I used to live with my mom & help take care of my granny. She still lives with my mom but she doesn't want her anymore. I want her to live with me & my mom's brother would help too! None of the family want her to go in a home except for my mother! Granny has Alzheimer's but knows who we all our & can still take care of herself. She just needs a little built of help (she's 97:-)) my granny doesn't understand my mom wants to do this to her but says she would rather live with me than go in a home! Is there any way to stop her? We always said when she didn't know us or couldn't take care of herself, then she would go in. But not now while she still gets around & dances & cleans & takes care of herself !! Thanx:-)
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Hugs.. I have to believe that your mother is acting in your Granny's best interest. Taking care of an ALZ. patient is unpaid 24hour a day work for 7 days a week.
If you're not, and you still hate the idea, and you want to change your mother's mind, then what you have to do is come up with a REALLY practical alternative. Even the best intentions aren't enough: you need expertise, space, a full care team, access to medical and nursing services, and above all you need time.
The other point to make is that it's a mistake to wait until your granny has really declined before you commit her to a nursing home. If it's going to happen, it is MUCH better for her to walk in than to be wheeled in. She'll have a far greater chance of establishing a good quality of life if she's still comparatively well when the move happens.
If your grandmother didn't have dementia, I'd agree with Captain that you can always give it a try and see how it goes. But with dementia, change is very hard to manage and the outcome could be your granny ending up in a worse situation: still in a nursing home, but really upset and confused from the outset.
So. Come up with a hard-headed, clear-eyed, realistic, practical, budgeted plan and maybe your mother will agree to it. Don't forget: she wants the best for your granny, too.
What I'm trying to get at is this. Perhaps your mother sees how grandma really is - in the privacy in the home without any others seeing it. Maybe, just maybe, your grandmother is giving your mother more and more resistance to being help. To the point that your mother can no longer or is just too tired of caregiving grandmother 24-hours every day by herself. At least in a home, there would 24-hour caregiving - in shifts.
I think the most important thing to do is sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with your mom. No Accusations. No Blame. Just build the conversation towards grandma, her wishes, your mom's caregiving, and what made her decide that it is now time to put her in a home. If you can be Neutral, then your mom, hopefully, will be able to open up to you what is really going on inside the home, how She is feeling, etc... Maybe, just maybe, if you handle this right, she might let grandma stay with you for a limited trial period. A year sounds about right. Not too long and not too short.
You do know, that when grandma moves in with you, that you become responsible for her, right? If she falls, and gets bruised, that the authorities would automatically think "elderly neglect"? My dad just recently went to the ER. One of the questions they asked me was, "Did he fall or get hurt?" I replied No. Sister-in-law said that if I had answered "yes", the medical staff is obligated to report this to authorities. Then I would be investigated to see if there was elderly abuse in the home. You see, our DA's pet project is Elderly Abuse.
I agree with you about not wanting her in a home and she is 97 which is wonderful! I agree with the others, see if you can take a trial run for a couple months ( its usually takes a bit for the stress and pressure to kick in) and if it works out wonderful :) But be prepared that if your mom and grandmother agree to this, it might be on your shoulders one day to have to admit her in a NH.
You should try to visit a home where the disease is advanced, to get an idea what you will be dealing with. I wish you all the best luck and prayers and hope you all find whats best for granny, even if it is the nursing home. She may really like the nursing home :) There are good ones out there!
***If your loved one wants to name you POA and HCP she can simply fill out new forms. They supersede the old ones.
I was in your exact situation and wanted to care for my parents at home with hired help. My brothers put them in a nursing home and did everything possible to exclude me...even having me removed from their Health Care Proxy. (They are confused and will sign anything their kids ask them to.) i called Adult Protective and I finally realized they could do whatever they wanted as long as they were not declared incompetent, so I took them home. Adult Protective Services was called to inspect, and were impressed with the care I was providing. Note: I did have to purchase/rent ramps and other necessary safety equipment. You can find these items used on e-bay, or get them for free at many local fire departments and such. Research everything online!!!
Everyone said I was crazy, I didn't know what I was getting in to, blah, blah. Taking them home was the BEST decision I ever made. Nursing homes are ALL understaffed. The care and quality of life are atrocious. (My parents were in a very "reputable" home.) I ended up quitting my job to care for them myself at the nursing home for 12 hours each day. Unless someone has observed all day for several days they have no idea how substandard and depressing it is. My parents would be dead by now if they had stayed there. My mom was always dehydrated and my dad went for weeks with untreated UTIs
The US is one of the only countries that puts their elders in these institutions. Most countries take care of their elders at home. It is no different than sending your old family pet to the pound.
Yes it is difficult. So is having children, caring for pets, and getting a degree. That doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. Where there's a will there's a way.
You will definitely need help and there are many options available. Talk to a lawyer about applying for Medicaid. They know how to transfer monies before applying. Medicaid will assess the situation and most likely provide some covered hours (by Medicaid approved caregivers) in the home. Go online to find Medicaid approved caregivers. You have a choice in who you hire...don't let anyone tell you that you don't.
There are also day programs for seniors which offer social/interactive activities, Meals on Wheels for inexpensive meals, doctors who make home visits, free prescription delivery (some Rite Aid stores) and a variety of other helpful resources that no one seems to know about.
God Bless You.
VickiRuff: I am with your 110% and doing the same here with my Mom. Everyone thinks "why dont you put her in a nursing home?" Never!
Theboss: I dont mean this in a bad way but at your age you could go before your husband if you dont get help. Please talk to your children , call the doctor for a social worker to come to your house to give you options. Best of luck to you, you are a trooper but time to take care of you now and get help.
Your mom has cared for her mom for many years and my guess is that granny's needs have increased to the point of needing outside the home care. One of the things you can do is coordinate with mom and others about visiting granny where ever she goes.
I am caring for my Dad (94) and it is more taxing than I imagined. And he is relatively easy to care for compared to others on this site. I am tired, have trouble getting away for a weekend, having dinner with friends, having alone time...it all adds up.
You can love your grandmother in different ways that will matter.
My boss's wife use to love to dance Scottish music every morning with him before he left for work, now she rarely does that.
Just a few weeks ago my boss had to bring their bedroom down to the family room as his wife was having trouble with the stairs. Gosh when she was visiting the office last year, she was up and down the office stairs with no problems at hall.... how quickly that has changed.
If your Grandmother can go into a "memory care" facility now it would be easier for her to get to know the Staff and the other patients who are there. She could make new friends. If you wait, she might resist as her illness advances.
How long as it been since you lived with them?
Why does your mother object to Granny moving in with you?
How old are you? Are you married? Kids?
A little information would help with more specific responses.
You can't stop this unless you want to go through the painful and expensive task of becoming your grandmother's guardian which would mean taking your grandmother to court, having two doctor's testify that she is no longer competent, and then hoping the judge picks you as the guardian. If you chose to do this, you might damage your relationship with your mother.
My dad has Alzheimer's and within a year of being diagnosed with this already has trouble knowing who I am. He is 89 and in otherwise good health. I don't know how long she has had Alzheimer's, but I share my dad's experience to say that this disease can cause a person to decline very rapidly and they do become more difficult to help 24/7 by just one person. If your mother has been caring for her mother 24/7 solo, then she is ready for a break and probably can tell that it is time for your grandmother to go to a nursing home.
We were able to fight the POA's using elder care abuse, because she was able to say over and over, that she did not want to go into a nursing home, but she also has to be able to say that she wants you to do it, and it can be verbal, make sure you initiate a visit with senior abuse while she is visiting you...