I have everything on auto pay for my mom, I see that all her doctor appointments are met, I am getting over Covid and have pneumonia and am on oxygen 24/7 (for now). I have always been very healthy so this has been quite a shock for the family. I spent 6 days in the hospital but made sure I got help to get her to her appointments and her other needs. My daughter brought her to visit today and we looked at her bank statement. She keeps locking herself out of her phone, which I couldn't fix today but could show her on the computer her balances. I ordered socks her doctor said she needed, set up an appointment for tomorrow for her Covid Booster. We had just changed her tv/internet service, but one of the tv's isn't on line and we need to call but she has 2 other tvs. As she was leaving she asked if my husband if he could come over to fix it & I said No not now because he has so much on him between myself and lots of work issues I don't want to ask him as this time. It can wait. As my daughter took her home she told her she didn't know why I yell at her all the time and don't help. That she doesn't like to ask for help. All she does is ask for things and I make sure to provide it. I am having to take some extremely strong ( 6 x strength) steroids until Tuesday then will be on prednisone after that... it is really difficult for me to stay on task (only temporary) but she doesn't understand that I need a little help at this time just for now. She called yesterday at 5:30 pm & said her AC wasn't working it was hot. She got a new one last year. I said call the AC people but it will be tomorrow before they could fix it. Then she text it was cooler. Remembering just the other day she was turning the temp down correctly I called & reminded her she has to hold the button a few seconds til it blinks that nothing was wrong with the AC. I try to be there and have the answers then to turn around & tell my daughter and I'm sure others that I yell and don't help. What am I doing wrong? Tried to set boundaries but I think it is getting worse because I am limited due to being sick and she is tired of me not being there physically for her. Help! I have to get well, but this "stress" is too much. I love her but I just have so much.
You are going to cause yourself to relapse. (This is all said with concern since I just went through it and I didn’t even have covid nor was I hospitalized).
It also sounds like your mother needs a higher level of care and supervision. If she can’t work her AC, she could have a heat stroke.
Your mother has also lost the ability to care about anyone but herself. She should be concerned about your health as the first thing, but she is worried about silly things (except the ac… that is serious) over you. She needs to be evaluated.
people can say all sorts of things. that doesn't mean it's true.
Time to reconsider the entire situation, and stand up for yourself, it may be time for her to go to AL, where there is a host of paid servants at her beacon call.
You said "Temporary" situation then you intend to jump right back in feet first, my question is "Why"? Even now, while you are sick you are doing way too much for her and you are already in the burn out stage.
Take your life back, get yourself back on track. Remember "No" is a complete sentence.
Mom will dial the next person in her phone/address book & hassle them.
When it’s done, add up the times for things done, and also for things requested but not done. Take it to your mother and talk it through with her – no anger, just what you are actually doing plus not being able to do. Take a witness (your daughter?) who can make it clear that you are NOT yelling and you DO help.Let her think about it for a few days.
Then try again. This time, set out your boundaries – what you can do, and how much time you can spend. Once again, with an important witness. The end you are looking for is an acceptance from M about what you can do. And if it’s not enough, the discussion continues about where to find the additional care.
This has become more ‘in your face’ because you are not well. But the problem was there anyway, and it will get worse as M gets older. This is one way for you and M to look at the real issues, not just isolated problems like a TV fault.
Yours, Margaret
Does not sound like your mother is capable of “independent living”. You must take care of yourself first. As you step away to recover, your absence may give you a better idea of just how independent she is capable of being. I say this because, looking back, I enabled my mother to be “independent” long past the time she should have been in care. Stop, recover, and reevaluate with fresh eyes.
If you are looking for an excuse, steroids will make one more impatient and quick to anger in some people.
However, the bottom line is that your Mom has no clue how much you are doing for her. Call it selfishness, call it clueless, call it egocentric....
I don't know how to make her understand what a gem she has. Keep those boundaries up. Don't move them....and don't let her comments, guilt you into feeling that you are not doing enough.
I'm sorry you've been so ill! I think right now you need to forget about everything other than getting better. No one else is going to take care of you, right!?
Here's the thing. You are doing LOTS for your mom, but it doesn't that way to her. It's NOT because you're not doing enough; it's because she needs more help than one off-site person can give.
Your profile says that mom is in Independent Living. When my mom was in an Independent Living facility, she would call us for stuff like ants in the kitchen and burned out light bulbs. We would say, "no, mom. You have the staff do that."
She would say "oh, I don't want to bother them".
We told her that's why she was there, because we couldn't keep responding to all of these small requests for support--we had no time for our families or our jobs.
We visited on weekends, took her shopping, paid her bills, set up her meds and did medical appointments. Believe me, those tasks took up enough time!
If mom doesn't have others around to help, consider that she may need something like an Independent or Assisted living place where there ARE people around to help her.