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Well, of course more daughters take care of their parents.... aren't we born knowing how to thread a needle to sew a button?.... how to cook a pot roast?.... how to starch and iron a shirt and pillow cases?... how to use a thermometer to see if someone is running a fever?.... how to grocery shop?....and to be scare silly of bugs? Oh wait a minute, we aren't born knowing all these things.
Parents rarely ask a son to give up his career to become their caregiver... oh no, he has a family to support. Oh I heard that during my corporate career as to why a male was promoted and I wasn't, even if I was more qualified and had higher seniority.... hello, I might have a family to support, too.
I believe in future generations, everyone will be cross-trained and there would be 50-50 in caregiving between the sons and daughters.
I am not at all surprised by these findings. Women are the "silent majority" of caregivers at both ends: taking care of children and then taking care of elderly parents. The U.S. is woefully behind in recognizing the contribution that caregivers make. In some countries, caregivers are paid or at least they are given retirement funds for their work. I can only speak from experience. In my family the "women folk" are expected to do all the dirty work of caregiving. If a family has all sons, then it is up to the daughter-in-law. If there are no daughters-in-law, then the parents are shipped off to a NH ASAP. My brother pops in and out whenever it is convenient for him. And yes, as much as I know that Mom is getting better care being here, I do resent having to shoulder all the repsonibility. There are all these "hidden" aspects of caregiving that a non-caregiver may never see (or does not want to see.) There is the stress of having to make medical decisions for someone else, the midnight phone calls or trips to the ER, having to advocate for someone in the medical system, navigating endless paperwork and forms, being on call 24/7/365. Most of us never get a thank you from other family members - in fact, we get grief, suspicion, and indifference. My favorite line is "well, men are just not natural caregivers." Well if there was money to be had, men would jump at the chance. Maybe the answer is for all women reading this post right now, who are raising sons, to educate them in caregiving in the same way we educate daughters. All children should be responsible for elder caregiving. Women just take on too much. In the past, when women did not work outside the home, caregiving MAY have been easier. However, in 2010, women hold down a full time job, take care of their children (and sometimes, grandchildren), take care of aging parents, and fail miserably at taking care of ourselves. Personally, I cannot do this much longer...... thanks Pirategirl, for posting this information. Lilli
I think that in every family the caregiving falls to the one who does not have the heart to look away. In my family, it was my Mom and a few of her sisters. My grandmother was so pushy and self-centered. But to this day, Mom thinks her mother was a saint. When I asked why she took grandma in, she said, "because I loved her." And I know she means it. If I did not step in with my Mom I know for a fact that my sib would have just looked the other way or slapped her in the nearest facility, even though she is in relatively good health. Although, my Mom is SO much easier to deal with, she still just thinks of me as the unpaid help. Her needs come first (in her mind) and my life is secondary. I had to learn to pace myself and do the things that she really needs first. Somedays I do not really know how I am going to continue - so I just take it one day at a time. It would be soooo much easier if everyone in the family just gave a little bit of their time to help. No one would feel overburdened and everyone would benefit. I cannot imagine how a child could just decide not to participate in caring for his or her parent. I wonder what would become of my Mom if I didn't exist. I overheard my Mother tell one of her nurses recently, "if it wasn't for my daughter I would not be here today." Of course, she would never say that to me :o) Peace to all caregiver daughters today, Lilli
Andrea 22 ... reread your first sentence ... in the the title. Oops! You typed "the" twice. I guess everyone makes mistakes. But, nonetheless, thanks for the english lesson. :-)
Simple. Caregiving is supposedly womens' work. Men are out earning a living doing meaningful work, right? This expectation is out of date, no longer relevant, and stupid.
The other half of the problem is that a lot of women automatically say Yes to caregiving, forfeiting everything else to satisfy some kind of expectation said or unsaid.
There needs to be more help for caregivers regardless of gender, situation, and circumstances so that those who want to do it can without giving up their life's earnings, and for those who know they shouldn't withouth giving up their life's savings. The whole system is broken if you ask me.
Many sons take care of their parents as they age and do a great job. Many females do it as many families have at least one child that is a control freak and then she usually/sometimes a he complains about having to do it all the while using the situation to their own benefit. Many sons are prevented from helping their own parents as they are married to control freaks that think their parents are the only parents. As females let's do the right thing and stop the male bashing.
Ah yes, the "character" of Alison....as created by Chauser. However, Country Mouse, I do not think she can be seen as a feminist fighting for the rights of women in her day. More like fighting for power Over man...emphasis on use of sex as a technique for doing this. Not sure most women would identify with her back then or today. We do have choices today in our society; however, there are still those who feel put upon by their families to care for their aging parents, particularly the women in the family. They can choose to do so or not; their reasons are their own. I think my aunt said it best when she decided it would be better not to even put her family members in that position in the first place and to just plan or her own care. But lots of folks don't have that option. Thanks for your insights.
Or it could be simpler than all that. It may be that sons are considered socially higher than daughters, so sons aren't expected to do the lowly tasks.
AND another example, and I don't know why I didn't think of this first: Only Niece and Nephew 3, siblings, educated at the same school, same grades, same degree at the same university (I deplored the lack of imagination, there, but that's another story) - both went for interview at the same management consultancy firm. She was unsuccessful, he was appointed. She was livid, but that too is another story.
All is well, I am glad to say, because I am fond of both of them. He is now a Management Consultant, and she is an extremely successful teacher making rapid strides in her professional career. Both now have Masters Degrees, too.
So she spends her days developing potential in the young. She will already have dragged, pushed and coaxed upwards of 500 disadvantaged young people towards achievements they didn't know were possible.
He, by contrast, goes forth to tell companies with more money than sense how to make their businesses even more profitable, which quite frankly they should have been able to work out for themselves if they'd stuck to their business and not diversified into mysterious waters. He spends his days in meetings, or at lunch.
And guess which one is paid twice as much as the other?
Neither, however, is of a temperament that is likely to make the thought of giving up their careers for anybody more than a whimsical little joke, so I'm rather off topic. But there it is: a crashing example of weird values in society. They want looking at anew, I think.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Parents rarely ask a son to give up his career to become their caregiver... oh no, he has a family to support. Oh I heard that during my corporate career as to why a male was promoted and I wasn't, even if I was more qualified and had higher seniority.... hello, I might have a family to support, too.
I believe in future generations, everyone will be cross-trained and there would be 50-50 in caregiving between the sons and daughters.
I can only speak from experience. In my family the "women folk" are expected to do all the dirty work of caregiving. If a family has all sons, then it is up to the daughter-in-law. If there are no daughters-in-law, then the parents are shipped off to a NH ASAP. My brother pops in and out whenever it is convenient for him. And yes, as much as I know that Mom is getting better care being here, I do resent having to shoulder all the repsonibility.
There are all these "hidden" aspects of caregiving that a non-caregiver may never see (or does not want to see.) There is the stress of having to make medical decisions for someone else, the midnight phone calls or trips to the ER, having to advocate for someone in the medical system, navigating endless paperwork and forms, being on call 24/7/365. Most of us never get a thank you from other family members - in fact, we get grief, suspicion, and indifference. My favorite line is "well, men are just not natural caregivers." Well if there was money to be had, men would jump at the chance.
Maybe the answer is for all women reading this post right now, who are raising sons, to educate them in caregiving in the same way we educate daughters. All children should be responsible for elder caregiving.
Women just take on too much. In the past, when women did not work outside the home, caregiving MAY have been easier. However, in 2010, women hold down a full time job, take care of their children (and sometimes, grandchildren), take care of aging parents, and fail miserably at taking care of ourselves.
Personally, I cannot do this much longer......
thanks Pirategirl, for posting this information.
Lilli
Although, my Mom is SO much easier to deal with, she still just thinks of me as the unpaid help. Her needs come first (in her mind) and my life is secondary. I had to learn to pace myself and do the things that she really needs first. Somedays I do not really know how I am going to continue - so I just take it one day at a time. It would be soooo much easier if everyone in the family just gave a little bit of their time to help. No one would feel overburdened and everyone would benefit.
I cannot imagine how a child could just decide not to participate in caring for his or her parent. I wonder what would become of my Mom if I didn't exist. I overheard my Mother tell one of her nurses recently, "if it wasn't for my daughter I would not be here today." Of course, she would never say that to me :o)
Peace to all caregiver daughters today,
Lilli
The other half of the problem is that a lot of women automatically say Yes to caregiving, forfeiting everything else to satisfy some kind of expectation said or unsaid.
There needs to be more help for caregivers regardless of gender, situation, and circumstances so that those who want to do it can without giving up their life's earnings, and for those who know they shouldn't withouth giving up their life's savings. The whole system is broken if you ask me.
We do have choices today in our society; however, there are still those who feel put upon by their families to care for their aging parents, particularly the women in the family. They can choose to do so or not; their reasons are their own. I think my aunt said it best when she decided it would be better not to even put her family members in that position in the first place and to just plan or her own care. But lots of folks don't have that option. Thanks for your insights.
All is well, I am glad to say, because I am fond of both of them. He is now a Management Consultant, and she is an extremely successful teacher making rapid strides in her professional career. Both now have Masters Degrees, too.
So she spends her days developing potential in the young. She will already have dragged, pushed and coaxed upwards of 500 disadvantaged young people towards achievements they didn't know were possible.
He, by contrast, goes forth to tell companies with more money than sense how to make their businesses even more profitable, which quite frankly they should have been able to work out for themselves if they'd stuck to their business and not diversified into mysterious waters. He spends his days in meetings, or at lunch.
And guess which one is paid twice as much as the other?
Neither, however, is of a temperament that is likely to make the thought of giving up their careers for anybody more than a whimsical little joke, so I'm rather off topic. But there it is: a crashing example of weird values in society. They want looking at anew, I think.
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