She woke up 2 days ago really angry. It took a few hours to figure out what was wrong. She claims a woman was living here that was nice at first then she uncovered a plot that we were going to leave her with the woman and leave. She is now very angry with my wife and I and continues to say she needs to find somewhere else to live. We were all happy and content before this happened. Just the three of us living here. No woman was ever here. She refuses to entertain the idea that this never happened. I was hoping this would pass because her short term memory is really bad but for some reason this dream has sunk in and she is not forgetting it at all.
I am like you where I don't want to indulge these fantastical things because it feels wrong. But sometimes being serious about it is enough.
If no UTI, you need to talk to her doctor about the fact that she's had a change in mental status--that she is having delusions.
Heck last week my husband was on a rant about wanting a divorce and that we needed to see a marriage couseler, and he couldn't go on like this. Yep. I played along a little with it, and then left the room. This week it's the "I don't know what I'd do without you" husband. He is officially in his own world now. A world that I get to visit, listen to and wonder how much he is suffering as dementia's cruel grip strips away the man I once knew. I hate the disease. But am so much better at dealing with the nuttiness, there's really nothing one can do about it, pushing back is like playing with a tar baby, may as well disengage and not stress over this.
Oneirophrenia in dementia: when the difference between dream and reality becomes clouded.
https://medcraveonline.com/SMDIJ/oneirophrenia-in-dementia-when-the-difference-between-dream-and-reality-becomes-clouded.html
You're not going to be able to convince your mother that what she had was a dream, so don't bother. You're best off going along with her delusions; that's what I've found. If she'd like to research Memory Care ALFs, have at it mother. Just keep reminding her you love her & are happy to have her living with you. Hopefully, this moment in time will pass and she'll forget all about it, or the memory will be replaced with a different one. If not, call the doctor and ask about a mild relaxant like Ativan or Xanax for her. My mother has advanced dementia and had become quite agitated over EVERYTHING recently. Ativan .25 mgs at 7 pm every evening has helped her (so far, anyway) tremendously. She's become quite pleasant to speak to, even, which is a huge change.
If you've noticed a foul odor with her urine, a frequency in urination, or something along those lines, then she can definitely have a UTI going on. If not, then she's just confusing dreams with reality, which my mother does quite regularly without any organic issues going on.
Wishing you the best of luck with THE worst disorder on earth to deal with.
By validating her feelings and acting like you're believing it, will only reinforce the delusion and make it more real to her.
Do not give any attention in this kind of situation. Re-orient the person back to reality only by telling them it's not true, they're being paranoid, or it's a dream. Then ignore them about it. It will die down.
Telling her that the bad woman ran away when mother saw her, and that mother should tell you if she thinks the bad woman is around again...then try to engage her in something she enjoys....and try to keep your voice and body language relaxed as you start another activity. Hopefully she will go along with whatever you are suggesting you do together, and the focus on the bad woman will eventually fade out.
When a demented wife calls the police at 3am, who gets told to leave the house? I lived that life.
The short answer for you is this-It Is Time. It is time to get her in a long term care facility. It took me a week and some chicanery to get her to go "voluntarily."
My friend your situation is difficult. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be until it becomes impossible.
As I tell everyone: Don't kill yourself keeping them alive.
And as others have said, check for UTI.
Whenever she starts bringing it up tell her it was a dream that isn't real and let that be the end of it. Do not discuss it further.
She will forget about it.
It might also be a good idea to ask her doctor to prescribe some anti-anxiety meds for her that can be given as needed.
1. Never argue, instead agree.
2. Never reason, instead divert.
3. Never shame, instead distract.
4. Never lecture, instead reassure.
5. Never say "remember", instead reminisce.
6. Never say "I told you", instead repeat/regroup.
7. Never day "you can't ", instead do what they can.
8. Never command/demand, instead ask/model.
9. Never condescend, instead encourage.
10. Never force, instead reinforce.
I realize this won't fit every occasion that arises but it has helped my husband and me to deal with things on a day to day basis. Just thought I would share.
I will pray that your mom comes to accept things as they are and not as they seem.
Example: Over months, a simple “I was woken by a sound at the door.” grew into how a woman in a brown sweater was trying to break down her door to rob her but then she left and walked past the shed, along the ravine then behind our house towards the woods and looped around the pond then she crossed the bridge, ducked under the fence and finally cut across the corn field where she walked into the house next door. (never mind how she could never see this without binoculars and X-ray vision)
We found it best to shut it down with a solid explanation that removes the scare. “She was very upset after a fight with her husband and came to your house to use your phone. They are now divorced and she lives in a nice house in Any Town with her best friend.” Repeat ad nauseam.
Alzheimer’s, dementia and other cognitive behaviors are best managed by an expert
Best wishes
best wishes to you and yours
I read something very similar and I’d like to share that with you.
The technique has two very important components:
1. It’s important to not flatly deny because as I’m sure you know by now, her reality is simply different from yours. So to her, as she continues to tell you, it did actually happen and denying her reality will not ever be helpful. Instead It will scare her.
2. Talk about the dream with her. And take the time to spell it out (while not demeaning her). For ex: “Let’s talk about this dream you had. Tell me, what did the woman look like? After she tells you. Tell her that together you and she can get to the bottom of this. “Mom, let’s look through these photos and you can tell me if you see her.” If she points to someone then make a fake call or ask a friend to help you. Tell the person: “My mom told us about your intentions and we want you to know we love our mother more than anyone in the world and she’ll be staying with us. You are not welcome here ever. Are we clear? Etc.” Word it in the syntax you and your mom speak. And make sure she’s with you and can understand. Then take her hands and tell her again (use her love language) how much she means to you both and then tell her “I’m so glad that’s settled aren’t you mom?” Try to stay away from open ended questions or this could go on.
3. You may have to repeat this — remember your patience and you must live in her world—to an extent.
4. If that doesn’t help after three or four times, I’m confident it will, but if not check with her doctor, sometimes new meds can bring on these kinds of dreams.
Wish you all the very best in this journey you’re all on together.
Bring out a photo album to see if the phantom woman is in the pictures? This will very likely create another delusion only with family members or people she knows in the pictures.
Maybe medication can help in many cases. Never validate the delusion unless giving it credit and validation will do no harm.
If a person is far gone with dementia sometimes little therapeutic white lies are okay. Like if someone close to them died. Why upset them when they won't remember anyway? Or telling the person in the nursing home that it's a hotel? This does no harm.
Going along with a paranoid delusion of a person with dementia who's still mobile and living in a private home, not a care facility, can be dangerous.
I really hope she doesn't wander away like a previous poster said she might. I once visited a house where they had locks on both sides of the door and my hostess had to unlock her door to get out of the house to go to work in the morning, I was told they locked themselves in so they won't sleepwalk into the outdoors at night. Maybe you could try this too.
One of my patients told me that someone knocked on the window in the middle of the night and this scared me enough to call the police. A supervisor came the next day and insisted that he imagined it even though she was not there. I have had patients with dementia or were is diagnosed mentally ill but I don't always assume that everything they tell me is a paranoid imagination. Very recently, a confused, elderly patient told me about some criminal activity going on in our neighborhood and I believed him and later on found out from social media and the news that this was true.
That 'they' (the people who were going to steal all her money (she didn't have much) and her home) that 'they' had convinced some indebted woman to pretend to me - 'they' had done a face transplant so the stranger would look like me, and 'they' had transferred all my memories into her brain via a special machine!! She even quizzed me - asking question from my/our past i.e., what was the name of my first pet; what was the address of the house we lived in by the lake; what was the name of my first bf; what was the name of my 2nd cousin....like 25 questions. And whenever I couldn't remember or answered incorrectly (because honestly, I have enough stuff to remember in everyday life) she would triumphantly shout - 'see - you ARE the imposter'.
This went on for over 2 weeks...she would tell all the nurses, the physical therapists, etc that I was an imposter. But an imposter who showed up was better than noone...
We tried everything - from asking HER questions about the past (she couldn't answer all of them) to diverting her attention to something else, taking her out of her room for a change of scenery.....but she held steadfast that I was an imposter.
A month later, when she was transitioning into hospice, she still was not 100% convinced that I was the real deal although she was like 60% that maybe I was. Even though I showed up every day, spending 8-12 hours a day with her, handling all of her life - house, insurances, doctors, etc. Bringing her all her favorite things to eat and nibble on....didn't matter. Once that delusion set in, it didn't go away.
It was very sad, frustrating, and emotionally difficult and challenging.