My mother’s husband of 20 years passed today. He was suffering from Lewy Body Dementia for years and that combined with kidney failure eventually led to his death. While not unexpected (he had been in palliative care with hospice at their home), my mom is understandably devastated.
Though he had been diagnosed years ago and mom had many health problems of her own over the past two years, any discussion with her about her future went nowhere. I live in another state, my younger brother lives 2 hours away and does not have a car, and my older brother lives 30 minutes from her but refuses to help or even call her. Mom refuses to disclose financial info—just says “I don’t have any money.” Then she defaults to “I will move in with you.”
I know that this is not a good idea. My boundaries are terrible, and I have a small house. In no time she would take over the house and my relationship with my husband and my mom would be destroyed. Hard as it has been, I’ve told her multiple times that this arrangement will not work for us.
I am flying home tomorrow and staying with mom for two weeks to help her sort through things and just be there for her. I am missing a memorial for a good friend who recently died to do this, but she is hysterical and needs me. It is important for me to be there.
I have a great deal of anxiety because I know the boundaries are going to be tested. I know she is going to bring up moving in with me again. She moved my grandmother in with us when I was a teenager and even though it strained every relationship in her life, she still expects me to do the same. I feel a great deal of guilt but I do not want to give up my independence and relationship. I know this will not work for me, and she will become completely dependent on me. I would be the only person she knows should she move here.
Until everything started to go sideways with her health and her husband’s issues, I was a very happy, balanced person. Now I am an anxious wreck. I have been able to help quite a bit from here—setting up home health, coordinating with doctors, keeping the rest of the family informed while she had hospitalization after hospitalization. I paid for caregivers to take care of her husband while she was in the hospital. I have flown up to help as much as I can without jeopardizing my job. I am happy to be able to help but I walk around constantly waiting for the next crisis.
Lately I cannot stop feeling like it is my responsibility to figure out her life. She is only 72, and I see no reason why she can’t have her own independent life. She is very passive, and even though she has been retired for quite some time she hasn’t picked up a hobby or made an effort to be social with anyone other than her next door neighbor. She is understandably scared because although she has gone through three divorces, she has never lived alone. Even though she knew long ago that her husband’s diagnosis was terminal she’s given no thought to her own future, or if she has, she has not shared it with me. When senior living/assisted living is brought up she insists she can’t afford it and dismisses it as an option.
How do I support her without losing my own life in the process? I am here for her, but I feel that she will cling to the idea of moving in with me even harder now. I am considered “the stable one” and have been told by relatives that since a I am the daughter, I have more responsibility than my brothers. I feel like everyone is pushing this problem on me, and they can’t wait to wash their hands of it.
You've asked this same question 3x already and I think the 23 responses you got to your last post should be reviewed here:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/moms-husband-is-terminal-and-they-have-not-planned-for-any-of-it-472309.htm?orderby=recent
They are great comments and should give you lots to think about while you come up with your plan to tell mom that living with you is NOT AN OPTION. Just make up your mind to do it and then DO IT! Or live the rest of your life with regret and sorrow for not sticking to your guns.
Best of luck!
This could be where your turmoil is.
You say you need to keep your boundaries, know it will eat your life up to move Mother's in, house her etc & take on all her responsibility and yet.. you feel like you should do this.
You know & listed all the reasons you shouldn't.
Why do you feel you should?
See what comes up to answer that question? Delve into it.
Also ask it a few ways. Why DO you.. (why take on her responsibilities?).. Why do YOU have to be the one (ie not anyone else).. Why you SHOULD (ie should you always obey Mom's wishes?).
Are you actually trying to make Mom happy? If so, will obeying Mom's wishes actually do that? Make her happy?
She's hysterical. She is grief-stricken. She needs support. All of those things we accept.
What you don't have to accept is that this situation, which has been coming down the road for a long time, obliges you to sacrifice something which is unique - you will never have a second opportunity to honour your dear friend in that way - and at the same time expose yourself to a sustained, 2-week long assault on your position that mother's moving in with you is a shockingly bad idea.
So: I really don't think you should go. Not until you're able to do so on your own terms. What practical help does your mother need right now?
The two of them have made no plans for their future.
Both felt that should something go wrong, they would just move in with one of the kids up but never had a real discussion with any of us about it.
My mother is a hard no on assisted living as she does not want to live with anyone but one of her kids, and she assures me that she cannot afford it. It may be true. I don’t know for sure because she refuses to let me in on legal or financial info."
She has an attorney, a financial planner and a step-daughter who will presumably plan the funeral with your mother.
She shares no information with you but demands to move in with you.
And you're showing up for 2 weeks?
Why is that?
Don't go.
Relationships are a two way street. Stop behaving like a doormat. Learn the phrase "no, I can't possibly do that".
It cost 5k per month.
My mother would have told us that there was no way she could afford that.
My brother had POA for mom's financial affairs. His wife (who has an MBA) is a financial whiz. She said mom could easily afford, so we just went ahead and signed her up for it. Never told her what it cost.
That's how it works when there is a 2 way relationship; there's trust and communication.
As far as moving her in...hard no...even for a short time. Can your husband be the bad guy in this for you?
Make a list of things you are willing to help with and those that are deal breakers and stick to it. Your mom is expecting you to come there and take care of her. Is that what you want? Expect another 15 years of putting your life on hold for her. Again is that what you want? You need to put her on track for standing on her own two feet. It sounds like she is used to being taken care of.
What if she says "I going to have to kill myself if you leave and don't take me with you"?
While there fifteen years ago, I asked if the tall building was a nursing home and was informed that it was actually senior housing for folks with low-income that they do not advertise. Boy did my ears perk up at that because that is probably the kind of place I'll need if there is no inheritance from my father (I'm not counting on it, never have). So I asked if I could see a unit.
One of the residents was passing by and heard me and she invited me to come see her unit (they are all the same). It was nicer and bigger than ones I've seen in a chain CCRC (Erikson) that look like a glorified hotel room for $2,000 a month plus $800,000 entrance fee.
For a minimal amount, these are one bedroom apartments with separate living room, kitchen, and dining areas and one bath. And they have access to everything that the folks living in the cottages have. This is something I could afford BUT I would not have known about it had I not asked.
All that to say, do some homework, find out what is out there, probe and asked about low-income senior housing within a retirement community (not state or federal housing). You might find out that you can show mom she can afford to live in a retirement community.
My mother lives with me, I too was independent with my soon to be wife but going out, hanging out, mingling came to an end because we can't leave mom by herself because she is nearly incapable of mobility and my 76 year old mother is a toddler mentally. So I don't have to mention everything that goes into taking care of her.
I have a full time job but many times I had to work shorter hours because care providers would quit just out of the blues or find higher paying jobs. What protected me from getting fired is FMLA. My mother has both medicaid/Medicare and those programs help in finding a assisted living, help with care providers also helps in out of pocket expenses many. Many things medicaid/Medicare can do that will help you.
So. What you can do is tell her.. You'll place her in an assisted living place while you look for a bigger house 🏠, as soon as you get one, you'll come and get her. Of course she probably is not dumb and will blow through that but if she agrees, there's a chance she'll make friends there and would not want to leave.
It is not your responsibility to entertain her
It is not your responsibility to house her.
You have not even arrived at her house and boundaries are already broken.
You say you are "flying home" no, you are going to HER house, you are already home.
You say you are missing a memorial service for a very good friend. Why? Will a day or two matter? (I know that probably sounds harsh but it may be setting up a pattern where she says "jump" and you jump.) My response would be different if your mom were in the hospital, or somehow unable to care for herself but that does not seem to be the case.
You can explain to mom she has 2 choices. Look for Independent or Assisted Living where she currently lives or she can look near where you live. The one thing she can not do is move in with you.
(If she wants to look near you I suggest that you tour a few places to narrow it down for her.)
I can tell you my Husband died 5 years ago, the last think I am thinking about is "a new man"
Not everyone is on Social Security. Not everyone got a raise.
If you had kids, then got old after raising them wouldn't you expect that in return in old age? I mean what were parents doing for 18 years but kinda being inconvenienced by children.
Even though I hate assisted living, if you only need companionship for 5,800$ a month they assist. It is said that 98% of most of a person's wealth is spent in the last 2% of their life. (Former AL resident and daughter with a mother is overwhelming and overbearing)
This immediate two weeks after her husband's death are not the time to sort out longer range plans. Take care of her immediate needs and arrange some continued support for her after you leave. You or she might have to pay for some extra help there where she lives. Do not take her home with you.
It sounds overwhelming but really all you're doing is gathering info, deciding what she can afford, and getting a free consultation from a few elder care attorneys. The rest will follow.
Once you have her budget, you can look for apartments nearby you for rent, see a realtor for home owners looking to rent part of their home, or scout out assisted living facilities. Do your research, always being clear that you will help her find a good place to live and that she is going to have a better life. At 72, she truly can have a better life. Stay positive and try to show confidence. You can do this!
if you do scout out AL , look for what their Medicaid acceptance level is. Our friends mom, is in an AL that requires self pay of 3 years to be able to transfer to Medicaid and stay. My mom is in memory care that requires a one year self pay. The availability certainly goes down as the ability to pay follows suit. It’s one of the things I wish I knew when my mom started in living in an AL, in a different state. When I moved her here, she barely had enough money for the one year…we were fortunate to find where my mom is now…
I used a placement service. I looked online and found a local independent company. The placement specialist set up appointments for me to go tour. Specialist knows the finances, the area , the availability. I believe most people do not know of this service that is out there. I strongly suggest a local person who can physically be there. When I was looking in a different state, I was directed by a person from a company who obviously was not in the area… not even close to an acceptable place , pictures of facility was not even distinguishable…
You don’t pay for this service, the specialist gets paid by the AL for the placement.
In the meantime… I would not go down that road of your mom taking up residence in your home..do not feel guilty! You are stepping up by making certain she is has a home near by, all the legal stuff is in place etc.
I do have one thought, though.... would she accept therapy, maybe going together with her a couple of times while you are there and then hopefully she would continue ?
My husband will hear a request & then be direct with Yes, sure or No, not doing that.
Others in the wider family have varied responses - deflecting but without a clean no: I'll think about it (but mean no..) I'll get back to you (but don't..) let me know if you need help (um I just did!)
Insisting a conversation gets started about who can honestly do what can certainly be worthwhile.
But, she is my mom and on the rare good days, when she is pleasant and will hand me crumbs of affection, I forget the lack of sleep and the degradation and I am a little girl again spending the day with my favorite person, my mama