Hi there. Stubborn dad won't accept help. My parents are lovely people who have an old fashion marriage. My dad always controlled everything, my mom just went along. I don't judge it because they do love each other and come from another era. My Dad has had a stroke in 2013. He is frail and can't speak. My mom came to me today and asked for help on how we can get the tires changed and oil. This is HUGE. Doesn't sound it but, remember, my Dad controls everything. She is asserting herself and I want to make her successful. My dad has temper tantrums and INSISTS on doing everything. I honestly am at a loss. He's controlling, she is trying to take control because she needs to knew. How do I support her in moving forward without making it worse. My dad has severe panic attacks when he doesn't get his way to the point we worry about him having a heart attack. It's just awful. I'm confused and could use your wisdom. Thank you!
I'd get a medical opinion and then help mom with what she needs. Does she have Durable Power of Attorney and Healthcare POA? If dad is needing more and more care, your mom may be exhausted and not letting on as to how much she's doing to run the household.
I'd figure out just how much dad can't do and get mom help. Tradition may not be something that remains when a person becomes disabled or suffers from substantial decline. Dad should be supported and assured that he is very important and valued, but, behind the scenes, I'd make sure mom has the help she needs to really take care of things.
And if it's too much for mom, adult kids sometimes have to step in to do that. Sometimes, full time, around the clock caretaking of a spouse is just not feasible for another spouse, without help. AND, I'd discuss meds with dad's doctor to help with his anxiety attack.
Your dad's illness, whatever it is, will only get worse. As he loses his independence and becomes frail, his temper tantrums will get worse. Can you help get him to a geriatric psychiatrist or primary care physician to get him some medication to take the edge off?