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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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As Senior Move Managers, we see this everyday. Your Mum's home, even if it is falling apart, defines her and who she is.
We have a saying, "familiarity breeds CONTENT!" If possible, work through the project in two stages at a relaxed pace. Select her favourite thing to take to the new place and leave time to listen to the stories as you pack!
Make several visits to the house to get any other items she may need. Let her know that she is in charge -- the one thing we want is to maintain is our independence for as long as we can.
Put yourself in her shoes and be as gentle as you can. This is a huge life decision and your Mum is not only giving up her home, but possibly her neighbourhood and friends too!
The emotions to keep a home get stronger over time. Our mom moved to assisted living and agreed to rent out her home, but did not want to sell it. It took $10,000 to make it presentable. First, move her to Assisted Living with her bed, favorite chair, table and lamp. Then tackle the empty house.
When I took my mom to see other places, NOTHING compared to her own home. There was far more space in hr own home. Frankly, I wouldn't want to move either.
Her home was filled with her own things, her memories of her life. The new places were poorly constructed with cheap materials and the spaces were tiny.
My mom refused to move, nicely. She was open to looking around, she liked having breakfast with groups of other people and listening to the speeches and taking the tours, but she never found a great place to move to.
BTW it was ultimately cheaper to keep her in her own home and to have repairs done and bring help in, than all the money it would have cost to move her to a facility for the elderly. Also, my mom had fun getting 3 estimates. She was fearless with repair men coming in to her home. They were always kind and if they didn't do a good job, she would insist they come back and fix it. It was the thing that kept her strong mentally and alive. It gave her energy to putter around her house and take care of the little things she could still do.
Just sharing an experience. I hope it helps in some way with another perspective.
Its hard to let go of all the memories she has in her home. You have to ask yourself would you be willing to give up yours, to walk away from the one place that you felt safe no matter what condition it is in, its hers.
Put yourself in her place...There's something very final about packing up your life (the house and everything in it) It's like giving up everything ---losing the last bit of control you have over your own life. The place she raised her family and loved her husband in. It's kind of like looking at your spouse when he's 80 (or what ever age) You would see a Grandpa looking person but she's still looking at the young "stud" she married when they were both young. The house is like that too. She doesn't see all the warts in it but is looking at the house the way it was way back when. Anything else would be too heart breaking to her. I'm not quite that age but moving toward that and thinking about moving. It may come some day and my kids talk about it but If I can die in the arms of all that's familiar to me that's my most fond wish. The place memories of a life time were created here. The good and the bad--but it's my life all wrapped up under one roof. I know where every stain came from--every squeek is and why---I can walk around this place that's old and beginning to show its age as I am my self --wearing a blindfold and could do it with no problem. Everything is familiar to me--even what looks ugly and old to you. You're asking her to give up her last bit of life she can control and the last memories --even if they are fading a bit. I don't know the best advice to give you darlin'---but tread lightly over the human heart. You've moved on and created your own life and your own memories but that house is your Mother's -- every old dilapidated square inch of it.
I agree,with the others of why. Also, she can be nervous about her future or change even though she "knows" where she is going. Her home is probably very comfortable and "safe" to her. I wish her and you the best :) Keep reassuring her without pushing her.
I wondered why my dad wouldn't sell his home and move to assisted living. Then I put myself in his place. He shared the home with my mom who passed away 7 years ago. The house needs so much work, but after all, it is his home. He's comfortable there. He's alone in a 2 story home that needs all kinds of work. If it were me, I wouldn't want to leave either, so I will do what it takes to keep him in his home. When the time comes that he has passed on and I must sell the house, I will worry about it then. Maybe sell it "as is" and specify that the buyer gets necessary permits. Yes, the house will sell for much less that if it were fixed up, but the main concern is my dad's happiness and emotional state now.
I notice you say your mom is dealing with dementia so I am going to give you another 'take' on all this, based on my similar situation. #1 Dementia brings on so many issues with memory, emotions and ability to cope....your Mom may, at times, see the need to do something, like moving, but her coping skills are based on NO CHANGES in her life right now. Her memory depends on things around her staying the SAME so she can find them and deal with them. #2 Dementia is going to perhaps bring on an inability to stay in the home without help coming in. If you are in the US, you may need to help her get qualified for Medicaid to help pay for care down the road....and the one thing you CAN spend her excess money on, is fixing up the home, since, with Medicaid, they may get paid back via the sale of the home at some point. With my parents, we had to early on, place my Dad. An example of how the dementia and change do NOT go together....there was a broken toilet and thus a flood in my parents home. The disruption of workers in and out, bathroom not working, fans running to dry up the moisture for a week long, flipped my dad over the edge and within a month of that experience, we had to move him to a facility. His brain could NOT cope with all the changes. When he could not use his usual bathroom, he started to be incontinent during the night because he couldn't find the other bathroom, even when I posted signs leading him to it. There was a fan standing outside that BR door running. His brain thought it was guard who wouldn't let him in, so he started peeing in funny places in the house. So see, your mom is resistant because she is safe in her home, she knows where things are, and she can still care for herself there. I would start, if you are local and can help her, by only talking about 'housecleaning a room' or sorting out things she does not need anymore with no reference to 'moving' for the time being. Doing some necessary repairs if she can afford them. Things that will be helping to get ready for a move, without clearly using that word. Perhaps, if you might be able to have her stay in the home, it's a good time to trial hiring a companion to come in and 'help' do some of these cleaning and sorting chores without being pushy or controlling about the aspects of her needing help or getting ready to move out? When there is not enough $$ for this, it's harder, but in the US, we have senior organizations who also provide volunteers to do some minor repair work too. They come an repair gates, haul off un wanted items, mow the grass, do weeds for my Mom....who is still home alone.
Sometimes, it's not only the parent that's reluctant to sell a home. An old, abandoned home and lot sit beautifully nestled in an increasingly affluent neighborhood by me. I've talked with the family who live out-of-state and just want to keep their mother/grandmother's property as is... They are hounded by developer's to sell this property, but money isn't the factor here... It's what they want to do and I applaud them for doing what's right for them. When I drive by this place that is hauntingly beautiful (most people wouldn't even know it's there), and I feel a beautiful sense of love and peace.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
We have a saying, "familiarity breeds CONTENT!" If possible, work through the project in two stages at a relaxed pace. Select her favourite thing to take to the new place and leave time to listen to the stories as you pack!
Make several visits to the house to get any other items she may need. Let her know that she is in charge -- the one thing we want is to maintain is our independence for as long as we can.
Put yourself in her shoes and be as gentle as you can. This is a huge life decision and your Mum is not only giving up her home, but possibly her neighbourhood and friends too!
Hugs for the journey...
When I took my mom to see other places, NOTHING compared to her own home. There was far more space in hr own home. Frankly, I wouldn't want to move either.
Her home was filled with her own things, her memories of her life. The new places were poorly constructed with cheap materials and the spaces were tiny.
My mom refused to move, nicely. She was open to looking around, she liked having breakfast with groups of other people and listening to the speeches and taking the tours, but she never found a great place to move to.
BTW it was ultimately cheaper to keep her in her own home and to have repairs done and bring help in, than all the money it would have cost to move her to a facility for the elderly. Also, my mom had fun getting 3 estimates. She was fearless with repair men coming in to her home. They were always kind and if they didn't do a good job, she would insist they come back and fix it. It was the thing that kept her strong mentally and alive. It gave her energy to putter around her house and take care of the little things she could still do.
Just sharing an experience. I hope it helps in some way with another perspective.
She's stalling because she doesn't want to move or because the task of packing up everything is too daunting.
I don't know how long she's been there but if it's a significant amount of time she probably doesn't see how shabby the house is. That's her home.
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