My MIL Sally, keeps telling me that she wants to take care of her own money. This turns into arguments. Sally lives with me and my husband. She has $180 in her tiny little purse that she keeps on her body inside her bra so no one will steal it. She keeps putting it somewhere, losing it, then accusing me of stealing her money. That leads to I want my checkbook, I want my debit card, I want all my money, you’re stealing from me.
Every month her SSI check goes into her account, I simply transferred into my account and paid bills with it. Sally is incapable of handling money. If I show her her bank statement, she will see that all her money is going in and then automatically going out on that same day and then of course the “you’re stealing all my money” argument started over again. The money is basically used to pay mortgage insurance, taxes, food, etc. I tried to explain to her that I’m not buying diamonds, we’re not taking trips to Vegas, we’re not flagrantly spending all your money.
My husband and I had to buy a house to accommodate Sally, so she and her other son Billy, who is mentally disabled come live with us. We emptied our 401k accts to get a down payment for this home. We NEED her $ to help pay for this home. She is belligerent and nasty when the subject of $ comes up. I simply just leave the room when I know that she is going to start another conversation about money. BTW: I am durable POA, so I’m good there.
Any other suggestions?
In my situation, that is a non-starter. My DH would have to be the one handling ALL of this, b/c as an inlaw, you have fewer 'rights' so to speak. I do ALL the banking for our family, DH helps his mother. I would no more have my name on a single acct of hers than fly to the moon.
I'm a big fan of a good eldercare atty. I was shocked by how much we DIDN'T know about our estate when we saw ours to set up our trust.
My mother does her own 'banking' under the watchful eye of my YB who has Financial POA.
Are you Moms payee for SS benefits? This is what I found:
"If you have a rep-payee, they MUST keep your funds separate from their own at all times. In other words, a separate bank account should be maintained specifically for your social security funds. Your funds may never be deposited and held in another person’s bank account."
I also read that as payee records need to be kept and presented to the SSA when requested.
I understand how you are looking at things. You gave up a lot to provide for Mom and BIL but you need to do things correctly or it will come back on you. The SS check is Moms to pay Moms bills and to be used on Mom. Its her money.
This will be the same for your BIL. Does he get Medicaid for medical? If so, you fill out a report for him every year. You keep his money separate, correct? You need to provide bank statements? Do you transfer his money to your acct to pay bills? If you do, I would be surprised that Medicaid allows it without documentation showing where the money goes. I have to do this every year for my nephew.
I guess Mom sold a house to contribute to the one you have now thats why her name is on the new one? Again, this may cause u problems if she ever needs medicaid for LTC. By putting Mom on the deed, she owns part of the house. If she ever needs Medicaid, her portion can have a lean placed on it at her death. Does not matter that her part goes to the other 2, a lean will be put on her 3rd.
I know...OVERWHELMING. We feel we are doing things right, only to find out we haven't been. TG for this forum or I would have made a lot of mistakes concerning Medicaid for LTC.
So now, you need to find a elder lawyer very well versed in Medicaid law. Take the info we have given you and ask questions. There maybe a way to get around things.
Maybe when your MIL starts accusing you of stealing, you can tell her to call _____ (her banker, her CPA, her trusted son/daughter) because that person handles her money and not you. You know nothing about her money.
Hopefully, she will move past this stage soon. In the mean time, it is stressful. I know. You leaving the room is wise when money topic comes up.
Years ago my husband lost his job. He was laid off and it took eight months before he was able to find a suitable job. We had to dip into our savings. It was tough for awhile.
Who knows what could happen in your future? I don’t think I would want to jeopardize anything that would be questioned by Medicaid, especially since your attorney said that could happen.
Hope it all works out for you.
Aug 25, 2020
I feel your pain! I have my MIL to deal with. She is on Medicare and I thought that she wouldn't be able to get Medicaid because she 'makes too much on SS". I was wrong! Call an Elder Lawyer. As it was explained to me: you can get Medicaid by 'going thru the back door' when applying. This Medicaid is to be used ONLY for AL, MC, NH and not for food stamps or cash monthly. I live in Florida and I just got my MIL's Medicaid card in the mail yesterday. Very worth it to look into this. An elder Care Lawyer may be free depending on your financial situation. Also, get a Power Of Attorney, Elder law charged me $150.00 an SOOOO worth it. Good Luck to you.
It would be possible to resolve this by leaving mother’s money in her own account and then transfering money for a proportion of each bill, or a monthly ‘living expenses’ amount. Or you could could tot up the household bills each month and transfer a percentage which you have agreed with her – that might be easier to do. Any method is more trouble, unfortunately. What is easiest depends on how much MIL’s concerns are being a problem to her and to you, and also how many bills are paid a month. At a minimum, you could leave something in her own account, and show her ‘spending money’ being deducted from it. Think about how you could keep a spreadsheet, so that you have at least some record of what is going on.
As Tothill says, your method could be a real problem if MIL eventually needs Medicaid, or if anyone else in the family gets difficult. It’s worth some thought. Regarding her purse, could you get her one with an easy ring clasp to go around her bra strap? It might help her avoid losing it.
If we were in the same room, I could help you set this up. My guess is that you can do bill proportions for mortgage and utilities, which won't change much anyway, and an estimated monthly figure for food and groceries. It's worth putting a bit of thought into it.
I think leaving the room when she starts to get nasty is about the best you can do. Eventually she will move into the next phase and will forget about the money issues.
I would not show her statements as they will confuse her. You MIGHT consider giving her a simplr accounting each month, printed on the computer, of where her funds go:
Mortgage, prescriptions, food, insurance, Billy's care and the like.
"We are spending your money the way you told us to, on your and Billy's care, mom."
Best wishes to you and your family.
You are commingling funds which is a major no no. It does not matter if you are durable POA, her money should not be transferred into your account.
Do you have a caregiver or tenant agreement in place? Who's name is on the property title?