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When I took care of my then 92-93-year-old bipolar-afflicted mom during 2012-2013, Mom would control her wants ahead of my needs. Yes, I felt manipulated to the point where family and I arranged an ombudsman and social worker for her, and an LCSW social worker for me to deal with the extreme stress. I advise caregivers who feel manipulated that this behavior is not OK and to obtain professional help.
It's one of two things - as Chimonger said - could be manipulation, but as Jeannegibbs said, it depends on whether Mom was like this all of her life, or if this is new.
If this is a new behavior, it's time for a doc visit to find out what's going on. Believe it or not, a UTI (urinary tract infection) can cause absolutely bizarre behavior changes if not treated and eliminated. With elderly folks, who often have dementia to deal with, a UTI should always be checked out as part of an investigation into new behavior patterns.
We do need more history on your mom's behavior before we can offer much of any other suggestions.
https://www.agingcare.com/Members/Patathome01 Wow! I wished I'd known about doing all that, when Mom was under our roof! That could maybe have made some seriously beneficial intervention. I kept being told there was nothing I could do about it, by police, by social workers, by suicide prevention center call takers, by Area Agency on Aging. I know all those have things they can do--we just kept falling through the cracks between systems. I have a hunch that lots of caregivers and their families fall through cracks like we did. Gotta wonder, what perfect storm of events and bad parenting happened, that so many elders it seems, have these behaviors? It's not just dementia. It's life-long behaviors I'm talking about--that make dementias all that more difficult. Can only pray things get far better, fast. Hope it's not quite as bad with Baby Boomers.
It's called Bullsnot. Move her to a facility where the other residents will not tolerate that kind of malarkey. You, see her peers will see through that stuff and call her on it. They might even tell her she was spoiled.
You can also try to beat her at her own game. The next time you're embarrassed and put down in front of someone, start crying and through tears explain that you're doing the best you can but you just don't understand why she's so hostile toward you. If you have to, leave the room, go into another room, close the door and sob.
Even if her behavior is manipulative, you may make her feel embarrassed that she's humiliating and accusing you of misdeeds.
I don't suggest this lightly or to be mean, but it may be powerful enough that she recognizes how badely she's hurting you.
Mom went to her neourologist today. Told him I've noticed that Dementia/Alz people keep their sense of humor. He said people who were nice people to begin with are nice people when they have Dementia/ Alz. If they were mean before they will still be mean. I always said if some is mean in old age and they weren't earlier in life they were just better at covering up. Everyone thought my MIL was such a nice lady. Yes until she didn't get her own way.
Passive Agressive. Thats how they get what they want. MIL lived in Fla. Three sons living in Ga, Miss and NJ. She ended up in the hospital for a UTI at 91. She thought one of her sons would get her out of rehab. Nope, all told her once she got better. So, she started acting like she was getting weaker not eating, not doing therapy. Once when I was alone in her room (she was at therapy) her roommate told me MIL had sat up and ate a good breakfast and was talking to her. Thats when I knew she was playing her sons. Well, it backfired on her because she did slowly decline. Telling her she was going to Ga. to a rehab there didn't help. She didn't get a long with that SIL and she was the last person she wanted telling her what to do.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Was she like this -- blaming, lying, manipulating -- all her life, or is it something new since she needed a caregiver?
What are her medical issues? How long has this been going on? When does she see your friends?
You are certainly not alone in having these problems. Give us a little more detail so answers can be more specific.
If this is a new behavior, it's time for a doc visit to find out what's going on. Believe it or not, a UTI (urinary tract infection) can cause absolutely bizarre behavior changes if not treated and eliminated. With elderly folks, who often have dementia to deal with, a UTI should always be checked out as part of an investigation into new behavior patterns.
We do need more history on your mom's behavior before we can offer much of any other suggestions.
Wow! I wished I'd known about doing all that, when Mom was under our roof!
That could maybe have made some seriously beneficial intervention.
I kept being told there was nothing I could do about it, by police, by social workers, by suicide prevention center call takers, by Area Agency on Aging.
I know all those have things they can do--we just kept falling through the cracks between systems.
I have a hunch that lots of caregivers and their families fall through cracks like we did.
Gotta wonder, what perfect storm of events and bad parenting happened, that so many elders it seems, have these behaviors?
It's not just dementia.
It's life-long behaviors I'm talking about--that make dementias all that more difficult.
Can only pray things get far better, fast.
Hope it's not quite as bad with Baby Boomers.
Even if her behavior is manipulative, you may make her feel embarrassed that she's humiliating and accusing you of misdeeds.
I don't suggest this lightly or to be mean, but it may be powerful enough that she recognizes how badely she's hurting you.
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