Mom wants me to get involved with Dad's caregiving. Any advice?
My father is 79 and has health issues (heart, limited walking, congestive heart failure). My mother is 69 and has given up on taking care of my dad. He's still fairly independent, but has become incontinent. He makes a mess in the bathroom, his pants are always wet or smells like urine. My Mom says she tried to get him into adult undergartments but he refuses. He says he doesn't have a problem. He is getting hard of hearing, and I think his mind is starting to slowly go. He frequently forgets to shut the bathroom door, or the bedroom door when he's changing. He has been caught walking around the house with his pants unzipped and "hanging" out. My kids go to their house after school, so this is becoming an big issue. My mother has gotten fed up with his uncleanlines, and his forgetfulness and it comes out in her demeanor towards him and how she talks to him. I think my dad has decided he can't make her happy so why try and even goes out of his way to ignore her requests such as changing urine smelling clothes. He even told me that he doesnt' care what people think anymore and shouldn't have to at his age. My mother informed me that since he won't listen to her anymore and she's tired of trying (she thinks he's just lazy and a bum and believes he can control his bladder if he wants to), and that it's up to me and my brother to handle him now. I don't know what to do. I know my brother (who lives with them) won't do anything. He just complains about dad behind his back. I feel bad for my dad but don't know what I can do to help him or my Mom. He won't listen to me either, and will just accuse me of being controlling like my mother. I feel bad for him because of how my mother talks to him. But I know he brings some of it on himself. And even if I tried to step in, I know my Mom would have her own agenda on how I should handle things despite the fact she says she doesn't want to deal with him anymore. I just feel that i'm stuck between an rock and a hard place at the moment. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I would avoid getting caught in the middle. It's really not your responsibility to care for your uncooperative father.
Look at the facts: Moms has given up on taking care of him and wants to push it off onto her daughter. Your brother doesn't seem to be of any help. Your father seems to be going out of his way to be uncooperative and offensive.
Why, why, why would you want to step into such a situation?
I would counter with a proposal that Dad find someplace else to live if he can't abide by the terms of Mom's home. Unfortunately, these are costly, but it seems he's ruining your mother's life and is determined to be obnoxious and unclean.
You could consider calling APS to help get him out of the house, and for your mother's protection, but they may not intervene.
This must be very painful for you since this is your family, but I don't see any way that stepping in to be the surrogate dart board would in any help you or the situation. In fact, it will likely ruin your life - you'll be caught between 3 people who thus far haven't been able to solve the situation. Do they think you have magic wand?
If you feel comfortable saying this, tell your mother that you just can't accept any responsibility for caring for him under the circumstances and that you feel he needs professional help.
If you make suggestions on alternative living arrangements, either your mother, father or brother could then verbally attack you for being an uncooperative daughter. If that happens, walk out, hang up the phone and stay away.
You do have to protect yourself against what has become a very bad situation.
It also wouldn't work. Self neglect, giving up on his normal habits, apathy and indifference: these are all pretty major symptoms that want reporting to his doctor. At 79 he is a candidate for a number of conditions that could be contributing to his declining mental state, and I'm not even going to have a go at guessing. What your mother, brother, you and any other family members you can get on board need to do is present a united front and get him to a geriatrician for a thorough overhaul. Everybody is suffering, nobody is to blame - what have you got to lose by trying?
I expect he'll refuse to go, right? At that point you call the geriatrician yourself and explain the family's concerns. The geriatrician will then be able to advise you on possible ways forward, and you can take it from there.
But don't get sucked in to trying to solve this yourself. You can't.
Best of luck, please keep us posted.
• Your mom has a demented, incontinent, uncooperative spouse, an adult son living with her as a child (I assume, since he's not participating in caring for your dad), and grandchildren she babysits 5 days a week. She is more than overwhelmed and sounds like she's about ready to throw in the towel. Keep in mind that often it's the caregiver who dies first in an elderly couple. It's just too much.
• You work full time, have a sibling who is not willing/able to partner with you in addressing your father's need for care and your mother's need for help.
Unless your dad was always inconsiderate of others and lacking in normal hygiene habits, he is almost certainly suffering from dementia. His care is too much for your mom, your brother will unlikely be willing to be pressed into service, and unless you're wealthy enough to quit your job, you are unavailable to step in.
Sit down with your mom and take a look at their finances. Can they afford assisted living? Whether she moves in with him or he moves alone, it would be pretty much solve all their problems. Dad is unlikely willing to go, but if they can afford it and you and mom are on board, "it's all over but the shouting." If they can't afford it, then it's time to consider a home health aide to at least take away some of the burden for care. Usually there are county programs that fund home care for seniors.
Also, get mom and dad to an elder care attorney. If dad is in good physical health and is already requiring pretty extensive care, there's a good possibility that he'll need a nursing him at some point and your mom will need to be protected if they don't have enough money for private pay and your dad needs Medicaid.
Anksana
As a parent, you also have a responsibility to your children. Sounds like it is time to find different after-school care for them. Your mother might balk at this (as I am sure you will, too), saying she enjoys them, etc. Yet your children can visit with both of them numerous times during the week ... and perhaps help, thus learning a valuable lesson in the process.
I saw this same situation play out with my mother in law and her own mother who came to live with her as she became more frail. My MIL was watching 4 granddaughters (none of them my children) before and after school. The stress of taking care of those girls and her own mother became too much for her and she d*mn near had a nervous breakdown. She ended up putting her mother in a nursing home, continuing the care of her granddaughters. To this day, 10 years late, she regrets that decision. She says now she wishes she had told her daughters to find elsewhere care for their daughters so that she could focus on what needed to be done for her mother. She felt torn and totally stressed.
Just be VERY careful. Interview as many as you can to get the right one. Check references thoroughly. No stone left unturned.
I agree with others that this needs to change. She's already under enough stress without being a child sitter as well.
And it wouldn't be appropriate to deny care for your father and help out your mother if you still expect herto babysit for your kids. No wonder she's at her wit's end.
And don't blame your mum for being mean to him. I'm surprised she hasn't turned in to Cruella de Vil by now (though it has still Got To Stop).
As for shutting the bathroom door, oh gosh, my parents have been doing that for as long as I can remember, probably since I had left home 40 years ago. It's just a bad habit.
Maybe your Dad is acting out because he feels that no one is listening to him. Maybe it is time to say "hey Dad, what do YOU want to do?".
What can you do?
1. Encourage (perhaps arrange) a thorough physical for Father. If he is referred to a specialist, see that he goes.
2. Help Mother accept the reality of your dad's condition - once you know what it is.
3. Make a different after-school arrangement for your children.
4. I don't know what your brother's situation is. I don't think it is up to you to change it. But if you can help get him onboard with facing Dad's reality that would be a good help.
Get involved. He is your father, and your mother can't handle this anymore on her own. I DON'T mean take over his caregiving. Just help your family find options that offer some improvement. Support Mom without supporting her negative attitudes.
This is not easy for any of you. Get help. Start with Dad's doctor.
It is not fair to give up and pass the hit potato.
Make sure mom has LTC, it may not be too late for that.
Incontinence is a hard one, but they do have shields that go in the front of the underwear, so it is not a diaper per say or an old fashioned style old persons diaper set up, that had to be changed by anther person...so much for self-independence.
There is something amiss, he doesn't know what he is doing or his mind doesn't know what it is missing...it is part of a SW professional duty to help.
Senior abuse hotline also known as Catholic Charities here in Illinois made a mess of our predicament and basically forced us to have to go to court and it is still a mess...
This is an "if" scenario, if/when your father is next hospitalized...this is one way to get access to the hospital (professional) social workers (who are not disguised as wolves in sheep's clothing) who can help you (when your father is ready to be discharged) find/get alternative placements, one could be a rehab nursing unit...where let's say he could be evaluated... for several issues.
If you have children, I would not advise getting involved as a caregiver.
Takes any guilt off of you and Mom, but you might still have to deal with finding a new baby sitter
The undressing and hanging out thing really troubles me especially with children around. Perhaps the first order of business if for Mom to either quit babysitting or go to the children's home to do it rather than expose them to this unacceptable behavior from Dad.
You need to sit down with your parents and your brother and work out a 5-year plan with them.... and go over the *what ifs*.... I am trying to do that with my own parents, but its not easy as they think they will live forever.
Some of the *what ifs* would be.... what if your Mom is diagnosed with a serious illness [it happens as we age] plus stress can bring on a lot of ailments, then what would everyone do? Who would take care of your Father and your Brother? You?
What if your brother becomes ill, who will take care of him? What if your Dad would need 24/7 care, who will take care of him? What if your Dad lives another 20 years to be 99, would your Mom at 89 still be able to care for him? Or will you at whatever age you would be?
And you need to think of yourself, what if something happens to you where you couldn't care for your parents or your brother? We all think nothing serious would ever happen to us. I thought the same way until out of the blue I was diagnosed with cancer, and that turned my whole world upside down. Yet my parents still wanted me to shop for their groceries and drive them where ever they wanted to be.
My parents were married for 65 years when my dad died and they had their ups and downs. I tried to intervene a few times and finally came to understand that my parents each had their "scripts" that they'd worked out over years and years of practice. I couldn't change either of them, so just let them try to figure it out. It was frustrating for me at times because one (dad) would be so stubborn. But I could also see why he was, because whenever he tried to do what mom wanted him to do, she'd criticize him about how he did it. So he couldn't win. Once I saw the full dynamic, I backed off. Keep us posted on how it goes while mom is on vacation. And I agree that you raised great kids if they're willing to help their grandparents out!
Doing the research, and informing them, really then leaves the burden off of you, knowing you've made an effort.