My mother lives in an assisted living facility 200 miles away. I go to visit her once a month. Since her condo sold, I have to make the trip down and back in one day. My mother gets upset when I am not able to attend all of the events at the assisted living facility. She calls to tell me about the other daughters who come to visit their mothers all the time. I try to explain that I don't live close by but she gets very upset and says well if that's all you care about me and hangs up the phone. She refuses to move closer to me because she says it is to cold where I live. I am an only child and have to travel by myself to visit her. I am the only one who goes to visit her. I feel very guilty about only visiting her once a month but I'm not a spring chicken.
When she hangs up on you in a snit, don't call back. Let her call you, and when she starts up on the "all the other daughters" again, tell her you've got to go -- someone's at the door, the sink is overflowing, you have an appointment, whatever. Lather, rinse, repeat. She'll eventually get the message,
It is not free to travel 400 miles once a month.
I have had the reverse experience with my younger daughter. Always strong willed she would call ask advice then argue and finally slam the phone down. I never called back and in a couple of weeks she would call again as if nothing had happened. So I absolutely agree with Sodonewithsal wait for her to call you and don't sit around feeling guilty.
If she moved closer it would not satisfy her and she would have you running round in circles all the time. Do you really want that every day?
"Mom, I understand that you would like me to attend more of the lovely events at your new community. I am so glad you like your new home, and enjoy going to the events I am able to attend. However, when you complain that I do not come often enough, it takes the pleasure out of visiting. Therefore, I suggest that you let me know which event on your monthly calendar you would most like me to attend. We can also do another activity or two so that my monthly visit is truly a special day that we will both enjoy."
Some facilities have a room where visitors can stay. Have you explored the option of an overnight visit so you can spend two days instead of one? That would be a nice compromise and a meaningful gesture.
If you do convince your mother to move closer to you, you can count on the fact that she will be even more needy and demanding. When your mother's condition declines (which it will), the demands on you will increase. I would wait until that stage is upon you before moving your mother closer. It might be a good idea to start exploring living options ahead of time so that you will be better-prepared when that time comes.
Barbara Matthews, author
What to Do about Mama?
http://bgmatthewsblog.wordpress.com
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