The drama with my mom continues. On Saturday morning she started with the "I just want to die" again. This time I called 911 and they took her to the hospital. Now they have transferred her to a geriatric psychiatric care facility. Once they get her stable, can I refuse to accept her back? If I do that, will they have to find her a place to live. She has no money but SS and is not qualified for our state's medicaid so no LTC that she can afford - but she needs fulltime 24 hour supervision. My DH and I work full time and cannot provide her with that level of care - nor do we want to.
Gracie, I truly wouldn't worry about the furnishings, odds are that it is goodwill and yard sale stuff, nothing wrong with that.
When you accept residents with behavioral issues you can not have top quality furnishings, things get ruined and it is easier to let things slide when they aren't costing you thousands of dollars for nice furnishings to be replaced.
I recommend that you don't even get into how shabby the place is with your mom, unless you are prepared to be her full-time caregiver again. What matters is the care she gets in the AL.
I would be happy dancing that she was accepted from the psych unit, you can read here story after story about no facility will accept a resident because of their psych issues.
I would stay away for a few days. Good there r no phones, she doesn't need one. If she gets to one and calls you, if she starts complaining tell her that is where, for now, she needs to be. If she continues to complain, tell her ur hanging up. Be strong!😊 You now have freedom.
I'm good. You are right. She will have to adjust because she has nowhere else to go. It is an answer to prayers. I am going to drop off all her stuff at the AL tomorrow. She is supposed to be discharged on Tuesday. I plan on staying away for at least 6 months.
She won't call me because she doesn't know my number or anyone elses by heart. I know it may sound mean, but it's for the best. I just hope she doesn't act up over there and get herself kicked out or something.
I will continue to be strong. Believe me when I say...she will not be setting a single foot back into my home even for a visit. I will take no chances.
Based on preliminary research I have done, Burnt and others are 100% right that NO facility charges only $1300/mo. In 1970, maybe, but definitely not in 2023! In a similar situation, I would be compelled to realize that and adapt, I hope reasonably graciously.
The AL is willing to "work" with your mother's budget because they accept Medicaid. Very few do and I've never known one who accepted it without a certain amount of time being paid in cash by a new resident moving in.
The $1300 a month that your mother is paying is her share of the bill. The rest will be covered by Medicaid. No AL facility costs $1300 a month.
You both got lucky finding this AL. The facility will also take care of business with Medicaid too.
Anyway, I did call the facility and it is a typical assisted living facility they prepare meals, manage medication and provide typical assistance that my mother will need. It's furnished. She only needs her personal stuff and I will be going there today to pay for her first month's rent and deposit. She just barely has enough to cover the cost of this facility. I will also set up direct monthly payment to the facility. I also told the SW that they will need to transport her from their facility to the AL facility, because I don't want to have any issues with something happening and her not being delivered to her new home and me being "stuck" with her again.
It does seem like I am finally out of this huge burden and I want to thank all of you who have provided me with advise and support to get out of this horrible situation. I know I am not completely "out" of it. But I have my life back. I know she will never be happy and that I will continue to recieve calls and complaints, but now, I can chose to respond or not respond and she is out of my house and I will never allow her to return. These past 2 weeks (that she has been in the facility) have been wonderful and peaceful. Like my DH said, the 15 months of living hell will quickly fade and be a distant memory. But, I will hold that memory as a reminder to never cave again and bring her into my home.
I still hold POA. She is not capable of managing money. My next move is to find an alternative POA for her. She will continue to battle me on needing more money or wanting to buy things she can't afford. I just do not want the constant battles with her.
I will continue to be ever grateful and continue to visit this forum to post and comment about this journey and help others who are in similar situations. I will also let you all know my thoughts on her new AL home.
It might be advisable to not put anything in writing to "report" to a SW anything about yourself, or what you are or are not going to do.
The attorney can explain to you the reasons why.
The case is about your Mom.
I'm starting to get worried. It sounds like they won't have anywhere for her to go. What do I do? I know I just need to keep repeating myself that she can't be safely discharged here. What will happen to her? Any advise from all of you would be greatly appreciated.
They might have to work a little bit harder, and they probably still think they can bully you into taking her home. We're all behind you here. Your mother needs to be and will be placed in a facility.
Let us know what the SW says when he calls after the team meeting.
Is there any advisr for me ..should I continue to provide information on my mother, or should I seek alteratives, like stop calling me and figure it out youselves... I don't mean to be mean... but I want to cut off everything and get back to my life.
Call APS and keep answering your phone. Be a broken record and say "No, I will not be taking her back into my home, there is no one to provide care for her here."
Plan B) would be instead to call APS and tell them where Mom is, that the social workers are finding placement, that you do not want to be POA anymore and to assist you in withdrawing as POA and getting State guardianship for your Mom.
Do understand, Gracie, that this means the END of you having any say in anything about where she is places, or in any control of her assets.
These are the steps you have to take. I would start with APS as it will be easier/cheaper than the attorney.
As to the phone, tell them you are resigning as POA and are working now to legally do that, placing mom under guardianship of the state and that you will not accept her back in your home.
And yes, if you have to RESIGN YOUR POA. You might need an attorney to do it if she is adjudged incompetent. APS can also walk you through it. He didn't answer you about "Ward of the State" because the state doesn't want to deal with this any more than YOU do, but the truth is they have the knowledge and resources to do it and you do NOT.
Keep on keeping on and thanks so much for your update.
And yes, you can refuse to take her back. You will need to make it stick with "I am not mentally or physically able to accept her to my home". You may need to give up POA if you have it and can call APS to tell them you can no longer care for her and she must become a ward of the state.
Let the Social Workers at the hospital know at once you will not accept her home. Do not buy any of this "we can help" and "we will make this work". They can't and they won't.
I do have POA for finances, medical and mental decisions. But, I am more than willing to give it all to someone else...who??? I don't know since she has no one left.
YES, you can say that you can no longer care for her. You can also give up as POA and allow the State to take over her care. They will find her a placement quicker than you will. If you want nothing to do with Mom's care, thats the way to go.
Yes, this is your Golden Ticket so grab it.
It's not that you have decided. The doctors have set the bar and you can't reach it.
The facts are -
The doctors have decided that your mother needs 24 supervision.
(You did not decide that, the doctors did.)
You cannot provide that 24 hr. supervision.
Therefore your mother cannot be cared for in your home.
Your mother needs placement in a suitable facility where she gets 24 hr. supervision.
Don't budge from that position when you speak to the discharge people and speak to them soon. As againx says -you don't want them thinking she will go back to you.
Stick to your guns. They know what resources are available.
Wishing you all the best and keep us updated.
I know it won't be easy but your life right now is anything but easy. After 6 years of my mom living with me and hubby (similar situation to yours!), I was waiting for her to go to the hospital again because she was not going to be coming back home. She'd been hospitalized like 3 years in a row but once I decided it was time, that dried up like a desert! I had to put on my big girl panties, with encouragement from other posters here, to tell her the bad news - that she was moving into AL. It was a rough start and she still doesn't love it but it is sooooo much better for me.
Best of luck.