Mom's anxiety concerns have me feeling like a prisoner, what do I do?
Mom is afraid that if I so much as go to the store after dark (which is about the only place I go these days) that it's mortally dangerous. I really don't go out any more anyway, maybe twice a week I may leave during the day, usually to get groceries or just get out for a few minutes, but pretty much for four years my life has been here and isolated since moving here (I'm a freelancer who works from home also and that will continue for a number of reasons I won't detail here). I'm in my early fifties and feel like a prisoner. There is nothing that can be done on her end, she's resistant to any anti-anxiety, therapy, whatever, no one she knows who would come stay with her, etc, and she would bristle at that suggestion anyway. The answer to anything is always no. She's not to the point where she has to be watched all the time for safety reasons, just in general it's necessary to keep an eye on her. She's just very anxious and dependent and has gotten used to me being here. She does not go out and if she does, I drive her because she's not safe to drive on her own. I am trying to get her involved in outside activities but she is not that physically well and she is limited in energy. She's not going to do anything on her end, so the question is really how I should handle this on my end. Do I build a life, leave in the evenings sometimes, to get her used to it again? It's incredibly stressful for me to leave now because I know she's home stressing, which panics me as well because I know she doesn't fully understand that it's irrational. I feel terrible for abandoning someone to sit at home, scared. That seems cruel. She told me once she was not going to put on her nightgown until I got back (it was only about 8:30 pm) because she was scared someone might look in the windows with her here alone. (I suggested she close the living room blinds, which she refused to do). My attempts to explain rationally why going down the street to get a head of lettuce after dark isn't dangerous, and that many people leave the house after dark all the time, fall on deaf ears. (No I don't live in the inner city, rather in a small safe retirement town. You are more likely to get run over by a golf cart than anything else). This is kicking off an old anxiety disorder for me, that I thought was long gone. Tonight I went to the store at 8pm and started feeling scared to walk through the (packed) parking lot. I'm so isolated now that the outside world is starting to feel very large and imposing to me. I have forgotten what it's like to feel normal and to live a normal life. I am not interacting with normal people on a daily basis, other than the occasional client. I am one who tends more toward adventure than confinement and am really not myself anymore. I am also in the process of seeking out some counseling so hopefully that will help. I fear my mental health will only continue to go downhill in this situation, as will what's left of any life I could have. Moving is not financially an option right now. Neither is hiring additional help and she would not be open to that anyway, she would be highly insulted. The main question for the board is, what's the best way to approach this with mom? Leave her at night? Stay home so she's not scared? Thank you.
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I feel comfortable leaving the house a couple of hours at a time. That way if she were to fall, I would be back in a reasonable amount of time. She doesn't fall very often, but it is always in my mind as a possibility. My mother doesn't mind me leaving. In fact, I think she likes me to leave. She is totally dependent on me, but I don't think she likes me very much.
I was going to get some exercise three times a week, but I've gotten kind of bored with that routine. I'm finding myself pulling in and getting less sociable. I don't like this at all. I wonder if it is an unfortunate side effect of caregiving for too long. I know that my life will never be the same. Someone asked me what I was going to do when my mother was gone. I answered that I no longer had any idea because I'd be trying to get over all the trauma I've been through.
What I realized just recently is I have been in a bad mood since I began caregiving. I hope that I get in a better mood when it is over. My mother has been miserable and "actively dying" for about ten years now. I'm just hoping that I don't die the week before she finally goes to her final home.
Not too surprisingly, anxiety is "catching". I have had a long term battle with GAD, fighting it on my own and not wanting to put words to it for many years. I had some serious health problems when I turned 40 and that just sunk my boat. I could not longer outrun the anxiety and depression (they are almost always co-morbid).
At that time, I went on medication, into therapy and actually got a lot better for about 10 years. Then hubby was dxed with Primary Liver Cancer--the anxiety was a constant daily companion. He had a liver transplant and altho it was certainly no fun for anyone, he did survive and is doing well.
About a year ago, I had a personal issue that kind of rocked my world. In the course of trying to work out (in therapy) why I was such a jumpy mess--I dredged up long ago memories of severe child abuse at the hands of my older (now deceased) brother. Again--spiraling depression and anxiety. I am seeing a wonderful therapist and cannot say enough good about her.
Now--when I say anxiety is "catching"...my mom used to terrify the daylights out of us girls about being out late (rapists everywhere, when the joke on me was the worst abuser I knew LIVED with me), some guy with a gun, some horrible tale of a girl being kidnapped or whatever. Instead of teaching us to be tough, strong or even just basic common sense tactics, mother used fear to rule us all. My 2 sisters both have anxiety issues, one brother is also scared of the world--he has created his own safe haven in his home, he can work, but he has often stated he has NO desire to ever leave the city we live in. He is terrified.
Please get some help, for you, and if mother will accept it. There is legitimate anxiety...and there is "no reality" anxiety. My therapist says that 95% of what you fear will never happen. It just sucks you dry.
Don't get me wrong, this is hard work. I have to push myself to go places and I am frequently very uncomfortable in tight spaces or situations where I am going to be packed in a room (only being 5'2" doesn't help!!) ....sometimes I simply have to leave a place b/c I will have a panic attack.
Anxiety can become agoraphobia--and that's no fun. PLease deal with this--get a full physical and start from there. You can feel better. If mom wants to join the "fun" encourage her. But stand firm and don't let her terrorize you out of having a life.
I can't see your names as they are whited out against the background as well. It's not my settings and it happens on two different screens.
I"ll try to remember my password and sign in on Chrome. T
Yes I am concerned about it getting worse as well. It's getting pretty bad. I grew up this way and had largely overcome it. SHe's had this anxiety her whole life and I was raised around it. When I left home and reprogrammed my ways of thinking to more normal ones, it didn't go away completely but largely.
I should definitely have a talk with her. I'll have to decide on what those boundaries are I do work from home and it's a hassle to pack up and go somewhere else, like the coffee shop,and there really is nowhere else to work, that's convenient anyway. I wish I could afford an office. BUt in that case i would just get an apartment. And financially that's a bad (and impossible) decision right now. So the price of fixing this may be enduring some inconvenience. It has gotten to the point where it does kick up my anxiety now to leave.
Anyway, bottom line is I will need to decide on what those times will be and stick to the structure on my own end as well. It becomes very easy to fall into the routine of working in your room especially when the setup is most favorable there. This is partly to get me out of here, for my own sanity, but mostly to get her used to me being gone so I don't get so locked into this it's even harder to change later.
If I leave a few nights a week early evening, even to the coffee shop, that may help set a different pattern here. Maybe it just won't be comfortable for her at first and that's the way it is. What will I do when I get into a relationship and want to leave overnight? I would also like to visit friends out of town, but the panic of worrying about her being home and scared isn't worth it. Not to mention her constant anxieties about driving the car, even down the street, because it will wear it out,etc.
I don't want the rest of my life to be lived in this way. It needs to stop now. I don't realize how bad it's gotten until I leave and come up against it directly.
I don't know about where you live, but here in Minnesota, the hours of daylight are getting fewer and fewer. If I didn't go out after dark I'd be stuck at home by late afternoon. Talk about isolation!
Maybe you could try being a little more proactive about your mother's anxieties. "I've checked that the back door is locked, all the windows are shut and locked, I've drawn the drapes. I'll lock the front door as I leave. I'll be home in a couple of hours." You would be showing respect for her worries but not being restricted by them.
Would your mother ever go out with you after dark? If you went to a late-afternoon movie and it was dark when the movie was over, could that help her see that it is No Big Deal? Or would she go into a panic attack? I wish your mother could get some help. She must be miserable.
But you are the one we're concentrating on now. Please get some counseling. Keep in touch here. We'd love to hear about your progress and cheer you through setbacks.
I would love nothing more than to find a med that would return her to normalcy - problem is that she wasn't there to start with. These issues are as old as I can remember, along with some newer, serious health issues that drain her energy. She refuses all such suggestions that she get an updated evaluation for anxiety, saying the very small antidepressant she has taken for 30 years is just fine. She rarely goes out and refuses specifically to go to movies, activities, and so on. She says she is just fine being an "introvert" and all suggestions of any kind are met with flat refusal.
So this really comes down to my mental health and management of the situation. It's easy to get comfortable when you don't have to go out. So I've gotten used to it because it's the most convenient for my routine to just set up here. Problem is that the price of being comfortable and convenient it's creating an unhealthy situation in my mental health, and her dependence. That's clearer now after reading the replies on this thread. This area is just small and there really aren't many places to go like there might be in a larger city.
I will come up with a plan to get up and out initially a few days a week so that she gets more used to that. That was the original plan, but I just got used to a stay-at-home routine because it's where I'd rather be. (As long as I'm in the other room most of the time). I want to work from home, or spend time in the garden, or organize the shed - not force myself to sit in a noisy coffee shop being that person who orders a cup of tea and sits for hours at the table using the wifi, having to listen to loud people on their cellphones in the background. (No power to plug the laptop in at the park). The downside of that is that she gets used to having someone here 24-7. And I get quietly insane and out of touch with the outside world, without realizing it's happening. So it's clear what has to be done.
Well thanks for the feedback. I cannot emphasize how critical this board has been in finding tools to deal with these types of issues.
I found your posts quite intriguing. It sounds like you have a great deal of insight into your problems. I hope you can work them out. I was curious about something in your initial post above where you say that your mom isn't to the point that she has to be watched all the time for safety reasons....yet. Is there something about her that is unsafe? Is she immobile? Physically sick? Just curious.
Is this your house or hers?
As Midkid58, said above, anxiety is contagious. If you are predisposed to anxiety and obsessions, living in the house with someone else who does is a very challenging thing. I tend to have a little anxiety as well, but, fought to overcome it some years ago. I was successful, but, I have to watch it. I can't allow others to rub off on me. My mom is also VERY anxious about family members driving in cars, driving in rain, driving at night, driving in heavy traffic, etc. She can get very out of control. IT's disconcerting, but, what I have had to do is to tell her point blank that my life will not be disrupted by avoiding driving. You do it when you need to and that's that. She may not like it, but, she has no other choice. IT's the truth. My feeling has been that if my mom feels anxious enough about her fears of others driving, she will accept treatment. She's been diagnosed and prescribed medication for anxiety, but, refuses to take it. So, I don't nag her, but, I also will not tolerate her anxious behavior.
I think that your plans to see a counselor are excellent. They can help provide you with information and tools to help cope.
Have you ever read about agoraphobia? Your story reminded me of that and some stories I have seen on tv. It's a complex issue, but, can be treated, if that turns out to be the case.
I do wish you much success in your endeavors to be happy and at peace.
If you are an introvert, it is easy to fall into a comfortable pattern of staying in. It is easy to take the path of least resistant when that is basically what you want to do anyway. As an introvert with major depressive disorder I have to be aware of the difference between enjoying my own company and isolating myself. Isolation is not healthy. I try to set up situations to be with others I know. A movie date. Meeting for ice cream. Even helping a friend clean out her attic. But when that hasn't happened for a while, I go where there are at least other people. The grocery store. Target. The library. And I try to interact with some of those people. "Do you know how to tell when this fruit is ripe?" isn't exactly the same as having coffee with a friend, but at least it uses my vocal chords and reminds me I'm not really alone in the world. Sitting in the park alone is fine, too, but it isn't a substitute for at least minimal social interaction.
Twilightzone, you sound like a very perceptive and insightful person. I'm sure you'll get this in hand and protect your own mental health. Keep us informed on your journey!
The house is jointly owned, and yes I am aware of agoraphobia and want to make sure it doesn't show up here.
As for introvert/extrovert, I'm smack dab in the middle according to testing. The better my mental health is the more I get out, and the inverse is also true.
As for her anxiety, I have to say that leaving during the day is much less of an issue for her, the anxiety there usually is around fear of wearing out the car. And an insistence that going five miles down the street (yes that's literal) more than a few times a week is something "nobody" does and is unnecessary and excessive driving.
I am well aware that her thinking is distorted. The main issue around that is that the more I am around it, the more normal it seems, and then I have to remind myself that other people don't give a second thought to going to the grocery store after dark and that it is NOT normal. The danger here is becoming frog-boiled, normalizing this craziness simply because there's not enough alternative input. I need to get out and make some friends (my friends are several hours away, and the rest are in another state). I was much healthier when I was a few thousand miles away and participated in the normal world.
And for heaven's sakes, CLOSE THE CURTAINS when you leave, LOL. That was always my mom's big thing - close those drapes! As my mom aged into her 90s, she'd tell me not to go out in the rain to go see her (I didn't live with her). I'd just laugh and tell her it was only rain and I wouldn't melt. Her fears definitely increased as she got older, so I think for some folks, that's a natural progression, particularly if they're not going out themselves. They let their imaginations go wild with unfounded fears of what might happen.
And consider some counseling for yourself, just so you have an impartial party who can keep you centered on what's reasonable to expect as far as your activities. It sounds like you have a good handle on what is "normal", but with your mom's daily concerns, I imagine it's hard to keep that focus over time. And please keep us posted - we care!