This is something I haven't thought about, she says I can't be trusted to wash my hands etc. I just don't tell her most of the time when I have meetings etc, but of course I sometimes am missed from the house and the questions ensue.
I cannot ask her to clear every meeting, every trip, every gas stop etc, what to do?
I'm being driven slowly crazy by these impossible conditions
Maybe you could not let what Mom says get to you as much. However, I understand how her demands could unsettle you.
Can you drive the RV away, or do you need to hook it up to a vehicle?
on an equally maddening note, mom has taken each "heart to heart" conversation and gleaned points from it to accuse me of the same exact things our last heart to heart might have included, sometimes a year later!
I mean, I love her but it is a bit like having an awful horse, you know the mean one that'll bite or kick, not safe in the same enclosure with others etc, she's like a rowdy as heck appaloosa hahahaha
That being the case, I will channel Ahmijoy, one of our favorite commentators here who used to say. "The answer is 'No, Mom, I cannot possibly do that'",
Tell her if she cannot trust you, and feels she might be safer in an extended care facility, then you will help her to find one, but that may be difficult in Covid times. Tell her that otherwise she will simply have to trust you to be the responsible gal she raised you to be.
There is nothing that says that you must replace mom's hired 10 hours of help or comply with her out of line demands.
Tell her you are taking CDC-recommended precautions and if that isn't good enough for her, then she will have to make other arrangements.
My husband and I were first responders who were assigned to the World Trade Center site in 2001; my husband actually was digging in that rubble for weeks. And at the time our kids were very young and I was much more concerned about bringing in those toxins to them during that time than I was bringing in Covid to mom. During the WTC, when we came home, we changed clothing and showered in the basement bathroom, then brought the clothing we wore right into the laundry room next door to the bathroom and ran them through the machine. Then we came upstairs to see the kids. If you live on the same property, can you do something similar with mom? That is, to change your clothing and take a quick shower before you go and see her? I assume you have things you need to do for work, just as we did - sometimes you don't have the luxury to pick and choose what you're exposed to.
I think it's ok to have a heart to heart with mom and tell her what you think is reasonable and what you think isn't.
If she's genuinely concerned for her health, then do your best to reassure her; however, is this if a way for her to exert control (and I'm not insinuating this is the case, but some people are like that) then that is so not ok, and were I you I would call her on that behavior. And if she's doing it to exert control, then go about your business as you have been doing and don't feel guilty.
Good luck!!
If the two of you do not agree, (or if you are not able to follow stricter guidelines on her behalf), maybe you need to practice wearing a mask at home and keeping your distance of 6 ft.? Taking your temperature before entering the home?
You do not need to start 'reporting to her', like you said, these are crazy impossible conditions. You say these are things you have not thought about before. Do you mean that you are not thinking seriously about the Covid protocols, restrictions, safety measures?
Where did Mom get the idea that you are not washing your hands properly?
The whole Covid thing is crazy and ridiculous, but Covid is real, and you don't need to be the one that brings it home to your elderly mother, no matter what you 'believe' about Covid.
If there continues to be a huge difference of opinions and practices, maybe Mom needs to be more isolated and protected?
Hope these things can be worked out.
She had home care workers coming in but now has let them go so I must pick up the slack.
I know it isn't fair that she replaced her 10 hour per week help to do housework with me, but I'm grateful for the chance to help.
It's just... she has made an unreachable goal of controlling everything that could possibly happen to, around, or because of any relationship she has.
She has always done this. I have always bristled at it.
Now it is a matter of whether she can stay in her home or not. She has repeatedly and consistently said she wants to age in place.
I am willing to go the extra mile, but she truly pushes the limit every single time about every single thing.
She's a vituperous rattlesnake...
Have the rattlesnake leave the house and sit outside or in the car when you go in to clean.
Do not enter her house to bring in food or groceries, leave them on the porch.
Quarantining for Covid requires these protocols to protect the elderly.
Is she ambulatory enough to get to the door to receive groceries or food?
You say she may not be able to stay in her home. How much help does she need?
Sorry this is so hard on you.
I don't know if you live in mom's house or if she lives in yours, but you can't stop living your life just because Covid is going on. Perhaps if she doesn't feel safe with you working and running errands outside of the house, you might want to suggest to her that you will find her a nice facility where they will take all kinds of precautions, including not allowing you nor any other family members in to visit for who knows how long. We'll see if she changes her tune then. And if she doesn't, then perhaps it's time for one of you to move out.(again I'm not clear on whose house you're both living in) Good luck.
Many times elders get unrealistic with their needs and expectations of caregivers and loved ones. That doesn't mean you have to jump through ridiculously fiery hoops to make her happy.........because chances are, she'll just change the terms AGAIN once you do.
Wishing you the best of luck figuring out how to keep your mother calm!