Momma is 80. We lost Dad three years ago and I am the prime care giver. It seems like I am the one that she likes to vent too about how brother and sister are living their lives - one does not even have a job and the other one cannot pay his bills even with a job - but then she gives them money. Being doing that for the past 30 years. Brother is 52 and sister is 57. If you heard her talk to them over the phone - it sounds like she is talking to a child. She does not talk to me that way. I then have to listen to her bad mouth everybody else in the family from her half sister, her husband, friends, friends husbands, brother in law and his family and everybody else. It is always the same stories over and over and over and over again. She keeps telling me that she didn't have a very good childhood while she was growing up. That they got rid of her. I got tired of hearing about it the other day and told her that was in the past and she needed to let it go. She was married for 56 years to a great husband that provided her with love, money, a nice house, clothes, trips to Europe and that she turned out fantastic. She got ruffled after I said that. I call her every Sunday and sometimes I dread it because I know that we will talk about the same stories all over again. During the past three years since we have lost Dad - she has said things to me that has hurt my feelings and then when I confront her about them - she says that she does not remember. I handle her finances for her because she cannot do them. I make sure she has everything she wants and lives in the same lifestyle that Dad provided for her, but I feel like that I am not one of the "favorites". Never was - never will be.
im young for dementia but maybe a little baked in the head so what escapes me is hot vapor ..not a lot of difference i guess ..
My parents choose to remain in their own home with no one their own age to talk to, without cable TV to watch something different, and rarely getting out of the house because they no longer drive. Again, their choice.
How I wished my parents would have moved to a retirement village, then we would have new things to talk about. I have no siblings, and no children. So my daily conversations with my parents is usually weather related and their aches and pains, or wondering who parked a car near the front of their house :P
Tee hee hee, I thought. I haven't, however, been able to think of a single person I could send this to without giving great offence - what if they take it personally?
And, of course, while it's maliciously amusing in theory, in real life it doesn't half get you down. I occasionally look my mother in the eye and say "is there anyone you DO like?" Unforgivable crimes include: being pretty, being silly, being successful, being self-sacrificing, being good, being a worry, calling too often, not calling at all, being too independent, being too helpless (or "wet")… phewf.
I think it's just spleen, isn't it? But I sympathise with how wearying to the soul it becomes. And, worse, if she's started on you then that wants nipping in the bud. A crisp reminder that she ought not to bite the hand that feeds her (excuse mixed metaphors) wouldn't do her any harm - why should you have to listen to insults?
beginning of dementia. Does she live alone? Is there a senior center she can go to? For mil, it gave her a whole new set of people to be mad at! I think at some point you have to perfect the hmmm on the phone while you mend clothes or do the crossword. And yes, antidepressants might help.
To mother, people are either great or dreadful, though she can switch her opinion of any individual for no apparent reason. She prefers to dwell on the bad stuff and it is very tiresome. How do you deal with it? Distraction - bring up another subject is one way. Reduce the calls one way or another ( frequency or length). At times, I have simply stated that I like the person and named some of their good qualities. That usually stems the criticism. Once I told her firmly that I didn't want to hear anymore about a certain person as it spoiled my visits with her. She only talked about that person once or twice more. You won't change your mother. You are looking for ways to make your relationship with her more bearable for you. If the weekly phone calls are not pleasant don't call as often, or cut the call short when she starts in about someone. You don't HAVE to listen to it. I am not my mother's favourite either and that's OK. I have made my peace with it. I actually don't want to be that close to someone with her problems, but I will do what needs to be done regarding her finances and care. I don't expect any thanks for it, in fact, I expect trouble from her or from my sister. Just the way it is. I don't like it, but it is my reality.
Take her to get a nero-psych eval, to see what's going on in her head. If it's a dementia or not, there is probably a lot to learn by doing that. At the least, she could come away with some anti-depressants.
It's not a normal aging "feature" to become chronically embittered and negative. There's lots of 90+ year olds where my mom is who are all happy, chipper, and quite lovely to be around. Even in the face of my mom's Olympic level negativity!
It's her super power.
It may be time to start thinking about mom's future based on what the doc says. Assisted living places can be like moving onto a cruise ship that stays put. There's activity, people, events, meals, book clubs, field trips, music, church services, music, discussions, and support groups. Staying home alone may not be a good option for her mental wellbeing. Maybe a daycare option would break up her week and be a fantastic distraction.
And making it worse is now social media.... people rushing to Tweet this or That about someone else.... [sigh]
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