Mom wants sympathy all the time. How to ignore when nothing is wrong?

You know, I don't think I've ever seen a post with 15 helpful answer marks on it before. Its a good one. Yeah, give some tea and sympathy without her having to complain and be in Debbie Downer mode to get it, when you can. But only when you can. Match wits with her maybe - try complaining to her about how depressing it is to listen to some lady who complains all the time. She'll tell you you should stop listening and pay more attention to her instead, and then you tell her that the lady is her. Start calling her Debbie Downer. Well, that may be rotten advice, my mom did not really have the kind of sense of humor that would have worked on. But as much as you would lie to let it all roll off your back, being around it 24/7 does tend to eat away at the spirit.

I have the same story as beekeeper. My mother whines and tells people in her retirement home that she is in prison. She and her dog.
She doesn't talk of me taking her in, but asks me if I think a cousin of mine would "for her check". My cousin is 69 and I am 70 so neither of us feel able.
Mom has asked me if I will take her "when her money runs out". In a few years, I'm thinking, and she will, but I won't. I could not live with her!! She has dementia/ ALZ. Maybe she won't be as insistant then. but I have a husband and I feel I'm giving her all I can. Both physically and financially. There is always a long story behind our long stories, it seems.
I would never have thought I could be strong enough to not take her in.
(she will never forgive me, I'm sure.)
I need to make a note to call her dentist in the A.M. She's had a toothache for a week, but hasn't mentioned it but a couple times so I thought it went away. She has been known to let this type of thing go on for days before getting help. Even before the dementia. It seems like she does it for sympathy.
I SOO appreciate this site.

Hi Booschmoop, we all need to vent. I've just discovered this site and have been coming on and off all weekend. It's great. Yes, it can get 'worse' but think of it this way: if one thing gets 'worse' then something else is going to get easier. For example, my Mom's now bedridden and well into dementia, but she barely ever complains about anything because she's sleeping so much. Also, once she became totally incontinent, we went from Depends to the briefs/diapers, and we didn't have to try to haul her into the bathroom or help her get on the commode anymore (both much more strenuous than dealing with 'briefs' right on the bed). Plus, she used to complain if she got the same food 2 days in a row, now she doesn't remember what she had yesterday (or even the previous meal). She just eats whatever we give her (which is scaled down to her favorite soft/nutritious foods). So, things evolve, some stuff becoming tougher as other stuff eases up.

@Momcare8223 I guess I was venting a bit but she can be infuriating :-) We can put her on the bedside commode but she won't do anything unless she wants to. She's stubborn that way. She came back from a stay in rehab that way. She wore Depends before that but just in case she had an accident. Now she says "that's what they're for aren't they?" lol Respite around here is so expensive for someone who can't walk on their own and needs toilet help it's just not feasible for us right now. The senior activity center can't take her at all for the same reason. Oh well it is what it is. I keep telling my husband it could be worse and probably will be before long. I'm trying to remember to just do this one day at a time and not expect too much out of her.

You all are fantastic people! I know I will take all advice and see what I can come up with, my mother is. 79 she had a pace maker...heart doing great...diabetic...sugar on the money, she can do for her self to a certain level, but the guilt she is the master of the word, I am thinking I need to talk to someone and my heart goes out to each and everyone of you, I hate to say this but I am glad I am not in this boat alone, your invite helps me so much. Thanks very much

Hi Again- Wow, that last one from Booschmoop sounds like a doozy. Can you maybe ship her off to a respite stay somewhere? Also, the diaper thing- that's ridiculous, if she really isn't incontinent. Can't she go sit on a commode? And give her a reward for "going" on it (only half kidding). Whine 'here' any time.

Caregiving is like raising children - the hardest job in the world. Perhaps you are talented in many other ways, but caregiving is not suited to you. Get some help for your depression and try to get help with taking care of your mother.

chickengranny: Can you get a few hours to yourself? Maybe that can help. Also, don't respond to her negative outbursts. Remain silent. I know that's hard to do. I just had the caregiving duty for half a year for my Mom out of state and it was no "walk in the park."

I would say that rather than sympathy, empathy may be better. Sympathy involves becoming unhealthily enmeshed in a pity party and then could encourage your mom to try that much harder to get sympathy from you and put you on a guilt trip. It then becomes a vicious circle with you becoming more enmeshed in your mom's pity party and feeling guilty if you don't. Sympathy also implies that you know exactly what your mom is going through, which she's trying to hook you into by saying she wants you to suffer in the same way she is. Empathy, on the other hand, is an acknowledgment of someone's plight without saying that "I feel sorry for you and know what you're going through". Given that you're not your mom's age, you can't possibly know what she's experiencing in old age. So, you can acknowledge her feelings and the fact that she's likely grieving the loss of some of her independence and ability to do things that she used to be able to do and took for granted that she could do. I don't know the exact words you should use to acknowledge, but those words shouldn't communicate pity or even "I know what you're going through" since you really don't. Part of your acknowledgement is that you see your mom's difficulties (mobility, poor eyesight, or whatever) and wish that she didn't have to go through/experience/struggle with some of those things. And some of it is empowering her to make the most of the days remaining to her and to be responsible for her own happiness. The elderly tend to look backward at their lives and regret all of the things they didn't do or took for granted that they no longer can do. Encourage/empower your mom to look forward, rather than backward. She probably has a degree of depression and hopelessness, as well. So, as Babalou suggested, find either an adult day care program or some senior programs at your town's local senior center and encourage your mom to go. You may have to attend with her the first couple of times or having a home health aide accompany her. Once your mom starts participating in activities and meeting people, she may feel less isolated and less focused on herself and her ailments. Some adult day care programs may even have off-site outings for those who are somewhat mobile. I suggest checking into programs in your area.

chickengranny: Can you get a few hours to yourself? Maybe that can help. Also, don't respond to her negative outbursts. Remain silent. I know that's hard to do. I just had the caregiving duty for half a year for my Mom out of state and it was no "walk in the park."

While I hate that others have to go through the same crap we do it is somehow comforting to know that we are not alone. No one else we talk to about this stuff gets it. They look at us like we're crazy. How can we say this about this sweet little old lady. It took some time but she did show that side to an OT and a PT a few times.

We've heard all the advice and while it sounds logical it's not so easy for everyone to pull off in the heat of the moment on a daily basis. We have no family or friendly retired neighbors nearby to sit with her and can only afford someone two hours a week to shower her. That's when we clean her room. Our one luxury is not having to shower her. Leaving town together or evenings out are not in the cards. Like someone else said you still have to come back to it and that's all you can think about while you're out. That and what the change in routine will do to her. A lot of others are in the same boat with us.

Yes we are in charge but it's easier said than done to take her barbs and negative attitude all day and deal with it in a positive way. She refuses to listen to us and whatever happens we get blamed for. She told my husband she was not here to do what he says. She only moves a few steps with a walker every day but we have to direct her every movement or she'd be on the floor every time. She hates the directions but if we don't she asks why we didn't! Her answer to everything is "just wait till you get to be 96 years old". That's infuriating because neither of us will get to be 96 because of what we are dealing with now, nor do we want to.

There is nothing medically wrong with her. The only problem she has is that she's 96 and tired and has aches and pains. My husband and I both have multiple medical issues. None of that matters to her though. She tells us we don't give her enough sympathy and that her life is miserable and she wants to die blah blah blah. She could care less what we've given up to bring her here and care for her in our home. When she gets mad she just tells us to put her somewhere else. What do you say to that? She can't stand being in those places either. I usually just call her bluff and say ok as soon as we can arrange it and she stops talking about it.

There's no winning with her. No matter what you do there is a negative outcome. It's hard to do so much for someone when they are so unappreciative and mean in return. I know why she is that way but it still doesn't make it easy to live with day in and day out. I think if we all had a light at the end of the tunnel it would be easier to deal with this stuff. She could easily outlive us.

I also can't compare this to caring for my children because they were growing up and improving. It was a positive thing and my kids were and are grateful and appreciative of the things we do for them. Caring for my mother in law is the polar opposite. She gets worse and less able no matter what we do while we get blamed for it and no appreciation for the effort. I also want to mention that in my opinion changing your baby's diaper is nothing like changing the diaper of your 96 year old mother in law who is not incontinent but just finds it easier not to have to use the commode. If she were truly unable to do the things she won't do I'd have a little more sympathy. She just wakes up every day blaming us for her still being here and miserable.

If I were to give one bit of advice it would be to learn how to take short meditation breaks during the day to center yourself. I have a mindfulness app on my phone that tells me to stop and take deep breaths. I can't say it helps all the time but it can calm you down enough to deal with whatever is coming at you in that moment. Whenever you have to deal with them first take three deep breaths. I also find that the less I talk to her the better off we are. Unfortunately my husband hasn't mastered that skill yet. Sigh..... I'll stop whining now :-)

this kinda sounds like my father, who is 90yrs old! he just wares me out with his mind games, victim, silent treatment, talks about all the kids behind their backs to one another. he is as stubborn as can be...he complains all the time that he can't do anything anymore...but doesn't let anyone help him!!?? when we go to doctor's office, if i try to help him...he screams out..."leave me alone!" he's just a cranky, miserable, person, most of the time. As a whole, we just don't talk to him unless I have to! Yup sounds harsh...but it sure makes me feel better!

Do you remember the Saturday Night Live skit, "Debbie Downer"? That's what I call my mother. She is negative all the time, complains constantly, & fails to see how well off she is compared to other 86 year old people.

I got to the point where I couldn't listen to it anymore. She won't stop complaining & I realized that I'm not going to change her----but I could change my reactions to it. Essentially, I ignore her. Nothing makes her happy, she's always in pain, she can't do the things she used to do, blah blah blah. She has ALWAYS been a negative Nelly, anyway. Her whole life, she was never positive or "up". She always saw the negative & bad in any situation, and if things were going well she came up with "well, what if" things to bring it all down.

As I got older, I vowed to NEVER BE LIKE THAT. There is truth in the saying "misery loves company". Whenever she talks to someone & they start telling her about their woes, she cuts them off & says "Well, what about me? I have this and that, my pain is so much worse than yours, my life is so much worse than yours, etc. etc. etc." Everything she has gone through is SO MUCH WORSE than anyone else. All she talks about is how one friend was in the hospital & somebody else died & another friend is in so much pain, etc. Nothing positive. Nothing.

I kind of just listen & walk away---no response, no acknowledgment. I can't deal with it.

My mother-in-law lived to be 98. EVERY day, she would get up and, using her walker, walk out to the kitchen table. She would sit down, sigh and address her son, "Paul, please kill me. I don't want to live anymore!" Of course, she did. She just didn't want anyone else to do anything but pay attention to anything but her! It got so bad if he went down to the cellar to put in a load of clothes, she would ask, "Where's Paul?" There's only so much horseshit a person can take. Her depression got us down. I have crushed discs in my back. Paul had a kidney transplant. Nothing we did ever made her happy. STOP LISTENING!!!!! I finally said, "On my way to eternity, I'm not going to listen to any more of your shit. You have a warm bed to sleep in, all of your clothes and bills are taken care of. Our cat is sitting in your lap. Your son is cooking you crepes exactly the way you like them. If you want to die, toddle down to the end of the driveway, lie in the street and let a garbage truck run over you. I DON'T CARE!" I repeated this every morning until she finally shut up. She would look at Paul and say, darkly, I want to tell you something but you don't care. I had so many problems of my own. The physical care of my mother-in-law was demanding and exhausting. I couldn't put up with her narcissistic depression on top of all that. I didn't complain to her about my problems and old age and selfishness on her part didn't entitle her to inflict hers on me. I had done enough. I'm glad she's dead!

Wow, I must've been tired this morning when I wrote the first time. I meant in first sentence * Rephrase your questions so that you avoid getting "complaining-type" answers from your elder.*

If medications for depression are used, therapy is still necessary. The medications only help to alleviate symptoms of depression, not the causes from distorted thoughts and/or feelings from traumatic experiences.

Somewhat like a 2 yr old either pouting or throwing a temper /crying tantrum.

Let them (like you could really stop them. LOL) Just don't provide an audience.
Walk out of the room/house when they start. Just like a toddler - not much fun to whine, etc. when there is no audience.

OK to be sympathetic. Sorry you don't feel good . Then find something you need to do "right now"

I think it's mainly to get attention. You deserve a life, too. Just the fact that you are caring for them is more than most people are willing to do.

Although these are all good suggestions, it seems as though you both need support. Having someone to talk to who will not judge your thoughts and feelings is essential for validation and overall well being. For you, relationships with others such as friends and family and a support group for caregivers is essential. Relationships bring us comfort. Perhaps some hobby or outside interest could also help to bring satisfaction and joy for you. Just be sure it involves socialization so that you get a sense of balance.

For your mother, emotional support is essential beyond her interactions with you. Being her age and in this situation is not what either you or she dreamed life would be like. Regardless, she needs to be able to interact with her peers just like you need to do. They will be understanding, supportive and could provide ways to help her cope. Does she have any interests or hobbies that could be reintroduced? Again, those that help us to interact with others are essential to overall mental health.

Some services will come to your home to provide support if she is immobilized. Perhaps the office on the aging or your doctor can assist in finding the right resources for you.

When my mom gets clingy and demanding I take her out for a drive, and sometimes lunch or supper. It breaks up the thought process and gets her to talk about something else.... pretty flowers in a neighbors yard, fall leaves, cute kids. We can find a few people to make fun of (as in "look... he thinks he is SO handsome wearing that hat, but his pants are halfway down his butt!")...
It gives us both a break and puts things in perspective a bit.

Great advice from everyone. Thanks for sharing all of your helpful insights and experiences.

Your pain in this situation is caused by resisting what is. How your mother behaves really has nothing to do with you. It's all her. Resisting gravity would have the same outcome -- you'd be fighting an unmovable force and making yourself miserable in the process.

Your freedom from stress is under your own control and can be achieved by letting it be okay with you that she does or says whatever she does. And certainly, don't ask questions you know will provoke complaints. In fact, avoid any unnecessary talking.

Currently, you're giving all the power to her. Who's in charge here? With compassion toward your mother, let it be you who decides how you experience life. Take your mind off her and focus on something positive. You can do it.

Blessings for a peaceful outcome for all concerned.

Ah, once again, so much company - wonderful support in the form of unlimited empathy and sympathy, along with some encouragement and good suggestions/reminders. So important to know that we are not really alone in our journeys, though it surely feels that way so much of the time. Cyber support has its place and is right up there with every other kind - we need it all!

With regard to the negativity... we are constantly told to try to "redirect" with that (and with repetitive looping). But despite knowing that is supposed to be my tactic, I was never good at it and tended to just let it all eat away at me. Until I started noticing that my mom was actually quite masterful with that very thing herself. My frustration at HER "redirecting" every time she doesn't want to discuss or do something important is what finally made the light come on for me. Watching it in action taught me to start doing it as well when I have listened to all the whining and complaining I can sympathize with, or have had enough of my buttons being pushed, or need to break the looping.

Hang in there, chickengranny! Don't forget to breathe...

I think as the elder ages, friends, spouses and siblings pass away. There wondering why they are still here when all their social contacts have died. My father was not usually gloomy but that is not to say he didn't get down once in a while. Then he would state " I think the big has forgotten me." I would reassure him he did not and he has a plan for him. He has more time to run his race or life. He would smile but I knew he was feeling alone because his whole generation was disappearing.

Whatever you can do take her places (even in a wheelchair), meet any remaining friends or family gatherings will improve her feelings. I tried to keep my father on a routine and if I took him to the Home Depot (in a wheelchair) he would enjoy the rest of that day. Having been a construction worker, he loved to look at construction materials. He would examine new faucets, start planning to have one of our faucets replaced. He spoke to the plumbing sales man. He would tell me the good and bad parts of the faucet--his mind was going and he was back in worker mode and happy about it. He loved to read, so I would take him to Barnes and Noble or our library and he would check out the new biographies, non fiction titles on the Great Depression or WWII. I used to call it giving my dad "an airing", he was more content and upbeat after one of these trips. It reminded him (and me) we were not that isolated and we each had a life.

I know how difficult it is to pull these trips off. But family will never visit enough a homebound elder like my dad. They mean well but sitting with an elder will never be as stimulating to them as sitting on a bleacher watching their child, grandchild at a basketball or soccer game. They love to marvel at their so called accomplishments. But they miss the real joy of talking to an elder who is running the last laps of their game of life. They overspend time with their young people who will likely be around the next 60 years or so, while they neglect the elder who is living on borrowed time and will not be here much longer.

Good luck, this is a difficult time to be a caregiver, with every dad showing the joys of the Christmas season. The caregiver continues to have lots of work to do and limited time to rest ( trouble even getting time to Christmas shop), having to plan how to get free to go to church. Believe me I know the drill.
My father was always demanding that I get the Christmas tree up and decorated. He loved having the tree lit. I had him at the kitchen table stirring Christmas cookie dough. He tried to help and it helped his mood. Of course he ate lots of cookies with this tea.

Good luck.

My MOTHER moved in with us ... Is what I meant to write.

My mother does some of the things yours does. I used to ask her how she was in the morning and got a bad report that was like throwing a soggy blanket on my day. So now I say things like, "Beautiful morning, isn't it?" This isn't to make her feel better, but to get a response that I don't mind hearing first thing in the morning.

Very often she'll tell me that I don't understand how she hurts. She wishes I could be old so I would understand. I tell her that I'll be there soon enough, God willing.

I do feel sympathy and empathy with my mother. The trouble is that she feels so sorry for herself that it totally overrides anything I feel. It is a harsh statement, I know, but it is true. Some elders take their age as part of life. They still enjoy their kids, grandkids, and friends. Other elders take age as something that should not have happened to them. I understand it, because getting old is no fun at all. Even when we understand, it isn't easy, because an elder who feels sorry for themselves wants to make sure someone else knows how bad it is. It can be bad being pulled into a pool of misery. We'll have our own pool, thank you, when we get older.

Really, I think much of the complaining is just communicating and is not really meant negatively. If one's whole day is spent dealing with pains and bathroom issues and a brain not working well anymore, it limits the experience to these things. It is hard to come up with something positive to say about how many times one wets one's pants. In my mother's case it helps to take her somewhere to be around people. She is very reluctant to go, and it is a bit of a pain, but she always feels better after it. Then she can say bad things about them, instead of herself or me.

Going thru this right now as well. I feel like asking her if she wants any cheese with the whine. My other moved in with us 2 weeks ago, and I have someone with her for 5-6 hours a day 6 days a week so I can get the heck out of here. Plus 2 eveings a week so my husband and I can have some alone time. However, the other 18 hours, I am on duty so to speak. I thought those relief hours would be enough for me, but I am finding the constant whining and looking for sympathy is draining. Definitely testing the limits of my patience. Didn't consider until reading some of these responses that I should consider a therapist for coping strategies. Thanks! Now, Chickengranny, I know my response didn't help you. But I do want you to know I share your frustration.

My dad takes meds for depression, really doesn't do much if you ask me. He has always been a depressing person as long as i can remember. Had a hard life, his brother told me there mom died when he was 6 and at the funeral he was a mess. Even worse, when the germans invaded a bomb blew up his mothers grave. Sad stories that he never for gets I'm sure.

I'D want to make sure that all of these folks have been screened for depression. I do not believe that depression is an inevitable part of old age and I strongly believe that having mental health checkups is just as important as going to the doctor or dentist.

I feel for you, I'm in a similar position, my dad is doom and gloom and refuses to admit he is 84 and it wears on you. Like everyone says you have to have time for yourself, it will ease your mind. I do a few walks a day with a iPod of my favorite music. But the hardest part is knowing you have to go back. My dad is very anti-social, but if you can get her to socialize with others her age that will also help relieve you for a moment. Good luck and you came to the right place for support and advice.

Rephrase questions that can to "complaining" answers. Think of a few conversations you'll potentially have and prep, like you would for a job interview, so that the comments you make are automatic. Remind your elder what they have to be thankful for. Good luck. It was a rough day yesterday and I am dreading what I may hear this morning. It's difficult, I know.