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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I think she gets mad at you although you are doing everything because frankly she knows you will put up with it and does not worry that you will abandon her.
Has your mother always been that way or has this only taken place recently?
Know these three things. 1. You did not make your mother the way she is. 2. You can't fix how she is. 3. You can't control how she is. The only thing that any of us can do is to chose a healthy path for us to walk on and if others join us fine or if they do not join us fine.
Today after the dr appt and we were on the way home, my mom got very mean and kept trying to pick a fight. Of course I took the bait and argued right back. Later I thought that while I was still fuming over our argument, she had probably forgotten it and was as happy as a clam. I think she is extra mean to me because she knows I will take it, where as my sister will tell her to be quiet. She thinks my sister hung the moon! That hurts. I'm going with the fact that maybe she is naturally frustrated and needs to vent and knows I will not leave her. I just need to learn not to take the bait and just smile and let her have her tantrum. It is freaking hard too. Good luck. Karen
It could be that you are a co dependent like me! I think that in many families there is one child that is naturally a caring person, or very competent and this child gets everything dumped on him or her. 1. You could wear ear plugs so you won't hear the fussing. 2. Just walk away when she starts to rant. She doesn't need an audience. Tell her you are trying to help and then leave the situation.
Mothers who hurt their adult daughters who also hurt them as children do not love them. Mother's with personality disorders like borderline and narcisssm do not hurt the ones they love the most because they don't know what love is, they hurt the ones who are the easiest targets to control with fear, obligation and guilt. Being a good daughter does not mean having to put up with abuse from a parent anymore than being a good wife means putting up with abuse from a husband. Being a good daughter does not mean sacrificing yourself and ___ on the altar of almighty mom or dad for neither one are God although they might think God died and left them in charge. Don't put up with their abuse and religious, spiritual terrorism if they used that shame and guilt game.
I was quite honest with my mom & one day on the way back from the doc I explained that the reason folks avoided her was because no one likes being manipulated and used. She totally denied any wrong doing & said "I don't do any of the terrible things you accuse me of". I said "OK mom whatever you say". The subject was dropped but she has been respectful and considerate since that day. Seems as though as long as she doesn't have to admit or appologize I can get through to her. That's fine with me. I don't need an appology but I can use a little cooperation & if this does it then so be it. Hope this helped.
I wish I had an answer but it happens -my husband treated me so bad and was so dependent on me -I had to learn not to be drawn in by his sickness and at times let him have it in spads but the thing that worked best was to seperate myself to another part of the house. Now with my mother she reduces me to tears and have to just let her anger go in one ear and out the other I can not argue with her due to her age and I am not her main caregiver but do help out she is much nicer to my sister who lives closest to her. I wish I had a good answer but just try different things and so what works best for you realizing that another sibling may have a different aproach you can tell yourself I do not deserve to be treated like this until you believe it yourself-it took me meny years to learn how to deal with the husband but finally got it under control before he died. Coulsuling may help it would help you feel that it is not you with the problem-I hope other can tell you what works for them as Dr. Phil asks how is that working for you you will learn maybe how to manage and that may be the best you can do-it hurts esp. when you see them be SO nice to others it is not fair but as I told my daughter when she was little life is not fair -keep comming here venting does help.
It's the one who's always there who is the victim of a parent's criticism; she knows you'll be back for more. She doesn't want to jeopardize relationships that aren't as secure, and so presents her sunny side to all but you. That makes your position even harder, because unless someone has witnessed your mom's rage, whatever you say is perceived to be an exageration at best. Try backing off for awhile. Unless you absolutely need to be with her all the time, take time for yourself...do something that makes you happy, even if it's just a walk around the block. Give her time to think about how much you actually do for her. She might not acknowledge her need for and appreciation of your help, but she might be a little more mellow....for a while anyway! Good luck!
While you can't force someone with depression to take their meds anymore than people with bipolar who stop because of missing the mania, there are some suggested ideas but I can only remember one of them, i.e. "Do you remember what took place the last time you stopped taking your anti-depressant?"
People with any family member who has a mental illness or a personality disorder like borderline PD would benefit greatly from the free family to family course offered by NAMI affiliates possibly in your own county. Go to NAMI.org and look for an affiliate in your state. NAMI stands for National Alliance for Mental Illness.
Those with her worshipfulness queen bee mommy dearest chameleon type mom who is such a gracious lady to everyone else, but then an unholy wicked witch from the west with the rest just may have been in a relationship with someone that has an undiagnosed case of narcissism or borderline.
Boundaries are needed in every area of life to function well. I would suggest everyone on this site read the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend for there is a chapter about marital boundaries and taking care of elderly parents.
Another reason one child gets the anger/rage game is that they were chosen by mom years ago to have emotional buttons of Fear, Obligation and Guilt wired in that child for life. When mom pushes the button the adult child has like an auto reflex reaction and gears down emotionally back to being mommy's little girl or little boy all over again and mommy dearest's request is seen as one of God's commandments and on they go with blinders on very often with a wide and long wake of collateral damage behind them when they don't wake up out of the F.O.G. in time. The path to the dark side of parent/child relationships is Fear, Obligation and Guilt which results in great pain and suffering for many. The path to the healthy side of parent/child relationships is boundaries, mutual respect, correct recognition of being unique individuals unlike my MIL who told my wife "you are me", and functioning as the adult child of a mom or dad despite their wanting their little girl or little boy once again.
Hi I have been taking care of my mom for 10 years and lately; intensely for 10 months. I've been called every name in the book! I know it's hurtful, but I am told: first of all, you are supposed to be the daughter and she hasn't accepted (and maybe never will) that you are taking care of her, not the other way around. Second, she may be getting a little dementia? or some other illness that is frustrating her. Third, I have noticed that in many families there is a dynamic between mothers and daughters that always has been there. I am not saying that you have this with your mother; but maybe there is....? Fourth, my mother got physical with me (hitting, spitting) no real bodily harm but I wasn't going to take it. So, without retaliating; I contact Adult Protective Services and kept them apprised of my situation and got some helpful advice from them. Never hit back though! I hope you know that people do hurt the ones they LOVE the most :-(
I am learning not to let my Mom get to me this last visit she did not bring me to tears as the other times and I just avoid her as much as I can it is too late to change her at 91.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Has your mother always been that way or has this only taken place recently?
Know these three things. 1. You did not make your mother the way she is. 2. You can't fix how she is. 3. You can't control how she is. The only thing that any of us can do is to chose a healthy path for us to walk on and if others join us fine or if they do not join us fine.
2. Just walk away when she starts to rant. She doesn't need an audience. Tell her you are trying to help and then leave the situation.
Hope this helped.
Give her time to think about how much you actually do for her. She might not acknowledge her need for and appreciation of your help, but she might be a little more mellow....for a while anyway! Good luck!
People with any family member who has a mental illness or a personality disorder like borderline PD would benefit greatly from the free family to family course offered by NAMI affiliates possibly in your own county. Go to NAMI.org and look for an affiliate in your state. NAMI stands for National Alliance for Mental Illness.
Those with her worshipfulness queen bee mommy dearest chameleon type mom who is such a gracious lady to everyone else, but then an unholy wicked witch from the west with the rest just may have been in a relationship with someone that has an undiagnosed case of narcissism or borderline.
Boundaries are needed in every area of life to function well. I would suggest everyone on this site read the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend for there is a chapter about marital boundaries and taking care of elderly parents.
Another reason one child gets the anger/rage game is that they were chosen by mom years ago to have emotional buttons of Fear, Obligation and Guilt wired in that child for life. When mom pushes the button the adult child has like an auto reflex reaction and gears down emotionally back to being mommy's little girl or little boy all over again and mommy dearest's request is seen as one of God's commandments and on they go with blinders on very often with a wide and long wake of collateral damage behind them when they don't wake up out of the F.O.G. in time. The path to the dark side of parent/child relationships is Fear, Obligation and Guilt which results in great pain and suffering for many. The path to the healthy side of parent/child relationships is boundaries, mutual respect, correct recognition of being unique individuals unlike my MIL who told my wife "you are me", and functioning as the adult child of a mom or dad despite their wanting their little girl or little boy once again.
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