and ask others for help herself.
It can be very healthy for a parent/adult child relationship when an adult child stands up for themselves and the senior-brat parent learns a valuable lesson. That they cannot treat their adult child any way they want, or complain and lie about them to others then expect them to come running.
Both, we could argue. But Mom can find help.Your life is as important or more important right now!
This is what I see you are doing wrong for your physical, mental, and emotional health. You are doing TOO MUCH for your mother. You've now had covid, were hospitalized, and need to rest. Why can't she hire help? Why did you start doing so much for her? Just as your brother decided not to help, SO CAN YOU.
She obviously doesn't appreciate what you do for her.
If I'd been sick like you were, I'd stay away from ANY help for a time. Tell your mother to call your younger brother. What is her financial situation?
Sounds like she needs to be in AL. How long are you planning to prop her up so that she can live "independently"?
Definitely set boundaries. Maybe even start a day by day spreadsheet of everything you have done for her, even if it is just a phone call...add a column indicating how much time you spent doing this. Next time she says you don't do anything for her, let her see the list, and let her know that if you quit doing what you are doing for her, she will need to either pay for someone else to do it, or go into a home for them to do it for her. Let her know that you are NOT going to give up your future for her present, that you are doing everything you can do without it impacting your job, marriage, and health (well, maybe too late for that, but please try to take care of yourself!), and your limit is about at the end of what you can provide. Of course, if she has dementia, you will have to show her that every time...and it might not make a difference to her, as she might not be able to reason.
If you feel so inclined, you could also show your spreadsheet to others that say you don't do anything for her.
I have a spreadsheet I kept for everything I did for my dad who had dementia, but I kept it more so that I could keep track of dates of things that happened, and what exactly happened.
Remember that often the caregiver passes before the afflicted person, and some have even said that after their LO passed, they never fully regained their health....so take regaining your health seriously!
Lot's of good advice in the responses in the thread. Hopefully some of them will give you some peace &/or ideas to help you cope. Best wishes.
a horrible nasty person who doesn’t help her at all). She has accused me of sexual relationships with my dad, told me my tears repulse her when I cried after the last hospitalization for PRES (I found her and administered CPR until first responders arrived which was really scary to have to do) and constantly critiques me, mocks my career and tells me how much she loves my sisters but “isn’t sure that she loves me and DEFINITELY didn’t want to
have me but her birth control failed”.
I have spent the last four years helping, trying to make her happy and ensuring she lives the best life she can. I have been cut off by friends, family doesn’t come around because they don’t want to be asked to help or take time out of their days, but I “don’t help her and think only of myself and my own wants”. If only I had a dime for every time she says and has said that to me.
i think that there are just people who are genuinely not nice. I get tired of people who say “you need to
understand how hard it is for her…” because she doesn’t not understand how hard it is for me. She is intentionally hurtful and I don’t care why anymore. I love her but I know she doesn’t love or like me (friends have told me she treated me this way for years and I just didn’t see it) and have engaged social services because I can’t take anymore. I tell you all this because you need to remember that you have the right to choose you, your peace of mind and to spend your time around those who appreciate it and walk away from those who don’t. Don’t let it go as long as I have where you become a shell of a person with a hurt little girl trapped inside that will never heal.
When you’re up and around again, don’t be such a Johnny on the spot, she’s expecting everything pronto and that’s just not a realistic way to live.
You got Covid forgodzakes, everyone has to manage their expectations, even Mom.
She may have 2 other TV's, but as people age they focus on stuff like that because it needs a repair. She has all day to sit and think about what needs to be done. It can be frustrating to those assisting, but maybe the daughter could alleviate some of the tasks that you handled before getting ill.
You may have to temporarily get a caregiver for her (and maybe, you).
I know when you do SO MUCH and you wear yourself to the core, you have to think of yourself first and it's not being selfish.
I'm glad you have a family that can help you out.
When a person can't work out simple solutions (AC buttons/ phone/finances/ meds) there's definitely a progressive mental health issue that needs more care then you can handle. You can't do it all and it wears you down to the point of frustration, going from family member to caregiver is not easy. You begin to feel like a stranger without the love and appreciation you used to get but they can't help themselves, they demand more.
You're doing everything for her that you can! Stop beating yourself up and get better!
You need to do what it takes to make you happy.
sounds like dementia. So, its not you, it’s not her, it’s her diseased brain.
It may be time for assisted living for mom .
When I was in your shoes my wise friend told me ,
“Mom gets what she needs , not what she wants. “
You are doing too much and it sounds as if Mom needs more daily attention which she will get in assisted living.
Mom will still try to have you coming for every little thing. You have to set boundaries .
“I’m still recuperating mother”.
“ that won’t be possible today mother “.
“ Ring your bell for the staff to help with that “
“ the facility takes care of that “
“ you are paying for services there, get your money’s worth and have the staff do it “.
Take care of yourself . You are in worse shape than your mother is.
She seems to have decline of various sorts. She probably needs assisted living. (Note: The "assist" in assisted living shouldn't be you.)
Once I was in a situation where the relative I was caring for was hassling me something like your mom. I thought I had to put up with it out of respect, they're weak now, they're this and that, etc. We can fool ourselves into thinking strange things in such circumstances. Then a friend said, "Why don't you just tell him to sit down and shut up?"
It had never occurred to me, and it would have shocked him into silence. I still regret not doing it.
But you could.
I think this is a good time to have Mom evaluated for an Assisted Living. Make the facility aware of what you do for her and the little things she cannot do for herself.
If you have been hospitalized for COVID and pneumonia, your recuperation is going to take awhile. You are not going to have the energy to keep ur own house up let alone Moms. I don't think hearing it from you "Mom I just can't help u" its going to need to come from your DH or ur daughter. "Mom is not going to be able to be here for you. And it may be for a long time, You need to do it yourself or call maintenance." Does she get her apt cleaned as part of her rent? If not then she will need to pay for someone to come in. If Mom cannot understand this, then she is either self-centered or is declining cognitively. If mental decline, definitely Assisted living.
You hollering at her. She probably thinks that you saying no to her demands is hollering. Being firm with her is hollering. And what does ur daughter say when Mom complains?
You say that your mother is complaining now that you are ill and cannot function well enough to jump when she says "jump. Your direct quote:
" All she does is ask for things and I make sure to provide it."
That says it all.
It is very unreasonable, when that has been your attitude, to now expect your mother to have any "boundaries".
In order for things to change it is time for an honest, gentle talk with mother.
FIRST you and your husband sit and talk; make point by point notes together.
THEN you sit TOGETHER with mom and you go over point by point what you WILL help with, and what you WILL NOT. You will tell her she is now too dependent on you and that you accept that you created that. You will tell her that you have reached your limit, and that she will have now to hire some help or consider moving to a place that can care for her. You will tell her that you do not intend to be her caregivers in age.
You will then hand your mother a list of things you will do for her. For instance you will pay and monitor bills (you should be POA to do this and should be added to her accounts as financial POA). You will help her once a week in making and attending appointments, etc. You will shop with her one time a week. And so on.
Stop doing things for your mother that she can do herself. Learn to recognize what she can no longer do for herself and begin honest assessments of how long/how much you can go on with accepting more responsiblity for her care.
Resolve NEVER to even temporarily bring her into your home (and tell her in this meeting that you will not) because that day spells pretty much the end of your own lives.
Only you can gently and honestly discuss this. Once you descend into reactive "yelling" you have already lost the battle. If you ever dealt with teens you know this is true.
I wish you the best. Your mom has been trained by you in her expectations. She won't be easily retrained. You will have to understand your own limitations and gently set and insist on them.