My mother is only 62 and is visiting and I did not realize how bad she is. My siblings live near her but set their boundaries on helping her. She is mixing so many meds I don't know what to do. I feel guilty sending her back but in a week she has destroyed my entire home. There are bodily fluids everywhere. She can't get to the bathroom or feed herself. My sisters state that last time ambulance came and took her to hospital that she is of sound mind and its her choice to live on her own. I know I may sound heartless but she has had issues with medications in the past and now feeling like no doctor wants to touch her for liability reasons to actually get the knee surgery she needs. She obviously has weight and joint issues but everytime one issue is solved she claims another. She has been disabled since she was 50 due to bipolar disorder. I'm in tears. I feel bad but know I can't help her. I don't know what I can do, if anything at all.
Unfortunately some do not recover from this event and for others the event is life changing.
Options for your mom at this point if she is willing to transition to Assisted Living facility where someone would help her and manage medications. She would have help with other “ADL’s” ( Activities of Daily Living)
If she needs medical car that is beyond AL staff the option would be Skilled Nursing Facility.
If she refuses all this it is possible to contact APS or her States Elder Abuse hotline she would be evaluated and if it is determined that self care is an issue it may put in motion events that may come to having you or a sibling made her Guardian. If no one wants to do that (and it is a monumental task) she would have a court appointed guardian and be a Ward of the State. No easy choice for you or your siblings.
And you are correct with any mental illness YOU can not help her.
I suggest that you join groups that support those dealing with mental illness in the family. That is where you can get the best advice, and unfortunately, realize your own helplessness. Not everything can be fixed, and this is one of the saddest situation.
What does your mother want to do?
Is it she who feels that 'no doctor wants to touch her' or you?
How much of a problem is her weight?
How long is she expecting to stay with you?
Can you get her any support from home health aides either at your home or at hers?
You did not cause Mum's mental and physical health issues. You are also not responsible for fixing them.
You have not done anything wrong.
Do not entertain for even a minute having Mum move in, no matter what she says.
I would also be taking photos so you have evidence of the toileting issues. Not of Mum's private, but just the mess she is making.
If she is going to stay for a while longer, you need to get her into Depends or another adult absorbent under garment. Get Puppy Pee Pads and put them on every chair that she sits on.
It maybe an idea to have a Needs Assessment done while she is at your home. Where you can explain what she is and is not capable of doing.
I am in Canada and mental health is underfunded. I had a family member in the hospital with a psychotic break this past spring. There are no supports for the family and yet we are expected to provide care once the person was released from hospital.
This has gone way too far and it's time to get the state involved with her care. Sure, you can provide some care, but who is going to take care of you when you get sick from all the stress of trying to manage her life? It's too much. Another thing is that bipolar people can get verbally abusive.
Also, you don't need your home smelling like a toilet trying to manage an individual like this. Is there any reason for the incontinence? Bipolar disorder doesn't cause this. It sounds like she needs to be hospitalized so that her condition is controlled by the proper meds and lab work that is required to gauge how medications are working. It sounds like drug abuse is at play here.
Check with mom's Insurance and see if she qualifies for Home Health.
If your Dad was in the Military, she could qualify for up to 30 hrs a week Home Caregiver help.
You are not trained to help or treat her condition. Your house is not equipped to handle her condition. The result: she destroyed your house in a short time, and she is destroying you.
Be logical. Not emotional. Do not take her in.
If she wants help, she has to agree to go where there is help.
Since she can still make her own decisions, she needs to see her doctor to straighten out her meds, and go live in an AL where she can have help. If she doesn’t go, then she will continue to live in her own mess.
You can not help her. By trying, you only destroy yourself.
62 isn't elderly. Your mother has to take some responsibility for her own health and well-being.
She can't feed herself? I think some of it might be your mother putting on a performance for you by acting worse off than she actually is. She probably wants you to invite her to stay. If she lives alone as you say and cannot feed herself, she'd starve to death.
Your siblings have it right by establishing strong boundaries in their relationship with your mother. You should do the same.
Send her home. Make a call to APS and to the local police department in the town she lives in. The police will make regular welfare checks on her. Good luck.
Aren't the two of overreacting just a little to Bev here? Even if she didn't take care of her father herself and is condescending and sanctimonious, she's not wrong about what goes on in nursing homes. More times than not the basic care like diaper changes isn't even adequate.
"So they remain in a poopy diaper for an hour". Do you actually read what you post PeggySue? Have you even sat in your sh*t for an hour? Try it sometime then let us know if you enjoyed the experience.
Both of you are right that Madishka220 should not take her mother to live with her. From what she says, the woman needs more care and support than she can provide. Don't sing the praises of nursing homes though because we all know how they operate. Some are better than others, but not unless a person is rich.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/common-caregiving-abbreviations-and-acronyms-435589.htm
This is for your other comment which has no reply box under it.
The United States is a great country to live in for many people. I think that pretty much flies for every country. Elderly care in this country is appalling. Child care is too. A person could have worked and saved their whole life like my father did, then within a couple of months be totally bankrupt because all of it has to be handed over to a nursing home before someone can get Medicaid. Homecare for the elderly is a joke too. Care agencies pay their caregivers next to nothing for their service and they will hire anyone. Yet care agencies and families alike expect workers to become nanny-slaves to their elderly loved ones. It's a no-win situation situation for everyone.
My relative is also overweight, due to health problems, meds & poor food choices + seemingly functional decline, especially in the self-care bathroom area.
It seems there is nothing I can do either. She wants to stay 'independant' & continue living alone but is in fact, living *alone, dependantly* as the Social Worker put it.
2 x SWs + 2 x Doctors have all told me 'await the crises' to effect real change.
Welcome to the club ☹