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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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As in nasty names? Your mother has dementia, right? People with dementia often say strange things and exhibit explainable emotions. And often forget what has happened minutes ago. So this sounds about par for the course. Is this new behavior? Sometimes behavioral changes come and go. Someone may go through a paranoia phase or an angry period, etc.
Don't take the name-calling personally. It is the dementia, not your mother.
Yep my mom used to curse me out in her last year and use words I never knew that my tiny petite mother even heard of. Don't take it personally, it's just the disease.
Since I had my very first UTI. I never knew anything about the infection. I was hospitalized as I was that confused. My kids won't tell me everything so it must have been bad. Could be just the disease but it's only a urine check and worth it to know.
My mom has been trying to make my brother leave the house for 3 years now, says he is mean and horrible and she wants him to go. Then she baits him into becoming angry and tells him she doesn't want him and never did. Which of course isn't true (any of it). Dad sits across the room and counters with "I want him and I want him to stay, we need his help here silly woman!!" He has become the target of her fear and confusion with the dementia. He lives there and takes care of both of them full time and I live 500 miles away so my main supports is to manage the financials and legal stuff while he does the day to day stuff. Somehow, I have become the saving grace and angel child at least for now. My mother too has let loose some serious curse words that used to get us slapped real fast! Between that and mean comments to my brother and father too lately we know it is the disease and not our mom but it's still hard to NOT take personally. We usually say something like "Wow you sure sound frustrated! What can I do to help?" and sometimes that diffuses things a bit. Other times we will ask for a hug. She loves to give and receive hugs and that distracts her for a moment and lets her know she is safe with us and loved. Mom also got frustrated if we sounded condescending or if she perceived she was being TOLD what to do, rather than asked. She resents being treated as a child and doesn't realize she is acting like one. Sometimes we just say sorry and move on too but that isn't easy either. On occasion we will ask her why she is calling us names like that and she then denies saying it. Makes it easier if we know she doesn't realize what she is saying rather than assuming she is being mean spirited. Best of luck, I hope that the phase is shorter lived for you than for us!!
It seems that there is a stage of dementia like TERRITS SYNDRUM where people involuntarily say inappropriate words such as swear words etc - my mom will say AMEN all the time especially when I push her wheelchair, so it is hard to talk, but she feels she should say something so it is her go to word to say ... sometimes repeatedly
Like other stages it will pass - just hope the next is less stressing - meanwhile become a duck & let it roll off your back
Moecam--I assume you are referring to Tourette's syndrome, which can affect people of any age. There are videos of camps for teenagers afflicted with this, but not all of them use profanity. In my mother's nursing home is a somewhat younger woman who constantly shouts "Die" apparently in response to some creature she imagines hiding under the bed (from what I've been told). She uses racial slurs toward the staff and some residents. One day she yelled "you're ugly" when I walked by, so I said "thanks; that's the only compliment I've received all day" which seemed to quiet her down.
Wouldn't it be nice if the worst thing ALL these people said was "amen"?
I guess we have the alternate scenario going on: Mother is going downhill slowly, but obviously. She is getting NICER. I wish this is the mother who'd raised me. When the brain begins to "harden" so to speak, various areas are affected. With dementia, you really never know what's going on in there. Mother bounces from one subject to another like a grasshopper. She can't remember much of anything that didn't happen yesterday or today.
My granddad (quietest, sweetest man on earth) did become foul mouthed as he succumbed to dementia. Poor grandma! She spent so much time apologizing for what he had just said--but we all knew that wasn't really him. Try to let this roll off your back---she doesn't really mean it. It's the illness that's speaking, not mom. And don't hang on to the bad memories, once she's gone. Her filter is going--or is gone. She's just saying whatever enters her head. We ALL have filthy language floating around in there, don't we?
I guess 'amen' isn't worst thing but I am an atheist so it bugs me .. LOL -
I think of each of us as like a book & each page is part of us but some get ripped out leaving gaps - some of those gaps are memory, civil behavior according to our society, facial recognition, speaking, and so on -
As dementia continues more pages are removed but despite this there is still the cover [which I think of as the body] with its title [person's name] and author [person's family] - that cover stays & doesn't change much ... maybe just a little more worn but it is still the same book -
You know it is not the fault of the book that it is loosing pages - you know you can't fix it so just enjoy it as it is now while cherishing what it used to be
I find this is the best way to handle dementia for myself & hope it helps others
If you are the type of person who can just brush this off due to dementia that she obviously has, then that is wonderful. And if it works for you, then keep doing it. But if you are a person who is sensitive and highly stressed by taking care of her (and I know many of you will hate me for saying this), then tell her off and make her be quiet and behave. You have to get very tough and firm - and it works. That way your level of stress will be lowered because you are releasing your feelings. She, with dementia, will completely forget you said anything but in the meantime you have made her tolerable to have around you. Don't take the horrible insults - it will depress you and upset you - so put an immediate stop to it.
All great answers and suggestions. As my brother's caregiver I was told that as his ALZ progressed and brain lobes were affected, changes would occur, one being the filtering area, so saying what one wants becomes part of the new normal. I was also advised that past personality traits would magnify, that's an old memory not going anywhere. My brother when well was angry, his actions and words could bring one to tears. He was stubborn and able to stay mad forever. I often wonder why, what went so wrong? When he was diagnosed 6 years ago, we cried together, embraced, me promising to be there for him. The next day, he awoke with a vengeance, the start of the roller coaster ride. Did I not hear professionals' words that day? Was my grasping for knowledge useless? I've learned one must be focused and strong, not a sissy. Mean words and/or threats are hurtful and scary and you have to keep your guard up for a "just in case" moment. A less is better is sometimes best, yet hard to always remember. Bite your tongue, walk away, nothing wrong with a "time out" for you. Take care of you! God Bless
I agree, it's the Dementia. I'm my husband's second wife and when he would sometimes call me Carrie ,( which is not my name ) I'd smile and say " Oh ,she's the other woman you're running around with behind my back ! " It would make him laugh . On a serious note ,don't take it personal . In Dementia as well as Alzheimer's you'll find a little bit of humor in both if you learn to keep an open mind.Just thank God you can talk to your mom. Go back in her world and try to have her relate to something funny that the two of you shared. I do it all the time with my husband. I'll say ," Do you remember when ........ " and he'll smile .By the way , God sees you going through this , you're not alone .None of us are .Be blessed...And remember " But for the Grace of God ......."
I feel for you! I truly do! My mother called me "Hitler" because I told you that she must take her meds. Really?? I said, "Mother, Hitler killed 6 million persons." I was so angry.
Riley2166, I agree with you. For those of us who don't want to do caregiving, it probably means that we are more susceptible to the stress. I have poor self-esteem, and the last thing I need is my mother reinforcing it with abusive language.
Baxterri, there is really nothing you can do to stop this type of behavior, except maybe try and have a sense of humor about it. That's what my dad and I did when my mom had Alz. She went through a really bad stage of being angry, physically and verbally abusive (watch out for canes, walkers and any sharp object). But, as most on here will tell you, it's the disease not the person you used to know. On days when she was really angry and mean, we would keep a list of the names we were called and see who won for the day. It helped us keep things in perspective. As the disease progressed she passed through that stage and declined to a new stage, which had it's own issues. Eventually she succumbed to the disease. Now it's my dad and I living together and the bond we formed caring for her is now a blessing. Thank God he has all of his faculties (he's 88) and we help each other. Sometimes we even laugh about the things we were called and remember being chased with the cane! But we are in a good place because we know that before the disease she was a wonderful strong-willed woman and that is whom we remember her as. Blessings to you, LindaZ (or the hessliche weib) (the horrible woman)
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Don't take the name-calling personally. It is the dementia, not your mother.
Like other stages it will pass - just hope the next is less stressing - meanwhile become a duck & let it roll off your back
Wouldn't it be nice if the worst thing ALL these people said was "amen"?
When the brain begins to "harden" so to speak, various areas are affected. With dementia, you really never know what's going on in there. Mother bounces from one subject to another like a grasshopper. She can't remember much of anything that didn't happen yesterday or today.
My granddad (quietest, sweetest man on earth) did become foul mouthed as he succumbed to dementia. Poor grandma! She spent so much time apologizing for what he had just said--but we all knew that wasn't really him.
Try to let this roll off your back---she doesn't really mean it. It's the illness that's speaking, not mom. And don't hang on to the bad memories, once she's gone. Her filter is going--or is gone. She's just saying whatever enters her head. We ALL have filthy language floating around in there, don't we?
I think of each of us as like a book & each page is part of us but some get ripped out leaving gaps - some of those gaps are memory, civil behavior according to our society, facial recognition, speaking, and so on -
As dementia continues more pages are removed but despite this there is still the cover [which I think of as the body] with its title [person's name] and author [person's family] - that cover stays & doesn't change much ... maybe just a little more worn but it is still the same book -
You know it is not the fault of the book that it is loosing pages - you know you can't fix it so just enjoy it as it is now while cherishing what it used to be
I find this is the best way to handle dementia for myself & hope it helps others