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My mom has always been anxious, but it beginning to be uncontrollable. She broke her hip in July and the problem got worse after she left rehab. She is now calling me 30+ times a day, just to hear my voice. I am her care giver, and like many of you, have an a**hole brother who does nothing for her, not even visit. Of course, he lived off my parents for years. Now that I think of it, he rarely calls her, so that's a clue. I can tolerate a few call during the day, but 30 calls seems excessive. She is in independent living, and persuaded the administrator to call me because she was sure I was dead! I turned off my phone due to a doctor's appointment. When in rehab her anxiety was so apparent the doctor ordered an antidepressant. She would fight it so it did no good, forcing me to take her cell phone. I am now forced to turn mine off for part of the day to get some peace. Any comments or observations?

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Tell her you will take one call a day and no more. Tell her to get out of her room and meet some people. And if she tells you she is anxious, tell her to take her meds. If she is forgetting meds, maybe an ALF would be better, they dispense meds and that has made a huge difference for our mom.
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Debsent, it sounds as if she refuses to take an antidepressant? You are her caregiver and she lives in a facility. So, you should ask the staff there to get her out for various activities. This will probably take some work on their part. But if Mom gets into the swing of things she may just find she enjoys it. If staff does not have the time to encourage her, most facilities will allow you to bring in an outside caregiver. Even a couple days a week, for a few weeks to get Mom interested in staying busy.

Surgery anesthesia is very hard on a elderly person's brain. In fact it was after surgery my Mom had that her dementia became more pronounced. While I think the anesthesia did something to her brain, it could have become more noticeable because following the surgery we were paying more attention to her.

Could it be that your Mom may be developing dementia? If so, the anxiety will continue to worsen as well as any other symptoms she is showing.
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Ahh, I read she is in independent living. Maybe assisted would be better suited at this time. What do her doctors say?
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Thanks. I do find these comments helpful.. Mom is in independent living, which means she will have to move if she needs more care. I have repeatedly asked her doctor to put on ativan, which she took in rehab, but he refuses to do so. I get some garbage back as a response. Her hip repair was done with spinal anesthesia. She has always been helpless and anxious, and my brother now exhibits same qualities. This has worsened since Dad died in 2010. One day last week, she called every half hour from 8:am until 11:30 PM. After noon I turned off my cell. She got two neighbors and the administrator to call my husband, who was at work, and my daughter, who was in her college Chem class. I am trying to study for a professional certification test so I can get a job. Her anxiety already cost me a job. So telling her to call once a day is useless. Her fellow residents don't understand the situation. She does this even though she sees us when we buy groceries, meds, and doctor trips, 30 per week. But it helps to know I can discuss this with good people.
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I should have said 3 afternoons per week. I am also a diabetic, with uncontrolled sugar, and the extra stress doesn't help. I am wondering if this is the onset of dementia? I know it can manifest itself in different ways. Her sister was paranoid, and would shove her pills in her bra. Her entire family had dependency and anxiety issues and she feels she must behave the same.
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Debsent, I would turn off the phone during the hours you are busy. Set up call screening, add your Mom,s number to the list. I can imagine how frustrating this is for you. When my Mom's decline first began she would make these calls even in the middle of the night, to all three of her children. It will get worse. Tell Mom she either tries an antipressant, antianxiety drug to help control the behaviors or and facility making new friends that will keep her busy and away from the phone.

If you continue to answer the phone, she will continue to call. Tell hubby and daughter that they need to stop answering the calls as well. And what is your daughter doing with her cell phone on during Chemistry class?! Sorry, one of my pet peeves how people are so attached to their phones they forget about decency. I also know that in many situations a cell phone is perfectly acceptable. But not, IMHO, in a college chem class.
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I would get her ASAP to a geriatric psychiatrist, if she is not being seen by one already. She may need a different anti depressant, or an additional one. Ativan is not a great drug for the elderly. Klonopin is supposedly better, less rebound, fewer cases of it actually CAUSING MORE anxiety. Is there a geripsych who comes to the facility? My mother benefited tremendously from meeting with the geri psych once a week, just to chat a bit. Mom's anxiety was what landed her in IL to begin with. In retrospect, it was caused by her Mild Cog Decline.
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Turn the ringer off on your cell or block your mom's number. Your call log will sill show that she called only you won't see her come up on your caller ID as she is calling. At the end of the day you can sit down and see how many times she's called.

I think once a day is reasonable. 30 times a day is way out of control. And don't break down and answer. If she has called you, for example, 13 times that day and you answer on the 14th time your mom gets the message that it takes 14 calls to get you to the phone.
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This is a hard one to deal with. My mom lived with me and she would always ask where I was if I left the room. She wanted to be with me all the time. It starts to drive you nuts. Now look at it from their view, nobody really knows what goes on in their mind. For some reason my mom felt secure being with me. They seem lost and you are their lifeline. For some reason you mom associates talking with you as a lifeline. Thats how they are coping now. My mom comforted me when I was growing up, and I tried to comfort her. What kind of effect on her if you don't answer. Sometimes it is a brain thing. Some anti anxiety meds could help! Dementia is such a cruel disease and hard to understand.
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Buzz word for me is 'dead'. She thinks you're dead. I wonder how she feels? I can't imagine having thoughts like that where I feel I have to call someone. Must be very nerve wracking for her.

My mom thought people were dead until doctors got her meds straight, and this included psychiatric medications, one of which is supposed a drug that 'dangerous' with people with dementia. We weighed the benefits, the quality of life it would give her, versus the downsides.

It's been a year. There has been no downside. At one time I tried to wean her off this, but the paranoia (i.e., dead thinking) came back. Right back on the drug, on which she will stay.

Not saying this is the problem. Just stating what we did. She's 91, mixed dementia, was in diapers in the hospital on her way to a nursing home. Got her out, has never had an accident, wears underwear, but after a year, there is cognitive decline which is to be expected. Does she drive me nuts? Yes! All the time.

How long was she on the anti depressant? It takes at least six weeks for it to work. It may have been the wrong anti depressant. You don't tell them they're taking it, you just give it to them. Don't know how that works in assisted living, but it works we me at home. Different people - different classes of drugs.

A doctor is not the person to give an anti depressant. You may need to find a geriatric psychiatrist or at least a psychiatrist with some sort of background dealing with people who are older. You're mom may have the beginning of dementia? Has she been tested?
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p.s. your bro has nothing to do with this. It seems it's all on you, so forget about him. You do NOT need the stress of having to be angry with him while trying to figure out how to deal with your mom. Only YOU know your mom. So, don't stress over your brother. Forget about him. Deal with your mom.
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debsent, this is just a suggestion, start the day early by calling your Mom.... tell her what you plan to do for the day [I know, she may or may not remember what you said] and that you won't be able to answer your phone until evening.... then you will call her in the evening to see how her day went. I know this is a long shot.
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If she has dementia, she may not remember that she has already called you. So, it makes sense to call over and over. She may never be satisfied with the call, because she forgets she reached you 5 minutes earlier. If this is the case, there is no way to make her remember to only call you once. She thinks every time is the first time.

I would have her memory checked. Some people can cover up memory loss pretty well until it gets very bad.
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Just thought of something else... since your Mom wants to hear your voice, could you set up a very basic landline phone with an answering machine and the only person who gets this telephone number is your mother. On the answer machine record a conversation that is directed only to your Mom, like you were actually talking to her if she was on the phone.

That landline will also come in handy if there is a 911 emergency at your home, as the fire/police dispatcher will know in an instant your home address.... even if you are unable to speak.
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I know exactly what your feeling. My mom absolutely bombards me with calls. They start after I leave her house. I won't have my butt parked on my own sofa yet, and my phone will already start ringing. Her record for calls made in one day is 56 calls. I've gone to my phone carriers website and physically blocked her calls just so I could get one day of peace. The downside is the tremendous guilt that eats at you for blocking your own mother, and my OWN paranoia that something WILL happen to her and she won't be able to reach me.

I took a dry erase board and wrote on it that she could call me at 11:00 am, 5:00 pm, and 10:00 pm. I also wrote if there was an emergency, she could dial 911 at any time. I put the dry erase board by her phone and a clock. She did adhere to this (for a few days at least.)
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Good ideas, but some I have tried with no success. To respond to gladimhere, my daughter keeps her cell on silent. This helped her greatly as she works in the college Chem lab One day, a gun wielding student got into another part of the lab. The college's emergency alert system was activated and allowed the lab techs to leave safely. The guy just showed the gun and left, but it was scary. I like the idea of a geriatric psychiatrist, because she has many isues that need to be taken care of. I am going to do the same and see a psychologist for anger issues. I am also considering an ALF for when I do go back to work. Turning off cell doesn't work, because she gets neighbors to call. I've got to make her doctor see the need for antidepressant. I am already taking one. Thanks to all. We are all in this together and you are all helpful and thought-provoking.
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My mother did this to my sister. Maybe 5 times a day, which was more than enough. I live 1500 miles away, but i begged my sister not to answer the phone. She wouldn't listen, but would still complain, to me. My mother has outlived my sister and is perfectly satisfied in a NH. Long story short - set boundaries and do not answer the phone.
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Don't add to moms anxiety by not answering phone. You must get her to a geriatric psychiatrist immediately for the right medication. It is unkind to both you and your mother to live this way when it can be prevented. Her anxiety is debilitating to hers and your quality of life.
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As we had to say elsewhere where the subject was bro't up ... what do you do when someone's doctor pooh-poohs what you see all day, everyday, because she doesn't see it when in her office for a few minutes? This doctor would not take seriously the cog decline/actions experienced when not at the doc's office! So, of course, she's not going to suggest some evaluation ... and you can't just haul Ma off to the doctor/psych, b/c she "doesn't need it." Now what ... ?? It's driving me crazy, and I don't want to end up early like her, b/c of all the stress dealing with her causes ...........
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You take your mom to see a geriatric psychiatrist. Or a gerineurologist. Make up some excuse. Obama care is my favorite. Dementia is not necessarily loss of memory, it's loss of reasoning ability and reality testing, due to cognitive decline.
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She's lonely. That will solve most of the issues. I feel you. My mom lives with me and my bf ...I've gone through 2 husband's ..she's nearly 84 and has dementia and I do her pills...and we have a great nurse that comes once a month unless needed more..so yes I feel ya.

Thing is the place your mom is at...isn't helping her the way she needs them to.
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Get her some CALM from the health food store. Or on line. It is magnesium, it will calm her nerves and yours too if you use it also. Most of us are lacking magnesium. Get the raspberry-lemon flavor. Take one teaspoon with h2o as needed.
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Sounds as if an antianxiety medication may be needed; ask her primary care physician.
How about making a CD of your voice for her to have or some movies that she can watch of you now? We have all this new tech., use it to your & her advantage.
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You don't say what her insurance is but patients and families have a CHOICE as to Doctors and health care decisions. If you are not satisfied with her current doctor, find another that is going to meet the needs (I would as her symptoms are out of control). If the plan requires a referral from her primary to geriatric psych, ask for it. Call her plan for info and provider names. Many insurers nowadays have Nurse care managers assisting with members needs. Your Mom needs professional help and you have the right to choose it.
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Thanks for confirming what I was thinking about a psychologist. I am definitely going to do that. I think a visit or two would be good for me, also. Anger makes decision-making difficult. I need to work on my reaction, also.
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Grettaharen wrote:
"It is unkind to both you and your mother to live this way when it can be prevented."

Are you sure it can be prevented? If your parent's doctor pooh-poohs things (found out via another incident how flaky she was, anyway, so haven't been back there), and your mother refuses to budge (you cannot carry her!) to see another doctor, especially since her doctor says there's no need ... is further pain, suffering due to her state in which she refuses to cooperate with you when you want her to go somewhere else, really preventable? Her separated-35-yrs+ spouse (tho' not divorced) spouse isn't here to deal w/it ... I feel like I'm left having to deal w/what he should be dealing with ... with no authority to do so, but left to bear the brunt of the whole situation.

Just how preventable ... ?? It will continue as is until ... until something finally shows up that's bad enough for someone else to intervene ... for her to realize she HAS to listen, has to go see another doctor (which might at least calm down some of the daily junk, w/help?). Just the other day just one of the things made itself evident again: I start getting some things from the fridge for dinner, tho't they seemed a bit warm ... looked, & she'd turned it way down (again) ... "to save energy." Hey, Ma! You'll wreck many more $$$ FOOD than the few pennies energy you'll save~ "DON'T turn the fridge down again. You WRECK FOOD that way!" Don't even feel like buying any decent meat now, after that happened again. Ought to buy just veggies, etc, that won't be harmed so much if warm too long ... you don't know when she might do it again! I'd like to make it to somehow NOT be able to be turned down w/the thermostat that's too handy ......
That's only one of a multitude of things that occur .........
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stuck1, duct tape comes in handy for putting over the refrigerator temp dials, even electric tape will work.... your Mom might still try to pick the tape off but will give up after awhile. Worth a try. No guarantee if the type will ever come off, or leave a sticky mess, but hopefully it will save the food :)
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Ativan worked well for dad, along with seraqual, there was many times my dad would look for me, he is still living with me and my ma, but he is bed bound and in late stage alzheimers. I only wish that he would call for me or come to my room and spend time with me, anyways, i know it seems bothersome now, but trust me, the day will come where u will want a phone call from her, and u won't receive it. I am not trying to depress u, i wouldn't wish that on anyone, but ask doc about ativan and seraqual,, could make a difference.......one day at a time dear friend,,,,god bless
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About the pooh pooh-ing docs, my uncle had one of those. She told my cousin "your parents are nice people and nice people don't get Alzheimers". Unbelievable! If the isn't meeting YOUR needs, find a better doc!
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Stuck1, I addressed my response to the original poster based on info she provided. It was not a blanket suggestion to everyone, and clearly not to you as I do not know details of your situation . Good luck to you.
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