My Mom sees me as my Dad when I am with her. What do I do?

Get your brother to read this. I'm sure he believes every word Mom says and does not stop to evaluate what is likely to actually be the real story. Copy and paste, print and mail, whatever he can't ignore. He has even more to learn than you do...and I'll tell you what, we have all had to learn A LOT. It honestly sounds to me like you have interpreted the situation totally correctly though.

I was a caregiver to many people who had dementia. We took a class on how to care for them and the instructor said to always be in their reality even if it isn't correct. It does not good to try to convince them of the truth. One person who I cared for always wanted to go home and he no longer had a home so I would have to get very creative to find ways to tell him that he needed to wait for someone to drive him or his car was being fixed etc. He did this every time I was with him and never remembered that his wife was dead and his house sold.

Thanks for a lot of encouragement E-1 -- as her daughter I am so saddened that she suffers so many "demons" and yet....this is no surprise to anyone -- she was always difficult and now it's just magnified....but your suggestions are much appreciated y'all.....

About the levels of h*ll, I don't know about classes but there are 7 rather distinct levels of Alzheimer's. It might do you good to become familiar with them and also to ask about what to do and get qualified answers from the people at Alzheimers.org. I learned from them that sometimes telling little lies is much kinder and actually works in certain situations. like when my mom would ask me if I would take her home - she was in her home already but I'd agree to do this and she'd calm down, forget the conversation he next day and ask me to take her home again, I'd say I was very busy but sure, I'd take her home when I was done, She'd calm down, forget the conversation the next day and it would go on like this. Try to deal with the moment and remember she's not thinking like most of us do anymore. Her concerns are self-serving and will become increasingly more narrow. Just love her and do what you can to give her peace of mind. Please do not argue or try to make a point. It's a waste of time and breathe.

I am at the start of this same problem. I am 60, she is 83. We both are going through trying to find a new facility for my father (late stage dementia). My mother almost always ends up mad at me when I see her by myself. She does not remember the accusing or yelling, and ends up crying inconsolably. The last time I spoke to her alone she called me by my dad's name 11 times, my own name once. She has a lot of anger for my dad.
I now make it a point to take my wife or son with me to all visits, or even repeatedly let her know one of them is there during phone calls. I do not know if this helps with the main problem, but it sure makes the visits more civil when there is another person there. When she remembers these visits it is not with crying or anger. She would not fight with my father in front of others in the past, I guess she won't publicly fight with the substitute either.

You are trying so hard and are a good son to your mother. It seems so unfair we have to protect ourselves from the ones we love. There are many good suggestions for you to try from these posts. I hope you find a good solution.

It's such an awful disease and no idea what part of their brains makes them associate these things. My dad is in NH now 2nd year - a couple of the ladies think he's their husband. One of them, Mimi, she absolutely does NOT like when other girls are around him - aides, nurses, me. Just gives you daggers the whole time. Found out later that her husband cheated on her regularly - so that's why the daggers any time females are around my dad. Just a reminder to be careful how you treat people - you never know what memories they'll be stuck with and how awful that it becomes sort of a prison to them to be trapped in.

My dad would see me as my mom; I just let it go but thankfully he never tried to do anything with me or anything like that but then he hadn't with her for a while either and apparently he didn't have any bad memories of her either, so...

You are the target, not the problem. Family dysfunction LOVES dementia because there are so many ways to assign blame. Go to a dementia support group where you live and learn how to either answer or ignore stupid comments. My FIL used to come unglued after each visit from his brother. We saw no reason to stop the visits, just gave his meds sooner to minimize the rants. Pretty soon we found out that he acts this way after ANY change in his routine. "It is not (insert event here) causing xyz behavior, it is the DEMENTIA"

The last 18 mos I had my dad home, he thought I was his girlfriend or at times my mom (I was her age at the time she died when all of this was happening). It was somewhat traumatic at times when he would want to kiss me. I would just gently remind him "no, not that head tilt kind of kiss dad" and then I'd go to the neighbor's to get myself together because it was unsettling. You know they can't help it but they are still your parent and my dad would be mortified if he knew that he'd just made advances on me. The first time I had to spend the night in the house, and the first time I realized he was having that much confusion, we'd gone to bed (he in his room, and me downstairs). All of a sudden the lights come on and he's asking me "are you staying here because you're interested in having a relationship with me?" And because this was a first, I didn't get it right away. I just said ' well, dad, I'll always have a relationship with you. And then it clicked, that he was confused and then I just got sick. And relieved at the same time my dad in that part of his life was a gentleman: (a) didn't come down undressed; and (b) he was concerned "she" had her feelings hurt because he went to his own bed. I tried very hard to just keep a sense of humor when I could -- the times he thought I was my mom, I just silently prayed - please don''t say anything gross.

If you have pictures from your childhood, make up a picture book and label the pictures clearly. In general, this can be a good idea for any older relative; my mom's mom died when her youngest brother was 5 years old. I found mom's photo album with pictures when the kids were growing up, including some with their mom, and made a simple picture album for this uncle, who was in a hospital near his daughter, about an hour from me. She told me later that he really appreciated and enjoyed those old pictures. (he passed away there from heart disease, brain mercifully OK.)

LaLa baby: As quite possibly she has been that way for years (miserable), it may be hard to change her at the point.

I was thinking of photos too. Pix of your Mom and Dad together at a happy occasion. Could cut, fit it in one of those key ring photo fobs so she can see it when you are there, understand you are not him if she's getting confused?

Other than that, it is sad when a parent blames a kid for bad feelings towards their Dad. As if the kid got to pick their Dad. I had 2 different childhood friends that had a different Father than their siblings and were treated totally different by their Mother. One kid's Father died in a car wreck, no life insurance, the Mother had to go to work in a factory since she was unskilled. It made their lives really hard, the Mother always blamed that kid's Father for leaving them in that boat, being too cheap to buy insurance, etc., and so did the siblings. Oddly, the Father of the oldest 2 kids, who left them and moved away never to be heard from again was put on a pedestal and remembered fondly. It was all the youngest kid's fault for being born and left Fatherless by such a rotten man whom he was "just like", the rotten man that had left them all in such financial ruin. (Never did hear any good things about the man that married a lady with 2 previous kids and supported them as his own, was kind and patient.) Weird! So my friend was kind of the family punching bag. They even called him by his, (different), last name like you would a team mate, rather than use his 1st name. That always annoyed me. Other friend, similar situation, except he was the oldest, and his Dad was a jerk. When mad at him his Mom would always say, "you are just like your Father". Thought it was funny one day when he said, "yeah, well you picked him, I didn't".

I guess point being favoritism is very unfair and mean spirited, especially when siblings join in. It seems pretty rampant out there so don't feel alone. One thing that sent up a flag, you said your Sis and Bro were kinda Mamma's kids? Seems like those are always the favs, where the independent ones are viewed less favorably. Would think it would be the other way around, but have to wonder if they think you don't like them, since you don't need them??? Something to think about anyway.

I'm not sure who you are posing the question to, karenhumble, but in answer to your question yes, I have tried showing pictures of me as I mentioned above. One time it worked, but the other times it hasn't. I often play music for her as she seems to enjoy it - mostly big band or easy listening music. We don't watch a lot of movies but we turn on her favorite TV shows she likes to watch, most of them funny, like Seinfeld, MASH, and Everybody Loves Raymond. She's not fond of too many movies these days, but thanks for the suggestions and input!

Hi Lalababy. My mother also has moderate dementia. Seven months ago when she still remembered who I was my husband and I moved her in with us because that is what she wanted. Now she no longer remembers who I am. I have tried telling her, "I'm your daughter, Lori," but then she just got mad and yelled, "No, you are not my daughter!" I even tried showing her pictures of us together in the past. The only time it worked was once when she recognized that I was the youngest daughter in a picture of all of her kids. However, now she just refers to that little girl in the picture as her daughter, Lori, but it isn't me. I am just "one of many Lori's" that comes and goes claiming that I am her daughter. Sometimes she thinks I am her sister whom she didn't like or get along with very well. Sometimes I am her sister's daughter. Sometimes I am her best friend, Ginny. Most of the time I am just another caregiver. It has taken me a while to accept that she doesn't remember who I am anymore and I have learned that in her case it is best that I don't argue with her as it just makes her upset and then she tries to leave. So as a result, after a recent hospitalization I decided that I just needed a break from her and all of the hurtful things she has said, like, "I don't love you anymore!" I know she doesn't mean it, that it is the dementia talking, but I simply need a break from her. She has always been a little critical with me, but now with the dementia it has really been hard to handle. I had a home health aide coming out approx. 2-3 days a week to provide respite care, but every time the aide came my mother would get upset. So I had the case manager at the hospital send her to a skilled nursing and rehab facility so I can take a break and go on vacation with my husband, whom she's also said some mean things to at times. She is in rehab right now, and I am relishing a little well-deserved time away from her. Of course, I go to visit her practically every day and sometimes twice a day. One day I was sitting with her in therapy and she began telling the therapist how special her boys are to her! I was thinking, "well, what am I? Chopped liver?" The other day she called blubbering like a baby saying that she was so lonesome and wanted to know if her "boys" could come and visit her. Well, I told her they were just here over Memorial Day Weekend when she was in the hospital. I told her that they all live almost 2 hours away or more and that they were probably working. But I told her that I would be over to visit her and would bring her the phone numbers of all her precious "boys." Then when I went to visit I offered to call them so she could talk to them. One of my brothers actually came to visit her in the nursing home yesterday, so I decided to take a break from visiting her yesterday since he was here. In my experience it is the caregiver, the one that is there all of the time, that gets the brunt of the nasty comments and behavior. While the ones who live farther away and aren't able to be there all of the time are placed on a pedestal. Again, this is something that I am learning to accept. I try not to let it get me angry, but when I do get angry I try to walk away and just allow myself some time to get over it. If your mom is upsetting you, I suggest that you just walk away from it. You have some great suggestions here already. Keep your visits short. Do what you can to make your visits with her as pleasant as possible, but don't take it personally if she thinks you are your dad whom she has ill feelings towards. If you try to remind her who you are with pictures and gentle reminders and it doesn't go over well, then don't argue with her. You could try going to visit her when other family members can go with you and see if that helps. Explain the situation though to your siblings in advance so that they understand. Then if that doesn't work, try simply calling her. Sometimes my mom doesn't remember what my sister looks like but recognizes her voice.

Most of all, I empathize with you. Allow yourself some time and space to grieve over the loss of your mother-son relationship, because it is truly a loss. If she has moments of clarity when she is more lucid and remembers who you are, then cherish those moments realizing that those moments will slowly become fewer and far between until she no longer remembers who anyone is and can no longer speak or walk. Try to make the most of the time that she has left on this earth, if not for her then for your sake. Hang onto whatever good memories you have left of her and let the bad ones go.

I have the same issues my mom calls me Mom when it gets bad I just distract her and one way or another either ask if she wants something to eat or I'll say I need to go to the bathroom and leave the room for a minute and then I go back in and everything's ok. Try the distractions they really help.

Dear LaLababy,
I found soooooooooo much comfort going to a support group for caregivers. Even though you may not think of yourself as her caregiver even the times that you see her means a lot.
My husband has Parkinson's. When he was diagnosed we started a PD support group and now 3 years later the group meets in our home, we have dinners together and we are such a great support for one another.
You will get good feedback on what other adult children have done to make things a bit better.
Much Good Luck.

First, realize your mom has dementia. She also lacks things to talk about. Looks like you're "it". Her perfect foil for garnering sympathy from others (He's sooo mean to me!)...AND the perfect subject matter to get other family members completely engaged with her and hanging on her every word. In some ways, I bet she's happy as a little clam.

Don't react to angry texts. Read and delete. Pick up the PHONE and have a bride conversation on the subject thru voice -- not texts. Horrible habit. "Oh, man...I swear we had a great visit. Lordy." Picture long sigh here on your part. Don't get angry. Be sad at the relationship you've lost.

If it gets too bad decrease your visits remarkably and make them short. If she can have candy, bring her some. Bring her flowers in a little mason jar vase. An assortment of Avon talcs. Come bearing gifts! She'll have LOTS more to talk about. And you can relate your little inexpensive gifts to the rest of the family when they accuse you of being mean.

I would show up with flowers and candy, and only stay for a quick visit. Just walk in, give her a kiss, tell her you love her, then leave. You don't need to have long discussions that are confusing for both of you. I would let your brother know she is confusing you with your dad and you will limit your visits so you don't dredge up bad memories for her. You should ask your siblings if there are things you can do to help with her care from a distance, they are probably bitter. If I caused an older person more grief than pleasure I would just back off, as unfair as it is. It's not your fault, but you don't want your visits to agitate or upset her, that can cause major set-backs and I'm sure you don't want that either. You can write mom a simple love letter, decorate it, put it in a protective sleeve and leave it where she can read it everyday so she always remembers you love her, and she doesn't have to see your face and think of your dad.

Can one of your siblings go with you so they see and confirm what is going on?

Keep reminding yourself its not your mom talking its the dementia. Took me awhile to realize that..It hurts I know..but in her heart she loves you.

I echo the great suggestions here. You likely look quite a lot like your dad did when he was young so your mom gets confused. The complication comes because your parents had a miserable marriage so that makes you the bad guy.

Old pictures can be a big help, plus gentle reminders that you are her son. Distractions can help, too.

The main thing is to try not to take this personally. She can't help it. You may have to accept that you won't be viewed with the love a son deserves, but that is one of the horrible things about this disease. Since apparently your siblings also see her, you can give yourself some breaks without guilt. As Sooz55 said, "Just let it go, no one wins on points with dementia."

Please keep us updated. You'll continue to find many people on this site who can relate.

Take care of yourself!
Carol

Thank You !!! I have tried some of these suggestions, some I haven't, so -- there's always room to learn and grow.....Sheesh !!! Are there "classes" for living thru the different levels of h*ll like this??? There should be.....:)

I agree with patrice. Keep reminding her. Keep calling her mom. Sometimes I will say, "You're my mother, I'm your daughter.'' Very calmly and she acts like she understands. Change the subject, give her some chocolate. Distractions are very helpful.

I've spent the last 5 yrs with my mom who confused me intermittently with her younger sister and her mother. Mom has passed on a few weeks ago but I remember how confusing it was. You can do one of two things or both depending on how much the dementia is affecting her; Let her think you're her husband and be as kind and good to her as you possibly can. It may help to heal the relationship if only in her mind. You can also gently remind her of who you are and again, be as patient and as kind as you can. You won't have her around much longer. I only wish I would have been more understanding of the disease that took my mom. I can't make it up to her anymore and it's a hard pill to swallow. Please try not to argue. Just let it go, no one wins on points with dementia.

Keep reminding your mom who you are. I found doing this with my mom was very helpful. Bring some pictures of family gatherings and tell her the story behind the pictures. Ask her about her childhood, her siblings. I found that when I controlled the conversation it would keep my mom at ease. Would it be possible to bring your family with you to some if these visits? Could you take her for a walk or ride (wheelchair) around her facility? Take her to get her nails done? Anything that would be helpful/pleasurable to her rather then just sitting and talking? Good luck

I know how you feel about this,. My mother blames me for all the bad things done by her and all family members throughout our lifetimes on earth. Why she does this, I don't know. She doesn't call my brothers and complain. Instead, she starts telling me what a bad person I am. My only defense is to walk away. It is the things I would suggest for you. If your mother does not like you and the visits are doomed, then there is really not much point in visiting. Maybe you could share visiting time with another family member so the focus wouldn't be so much on you and your mother. It would also show that you're not guilty of the things she says.

I wish we didn't have to protect ourselves from our parents, but sometimes we do. Dementia can make bad behaviors even worse.