Mom wants sympathy all the time. How to ignore when nothing is wrong?

Constant gloom and doom is very, very wearing. It takes you by surprise, actually. You think "oh well I'll just make sympathetic noises and let her have her whine" but it really can begin to give you a nervous twitch. From dawn - her first words of the day are often "colder today, isn't it" - to dusk - "sorry to be such a nuisance" - if there's something miserable to dwell on she'll find it.

And I'm afraid that all I can do is sympathise. I've tried irony, I've tried joviality, I've tried honey, I've tried vinegar, I've tried tearing my hair out… In the end, I don't know, what can we do except remember that if we think we've got problems how must they feel? I'm sorry, I know that's very limited consolation.

I totally sympathize with you, I've been taking care of my 91 y/o mother with Dementia for almost 3 horrid years. My siblings in mexico refuse to help so this terrible burden has fallen on my husband and my shoulders. You didn't mention how old is your mother, you didn't mention either if you have any siblings who can pitch in and help either. Does your mother has any illnesses, mental or otherwise? Can you hire someone who can come and help you or do you think your mother needs to go to a nursing home? I know first hand how terribly difficult is to have someone old and sick in your home, sometimes you just want to get out and run as fast as you can and as far as you can away from this, but obligation keeps you there. This drains you mentally, physically and also financially, it can suffocate you and give you feelings of resentment and despair. You must contact your family, brothers or sisters, her brothers or sisters, uncles, aunts, friends.....If at all possible, don't deal with this problem alone. If you are willing to keep taking care of your mother you need to take care of yourself first or else you wont have the mental and physical strength to continue with this task. Reach out to your family and hers, before it's to late.

Your mother is a pro at emotional blackmail which comes by FOG, i.e. Fear of making the person angry, feeling Obligated to keep doing what one is doing and Guilt for not ever doing enough or doing things perfect and God forbid ever thinking about having a life apart from them and their drama.

Your mother also sounds like she has a personality disorder like narcissistic who are very self-centered or borderline who are so emotionally unstable that they have no impulse control.

In the upper right hand corner of this page is a box that says Search Site. Type in narcissistic parent or borderline parent and you will find much from people who are in situations just like you.

What you have written does not sound ugly. It sounds painful and sad. I think seeing a therapist and possibly some meds would help your mental state. Please come back and let us know how you are doing. Love, prayers and hugs.

Hi- I agree with all the responses so far and want to add my support. You do not sound 'ugly' but you DO sound burned out. There are strategies to help yourself and one of the first is to ask for help, to get a break. If your mother is able to get herself up to the bathroom, she certainly could be left with someone for a couple of hours so you can get OUT and do something for yourself. It isn't a luxury, it's a necessity. Ask a retired neighbor to sit with her while you take a break, or ask someone from your church or family (if you have family nearby).
And I totally agree that finding a counselor, or clergy, or someone at the local senior center to talk to can help. You don't have to be a senior yourself to get help "with" a senior. You will find support, maybe even a group. Check local assisted living places for support groups, ask at the library, or look online.
The NEXT thing is to change your attitude (this is where therapy helps) to stop letting her push your buttons. (Personally I would not recommend that you get on medications without seeing what simple therapy can do for you first.) There are a number of ways to do this and you need to have more than one method of dealing with this behavior. One way is to let the person talk (their primary need) and don't try to argue with them or persuade them that they're being (unreasonable, ungrateful, negative, etc) and let them get it out of their system while you nod and say things like 'uh-huh' and 'you're right' and 'of course' etc. Don't say it with sarcasm, tell yourself it's like steam coming out of a boiling pot- you need to let it out but you don't need to get burned. Another strategy- and you will use this when you feel you're being 'attacked' is to interrupt the person and tell them "I'm sorry but I'm not going to listen to this" and walk out of the room. If they persist, go outside, upstairs, into your car, wherever you can truly get away and remind yourself that you are doing a wonderful job caring for someone who seems not to have the ability to recognize your help and show any appreciation. When you return (after you feel less upset and ready to walk back in) be prepared to do it again to prove your point. One more thing- remind yourself occasionally that they must be feeling helpless and fearful, then remind them of how they still have strengths (able to walk, toilet and feed herself, perhaps) and that they are not alone, since you are there. Distraction is helpful for them, and they might benefit from a clergy visit or social worker (some who specialize in elders come to the house). Also, if she can walk, maybe she can go to a senior day care program. Some elders balk at first but then many start to look forward to it and make friends with the staff and others. Worth checking out.

The answers to questions amaze me. So many smart, insightful and loving people answer these questions. I have been caring for my 92 year old mother by myself. No family close by to help.y friends at work and hers in stages of frailties. I am worn out. I agree with cmagnum. At this stage of my Mothers disease she can guilt me on different ways. Never believes that until
Lately. She does not do or say those those words to outsiders who stop by the house. She is the picture of polite. Around me, her 24/7 care giver, daughter and prior to this awful disease, best friend she is all over the board with behaviors and emotion. I attributed it to felling safe with me while her mind is scaring her to death. Hard to distance from the emotional impact. I suggest counseling if you can get away. My next step. After going on 3 years I ended up in the hospital for 5 days. Gastroenteritis, sepsis. Kept Mom healthy as a racehorse was making me sick. No one can do this year after year 24/7. Find a group to share stories and info with....as I write that I realize it sounds good. But, often close to possible. This town has groups in name only. No one attends. I went to a meeting run by an agency and was the only person there. Did borrow a book to read. Get help.

Absolutely hard and depressing on a person. It is the same with my 82 year old uncle, even if everything is ok he finds something negative to dwell on and complain about. What I do is just wake up each day and try to give him something positive to be thankful for sometimes it helps sometimes not all we can do us try.

Why not give her sympathy. Agree with her. It sucks being old, with nothing but death to look forward to. This way the burden is on old age, not you. Not your job to fix it, even if if you could. You dread mornings because you feel helpess and hopeless at not being able to fix the complaints. Free yourself of the burden, you can't cure old age. Relax and enjoy your Mom. This advice is courtesy of my shrink. i highly recommend seeing one.

We all have felt that way to varying degrees at different times. The way I handle it is to tell myself that living with and caring for my bedridden 90 year old Dad and mobile but needy 90 year old mother, is my job. Just my job. Do it,get it done, and get out of the house for my own life. When I started rebuilding an outside life of my own, there was very little I enjoyed or wanted to do, but I have invented things to do and I really do enjoy them. When my Dad has his routine nap I take my cell phone, promise my Mom that I will answer if she needs me, and I go to the library and read my favorite magazines and newspapers. I go meet a girlfriend and take a walk. I walk through the grocery stores and remember when I shopped for my family when my children were young. Sometimes I just go into a parking lot and call a friend and just chat. I tell myself this is my life and I enjoy it. Sometimes I can afford a caregiver and the outings are longer and more carefree.

I go into my room with my favorite hot beverage shut the door and look on the internet for whatever I am interested in. When my parents get too difficult, I remind myself that I raised children who were young and soiled their diapers and threw their food on the floor, and we got through it.

I remind myself that no one lives to be 150 years old and that this too shall pass.

Go out into the sunshine, take deep breaths, and find something to do that you enjoy OUTSIDE of the caregiver role.

Sounds like there is a need for more socialization. Is there adult day care or a senior center nearby? I remember when my grammar lived with us back in the 360s she would complain to my mom sometimes that she had no one to talk to. My mother took great offence at this of course, as if she wasn't good enough company. I think there may be no win in this situation unless you can get the elder out to socialize with others somehow.

Rephrase questions that can to "complaining" answers. Think of a few conversations you'll potentially have and prep, like you would for a job interview, so that the comments you make are automatic. Remind your elder what they have to be thankful for. Good luck. It was a rough day yesterday and I am dreading what I may hear this morning. It's difficult, I know.

I feel for you, I'm in a similar position, my dad is doom and gloom and refuses to admit he is 84 and it wears on you. Like everyone says you have to have time for yourself, it will ease your mind. I do a few walks a day with a iPod of my favorite music. But the hardest part is knowing you have to go back. My dad is very anti-social, but if you can get her to socialize with others her age that will also help relieve you for a moment. Good luck and you came to the right place for support and advice.

I'D want to make sure that all of these folks have been screened for depression. I do not believe that depression is an inevitable part of old age and I strongly believe that having mental health checkups is just as important as going to the doctor or dentist.

My dad takes meds for depression, really doesn't do much if you ask me. He has always been a depressing person as long as i can remember. Had a hard life, his brother told me there mom died when he was 6 and at the funeral he was a mess. Even worse, when the germans invaded a bomb blew up his mothers grave. Sad stories that he never for gets I'm sure.

Going thru this right now as well. I feel like asking her if she wants any cheese with the whine. My other moved in with us 2 weeks ago, and I have someone with her for 5-6 hours a day 6 days a week so I can get the heck out of here. Plus 2 eveings a week so my husband and I can have some alone time. However, the other 18 hours, I am on duty so to speak. I thought those relief hours would be enough for me, but I am finding the constant whining and looking for sympathy is draining. Definitely testing the limits of my patience. Didn't consider until reading some of these responses that I should consider a therapist for coping strategies. Thanks! Now, Chickengranny, I know my response didn't help you. But I do want you to know I share your frustration.

My mother does some of the things yours does. I used to ask her how she was in the morning and got a bad report that was like throwing a soggy blanket on my day. So now I say things like, "Beautiful morning, isn't it?" This isn't to make her feel better, but to get a response that I don't mind hearing first thing in the morning.

Very often she'll tell me that I don't understand how she hurts. She wishes I could be old so I would understand. I tell her that I'll be there soon enough, God willing.

I do feel sympathy and empathy with my mother. The trouble is that she feels so sorry for herself that it totally overrides anything I feel. It is a harsh statement, I know, but it is true. Some elders take their age as part of life. They still enjoy their kids, grandkids, and friends. Other elders take age as something that should not have happened to them. I understand it, because getting old is no fun at all. Even when we understand, it isn't easy, because an elder who feels sorry for themselves wants to make sure someone else knows how bad it is. It can be bad being pulled into a pool of misery. We'll have our own pool, thank you, when we get older.

Really, I think much of the complaining is just communicating and is not really meant negatively. If one's whole day is spent dealing with pains and bathroom issues and a brain not working well anymore, it limits the experience to these things. It is hard to come up with something positive to say about how many times one wets one's pants. In my mother's case it helps to take her somewhere to be around people. She is very reluctant to go, and it is a bit of a pain, but she always feels better after it. Then she can say bad things about them, instead of herself or me.

My MOTHER moved in with us ... Is what I meant to write.

I think as the elder ages, friends, spouses and siblings pass away. There wondering why they are still here when all their social contacts have died. My father was not usually gloomy but that is not to say he didn't get down once in a while. Then he would state " I think the big has forgotten me." I would reassure him he did not and he has a plan for him. He has more time to run his race or life. He would smile but I knew he was feeling alone because his whole generation was disappearing.

Whatever you can do take her places (even in a wheelchair), meet any remaining friends or family gatherings will improve her feelings. I tried to keep my father on a routine and if I took him to the Home Depot (in a wheelchair) he would enjoy the rest of that day. Having been a construction worker, he loved to look at construction materials. He would examine new faucets, start planning to have one of our faucets replaced. He spoke to the plumbing sales man. He would tell me the good and bad parts of the faucet--his mind was going and he was back in worker mode and happy about it. He loved to read, so I would take him to Barnes and Noble or our library and he would check out the new biographies, non fiction titles on the Great Depression or WWII. I used to call it giving my dad "an airing", he was more content and upbeat after one of these trips. It reminded him (and me) we were not that isolated and we each had a life.

I know how difficult it is to pull these trips off. But family will never visit enough a homebound elder like my dad. They mean well but sitting with an elder will never be as stimulating to them as sitting on a bleacher watching their child, grandchild at a basketball or soccer game. They love to marvel at their so called accomplishments. But they miss the real joy of talking to an elder who is running the last laps of their game of life. They overspend time with their young people who will likely be around the next 60 years or so, while they neglect the elder who is living on borrowed time and will not be here much longer.

Good luck, this is a difficult time to be a caregiver, with every dad showing the joys of the Christmas season. The caregiver continues to have lots of work to do and limited time to rest ( trouble even getting time to Christmas shop), having to plan how to get free to go to church. Believe me I know the drill.
My father was always demanding that I get the Christmas tree up and decorated. He loved having the tree lit. I had him at the kitchen table stirring Christmas cookie dough. He tried to help and it helped his mood. Of course he ate lots of cookies with this tea.

Good luck.

Ah, once again, so much company - wonderful support in the form of unlimited empathy and sympathy, along with some encouragement and good suggestions/reminders. So important to know that we are not really alone in our journeys, though it surely feels that way so much of the time. Cyber support has its place and is right up there with every other kind - we need it all!

With regard to the negativity... we are constantly told to try to "redirect" with that (and with repetitive looping). But despite knowing that is supposed to be my tactic, I was never good at it and tended to just let it all eat away at me. Until I started noticing that my mom was actually quite masterful with that very thing herself. My frustration at HER "redirecting" every time she doesn't want to discuss or do something important is what finally made the light come on for me. Watching it in action taught me to start doing it as well when I have listened to all the whining and complaining I can sympathize with, or have had enough of my buttons being pushed, or need to break the looping.

Hang in there, chickengranny! Don't forget to breathe...

Your pain in this situation is caused by resisting what is. How your mother behaves really has nothing to do with you. It's all her. Resisting gravity would have the same outcome -- you'd be fighting an unmovable force and making yourself miserable in the process.

Your freedom from stress is under your own control and can be achieved by letting it be okay with you that she does or says whatever she does. And certainly, don't ask questions you know will provoke complaints. In fact, avoid any unnecessary talking.

Currently, you're giving all the power to her. Who's in charge here? With compassion toward your mother, let it be you who decides how you experience life. Take your mind off her and focus on something positive. You can do it.

Blessings for a peaceful outcome for all concerned.

Great advice from everyone. Thanks for sharing all of your helpful insights and experiences.

When my mom gets clingy and demanding I take her out for a drive, and sometimes lunch or supper. It breaks up the thought process and gets her to talk about something else.... pretty flowers in a neighbors yard, fall leaves, cute kids. We can find a few people to make fun of (as in "look... he thinks he is SO handsome wearing that hat, but his pants are halfway down his butt!")...
It gives us both a break and puts things in perspective a bit.

Although these are all good suggestions, it seems as though you both need support. Having someone to talk to who will not judge your thoughts and feelings is essential for validation and overall well being. For you, relationships with others such as friends and family and a support group for caregivers is essential. Relationships bring us comfort. Perhaps some hobby or outside interest could also help to bring satisfaction and joy for you. Just be sure it involves socialization so that you get a sense of balance.

For your mother, emotional support is essential beyond her interactions with you. Being her age and in this situation is not what either you or she dreamed life would be like. Regardless, she needs to be able to interact with her peers just like you need to do. They will be understanding, supportive and could provide ways to help her cope. Does she have any interests or hobbies that could be reintroduced? Again, those that help us to interact with others are essential to overall mental health.

Some services will come to your home to provide support if she is immobilized. Perhaps the office on the aging or your doctor can assist in finding the right resources for you.

Somewhat like a 2 yr old either pouting or throwing a temper /crying tantrum.

Let them (like you could really stop them. LOL) Just don't provide an audience.
Walk out of the room/house when they start. Just like a toddler - not much fun to whine, etc. when there is no audience.

OK to be sympathetic. Sorry you don't feel good . Then find something you need to do "right now"

I think it's mainly to get attention. You deserve a life, too. Just the fact that you are caring for them is more than most people are willing to do.

If medications for depression are used, therapy is still necessary. The medications only help to alleviate symptoms of depression, not the causes from distorted thoughts and/or feelings from traumatic experiences.

Wow, I must've been tired this morning when I wrote the first time. I meant in first sentence * Rephrase your questions so that you avoid getting "complaining-type" answers from your elder.*

My mother-in-law lived to be 98. EVERY day, she would get up and, using her walker, walk out to the kitchen table. She would sit down, sigh and address her son, "Paul, please kill me. I don't want to live anymore!" Of course, she did. She just didn't want anyone else to do anything but pay attention to anything but her! It got so bad if he went down to the cellar to put in a load of clothes, she would ask, "Where's Paul?" There's only so much horseshit a person can take. Her depression got us down. I have crushed discs in my back. Paul had a kidney transplant. Nothing we did ever made her happy. STOP LISTENING!!!!! I finally said, "On my way to eternity, I'm not going to listen to any more of your shit. You have a warm bed to sleep in, all of your clothes and bills are taken care of. Our cat is sitting in your lap. Your son is cooking you crepes exactly the way you like them. If you want to die, toddle down to the end of the driveway, lie in the street and let a garbage truck run over you. I DON'T CARE!" I repeated this every morning until she finally shut up. She would look at Paul and say, darkly, I want to tell you something but you don't care. I had so many problems of my own. The physical care of my mother-in-law was demanding and exhausting. I couldn't put up with her narcissistic depression on top of all that. I didn't complain to her about my problems and old age and selfishness on her part didn't entitle her to inflict hers on me. I had done enough. I'm glad she's dead!

Do you remember the Saturday Night Live skit, "Debbie Downer"? That's what I call my mother. She is negative all the time, complains constantly, & fails to see how well off she is compared to other 86 year old people.

I got to the point where I couldn't listen to it anymore. She won't stop complaining & I realized that I'm not going to change her----but I could change my reactions to it. Essentially, I ignore her. Nothing makes her happy, she's always in pain, she can't do the things she used to do, blah blah blah. She has ALWAYS been a negative Nelly, anyway. Her whole life, she was never positive or "up". She always saw the negative & bad in any situation, and if things were going well she came up with "well, what if" things to bring it all down.

As I got older, I vowed to NEVER BE LIKE THAT. There is truth in the saying "misery loves company". Whenever she talks to someone & they start telling her about their woes, she cuts them off & says "Well, what about me? I have this and that, my pain is so much worse than yours, my life is so much worse than yours, etc. etc. etc." Everything she has gone through is SO MUCH WORSE than anyone else. All she talks about is how one friend was in the hospital & somebody else died & another friend is in so much pain, etc. Nothing positive. Nothing.

I kind of just listen & walk away---no response, no acknowledgment. I can't deal with it.

this kinda sounds like my father, who is 90yrs old! he just wares me out with his mind games, victim, silent treatment, talks about all the kids behind their backs to one another. he is as stubborn as can be...he complains all the time that he can't do anything anymore...but doesn't let anyone help him!!?? when we go to doctor's office, if i try to help him...he screams out..."leave me alone!" he's just a cranky, miserable, person, most of the time. As a whole, we just don't talk to him unless I have to! Yup sounds harsh...but it sure makes me feel better!

While I hate that others have to go through the same crap we do it is somehow comforting to know that we are not alone. No one else we talk to about this stuff gets it. They look at us like we're crazy. How can we say this about this sweet little old lady. It took some time but she did show that side to an OT and a PT a few times.

We've heard all the advice and while it sounds logical it's not so easy for everyone to pull off in the heat of the moment on a daily basis. We have no family or friendly retired neighbors nearby to sit with her and can only afford someone two hours a week to shower her. That's when we clean her room. Our one luxury is not having to shower her. Leaving town together or evenings out are not in the cards. Like someone else said you still have to come back to it and that's all you can think about while you're out. That and what the change in routine will do to her. A lot of others are in the same boat with us.

Yes we are in charge but it's easier said than done to take her barbs and negative attitude all day and deal with it in a positive way. She refuses to listen to us and whatever happens we get blamed for. She told my husband she was not here to do what he says. She only moves a few steps with a walker every day but we have to direct her every movement or she'd be on the floor every time. She hates the directions but if we don't she asks why we didn't! Her answer to everything is "just wait till you get to be 96 years old". That's infuriating because neither of us will get to be 96 because of what we are dealing with now, nor do we want to.

There is nothing medically wrong with her. The only problem she has is that she's 96 and tired and has aches and pains. My husband and I both have multiple medical issues. None of that matters to her though. She tells us we don't give her enough sympathy and that her life is miserable and she wants to die blah blah blah. She could care less what we've given up to bring her here and care for her in our home. When she gets mad she just tells us to put her somewhere else. What do you say to that? She can't stand being in those places either. I usually just call her bluff and say ok as soon as we can arrange it and she stops talking about it.

There's no winning with her. No matter what you do there is a negative outcome. It's hard to do so much for someone when they are so unappreciative and mean in return. I know why she is that way but it still doesn't make it easy to live with day in and day out. I think if we all had a light at the end of the tunnel it would be easier to deal with this stuff. She could easily outlive us.

I also can't compare this to caring for my children because they were growing up and improving. It was a positive thing and my kids were and are grateful and appreciative of the things we do for them. Caring for my mother in law is the polar opposite. She gets worse and less able no matter what we do while we get blamed for it and no appreciation for the effort. I also want to mention that in my opinion changing your baby's diaper is nothing like changing the diaper of your 96 year old mother in law who is not incontinent but just finds it easier not to have to use the commode. If she were truly unable to do the things she won't do I'd have a little more sympathy. She just wakes up every day blaming us for her still being here and miserable.

If I were to give one bit of advice it would be to learn how to take short meditation breaks during the day to center yourself. I have a mindfulness app on my phone that tells me to stop and take deep breaths. I can't say it helps all the time but it can calm you down enough to deal with whatever is coming at you in that moment. Whenever you have to deal with them first take three deep breaths. I also find that the less I talk to her the better off we are. Unfortunately my husband hasn't mastered that skill yet. Sigh..... I'll stop whining now :-)

chickengranny: Can you get a few hours to yourself? Maybe that can help. Also, don't respond to her negative outbursts. Remain silent. I know that's hard to do. I just had the caregiving duty for half a year for my Mom out of state and it was no "walk in the park."