Ever since I was young I knew that my father is abusive. He hurt my mom so bad that she had to tolerate her stress and her pain until she couldn't handle. She's on medications, basically sleeping pills and anxiety releasing pills.
We come from a conservative background where society is judgmental to a great extent. As I have grown up to be a young lady I am expected to find a partner and get married. The fact that I am still single is all what mom can think of. She's obsessive about this. She says that all she worries about day and night is me and why I can't seem to find a partner.
While I love my life, maintain relatively good social activities and work out quite often, mom's anxiety is getting to me. Whenever we argue about this, I need to take a sleeping pill so that I don't wake up with muscle crams and inability to concentrate at work the next day. My mom makes me feel guilty of enjoying my life instead of being in a search mode for a husband. She believes that I am wasting my time with going out with different boyfriends or staying up late with a bunch of friends partying. In her perspective, I should by now have a family and raising kids or bearing babies. This is in my pipeline but I am not in a rush. Things should come by normally and not being planned for. Now I end up suffering and worrying. I constantly have bade moods and feeling pressured. It's like ideas are stuck in my head. Plus, when it comes to finding a husband I am helpless. Basically I can't do anything about it. I try to relieve her stress but we are discussing this topic almost everyday. She reminds me of ppl I turned down in the past and blames me that I should've not given up such opportunities. Good ppl are not around the corner. As if I will not find a partner ever.
In 2 years I will turn 30, the age where it's hard to find a partner. If a woman is productive and empowered men will be afraid to approach her. What kind of sick mentality is that!!! Imagine that I have to hear these sick ideas everyday. If I stop her from carrying on with her demonstration of sick social taboos, she'll take it personal and stop talking to me. I wish I can move out of the house but this is also not common.
I am afraid to rush into marrying someone just to release the burden of this pressure and then regret it. It's a difficult situation I am in. Even if I go out and enjoy myself, when I come home this sense of guilt chases me. Her words just run and run in my mind..
It might not hurt to talk to a therapist so you can become more comfortable with your independence and enjoy your life. Happy, confident people attract other people. Please don't settle for the next man that comes along. Marriage should enhance your life, not be the experience your Mother had.
It's difficult for older parents to understand that tremendous choices we have, and sometimes it can be threatening if they anticipate that their adult children may accomplish more than they did. I think that's especially true in closed communities, where the added pressure of male dominated society, male rules, male governance, etc. apply.
That's not a criticism, just an observation.
But you need to be true to yourself, even if it challenges your mother's expectations. I would suggest pointing out to her the many accomplishments of famous women (Clinton, Yellon, Merkel and more) but I think that she probably was raised with the concept that a woman's duty is as you stated. It also suggests to me that's why she tolerated an abusive husband.
I think you won't be released from the pressure of matrimony until you do find another place to live, but of course your mother can call you and remind you even then. Still, at least it would be just phone calls and not nearly omnipresent pressure.
Start saving and start looking for a reasonably priced place to live. You might even try Section 8 subsidized housing just to get out of the house and away from the pressure.
Good luck!
Detach yourself from absorbing your mother's emotions.
What kind of job do you have? If you can financially afford to, move out of your mother's house, get an apartment and live on your own.
My wife was living on her own in an apartment and teaching at a college when I met her. I did not find her teaching college to be a threat. To be living on one's own is not uncommon where I live when someone is in their twenties or thirties and single. I was 31 and she was 33 when we got married.
It's true I find it a hypocrisy in society that's causing me this huge problem. Pressure is taken down through generations. The gap between my modernized mentality and the stone aged one just keeps on increasing!
I went to a psychiatrist, he didn't diagnose me with any mental disorder and referred me to a psychologist. The psychology only listens to me not more. The only advantage is that I let out my ideas. Else, the problem is as is. Plus it's costly. Insurance doesn't cover it.
It's still a tough decision but I am still considering it. Thanks again!
What you said about my mother typically describes her. She had to tolerate my abusive dad to avoid the shame of being called divorced. Regardless of how successful a woman may be, she's still criticized for not being married. As if all the other achievements do not count. I can infer this from the way she perceives women who are still single or even divorced.
These ideas are like the carvings on the wall. It's hard to negotiate. Plus it annoys her to disagree with her or even to highlight how I free from all these chains of society. What's adding to her mental state is that anxious people are constantly feeling guilty, worried and have low self-esteem. Since she's obsessed about me and my situation, her tendency to feel this guilt that she raised me badly, the constant worrying of me finding a partner and the low self-esteem that society is judging us is just adding fuel to the fire!
Like I mentioned earlier, the gap between my mentality and freed ideas and the mentality of my fellows just keeps on increasing as I am growing. It's like there's no commonality anymore. We do not speak the same language.
I am deeply convinced with this modernization but can't help but be annoyed of being reminded of my mother's expectations of me. Sadly, moving out is not doable in my society although it's the best solution. Not only does it release the pressure but also keeps the negative energy away.
Thanks for your time.