How do I handle being the black sheep of the family who now is mom caregiver and can do nothing right according to her?

First, put your mother aside. Detach. I don't mean abandon her or never help her again, but for heaven's sake, what is she doing in your home? If you don't have a life anymore, it is because you willingly gave it up. Take it back.

There is no one but you to take care of her -- really? There are no group homes, no assisted living facilities, no nursing homes? How is it your sister found someone to take care of herself?

You are doing what you chose to do. There is no law that you have to do this. No one is holding a gun to your head. You are already the black sheep. It is not like your reputation within the family depends on this.

If you don't want to do this, don't.

I completely understand what you are going through. When I was 5 years old, my father was working for the government and he died in an airplane crash. At the same time I became seriously sick with the whooping cough. My mother spent about the next 15 years as a single mother supporting her, my brother and me.
Even though mother favored my brother throughout all this time right through my adult years, what I remember is all the hard times that she suffered taking care of all of us. All my life I have lived with and have accepted that I am the "black sheep" of our family. My favored brother has not been here to help me take care of our mother during the last of her elder years. I must say that this is a mistake that both of them have made. What I am waiting to see, when the time comes, will my brother be here to help me when God decides to take mother.
The past 2 years I have been my mother's Care Giver. Her dementia seems to be getting worse through passing time. She doesn't want to live in AL or a Nursing Home. She is presently living in an apartment for senior community living. Unless she passes away hopefully in her sleep, I know the time will come that we will have to move her to AL or a Nursing Home. We all only have "one mother". It is very hard to (detach) not abandon oneself from our mother. It sounds to me that you are in a point in your life that you need to seek urgent help/care for your mother. I highly suggest that you do this before you become seriously ill. If you don't know where to start looking for help, please get in touch with Care Giving in your area. They may suggest that you need a Care Giver come to your home 2xs per week to give you some time to yourself. From what you have said -- it sounds like your mother needs to be moved to either IL, AL or Care Home. Since I don't know your financial situation, you may need to discuss this with them also. Does your mother have any VA benefits from your father? If it is at all possible, you need to obtain all the financial statements to any money that your mother may have. Tell them everything you are experiencing with your mother and that you need help. I know you feel like a "very lost and hurt sheep". Even though He is very busy, please pray for God's help and he will show you the way. My prayers and thoughts are with you as you go through this particular journey in your life.
As it is said, "This too shall pass". I hope I have helped you. Please know that you are loved.

Dear Kady0302, please know that you are not alone in this. So many of us are -- or feel like -- the black sheep of families wherein our siblings who do little or nothing are golden, and seem stuck with that demoralizing label in our families no matter what we do. And it's truly amazing how many black sheep end up as the caretakers of those very members of the family who are golden to one another.
I think both the answers you've received so far are excellent; and really, they are saying the same thing in different ways. Jeannegibbs is the soul of good sense who expresses herself directly, and EvaLynnPearl is also giving good advice and expressing herself empathetically, but they both are telling you that excellent, appropriate help is out there, and you can change your miserable circumstances by reaching out.
Never mind the golden sister, never mind the lifetime of blacksheepness. Do the responsible thing for your mother and, at the same time, for yourself, by involving professionals.
There's a whole world out there, including the world of this blessed website, that doesn't share your family's opinion of you. Although the internet makes us relatively anonymous, it can also free us to be recognized as who we really are by people uninfluenced by our family dynamics and our pasts. I respect and admire your efforts to take care of your mother, and I will respect and admire your efforts to improve your situation as soon as possible now that you know you've hit your limit.

Get a therapist. A good one, one who will listen, and teach you forgiveness. He or she will will be your best friend as you work through your justified anger and bitterness. He or she will give you boundaries and coping skills that will enrich your life. You need solutions, fast. Good luck and bless you for caring and loving both your sister and mother. Your a hell of a person

Dear Kady0302
You're definitely not alone, as you can tell if you've spent time on this comforting website. Fitzgerald has some great gems of advice and consolation. It is so true when she wrote "So many of us are -- or feel like -- the black sheep of families wherein our siblings who do little or nothing are golden."
It's quite baffling to me how my mother idolizes my brother and sister who rarely visit her and do nothing for her. Yet, my mother treats me with irrational disdain and seems to despise me most of the time as I spend my life caring for her. Apparently, this sort of ironic situation is quite common. I know one thing. If you don't take care of yourself, no one else will. You have to be strong enough to help yourself. Believe me, I know that it isn't easy after being worn down for months caring for someone who abuses you. All us "black sheep" struggling to maintain our individuality as we serve our aging parents are really the incredible and golden ones.

I think when reading all of this there is at least some comfort in knowing people like us are not alone and this is not so rare as one would think. That in and of itself helps! I am a Christian so I try to keep foremost in my mind that my place here on earth is to be doing God's will in my life. So often we 'should all over ourselves'. I 'should keep my mother in my home', I 'shouldn't be upset or let her get to me'. A mother 'should love her daughter, right?'. All of those shoulds compel us to do things that don't make a lot of sense. I think it is natural to want your mother to accept you, respect you, love you, see the person that it seems most of the world can see but the person who raised you. It goes to the core of self esteem and loveableness. Years ago my counselor/shrink said to me "you will have to learn to accept that your mother will never really love you in the way that you need her to". I had punished myself in an abusive situation with a husband for 13 years who treated me just like she did, evidently unaware that I was trying to recreate and right the most hurtful relationship of my life - the one with the one person who was supposed to care the most. Once I realized that I am not unloveable and that it was my mother's and my ex's problems, and not mine, life became fuller, so much better, success in every area of life more abundant and I ended up happily married to someone who treated me with the care I did deserve.
I suspect that you are still trying to 'show' your mother you are a 'good daughter/person'. I suggest that you draw boundaries and take care of her, as this is what we ought to do to 'honor' our mothers/fathers, but you do NOT have to serve yourself up. She doesn't have to be in your home, either, for you to do that.
In thinking of the term black sheep, I think more I am the 'scapegoat'. In the Bible, the scapegoat was loaded down with the bad stuff and cast out into the wilderness to die and be alone. By heaping all the garbage on the scapegoat, the rest of the herd was 'clean'. It was symbolic, but think about it - as that person, if all the family dirty laundry and baggage is put onto one person, then everyone can 'agree' that it's that person, not them, with the issues. They then can all not have to look at themselves or their doings or behavior, because of course, it is all the fault of the scapegoat. Usually, being so hurt and cast out and over burdened, we have to find other places for support and ways to figure ourselves out because we can't find it with our families. In the end, as it has been for me finally, can come freedom because the rest of them all stick together, refusing to look at anything they do. I have been called crazy by my mother, told I need a psychiatrist, etc. and yet I am the ONLY family member who has ever sought counseling! I have done the work and have put an unhealthy, dysfunctional childhood and family life behind me. I think it drives my mother crazy that she has no control over me now and no ability to get to me either. When you stop caring really what your mother thinks or says, it is easier to just let things roll off your back, still do what needs to be done, but not keep putting yourself up for an insult or a fall. Do things for her because it's what's right but not to get her approval or thanks. Get on with your own life and just hand her issues back to her as they are no longer yours.

frustrated2,
Wow! You wrote a brilliant analysis about the theory of scapegoating. I've been trying to clarify my thoughts on this issue and you explained my feelings perfectly. You are absolutely right that in a family there is often one person who is targeted as the scapegoat, the one who is dumped on by the others. The scapegoated person becomes a kind of receptacle for all the anger and rage inside the others.
In my family, my other siblings and mother have deep psychological problems, but I'm the only one who sought counseling just so that I could have a smart, neutral professional to talk to about my family issues. I like how you suggest that the abused family member/caregiver should ignore the negative comments of the parent and just get on with their life.

frustrated, what a wise person you are. I never thought of it in those terms but scapegoat is most apropos. Mom and sis could do whatever they wanted and dump it on me, the scapegoat. Mom has passed and I'm dealing with my sister through a lawyer only. I look at things in a different light now that my burden of dealing them is over. I may have been their scapegoat out of ignorance but I will NEVER again be someone's scapegoat. I see it coming with my husband's failing health and his selfish sons. I will do things my way this time. They are going to be shocked at how strong I actually am and little crap I will,tolerate. Yep, one time around as a scapegoat is all I will allow.

My mother and I have always had a difficult relationship. But my brother is a horror show, so I assist her. I have tried my entire life to get along with her, but the Alzheimer's has made her a raging lunatic. She has never gotten along with him. After our Dad died, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Dementia. Now, I (the one who cares for her and actually LOVES her) has become the Devil and my brother (who sees her when he needs money) is the Golden Boy. I can't do anything right either. Don't blame yourself, and don't believe everything your Mom tells you about your sister. I have been called every name in the book. But I know that is her disease talking, and it isn't her fault. I think you should maybe set-up a time sis can call Mom weekly (while you listen in on another extension). Don't beat yourself up. Just say "I did the best I could Mom" and leave the room when she takes her shit out on you. As my late Father always said "getting old sucks."

First of all, Bless you for doing it at all. I will Not. Second, do not listen to those who place the burden back on you. Only you know how you might be harmed here, and you don't have to forgive anything Unless someone is Sorry. I can back that up with scripture for those bible thumpers out there. Third, Look into your heart...what will bring you Peace? Move in that direction. I hope you are showered with Blessings. (((((HUGZ))))) I know how it feels to be brutally abused.

First of all it's a good thing to care for your Mom If you can,but please don't think you should suffer in the mean time.My Mom lives with me but I'm the boss and will not be ran over by Mom or anyone else.It's you home take control what every it takes

I don't think you have to be the "black sheep" to be the blunt of all problems that comes with caregiving. I am currently taking care of my 86 year old father that was diagnosed with agressive prostate cancer with bone mets plus a host of other medical issues. I have a older sister and brother. I have always been the one to step up to the plate when something needed done or to try to keep the peace. When my dad was diagnosed with the cancer, my sister (which has never been his "favorite" anyway) demanded to know what she was getting in the will or she was not going to help take care of him. She has always been high maintenance and has to have the best of everything. It has been 18 months since we spoke. I drew the line by telling her that if all she was worried about was what she was going to get then I didn't need her help. It is not easy, there are days I think I am going to loose it. I work a full time job, my husband does also and helps when he can. We are also trying to finish raising our last daughter of 14 years old. There are days when my dad is awful to me. He will cuss and I can't do anything right. He is fine with my husband and daughter. It is just me. I am trying to watch out for him. I work for hospice and one of the social workers told me that sometimes my dad may be more hateful to me because he actually feels close enough to completely vent to me about how he is feeling. It is hard to take. But I tell my daughter that sometimes I am more critical of things she does because I love her and want the best for her. It makes since that way. Just hang in there. The fact you are able to take care of your mother is a great honor. Not many are up for that challenge.

You are amazing for what you do, but coming from a family in which my sister hated me and from parents that never saw how she physically and mentally abused me for years when I was young, I learned a long time ago to just divorce her out of my life. Divorce your sister out of your life and do not pay her any mind in the future, block her number on all of your phones, do not talk to her, call her or have anything else to do with her for your health and your mothers health.
Now for your mother, you need to decide what is the best for both her needs and health. Try to clear your mind of all of that past hurt, it is hard and it took me a long time and a good therapist. None of it is your fault, you did not do anything to earn your black sheep status, it is easy enough to say much hard to come to the conclusion but you will get there and try to focus on what is best thing for your mother. If you are not able to take care of her with a clear heart and mind, then a facility is the best option because you will make yourself sick otherwise. There is no shame in this, not everyone can forgive the abuses of our childhoods. We can only walk the path that brings the best solutions that can be found to all parties.

all i can say tonight ..is WOW...there are so many of us out here...sad, suffering..tried...but were always the scapegoat...still try to do the right thing...but it's oh so hard...and i say that being newly born again..i can pray for them all...finally...but i know..distance works best...love to you all..and thanks for sharing...

OK. Look, sister did Mom a lot of damage and realistcally can't be allowed unsupervised contact that is going to harm and upset her. Do not feel bad about making that decision. If you can come up with any creative way to have contact that won't be hurtful, even letters or cards, great, but if you can't you can't. Mom would have to admit that she didn't raise her right in order not to take it out on you that she can't be in contact. Or maybe I am putting it the wrong way - Mom is blaming you so she does not have to blame herself. She would have had to admit a lot of unpleasant things to herself in order to change the facts of living in a hoarded house and being verbally abused, and she didn't do that. At Mom's age, after a lifetime of maybe not seeing things as they really are, she is not likely to suddenly become insightful and compassionate, even if she might want to be. Many of us have elders who just flat out hated and resented needing care and felt free enough to dump on the "safe" people - i.e. faithful caregivers - all the sorrow and grief they feel inside and can't really even admit to. Maybe someday you will get a little "thank you" for some silly thing you do, maybe not - and probably never for the real heavy lifting of caregiving. You may have to settle for knowing you did the right things, or at least tried your best to.

Getting low blood pressure when upset is unusual too - glad to hear you have telemedicine to try to help with that, it could certainly be dangerous! Have they done a good cardiac eval, and made sure Mom is hydrated and getting enough sodium and other solutes in the diet, and been through her meds for hypotensive side effects?

Letting it all roll off you is a huge feat and I don't think you should. If your mom lives with you, it's your domain, and there are rules, which also includes your sister's phone harrassment, that have to be observed. Personally by now, I probably would've asked my mom if she was a glutton for punishment since she "allows" your sister to use her for a doormat. In time your mom will have to be made to understand that you will not let others mistreat you while you are taking care of her. Are you able to communicate with your ex about your mom's behavior? Maybe he/she could talk to your mom and possibly even get her to yield POA to you instead. Give it time too - if it's rather new, it's pretty sore right now and needs time to settle down.

With respect to everyone here, mother is never going to change her mind on how she thinks. She thinks the way she thinks and the only thing that any one of us has control over is how each of us thinks and we react to other people. They cannot make us feel, say or do anything, we allow it to happen. I do not talk, text, video or otherwise contact my sister. She is not allowed in my home. She does not exist to me, however, I do not hold my father to that rule. He is allow to talk to her as much as he wishes and if a miracle were to occur and she were to visit him I would have no objections as long it was away from my house. I was able to put aside all my anger for her and my childhood this way. I would not allow her to contact my father if she were abusing him, because my rules would just cover him for his safety like they cover my family. it is just that simple.
I have never held my parents up to my rules for safety and living, I have let them live by their rules. He now lives with me, but I use the same standard that unless it is something that interferes with his health or safety I leave the decisions of his life up to him. I would recommend the same thing for anyone who is a caregiver. In Kaday0302's case, her sister is a threat to her mother's well being so needs to be blocked from the phone. Mom cannot make this decision on her own so it is up to the caregiver to make it. It does not have anything to do with the past, present or future it comes down to what is in the best interest of the people involved.

Why can't your mom and your sister be in the same facility, together? I don't think that your health is going to last long, with the situation the way it is.

Both your mother and sister need medication for their depression. Failing that, when your mother rages leave the room and tell her you are not going to be beat up because she is mad at someone else. Time is short. Forget the past, you are doing all you can, you are a good daughter.

It is so hard when you love someone and they make it clear to you that they love that sibling more than you. Before my mother got Alzheimer's, we had our "issues," but I tried to get along with her. She and my brother did not, nor have ever had a good relationship. Which is ironic because he has her explosive temper the "right fighting" gene, and is incredibly selfish.

He assaulted me on April 10. I received a concussion. I couldn't drive or help our Mom. He wouldn't do it. He's out now, but my attorney said I need to drop the Temporary Restraining Order. so I will do that tomorrow. After the assault, he called APS and claimed i was abusing our mother financially and mentally. Ive asked him for help, but he always turned me down. I know one thing, he will NEVER be allowed free access in this house, nor visit with our Mom without a 3rd party present (which will NEVER be me) because I never want to lay my eyes on him EVER AGAIN!

Oops, I forget to tell you from Black Sheep to Black Sheep, take care of yourself. Now that I'm in charge of finances, etc., she has attacked me both verbally and physically. Now my brother is her GOLDEN CHILD. Ridiculous.

I have learned one great trick in dealing with my mother and it has helped me so much. I just say "yes Ma'am" or "I understand" to everything she says. I do not fight with her anymore, I do not feel the guilt "as bad" because I just let her have her feelings and I do not try to change her mind. It was so hard for me to learn to do this in the beginning but it has worked wonders. I have done things that my mother did not want me to do and when she complained I just said "I understand" and kept on going. This refusal to take the guilt has helped me more than anything and I just did what I thought was best. We have a much less strained relationship and she typically forgets whatever she was mad at me about. This really freed me but it is hard to get in the habit of. I agree with some of the other posters that you should find somewhere for your mother to live other than at your house. Although it seems like the right thing to do most of the time it strains the relationship to a point that is harmful. Best of luck to you and I know that we will all be thinking about you. Keep coming to the site as it really helped me to know that others are having the same issues.

I have no real advice, but I have support. A lot of good advice provided to you in the above posts. All I can say is this site has been a god send for me, use it to your full advantage.

The one thing that all of us have in common is our understanding of what we are dealing with day to day, whether we are in home care givers or care givers traveling to the facility everyday. It is sometimes difficult in life to find people in our positions, so the site is fabulous.

Just a thought here, in some cases the person afflicted with the disease recognizes his/her disability. The caregiver is the one that is "handy" and so they are the ones that get the abuse, as the caregiver is resented for being there and having to do things the afflicted person wishes they could do for themselves. In other cases, the person may have been hateful all their life and you (the caregiver) can never "fix" that. Be a duck, and let it roll off your back as suggested above. Seek another "home" for the afflicted. Visit and be sure they are taken care of properly. Drop in at various times (not regular, expected visits). Know that you are human, subject to all types of emotions and that you are doing the best you can. Please seek help, there is help. I love the care that each of the folks here offer for these tough situations. I see myself in so much of the writings, and you all give me strength to do what I need to do. I make mistakes. It's O.K. You make mistakes too, but it's O.K. too. Blessings.

Your not the black sheep your are an angel instead don't let anyone tell you,your not ,I have aways been the southbound end of a mule heading north.But I don't care take care of your self first everything else will work out !!

UPDATE: Mom went to the hospital on Sunday. We came home yesterday. She is end stage CHF. Hospice is here. It's only a matter of weeks/days til the end. I asked her today if she loved me. I also said that I have made mistakes in my life - do you forgive me for them. Her answer to both was of course I do. At least I will never have to wonder about that.

I would ask your mother if she would prefer you leave and hire another caregiver since she finds you so deficient. Honestly, during this time can she afford to still carry all those grudges?

There are unresolved family issues here. You need to break the cycle. Maybe some therapy could help or the circle will just keep going round and round.

Sorry to hear that your Mom is in hospital, glad to hear that it sounds like you have some resolution of some of your issues with her (at last!!!). The word I kept thinking while reading about your Sis & Mom was "co-dependancy". They helped each other stay disfunctional without having to deal with the real world face-to-face.

Kady0320

At least you have an end in sight. You may go through a mixed bag of emotions when she finally does pass. I found from talking with others relief, anger, frustration and second guessing yourself on things you should or shouldn't have done is pretty normal. If your mother has assets, now might be a good time to look over her will, trusts etc. with an elder attorney. Is her funeral planned?

I would love to know how all this turns out.