She's 88-yrs-old and blames everybody for her problems. She says that her housekeeper cut her bushes too short and killed them when actually she went away and they weren't watered. I live 30 miles away and help take care of my severely autistic grandson several days a week yet I go there once a week unless I can't. But she accuses me of going every other week, that I don't care. She has always put herself 1st and if it weren't for my grandmother, we would have been neglected. Now she expects me to dote on her and I resent it. I'll soon be 65 and in pain much of the time. I often neglect my husband and house to go down there. I'm sick of this but morally obligated. Thank you all for listening. Any advice?
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What I think she does is ruminate these negative things in her mind. Sometimes I'll come in the room and she'll be mad at me about something. Soon she'll tell me something I did wrong that is usually out of left field. If I try to defend myself she'll just get mad.
I wish there were a way to get her to stop that illogical ruminating she does. I'm actually a pretty nice person, but to hear her talk much of the time you would think I'm dead set on destroying her. It's just that negative tumbling of thoughts that she does in her head.
I don't have any advice, since I know the only defense I have when my mother does it is to walk away. Anytime I try to defend myself she just gets angry and escalates the bad feelings. This isn't really new behavior for my mother, but it is worse now that she is old with dementia. I often have to remind myself that it is not me, that it is her, but still it wears on the self esteem after a while. Why parents do this to the one closest to them (and to people who come work on the house) is a mystery. Maybe it is because other people don't come around enough to be in their minds.
Any grief about that, by the way, and you could always cut it back to every third week...
Good luck with everything! Try not to get too overwhelmed. When I first started in this group, I was at my wits end! I was just so distraught over my circumstances. This group was and still is, a blessing to me....
A good yelling match, provided it is broadly equal, is healthy. And think how pleased your neighbours will be to have something to talk about besides the economy.
Nothing wrong with listening and "understanding" where she's coming from. I think that as they age, less attention is sometimes given. My father passed away 3 years ago and mom NEVER complained -- ever. When he passed, she got very lonely, especially in the evenings when she has to go to bed, because they used to stay up late and watch movies, etc. Though I am in the house, I am in another section and always invite her, but she rather stay in her bedroom. But she will complain to my sister about her pain and then look at me and smile and ask, "So when's dinner? What are we doing later?" *pulls hair out* I asked her, "Ma, you said you were in pain, you ok?" -- She says, "Oh you know how worried your sister can be -- I'm fine."
I don't know.
My point is: sometimes when it's not 'all about them', it's a cry for help. I truly believe that maybe my mom doesn't really know how to ask right out, "Hey, I'm a bit lonely, are you busy?" Or whatever it is they need... maybe that's the case with your mom? So I appease her because I think, when I'm her age, I'm going to want to express my needs, but I know I will feel bad about it.
She also probably knows that you have your own problems too and you have issues with pain, so she is trying to 'one up you' with her problems so that you'll rush to her aid......... ?? Just a thought......?
I can't give you sound advice because of your situation. You live 30 miles away, in pain and have your life that you need to tend to. That's difficult to go and up yourself and appease someone. Do you have siblings? See, because my mom lives with us, I get to appease her and cater to those cries for help because it's no sweat off my back and that choose to do this. But in this case, you need to do what's best for you and never, ever, let that awful emotion "guilt" get in the way of what you want in your life.
I don't know if my story helped, but I can relate to some degree, re: the complaining and self-centeredness. And it only gets worse from here. (Sorry to be a downer!!!)
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