Should Mom's money be used to pay for in-home care because I'm not currently able to give due to my panic and anxiety?

Okay my sister is on as the secondary that the POA would go to if I gave it up, then my younger sister after her. Here is the thing Mom actually wanted all 3 of us on the Medical POA because she said she never wanted any ONE of us to have to handle everything alone. Therefore after the POA was originally made she wrote up a paper by hand that said she wanted all 3 of us as her Medical POA the only reason she put me alone was because the attorney told her that it was better this way, in case there was an emergency they would not have to get in touch with everyone, just one person.

This is what bothers me, my older sister is not nice to my Mom. She says EVERYTHING with an attitude and yells.....I think she is half MY problem as well because you feel like you are walking on egg shells all the time. Tonight my Mom told me that "She didn't know what she had done wrong to be treated this way." She went on to say that "she was afraid to go to bed at night (sister sleeps in room next door) because she is afraid she will not wake up in the morning!

When i brought this up to said sister, she says, "Oh yeah thats great because that is the same exact thing she says about YOU!" Now I do not treat my mother badly nor speak to her the way my sister does, but I do know that dementia patients may say these things about anyone, so I am not sure if it is a true fear or something she might even say about me or my younger sister.

stressed52, unless your sister's name is already on the medical POA, you can't just give it to her. Nor can you just give her the financial POA. It doesn't work that way. For her to get POA, your mom would have to have your name removed and have a new POA written up with your sister's name on.

Okay so my sisters talked over what they were going to do. My youngest sister honestly has no options, as her husband died at 47 she is working 12 hours a day to try and keep her house and she has two kids one just entering college.

Older sister has options, she is on SS is 66 and her part time job ends around the second week of June, however I do understand why she needs to keep work since her SS is so low. But she lives here and pays $300 a month.

So today the man came with a contract that older sister had contacted, I have been doing this for free for 8 years....the contract tonight was for 8 hours a day 5 days a week!!!! This person will be paid almost $40,000 a year. I do not understand why 8 hours a day is needed but she wants the woman here at 7 am and off at 3 pm? She is NEVER home by 3 pm.....this is the sister who stays gone til 5, 6 or 7 pm at night.

I had told her the other night that I would sign over Mom's HealthCare POA to her....I regret that in a way. Tonight she made the statement that we were seeing an attorney to have the paperwork changed so she could also have the Financial POA! My younger sister and I BOTH said, "NO I never said I would give you the Financial POA, I said Medical. Now I wish I had never said Medical. She says well in you condition I do not think you should be handling the money! Now get you this woman is the only one of us who HAS EVER TAKEN A DIME FROM MY MOTHER AND NEVER REPAID A CENT NOR DOES SHE FEEL ANY REMORSE FOR DOING IT!!!! She currently owes the Mom in excess of $12,000 total that will never be seen. Not to mention she had a bank write of a credit card balance when my Dad died saying it was his debt, when all he had ever done was sign for her to be able to get a card. He never used a credit card, he was cash and carry all the way!!!

Now I am wondering what the heck is going to happen and it scares me.

If anyone else has panic and anxiety, i have to tell you I found a product at the Health Food Store which has been pretty amazing for me...it is made by Quality of Life and is called "Pure Balance Serotonin" it is actually for weight loss the woman said but it levels your Serotonin to make you feel good and thus has stopped the Panic and Anxiety. Now I have only been on it for two days and everyone is different and maybe this is just a fluke but so far so good. I am also taking Folic Acid, Vitamin C, and drinking Oolong Tea and Green Tea basically as iced tea all day long. I don't want to lead anyone astray but if you are searching for something, try this. I have been reading everything i can get my hands on and walking around the block a couple times a day. I also have to say that I have taken 1/2 of a .50 Ativan at bedtime and I am trying to lead to meditate.

Sorry for such an involved reply.

It wouldn't have to be an attorney, and the POA should state whether it can be transferred to a third party or not. Who is second on the POA? Or is there a second person listed? The best solution would be an impartial third party, get the family dynamics out of it completely. It would not need to be an attorney, it could be a geriatric case manager and someone that also does conservatorship work.

Would it be possible to reassign the Financial and Medical POA over to an attorney and let him/her make all the decisions?.... I realize there would be a cost to the attorney for all this work but for one's peace of mind it would be worth it. Let the sister yell at the attorney and see how far she gets doing that.

I seem to recall someone on this site mentioning that "abandoning" her mom to the state was the best thing she ever did for her mom's care. Took the family dysfunction out of the equation and got her mother good care. Sometimes what we most fear is the best plan, oddly enough.

Stressed, praying for you, sorry it's come to this. If you were in Little Rock I'd say Dorcas House which is for victims of domestic abuse, which in a vey real way you are. Hope this is the start to a better life for you.

Stressed, so praying for for you and wishing you peace and health and serenity.

52-
Take mom to the nearest ER, tell them she has had behavior changes, and you are not able to care for her any longer. You are at the end of your rope, you need to take care of you. IMO your sister is having more effect on your health than what you do for mom. That is my case, this would be so much easier without sisters and their narcissistic behaviors.

Take care of you. Find a way to get out of there today, it may require abandoning your mom to the state, which may be a good thing, it would remove the family dysfunction from the situation completely. Good luck, stay strong.

You can only lose your disability if you are being paid to help her out. You really need to see an attorney or get a referral through the State Bar where you live. You pay $25 or something and get 30-50 minutes of advise. Don't give your POWER to your sisters. They are hTeful and nasty

Just because you aren't takiing care of her doesn't mean you have to leave. If you are on Disability, pay some rent. You are the Power of Attorney, you still have rights!

I am 61 on Disability with Medicare and Medi Cal if that makes any difference.

If any of you pray or believe in prayer, would you please pray for me, I really need it. My panic and anxiety has become so bad I can no longer function properly. I told both of my sisters tonight that this was it, I had held on for as long as I could but no one ever listens or has helped, so this is it, I am over and out. They now need to figure out how to care for Mom because it has made me so sick that I will probably have to be hospitalized or got through years of trying to get over this AGAIN. I just cannot do it. My older sister tried to jump on me again and I jumped right back.

I have a problem in that I now have no place to go to escape this because it is not going to be pretty.....I need to recuperate and relax and get myself back together. I would check myself into a hospital but I refuse to go into a locked facility. My daughter has about a month until she graduates from college, I am kind of screwed, any suggestions PLEASE!!!! Pray for me PLEASE!!!!! I am frightened out of my wits!!!

Let her go to the attorney, and then tell her she gets to take over the care because you are getting a job . And you still have the POA most likely. Her story may change once she has to deal. Take care if yourself first or you can;t take care of ANYone else

And a bully.

You are doing the right thing by hiring help. Your sister is an idiot.

Check out this link (it talks about the stress of caregiving and family relations while caregiving: https://www.agingcare.com/Caregiver-Support

Get into an attorney to get your answers. Otherwise, you could get screwsd over.

On another question I posted pamstegman said something to me that I had never thought of, she told me that if I was disabled and receiving a monthly check, I could not be a caregiver for my mother because if they found out they would cut off my disability. So she said you can be disabled or you can be a caregiver...decide.

I had asked a question about Mom's house and if the time came when she had to go onto MediCal, would we be able to keep her house when she passes away since I am disabled and have lived her for many years. I understand that can be done. My wicked sister is afraid that this is exactly what will happen only Moms house would be awarded to me solely and she again would again be out of her inheritance.

Can I lose my disability for living in the same house with Mom and caring for her? I believe I have heard many people on this site have to do the same thing, so I was floored!!! My first thought was here is something my sister can use against me, but SHE WANTS ME HERE TAKING CARE OF MOM so she wouldn't try to turn me in unless I walked away and left it on her.....which I would love to do, but she is short tempered.

I did not think about the disability angle. Couldn't she stop collecting it and get paid for mom's care? Seems caring for mom would pay much better. Or is she prohibited from any sort of work because of the disability?

I think that there needs to be a PTSD type disability available for caregivers if necessary when our jobs are over. I have read so many stories of abuse of caregivers by their sick elders. When the job is done, the relief of the trauma ending is very difficult for so many.

I see people advising you to get paid. Don't do it. If you are on Disability, you could be charged with fraud and lose it. Don't give your sister anything to hold over your head! BTW: I was a legal secretary for over 20 years (different field), but I do know the basics).

Arme you possibly the executor as well? I hope so. Your disability could be used as a reason. NOT to continue care for your Mom. It is killing you (and your wicked sisters). Your one sister being more concerned about an inheritance than your health and your Mom's makes me sick. I want to slap her as much as my own brother (who does nada). And he is in and out of work, and constantly moving. The minute Mom is gone, he'll have his hand out. BTW: Mom can't go on Medicaid until she has exhausted her funds (other than a house, I believe). Please find an apartment and move and hire an agency for 3-4 days/week. You can do the other days, and go home at night. Talk to an Elder Attorney, the Alzheimer's Association (who is available 24/7). They have helped me SO MUCH! Consider a Geriatric Case Manager -- they walk you throu the process from A - Z. YOUR SISTER is the female version of my brother. She has NO SAY. Talk to some agencies. If you want to get any information, I went to an elder attorney and could give tou ideas (if you want). I don't want to act like the B*TCH of a sister you have. 80% of caregivers die before the person they care for due to stress. Don't let your sisters use the "guilt card!" My Mom is on 4 meds to keep her calm (she has attacked me 4-5 times). Your Mom should be on at least Aricept. Please don't think I'm bossy (though I am). I don't want to see you victimized by 2 cruel sisters.

Your sanity is more important than the Wicked Witch of the Witch's -- she's got it made --and though it is hard, placing Mom in Long Term Care is safer for her. 0h, and you can call Adult Protective Services on your sister re her overwhelming interest in money & holding you hostage to care for your Mom. It's been made clear to me by the Police, APS and other experts, my Mom needs placed, and SOON! You are a tough cookie (though you don't think you are). I've been doing this for 2.5 years. I don't know how you have done it for so long!

Stressed52, the POA document gives you the legal right to hire in home care for your mother using her funds. Your sisters have no say in your decision unless they are willing to do the care themselves. Hire the agency, give yourself a break and stop asking permission from your sisters about your responsiblities as your mother's POA!

Be very careful about getting paid by your mom's money since you are her POA. I'd go see your local elder law attorney before you start doing this. Especially since you have siblings on the rampage and seeking ways to pull you down. For now, I'd go to your Original desire to send mom to memory care unit. As POA, you are required to do what's best for your mom's interest (and not your siblings.)

I agree about no longer discussing your mom's situation with your sibling. Since you all are living in the same house (?), I'd lock up or hide All your back-up documents from your siblings. Do you have a loyal friend who is willing to keep Copies of your originals? The more copies you have the better. If you have a scanner, can you scan your documents and email it to your yourself. When you receive these scanned email documents, put it into a file on your email: "Mom Document" This way, if your siblings find your hardcopy, you still have the email scanned documents.

Stressed and Ba8,
my mom has the same continuing questions about her parents.I tell her they as passed, mom gets upset, sometimes quite emotional. The few times I have told her they are out with friends or we'll call them tomorrow, she also says to me "oh, are they still alive?". To which like stressed said at that point you just have to say no, and provide the comfort with hugs that they need. My mo will sometimes start knocking on the sides of her head (not hard) saying "what is wrong with me?" it is such a sad disease to watch get progressively worse.

Now, really good night.

Stressed, I just find it unbelieveable how similar our situations are! Is the house left to you in a will? You should be paying yourself for mom's care, though I understand some states do not permit a family member to be paid, POA or not. Many states will also allow family caregivers to remain in the home even if parent ends up on Medicaid. Even the state recognizes the financial and emotional impact on caregivers of caring for a parent for free will have. The reason for those laws is to avoid creating another generation of Medicaid recipients. I think this makes sense, don't you?

Siblings try to make us, the 24/7 caregivers feel guilty for wanting to be paid. And all because of the impact on their inheritance! They want it today and the sooner mom dies the more there will be. And the attorney made an excellent point that the inheritance will only be there if mom receives free care from you. In addition he told you that the money is for your moms care first and it is not likely that there will be anything left.

Did you ask the attorney if you can be paid for caring for your mom? Or are you in one of the states that does not permit this?

At the doctor appointment be determined to keep your COOL! It sounds as if sisters are going as well? Try not to become upset at anything they say. Make sure that appointment stays on topic of your mom's care, not the family dysfunction. You should also be able to receive some sort of a recommendation from the doctor about the respite that YOU will need in order for you to be a better caregiver for your mom if you want to continue doing so.

But you should definitely check into getting paid in spite of being POA. It may be possible to have a professional Geriatric Care Manager do an in home assessment of your mom, make recommendations for her care and your respite time, and recommendation of pay for YOU.

Now make plans to get out of there for awhile, enjoy yourself and get to feeling better. I know I would like a month to just sit in a comfortable, well equipped cave with a hot shower, food to eat, in the middle of nowhere and just left alone! Once there, I know I would enjoy every minute with a book, tv, internet, music, just myself. The best thing, no sisters bulls**t! They can just go away, would never miss them!

I think you have two sisters as well, correct? Maybe everyone should make sure they do not have three girls into a family! Now I will hope I can get some sleep, it is almost 3 am here and I am sure you can identify with the lost sleep I suffer each night because of the stress of not just the caregiving, but the additional, unnecessary stress caused by sisters selfishness and complete lack of integrity or compassion. Hoping to get some sleep now, you do the same.

Stressed; when mom asks where her family is, maybe telling a little white lie like, oh they are next door and will be here later might be kinder at this point. Talk with the geri psychiatrist about that, and look at some of the articles about dementia on this site. Yes, your mom sounds like memory care might be right for her, but make sure that there is enough money to fund her as a private pay patient; in most states, Medicaid does not cover Memory Care; they will only pay for nursing home care. Find out what the situation is in your state. Try to find the strength to pity your miserable sister. If you can't, just tell her that she's so full of it, that you're on to her and that she doesn't scare you anymore.

Oh and said sister is afraid that if all of Mom's money is spent and she should have to go on Medicaid before she dies, she is afraid that because I am permanently disabled, I would get to keep the house but it would be solely in MY NAME therefore pushing out both sisters. This is why I am sure she is trying to hold on to all of Mom's money....no Medicaid....no loss of her "inheritance!"

I so needed to hear from all of you and needed the support you are giving me on this matter. Between Mom and the dementia and my sister (who has clearly stated she has hated me from the time I was born and will hate me until I die) I have been losing my mind around here! I fought for years to get past my panic and anxiety and now it has come back full force and I am once again fighting to get past it again.

I posted a question to attorneys on Avvo asking them about this situation and they have all come back with basically the same answer, just with a few twists. They state my sister really has no leg to stand on, one attorney stated "I hate to tell your sister this but she has no inheritance, not until your mother passes away is there any inheritance. Another attorney said that as POA I have a fiduciary responsibility to my mother and I would have been in breach of my contract if I DID NOT HIRE IN HOME HELP WHILE I AM TRYING TO RECOVER. I thought I was doing the right thing but when my older sister kept throwing all this crap at me I decided I had better check to make sure.

We have an upcoming doctor appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist who is supposed to be very well known in his field. I was happy to get it, thinking we could get better medication to cover Mom all day long without the ups and downs, combative behavior, verbal abuse and outright anger along with OCD behaviors that cause havoc and me mental anguish each day. Now older sister is saying "you only want medication that will dope Mom up more!" I told her that I needed medication that would quiet her down and keep some of this under control if I am going to continue to care for her, now because she is ticked off at me, she plans on opposing me in front of the new doctor....I see it coming! She is wicked and a b--ch to say the least and she will use my mom to try and get to me, not caring what it does to Mom.

Today Mom tried to express to me that she did not know what was going on anymore, that she just could not get her mind to work right and she did not know why, she was crying. I was hugging her and told her it was alright, I understood and I was here for her. She went on to ask where her momma, sister and brother were. I looked at her and did not know what to say, but i told her they were gone, she looked shocked and said "dead?" I said, "yes" and she broke down sobbing. She lost her father when she was 12. I just kept saying, I am sorry Mom I am sorry! Then she tells me that she thought her Mom was just in the bathroom with her and I had to tell her it was me. Later when she asked where her sister was, I thought okay don't say "gone," so I told her that I did not know where she was right now, but I was sure she would be back....she looked at me and said, "Is she dead?" I had to say "Yes Mom she is."

Today was the worst day I have ever had with her due to these questions and her heart breaking all over again, only now it is like a child, because she is remembering her momma, sister and brother.....not my Dad, so she is in her childhood. This is something brand new and very poignant to her and was breaking my heart for her.

Someone asked how I got roped into giving up my life to care for Mom....I became ill in 1997 with a divorce, seizures and panic and anxiety. My parents moved my daughter and I from my house into theirs to care for us until I got better. I was placed on disability due to the severe panic and anxiety and seizures. A couple years later my aunt became ill and needed care so I was there until her death, then my father became ill and I was there until his death, then my brother in law was ill and I watched him during the day until his death, now I take care of Mom but she is the first with dementia which makes it so much harder. So I have been with Mom caring for her for 8 years, but I have been taking care of everyone else for 17 years. Because I was on disability and at home everyone just thought, "let her do it!" I did not come to this willingly although it was not until Monday night that I told my older sister, that she could quit her job to stay home and care for Mom and the pay by the way, is ZERO!! When she blew up at me that she was not about to do that, I said fine, I will just leave and you two (both sisters) can hire someone to come in and do my job!

I have to say that even though my older sister is a wicked b--ch, I have NEVER SEEN SOMEONE WILL SO MUCH GALL IN MY LIFE TO BASICALLY SIT THERE AND TELL ME THAT BY GOD I WAS GOING TO KEEP DOING THE JOB AND THEY WERE NOT GOING TO ALLOW ME TO SPEND MOMS MONEY FOR CARE BECAUSE SHE NEEDED THAT MONEY WHEN MOM DIES. I SO WISH I HAD THAT CONVERSATION RECORDED BECAUSE IT WAS SO UNBELIEVABLE, EVEN FOR HER!!! AND TO TELL ME TO GET TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND GET MYSELF MEDICATED SO I COULD CONTINUE TO CARE FOR MOM???? REALLY??? WHY THE H**L DON'T YOU???

I wanted to put Mom into a Memory Care Facility because I could no longer handle her and it was making me sick. Both sisters said, "No Mom is not bad enough to go into a Memory Care Facility/Nursing Home, but then neither one of them take care of her every day like I do.

For what I do and what they do, I should walk out of here with EVERYTHING, but no that will never happen, I will walk out sick and changed forever. They keep their jobs and make money daily while I make nothing other than ulcers...where is any of this fair? I guess I need to wake up and realize life isn't fair.

Oh yes the conversation was topped off with said sister telling me that I was jealous of HER! That statement could NOT BE FURTHER FROM TRUTH! Lets see she owes over $100,000 in student loans that began at $20,000, she makes as much as a high school girl would with no experience, her husband divorced her, and her kids have disowned her, she is miserable and likes to make everyone else miserable as well, no one in the family wants to have anything to do with her after Mom dies.....No I do not think this is a person I am jealous of AT ALL!!! She is delusional!!!

Mom's money is for HER care whether that is provided by a family member, agency, or facility. Your sister is the same selfish type as mine. Wants free care so she will benefit from inheritance when mom passes. These attitudes are solely about what the cost will be to siblings if mom is having to pay for care.