My mother's favorite has always been my older sister. My sister lived with my mother for almost thirty years. I married had three children and a career. During that time my sister never paid mom any money toward bills. I divorced and became persona nongrata in my mom's eyes. My ex was mom's secondary emergency contact and I was written out of the will. My sister was mom's caretaker. Mom lived in a house that had mice throughout it and it was filthy. When I would try to intervene I was told to stay out of it. Mom didn't want to upset my sister.
Mom lost most of her eyesight due to macular degeneration and during this time my sister took over as her POA. My sister became a hoarder and used mom's money and charge cards to feed her habit. My sister was on SS disability because she didn't take her insulin and had a diabetic sore that wouldn't heal. Her doctor deemed that she was not able to work. In December my sister had a massive stroke. She is now a permenant resident in nursing home. She has her cognitive abilities but there weakness on her right side.
Mom is 89 and can't care for herself. She reluctantly came to live with me. When mom moved in with me she told me that my sister would yell at her for bring incontinent. She apologizes for everything. I tell her that she is 89 and she does not have to apologize for anything.
Mom is not pleasant to be around. I don't seem to do anything right for her. My sister is all she cares about. Mom doesn't act mean to me when other people are around. She doesn't now or ever has seen how unfair she has been to me.
My sister calls mom from the nursing home. Whenever she does mom gets very agitated and takes it out on me. Mom's BP keeps dropping. She had fallen and was in the hospital a week. I tried to talk to my sister about calling and upsetting mom. I told her that mom hasn't felt well and was in the hospital. She got on the phone when I left and screamed at my mom for not telling her about being sick. Mom's BP went down to 79/48. Her BP is telemeded everyday. The visiting nurse called me to find out what was going on. Hoe do I explain that my crazy sister is making mom sick?
I have had to block the nursing home number. I'm afraid if my sister calls while I am at work and screams at mom again it could kill her. Mom's response is that she is my daughter too. Mom is mad at me all the time now.
I am not coping very well with any of this. I am appalled with what my sister did to my mom. I'm angry at my mom for the way she continues to treat me. I'm livid for being placed behind my ex in her life. I'm angry that I don't have a life anymore.
I know I should let it roll off me. I can't let it go. I feel like I am losing it. There is no one but me to take care of her. I don't know what to do. How do I get past having a mother who doesn't care about me? How do put this anger aside?
LOVE your Mom. Be tender-hearted and forgiving. She sounds like she was abused under the care of your sister (who clearly was unable to care for herself let alone an aging parent). Pray. Seek God. Seek His love.
Can you pay for someone to help you? There are organizations that may be able to provide volunteers to help you.
Caring for a parent with dementia and other ailments is so hard. I know. But at the end of the day, we are responsible for how we respond and how we treat others.
Also, tell your Mom how you feel. This is so therapeutic. Don't shrink back - but make sure you speak the truth in love. For example: Mom, I love you so much, but I feel like you don't love me the same in return.
At least you have an end in sight. You may go through a mixed bag of emotions when she finally does pass. I found from talking with others relief, anger, frustration and second guessing yourself on things you should or shouldn't have done is pretty normal. If your mother has assets, now might be a good time to look over her will, trusts etc. with an elder attorney. Is her funeral planned?
I would love to know how all this turns out.
The one thing that all of us have in common is our understanding of what we are dealing with day to day, whether we are in home care givers or care givers traveling to the facility everyday. It is sometimes difficult in life to find people in our positions, so the site is fabulous.
He assaulted me on April 10. I received a concussion. I couldn't drive or help our Mom. He wouldn't do it. He's out now, but my attorney said I need to drop the Temporary Restraining Order. so I will do that tomorrow. After the assault, he called APS and claimed i was abusing our mother financially and mentally. Ive asked him for help, but he always turned me down. I know one thing, he will NEVER be allowed free access in this house, nor visit with our Mom without a 3rd party present (which will NEVER be me) because I never want to lay my eyes on him EVER AGAIN!
I have never held my parents up to my rules for safety and living, I have let them live by their rules. He now lives with me, but I use the same standard that unless it is something that interferes with his health or safety I leave the decisions of his life up to him. I would recommend the same thing for anyone who is a caregiver. In Kaday0302's case, her sister is a threat to her mother's well being so needs to be blocked from the phone. Mom cannot make this decision on her own so it is up to the caregiver to make it. It does not have anything to do with the past, present or future it comes down to what is in the best interest of the people involved.
Getting low blood pressure when upset is unusual too - glad to hear you have telemedicine to try to help with that, it could certainly be dangerous! Have they done a good cardiac eval, and made sure Mom is hydrated and getting enough sodium and other solutes in the diet, and been through her meds for hypotensive side effects?
Now for your mother, you need to decide what is the best for both her needs and health. Try to clear your mind of all of that past hurt, it is hard and it took me a long time and a good therapist. None of it is your fault, you did not do anything to earn your black sheep status, it is easy enough to say much hard to come to the conclusion but you will get there and try to focus on what is best thing for your mother. If you are not able to take care of her with a clear heart and mind, then a facility is the best option because you will make yourself sick otherwise. There is no shame in this, not everyone can forgive the abuses of our childhoods. We can only walk the path that brings the best solutions that can be found to all parties.
Wow! You wrote a brilliant analysis about the theory of scapegoating. I've been trying to clarify my thoughts on this issue and you explained my feelings perfectly. You are absolutely right that in a family there is often one person who is targeted as the scapegoat, the one who is dumped on by the others. The scapegoated person becomes a kind of receptacle for all the anger and rage inside the others.
In my family, my other siblings and mother have deep psychological problems, but I'm the only one who sought counseling just so that I could have a smart, neutral professional to talk to about my family issues. I like how you suggest that the abused family member/caregiver should ignore the negative comments of the parent and just get on with their life.
I suspect that you are still trying to 'show' your mother you are a 'good daughter/person'. I suggest that you draw boundaries and take care of her, as this is what we ought to do to 'honor' our mothers/fathers, but you do NOT have to serve yourself up. She doesn't have to be in your home, either, for you to do that.
In thinking of the term black sheep, I think more I am the 'scapegoat'. In the Bible, the scapegoat was loaded down with the bad stuff and cast out into the wilderness to die and be alone. By heaping all the garbage on the scapegoat, the rest of the herd was 'clean'. It was symbolic, but think about it - as that person, if all the family dirty laundry and baggage is put onto one person, then everyone can 'agree' that it's that person, not them, with the issues. They then can all not have to look at themselves or their doings or behavior, because of course, it is all the fault of the scapegoat. Usually, being so hurt and cast out and over burdened, we have to find other places for support and ways to figure ourselves out because we can't find it with our families. In the end, as it has been for me finally, can come freedom because the rest of them all stick together, refusing to look at anything they do. I have been called crazy by my mother, told I need a psychiatrist, etc. and yet I am the ONLY family member who has ever sought counseling! I have done the work and have put an unhealthy, dysfunctional childhood and family life behind me. I think it drives my mother crazy that she has no control over me now and no ability to get to me either. When you stop caring really what your mother thinks or says, it is easier to just let things roll off your back, still do what needs to be done, but not keep putting yourself up for an insult or a fall. Do things for her because it's what's right but not to get her approval or thanks. Get on with your own life and just hand her issues back to her as they are no longer yours.
You're definitely not alone, as you can tell if you've spent time on this comforting website. Fitzgerald has some great gems of advice and consolation. It is so true when she wrote "So many of us are -- or feel like -- the black sheep of families wherein our siblings who do little or nothing are golden."
It's quite baffling to me how my mother idolizes my brother and sister who rarely visit her and do nothing for her. Yet, my mother treats me with irrational disdain and seems to despise me most of the time as I spend my life caring for her. Apparently, this sort of ironic situation is quite common. I know one thing. If you don't take care of yourself, no one else will. You have to be strong enough to help yourself. Believe me, I know that it isn't easy after being worn down for months caring for someone who abuses you. All us "black sheep" struggling to maintain our individuality as we serve our aging parents are really the incredible and golden ones.