What to do about Mom who fakes strokes?

Thank you all for your responses, support and advice.

There has been new upheaval here. and now what I suspect is the "calm before the storm"

I have been planning a BBQ tomorrow for Labor day for a few weeks that my parents are aware of. Yesterday while I was over there mom asked what time my son and his family would be here because she "is still light headed and wobbly and wanted me to have already setted before they arrive."

I told her I didn't think they should come over with her still not feeling steady, and with a smile she said " you are right, I wouldn't want to relapse, they can come here and pay their respects."

I said, no I don't think that is a good idea either, I will just let everyone know you have had a bad week and need your rest.

Instant anger!!

You can not stop me from having visitors! she snapped, I said no, but most will respect that someone has been ill and leave them alone so they can rest.

We will just show up uninvited then dad says, I said ok, but know that if mom has an "episode" I will call 911. He reminds me that "she is his wife and he won't allow me to call if he doesn't think it's necessary" I reminded HIM that it is my property and I not only have the right-but the obligation to ensure the health and wellbeing of my guests.

Angry to the point of being red in the face dad said "you will pay for the ambulance - not me!" I said " by knowing the insurance won't pay for a non emergency- you are admitting there would be nothing wrong mom first of all, and second it is not the person that calls 911 who pays for a non emergency- it is the one who rides in the ambulance, so you will pay that bill OR you will explain why you will not allow her to be taken to the hospital when she clearly appears to be having a stroke, you should keep in mind there will 2 dozen or so people at my house who will back me up that 911 should have been called before you make that decision"

I was then told to leave their house as I am an ungrateful (fill in a list of curse words) daughter.

I went home just shaking!! I am amazed at myself at hard is to stand up to my parents, but very proud that I did it.

I went over this morning and was met at the door by mom who acted like yesterday never happened, sweet and loving, up and around with no "symptoms" and didn't ask me to do anything for her or around the house. On my leaving she asked what time they should come over tomorrow and I repeated I didn't think it was a good idea and I'd call 911 if she had an episode - her response with a big smile was "oh don't worry about any of that, I feel fine! love you- see you tomorrow"

So we will see what happens tomorrow.

Prepare for an Academy Award Performance! You deserve a break!

Dorthy, you're doing what I used to do and recognized eventually that it only fueled the fire, especially with someone who needs to manipulate and takes pleasure in putting someone on the spot enough to upset their emotional equilibrium.

Now I just agree; the issue dies a quiet death.

If you agree with your mother and just say "yes, that's a good idea," that instantly negates her reason to be dominant. She'll find another issue to provoke, but just say the same thing and go on with whatever you're doing.

The issue of paying for the ambulance is a legitimate one but also one which provokes anger. Make your own plans and decisions but keep them to yourself.

I do understand the need to bring reality and rationality into the conversation of the moment, but as elders decline, that rationality isn't always available to be introduced into the conversation.

Go with the flow and see how things work out.

Dorthy Well Done You!!!!
Stick to your guns, you've made a great start.
I agree that there comes a time with elders/dementia when there's no point in reminding them of the reality the rest of us live.
Clearly your's aren't there yet though.
I don't know you, but for what it's worth I'm so proud of you. If I wasn't confined to a wheelchair I'd be turning cartwheels in your honour :~)

Thank you LucyCW, I appreciate that... now that I've taken a stand I can't back down.

GardenArtist, I have tried the "just go along" the last 8 months they have lived next door, fed her, bathed her, dressed her taking her to the bathroom- wiped her and all it has done is encourage mom to fake more frequent strokes to get her way and get attention....she needs to go back to a psychiatrist, or she needs medication or both. Dad needs to make her get the help she needs and stop enabling her and trying to force me to enable her as well. I will be looking for a therapist tomorrow for myself, I need to learn to break the "I must obey my parents" thing I have going on or I don't think I will have the will to stand up to them for the long run. As well as the resentment I am starting to feel towards both of them... it just really irritates me that there are so many who REALLY do need help, who really have had strokes, and instead of enjoying the good health they have for their age, and enjoying their later years, mom is crying wolf all the time and dads life, time and energy is wasted literally wiping her behind! It has begun to anger me.. I need help from a therapist dealing with that.

Mincemeat, oh yes, I am expecting mom has something "big" planned to punish me and put me back into my place after I laid down the law Saturday, either today or later this week, and I am nervous, I admit it

I guess I must be naive or something, but who would know how to "fake" a stroke? I guess I know why they would want to (for attention), but I think faking a stroke would be very difficult. Doesn't it leave you with possible long-lasting side effects such as slurred speech, maybe a little one-sided paralysis, etc. depending on the severity of the stroke? I don't mean to sound bad, just not sure if it's possible to "fake" a stroke.

Verbal battles rarely work with people who have mental issues. There is something going on with her and if the way you have been handling it doesn't work, then I wouldn't keep repeating it.

I think that seeing a therapist yourself is an excellent idea.Maybe they can help with helping you set some boundaries. I wish you luck.

It has been an interesting two day's. The BBQ was uneventful as far as mom's "health". She was funny and engaging with no problems at all walking, talking, feeding herself. A complete "recovery"

Until about 3 this morning when dad called and said "you were right, the party was too much for mom apparently, she got out of bed to go to the bathroom, and I can't get her back to bed, can you come help?" I asked what does that mean you can't get her back to bed? She's laying on the floor and I can't get her up to get her to bed he says. I asked if she fell, he said "no she just sort of slid down the wall and now I can't get her back to bed"

So I went over, with my phone on video and there she was on her side laying on the floor, I knelt next to her asked if she could hear me and she just mumbled . I told dad to call an ambulance, he said no we just needed to get her to bed, all the excitement of the day was to much for her and in a few days she would be fine.

I walked over picked up their phone and called 911. Dad began yelling for me to hang up as I was trying to get outside and onto the front porch telling dad she needs an ambulance over and over and trying to telling the operator the address and that my mom looks as if she has had a stroke. Once I made it outside dad slammed the door just furious!!

The ambulance and the police came, dad AND mom met them door (mom acting as if she were very sleepy) insisting that she was fine, that I was over reacting, that she had a "slight dizzy spell and dad called me to help "steady her" to get her back to bed.

I handed one of the EMT's my phone and said "I don't know how much recorded, but watch this."

I informed them that mom fakes these "strokes" often, she needs help.The EMTs told dad that even though she appears to be fine at the moment, based on the video I was right to call them and she needed to be evaluated if for nothing else a possible drug overdose the police agreed and mom was taken for observation.

The police talked to dad, but I couldn't hear what was said.

I went to the hospital but dad wouldn't let anyone tell me anything, even what room she was in.

I reached my attorney this morning, with my permission he told her Dr's and the police of my concerns and our conversation last week, the police said there really wasn't much that could be done, at most they could follow up on calls to my parents address and when the report is that it is another non emergency, charge them with her actions resulting in nuisance calls.

Her Dr told my attorney "while he can't discuss individual cases, he could say that it is difficult to force a psychiatric evaluation -if they can't find anything medically wrong, if all the test come back normal, if they want to leave the hospital they have to be released."

I saw them come home, mom is walking fine, and I can tell by dads body language, he is still furious!!

So.. there was nothing wrong .. again.!!

But at least THIS time I did something to prevent mom from dragging out this "recovery" for the next week.

I called my friend who has the little place at the beach where I was going to take mom later this month and she is going to let me drive down tomorrow and she said I can stay as long as I like. I have already turned off my phone, so if there is another "performance" in the early hours - dad will have to come to my house and ring my doorbell this time.. and if he does,I will stay right here and call 911 .. I'm not even going over there.

Thank you all for the advice and support, I wouldn't have had the guts to stand up to my parents without your help.

CentralMassach1, I don't take what you say as"sounding bad" at all, it's a valid question, I don't know how to explain it except to say- actors pretend to have all sorts of ailments including strokes/mini strokes, I don't know how they do it either, but they do - and so does my mom

Dorothy; I think you've done the right thing. You've informed the authorities and your lawyer of what you think is going on. You're absenting yourself from the situation. I think perhaps you should consider how to make that "lack of availability" of yours a little more permanent. After all, you are not responsible for your mother's health (mental or otherwise) or her actions. If dad calls, you can say no. You can block their calls. You can (and I think I would) move away. They seem to be trying to draw you into their unhealthy dance; you need to change the record.

The thing is, I wouldn't stick around at this party. You are giving both of them a target for their anger; by doing this, you remain the third leg of the triangle and keep the whole thing going. If you step back, it may collapse and your mom may get the help she needs. Collapse here is a good thing; sad to say, with a great many elders who wont' accept help, some BIG THING has to occur before real, enduring change happens.

Something I should mention, before I met my husband, his mother regularly "passed out" on the street, would be taken to the ER and they would find "nothing wrong". Family chalked it up to drama, mental illness, attention seeking. I took her to a neurologist. She had a seizure disorder. Has your mom ever had an EEG or an MRI or other imaging or electrical study of her brain?

EMTs are good at picking up critical stuff like stroke, Heart attack and drug overdose. they cannot pick up the stuff that is more subtle and ultimately less life threatening. It doesn't mean that it's not going on.

The dance that your family is engaged in seems mired in the idea that the "illness" has to stay within the family. This is actually quite common, at least in the old days, with seizure disorders, which were considered shameful. Is it at all possible that your mother HAS and KNOWS she has a seizure disorder but won't OWN it? Just some early morning musing. The idea might be to get off the ER/EMT/STROKE train and transfer to her being seen by a neurologist who will work her up for the SYMPTOMS that she presents with.

Safely arrived at the beach. What a relief to be away from the drama at home.

Babalou, apparently you could not be more right when you say that in the past illness should be kept in the family. I received an email from my parents this morning that my Attorney asked me to FWD to him saying - now that I have embarrassed and publicly humiliated them I am disowned and if I step onto their property they will have me arrested for trespassing.

My attorney says after speaking with the Dr.'s yesterday that (among other possible diagnoses) it is possible that dad has a form of munchausen by proxy where mom is concerned, more so than simply enabling her. I didn't know that was possible, was a "thing".

Yes, as I said before - mom has had every kind of test, MRI,CAT scans, tested for epilepsy, her meds, her vitamins, drug interaction between them, toxicology screening for environmental poisoning, allergies, the list goes on and on, and nothing- nothing ever explained her sudden inability to walk, speak properly, feed her herself, go to the bathroom - basically becoming a limp rag doll that would last for days or weeks at a time, (with the exception of her momentary "slips" when she wanted something and she would snap out of it just long enough to say or do what she wanted, then return to being completely limp) followed by her "recovery time" that would be at least a week, all the while warning that if she wasn't getting what she wanted she could "relapse"

I will stay away from their "dance", I see now that only psychiatric help will do either of them any good.. besides I have to stay away now,or I'll get arrested!! LOL ;o) WOW how things change in a day.

There actually may be something entirely as yet undiagnosed, such as syncopatic episodes. Sometimes the teaching hospitals can be more adept at probing for causes of these mysterious types of episodes after all else seems to have been exhausted..

However, since your parents have taken the action that they have, you have a legitimate legal if not common sense reason to stay away and move on with your life.

It sounds as if their reactions are really spontaneous and irrational, and certainly without thinking of short or long term repercussions.

It wouldn't surprise me though if you get another call asking for help, as I think that the next time an episode occurs and your father needs help getting your mother up off the floor but doesn't want to call EMS, he'll call you, thinking that you're like a puppet that can be jerked up and down when his need arises.

But remember a threat is a threat; that doesn't mean that a responding officer would consider that being on their property would rise to the level of arrest. And your parents don't have the legal authority to arrest anyone.

Still, I think that's a good signal and an excellent exit opportunity for you to move on with your own life. And don't renege or look back.

Dorthy, I couldn't be more admiring of the way you have handled all of this. Of *course* your father was furious! - you called your mother's bluff good and proper, undoing all his years of hard work enabling her. Anyway, no need to comment further - just to say the strain must have been enormous, so make sure you really relax and enjoy your break at the beach :)

Dear Dorothy; Oh my!

Stay strong and have a lovely break. Let us know how things go.

Again Dorthy, well done!!! :~)
Ok, as an aside & from what you've said I really don't believe your "M" has this, but for other people's awareness.
There is an illness/condition called NEA (Non Epileptic Attack). This "mimics" epilepsy symptoms/attacks. The difference being that on coming out of the "fit" the patient may well continue as though nothing had happened.
The person with this is not necessarily faking/pretending. I put it this way because sadly some manipulative folk would do just that.
However, I was diagnosed with this condition 3 months ago. I hate it, I'm feel stupid when it happens & it nearly lost me my driving license.
The fact is that it is a very real illness that I can not control, though when an "attack" is over I can continue a conversation as though there was no break. The Dr. doesn't know why it happens & at the moment for me no meds or cure. I do know it's worse if I'm overwhelmed by life.
Just to reiterate I don't believe Dorthy's Mum has this, and Munchausen by proxy is itself a nasty invidious illness. Stay safe Hun, enjoy the beach and on return make a You centred life. I for one would appreciate knowing how your getting on. Smiles from Lucy in UK