My mother came to live with us a few months after my father's death. She does have some dementia, but has always had a lot of paranoia, negativity and "extreme know it allism".
The real issue right now is her negativity. No matter the topic of conversation or the event she finds something negative to the point of bazaar. Her negativity seems to be automatic, and it is there for every subject discussed, every decision made, every purchase no matter how small there is something wrong with the item or brand, every meal, every person she meets or knows is sharply criticized ,no matter how minor or major, she seems to get some sort of sick and perverse pleasure out of ruining every possible opportunity for even the tiniest ray of sunshine.
She is driving our children and grandchildren away with her venom, spoiling every visit. I could give pages of examples in just a 24 hour period. She disagrees with every sentence out of anyone's mouth. She manages to contort everything in a way to find something negative or bad that might come from even the simplest thing.
I thought maybe I was overreacting, so I paid close attention all day today. There was not one single event or topic from 8 AM -9 PM when she went to bed that she did not figuratively dowse with ice water. I know it is not all the dementia she has a look of complete evil satisfaction every time she manages to spoil a happy moment.
It is impossible to ignore. We have all tried to look for ways to give her praise for positive behavior and make her feel needed, loved, and appreciated, she doesn't seem to enjoy positive attention half as much as ruining everyone's good mood. She is sucking the life out of everyone around her. We do know that in most situations she can still associate consequences with behavior. What reward is she finding in doing this to us? How do we discourage this? Any suggestions are appreciated.
P.S. If this is caused by depression we are in a bad position as she will under know circumstances take anti-depressant or anti-anxiety meds.
I had an experience this weekend with pulling out some very nasty thorn vines from our backyard. Ultimately, that back yard will be a garden. But those vines - thick and strong, hurtful, tenacious and treacherous, you could hardly tell which end was the root and which was the shoot going up to the tops of the trees, where they grew leaves and blotted out the sun from them. Once they were cut off at the root and pulled free - sometimes with some damage to the other, better plants they were infesting -THE TREES ACTUALLY STOOD TALLER! The thorn vines had been pulling them downwards and matting them together. The thorns, even on the cut-off vines, went through gloves and scratched me up so I look like I've been in a cat fight; just pulling them down was not enough, they also had to be removed from the yard, and even a splinter removed from my hand. My arms are sore and my body ached from it, and then I found even more that I had missed. And these were just vines - no flowers, not pretty like holly, no fruit. Just parasitic and destructive vines.
As I did the work, my mind came back to here, on this site, where so many have been so hurt through no fault of their own, and how hard it is to remove all that hurt from our lives. The thorn vines will end up dried up, and either burned up or in a landfill. But I'll be OK with maybe a few scars to show for it in a few weeks, and I'll have to watch that none of them grow back, but I WILL have a garden instead of a tangled mess that only inflicts pain.
I am dying inside. I cannot get the hook out! My Mother suffered so much loss but never dealt with any of it, lost a son and grandchildren she adored. Lost her Husband my Father of 44 years. Has no Friends. Has become negative and depressed and has some form of dementia...here is the kicker...she has been so ANGRY at me so nasty I had my brother come from out of state to get her... she just could not live alone anymore but they had other plans...her paranoia won out and they decided to move her out of state behind my back. Now she says she hates me and she will talk to me when she is dead
OMG I am dying inside
advice anyone?
K.S
CHILD ABUSE THAT DID NOT END WHEN ADULTHOOD BEGAN. THE CONTINUING VICTIMIZATION OF GROWN CHILDREN BY THEIR ABUSIVE OR CONTROLLING PARENTS, SIBLINGS, OR FAMILY MEMBERS "
All I can say is simply walk away, leave the room, do not acknowledge the negative remarks and celebrate that despite being raised by such a negative woman you yourself have made a conscious decision not to be like her and instead you have been able to live your life in a positive manner filled with enrichment and satisfaction.
This is what gets me through as I see my sister living the same life my mom did, treating her children the same way and being socially uninvolved and negative 24/7.
Continue being a ray of sunshine.
As far as I remember, fish pee is the least of your worries. W.C. Fields would never even drink water because, he said: "fish f*** in it."
My mom appears to resent my relatively good health, even though she also wants to make use of that health. So she is constantly attempting to undermine my health routines and as an added bonus, keep me from leaving the house. I mustn't walk around the lake because of the bears - there was a bear scare one single year but usually it is safe. It used to be rapists but bears are better. I'm a city slicker; rapists aren't as scary as bears. I mustn't swim in the lake - the fish pee there. So she is really trying to keep me scared in order to make me do what she wants. Her negativity has a purpose. These days it is comical, at least sometimes, but when I was a kid, it wasn't. I was scared rigid of telephones for some reason I can't remember which suited my parents. I wonder what I was told.
I've mentioned to some of my 10 brothers and sisters that I think mom has developed some dementia and/or her meanness is becoming profound, but most of them are not "awake and aware" as I call it and choose to be in denial about it. They say "well I love my mother!" The ones that are the worst are the ones that live far away from her and haven't and won't spend much time with her. They make me out to be hyper critical of her and won't see the truth of her mental demise and personality changes. Our family is so dysfunctional now because of her. I must admit sometimes I wish she would just pass. She could have had the most beautiful family (11 children) but as the matriarch she does not want us all to be close to each other as I think she is afraid we will see her for who she really was as a ignorant mother and remember her bad parenting. When I confronted her recently about some childhood issues that I had never brought up till now (I'm 54), she had an immediate answer for everything like she knew that the day would come when I might confront her and she was prepared....boom, boom, boom with her answers!
Some days I feel a lot of pain because of the way things are and other days I am OK with just living my life with my husband. It's just so sad that there is no continuity of the generations. I miss my family...
Now that the memory and age has come into play she forgets to act nice. I don't know how they can have memory impairment and still remember how to be such master manipulators.
One evening last week my husband and I were sitting outside enjoying a beautiful day, looking at the flowers, birds and beauty of spring. Out comes the black cloud. nitpicking anything she could find, an uneven spot in the yard where a shrub used to be, a few weeds along the fence, a spot or two of peeling paint on the foundation anything to spoil the mood. I said Mom look around and find something pretty to enjoy. The azaleas are in full bloom, the weather is perfect, it's fun to watch the baby squirrels, she immediately finds something ugly to point out for every positive thing I say.
Yesterday my husband and I went out and planted a few flowers and a gorgeous hydrangea. Mom pokes her head out the door just long enough to express her opinion that hydrangea doesn't look good in the place we chose.
I know this sounds petty but she is relentless, just totally refuses to allow a single second of happiness to go uninterrupted by her poison. Our children don't want to bring their kids around, and I don't blame them. She is toxic!
I try so hard to find her positive traits, but it is getting harder and harder as the negativity gets worse. When I lose patience and snap at her for being so negative she turns on the tears. There's no doubt she has dementia, but no problem remembering all of the bad stuff!
Just kill me now.
...TOLERATED BY SOCIETY
...ACCEPTED BY SOCIETY
...CONDONED BY SOCIETY
THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE IN WHICH THE VICTIM IS...
...OPENLY DISCOURAGED FROM STANDING UP FOR HERSELF, TALKING ABOUT IT, OR REVEALING THE ABUSE TO OTHERS
...EXPECTED TO CONTINUE SUFFERING INDEFINITELY
...CRITICIZED FOR TRYING TO PROTECT HERSELF
...JUDGED FOR ESCAPING FROM HER ABUSER
THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE IN WHICH IT IS CONSIDERED OKAY FOR A COMPETENT ADULT TO....
...BE CONTROLLED BY SOMEONE ELSE
...HAVE NO INDEPENDENCE OR RIGHT TO RUN HER OWN LIFE OR MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS
...BE HELD HOSTAGE TO THE WHIMS OR DESIRES OF ANOTHER
...HAVE NO FREEDOM OF CHOICE
CHILD ABUSE THAT DID NOT END WHEN ADULTHOOD BEGAN. THE CONTINUING VICTIMIZATION OF GROWN CHILDREN BY THEIR ABUSIVE OR CONTROLLING PARENTS, SIBLINGS, OR FAMILY MEMBERS .
SILENCE CONDONES ABUSE! THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE !
When Mother begins to speak negative we end her statement with "And thats the way I want it." It is a great tool to make her think of how her negativity is affecting herself and others around her. The second think my husband and I remind each other is that while she is 84 she is now reverting back to a child mentality (sometimes selfish, demanding and I'll do it myself syndrome)...this works for me since I know I am now the parent....Hope this helps
I agree that a lot of this is for the attention. I can't understand why anyone would prefer negative attention over positive, but she looks far more satisfied when she has ruined a happy moment, than when we are praising her for a positive action.
In my entire adult life I have shown nothing but respect for my parents. To me It just does not feel right to argue with a parent once you are an adult. It breaks my heart to be forced into this role. The guilt is horrible when I have to be firm, or show impatience, though I know that for her own good we can't go along with some of her capers.
I am learning that making a firm statement such as "I don't agree" and walking away, or even saying nothing just leaving the room works far better than allowing her the satisfaction of watching me have a melt down.
Thanks again to all who have offered suggestions and allowed me to vent.