How can we help Mom with Alzheimer's who's living with husband of 64 years? He drinks and wants to isolate her.

I agree that your dad probably thinks he's protecting your mom, but I also agree that he may have skewed thinking because of dementia.

As mentioned, your dad may be using alcohol to relieve his own depression and possible burnout. The real question is whether he's a true alcoholic. If that's so, it's going to be hard to convince him that he needs help. If he's drinking because of depression over your mother's illness and his own burnout, it's possible that a doctor can help get him on track.

The key seems to be to figure out what's going on with your dad and then work with that so that your mom's situation is more open to adjustment. I'm happy to read that your sisters are also helping care for your mom. This situation may take some real family pressure.

Good luck. Please keep us informed about how it's going.
Carol

Whatever the reason, he's overly controlling if, indeed, your mom is capable of doing more than she is allowed to do.

I think you can probably best help your mother by helping your dad. I especially agree with visiting to get a really clear picture for yourself of what's going on; and with PS's great idea of getting him more male company and some relief from care giving; and with the important point that your mother's thinking about social events may not be too reliable. But I think the key thing is to be very cautious about choosing how best to intervene - good intentions aren't enough by themselves. Best of luck

Alcohol and elderly= toxic! You are in a tough situation bcus dad can't SEE and is self absorbed in fear and depression. But mom is in need of a healthy caregiver. Tough situation. I suggest you daughters arrange a visit- if you celebrate Easter - do brunch and then ask dad how he is doing and use empathy. Hopefully he will open up and that will provide opportunities to ask open ended questions such as "are you able to give your beautiful wife the care she deserves from you or this must be hard on you dad; how are you holding up?" You may have to accept that checking in on mom daily is all you can do- sad I know but if you involve county or city- it could go south fast. In my area I am seeing more and more "state control" and removal of care from families. Its a growing concern. Good luck, put your thinking caps on. If dad doesn't see his drinking as a problem you are going to hit a brick wall. Stratigize!

I believe your father's verbal abuse to the aunt and your mother may be because he is exhausted. My dad got really nasty to me because he was trying to keep mom sleeping in the master bedroom, but mom would get up at night, wake him by yelling in his ear or punching him and she'd have him up all night. This happened night after night, week after week and dad didn't want to give in and have caregivers, but it got to the point it HAD to happen. Dad was exhausted and irrational and the stress was too much for him. My dad historically has NEVER been nasty to me, but he spoke to me in the most disrespectful manner ever. I even wondered if he was getting dementia at the time. I used benign dominance to FORCE dad to accept a night time caregiver and I FORCED dad, every so sweetly to let mom sleep in the guest room. 3 weeks later, dad is doing so much better and he is rational and calm again. He is beginning to be able to be more in command of his own life as the caregivers are in the house 24x7 and they are the ones who stay up all night with mom when she gets wild. I know that he, at age 89, cannot possibly care for my mother in her current state through the night. We are lucky to be able to afford nighttime caregivers.

But this anger in your dad at your mom and aunt - it may be because he is just plain exhausted and desperately needs help. It may be that he doesn't know there is help available or that it is OK to ask for help. But it does sound to me like he is in crisis. So I would definitely force some help on him regardless of if he wants it or not. You can use the excuse that the doctor says either they must have a caregiver in the home for your mom or she must go into a care facility. Tell him that the doctor will report him to APS if he doesn't have one or the other. That should get him to agree to allow caregivers.

How is your father's health? Sometimes the elderly and not so elderly use alcohol for the relief of pain and depression.

You never know who is the one actually 'isolating her'. My mom had Alzheimer's and didn't want to socialize but she didn't want people to know-she tried to hide it. She would make plans then she let my dad be the 'fall guy' and intervene on her behalf-giving her an easy way out. She knew she couldn't handle a social situation. Just saying you can't always go by what's on the surface. What appears to be true isn't always the truth.

I believe the best solutions are found in caregiver and caregetter groups that interact together and support each other. I hope there is a group near your parents and a member will reach out and invite them in. It is a blessing to be able to ASK for help. And a blessing to be able to give it.

Have you ever given any thought to the possibility that he may have some form of dementia?

As an R.N., a baby boomer, & having a husband, age 64, with Solvent Dementia, I would turf you over to Y-tube site on ,"Alzheimer's & Dementia Care". You will get a lot of good information. & your questions answered.

It is not ok what your dad is doing to your mom. Your dad is a drinker you said.
I know that one well. Your dad could be suffering from Dementia onset to.

I am older then my husband & care for him too. If your not on the front lines doing the dance. you said it all in "HIS BEHAVIOR IS INAPPROPRIATE AN UNACCEPTABLE." Do what you must do for the wellbeing of all.

Be good to you as your number one.

This is all good info - I have the same situation but in reverse - my stepmother isolating my father. My brother and sister came in to town a couple of weeks ago which was an accomplishment. I think stepmother is afraid since she hovers over him all the time and seems to make things worse than they are. She hates me, so chances of me being able to help her in any way are about nil.

You may be overestimating your mother's ability to handle social plans at this point. It is hard to know, but with my mother, two years ago, she could still visit with friends, but then she would have delusions that the friends were doing stuff she didn't approve of. She accused one friend (age 82) of picking up strange men in bars. Nothing could be further from the truth. She also had a tendency to drink too much wine in restaurants. At one point, she became so inebriated at lunch the manager had to help my dad carry her to the car - I had to speak to the manager of the Country Club and ask them to only give her wine spritzers just to try to control this somewhat. My mother NEVER was a heavy drinker but as the brain is damaged by Alzheimers, these are the sorts of things which may occur. What I'm trying to say is that your father may be attempting to protect your mother's dignity by preventing her from going out in public in her current condition where she will be exposed to the scrutiny of others and may become a topic of gossip. He may also be trying to protect himself from having to listen to your mom rave on for days or weeks about some imagined incident. My own mother became fixated that her housekeeper was stealing from her. Of course, that was not true at all but it was a bit of a problem for us because many of my mothers friends used the same housekeeper. Dad had to keep mom away from those friends so that she would not make these false accusations to them about the housekeeper. Dad and I knew she had never stolen from them. Mom would wake up from a vivid dream and demand that dad call the police instantly so she could report the housekeeper for stealing. Fortunately, mom couldn't remember how to call 911 at the time. Once my dad set off the burglar alarm and the police came and mom told the officer this wacky story about the maid traveling around in a car with 30 burglars and coming in and robbing their house each night. Fortunately, the officer, realized something was off and he asked to speak to my father outside. My father explained my mother's condition and the police officer was very kind about it and told him that his own grandmother had the same thing. Your mother may tell you or others stories that are not true which could place your mother in a position of being sued. Another aspect of this is that unfortunately in people in our parents age, there has always been a great deal of stigma attached to mental illness. Thank God most of that has been overcome by people in our age group. Still, it is very difficult to manage someone with this disease and their false beliefs. It is hard to predict what may come out of their mouths. I think your mother's husband IS trying to protect her. What I would suggest is that you and your siblings look at hiring caregivers to come into your mom's house for 4 hours at a time a couple times a week so that her husband can get out of the house a couple of times per week and be on his own. Even if your mom's husband says he doesn't want this help, he truly needs it and you all should use benign dominance to force the help upon him and your mom. Benign dominance means that you are kindly forcing them to do something they may claim they don't want, but that, in truth they really need. As the disease progresses, your mom is going to need more and more care, so doing this now will begin to create a trust relationship between your mother and her caregivers. They will provide structure and care in your mother's life. Should you all decide to place your mother later, this will make things easier. In the meantime, there is a free book on the internet called "Understanding the Dementia Experience" by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller. Please Google that and get a copy of it and you and your siblings need to read this. It will give you a greater understanding of what is happening to your mother. There is also a great book called "Elder Rage, or take my Father...Please" website: elderrage which you can buy on Amazon. It is also very helpful in understanding what your mother and her husband are going through.

He is trying to protect her, I think... And perhaps he is somewhat concerned that she will be humiliated. I would encourage him to get out and do things with his guy friends and get respite care for him. Caring for someone we love is hard when we know they will not get better!

Have to say Pam's response was brilliant. (Although - having been married to an alcoholic, I wish getting them to AA was that easy. In real life, sometimes we have to walk away. It's an emotionally wrenching experience.)

There is a fine line between inappropriate and abusive. There is also a fine line between burnout and dementia. If dad is in his 80's, he is fearful of losing her and worried about his own decline.
Start by getting him some respite. A golf outing with some other men, including lunch or dinner at the clubhouse. A day of fishing with the guys. A regular day off each week, perhaps your husband can take him to a baseball game or classic car day (they ALL love the car stuff). Get him out of the house, and that is your turn to get mom moving, visiting and socializing.
It sounds like he is surrounded by female family members. He needs time in a man cave, with other men, where they can cuss and fart in harmony. Try not to judge from far away, based on what you hear from sisters. Come to town and see these things with your own eyes, sense his fear and frustration, find solutions. If you know someone in AA, have them sponsor your father. One step at a time.