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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
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I don't know if she can will herself to die. But I'm thinking that if she's lost the desire to live, I'd call a Hospice provider to see if she's eligible. That might provide dome measure of comfort to her, if she realized that nothing will be done to prolong her life.
Your profile doesn't mention the dementia. Is that new?
During the first several months my husband had dementia he talked about dying, envying his brothers who had died too young to have experienced dementia, feeling cheated that he had to live with this disease, wishing he could end it, and even wanting me to help with that. And then it turned out his life wasn't over after all. We went on trips, concerts, out to dinner -- we continued our lives as best we could. He stopped talking about dying. He still did not want his life prolonged but he was not in a hurry to end it. He lived with the active symptoms of dementia for ten years.
It is possible that this is a phase of your mother's adjustment to her terrible diagnosis. It may pass. For now I'd say something like this: "You will die, Mom. Everyone does. When it is time I hope it is peacefully, in your sleep. But the timing is not under our control. If you don't want any measures taken to prolong your life I'll support you in that. Then we just have to accept what happens."
Don't brush it off or tell her she shouldn't feel that way. Acknowledge her feelings. If she has religious beliefs about hanging in there or about life after death, maybe she'd like to discuss them.
Also do everything you can to improve/maintain the quality of her life. No matter what her attitude is, she's not dead yet, and having things to do, to enjoy, to look forward to is the best she can do. An Adult Day Health Program helped my husband with this.
I'm pretty sure that a person who is not near death's door can will for death to arrive. My father tried pretty hard, and it didn't work for months. She is sad. If you are sad, too, you won't be able to cheer her up.
Consider getting a visitor or three into the house. Someone from church, or from hospice, or even a paid companion. I was always kind of sassy to my old ladies, and most of them liked it. Consider getting a pretty young girl (or boy) to bring life back. Take her to the dog park to watch and pet the doggies. Borrow a super-mellow cat to visit her. Or maybe she would prefer someone older that she can complain to.
My husband loves the Music Channel on the cable called "singers and swing." Find what she likes, maybe on the computer, like Pandora. Does she want hymns, Irish tunes, blues? It's all there.
Ask the doctor to put her on an antidepressant, but don't tell her that's what it is. Call it a pain pill or a brain pill.
The honest truth is that we can't stop someone from giving up on life. For some people, their past or present life was so bad that I can understand why they want to be dead. If she does manage to will herself to death it won't be your fault unless you have totally neglected her. We all partially "neglect" our loved one because there will always be more things we could try, but we are only human and have limits. Love her if you can, do what you can, and don't feel guilty.
Church mouse & others. First may I say Thankyou to all who responded to help. Mom is never alone 24/7. She has mobility problems and has had dementia for several years. She doesn't recognize people anymore. She thinks I work at her house. She seems to be caught and living in the 1930's with her mom & dad. She keeps saying that she has to go be with her mom & dad soon so she wishes herself to close her eyes and not wake up again. Dementia is such a nasty thing for everyone. She's losing her quality of life.
I don't know, but can you take any comfort from her seeming to think she has somewhere she has to go? I used to tell myself that if my mother wasn't in pain and wasn't afraid, anything else was all right. So if your mother believes she needs to get back to her parents and can get there in her sleep, that sounds like not such a terrible thing for her at least. Don't you think?
Your question was can she will it to happen. I'm not so sure about that, but I'd be relieved that she was anticipating it and not afraid of it.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
During the first several months my husband had dementia he talked about dying, envying his brothers who had died too young to have experienced dementia, feeling cheated that he had to live with this disease, wishing he could end it, and even wanting me to help with that. And then it turned out his life wasn't over after all. We went on trips, concerts, out to dinner -- we continued our lives as best we could. He stopped talking about dying. He still did not want his life prolonged but he was not in a hurry to end it. He lived with the active symptoms of dementia for ten years.
It is possible that this is a phase of your mother's adjustment to her terrible diagnosis. It may pass. For now I'd say something like this: "You will die, Mom. Everyone does. When it is time I hope it is peacefully, in your sleep. But the timing is not under our control. If you don't want any measures taken to prolong your life I'll support you in that. Then we just have to accept what happens."
Don't brush it off or tell her she shouldn't feel that way. Acknowledge her feelings. If she has religious beliefs about hanging in there or about life after death, maybe she'd like to discuss them.
Also do everything you can to improve/maintain the quality of her life. No matter what her attitude is, she's not dead yet, and having things to do, to enjoy, to look forward to is the best she can do. An Adult Day Health Program helped my husband with this.
I'm sure this is terribly hard for you. Hugs!
Consider getting a visitor or three into the house. Someone from church, or from hospice, or even a paid companion. I was always kind of sassy to my old ladies, and most of them liked it. Consider getting a pretty young girl (or boy) to bring life back. Take her to the dog park to watch and pet the doggies. Borrow a super-mellow cat to visit her. Or maybe she would prefer someone older that she can complain to.
My husband loves the Music Channel on the cable called "singers and swing." Find what she likes, maybe on the computer, like Pandora. Does she want hymns, Irish tunes, blues? It's all there.
Ask the doctor to put her on an antidepressant, but don't tell her that's what it is. Call it a pain pill or a brain pill.
The honest truth is that we can't stop someone from giving up on life. For some people, their past or present life was so bad that I can understand why they want to be dead. If she does manage to will herself to death it won't be your fault unless you have totally neglected her. We all partially "neglect" our loved one because there will always be more things we could try, but we are only human and have limits. Love her if you can, do what you can, and don't feel guilty.
I don't know, but can you take any comfort from her seeming to think she has somewhere she has to go? I used to tell myself that if my mother wasn't in pain and wasn't afraid, anything else was all right. So if your mother believes she needs to get back to her parents and can get there in her sleep, that sounds like not such a terrible thing for her at least. Don't you think?
Your question was can she will it to happen. I'm not so sure about that, but I'd be relieved that she was anticipating it and not afraid of it.