She is very aggressive towards me at 89 and I am at wit's end. I try to just let her rant but she won't let it go and I unfortunately respond back. I feel attacked and my own emotional well being is at risk. I have considered moving out of MY house to get away from her but I can't afford it. It's only getting worse and I have given up on the idea that maybe some day she would realize that it's not even feasible as she and my father in law are always in their living space in our basement and it's impossible for me to do everything she claims. Can someone tell me the progression of this problem? My whole life has been affected. Even though I know others experience the same thing, I'm just not sure I can continue to "handle" it. There's even been nights when we locked our bedroom door... for fear of what she might be capable of.
Any chance of your in-laws moving to a continuing care facility where there are workers who know exactly what to do in situations like this, and know what the next phases will be? There is no way in the future that you could be BOTH their caregiver 168 hours a week, unless you hire people to come in to help.
Look into memory care, assisted living and any other sort of care facilities in your area. Dementia is not a diy illness. And get your husband to read the threads on this board pertaining to in home care of dementia patients.
https://www.agingcare.com/Alzheimers-Dementia
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Stages-of-Alzheimers-disease-118964.htm
Sometimes people with dementia go through phases where they are difficult. When we're lucky the phases don't last and our loved one becomes easier to deal with. Sometimes they become more difficult. We never know what is going to happen. If the quality of your life is becoming low, you should talk to your husband about finding his parents another place to live. There are many options out there.
I don't know how your MIL would respond to a little humor. Around here I blame the mysterious happenings on the gremlins. It is easier to say, "Oh, it must be those gremlins again" than it is to get into an argument about things.
Maybe your MIL has dementia, but not the Alzheimer's type. Or maybe she does have some other kind of mental illness. We sure can't diagnose her over the internet! But it would be extremely useful to have a more specific idea of the nature of her problems. I hope you can take her to a specialist and have her evaluated.
I agree with those who have suggested this is a good time to look into other residential solutions for your in-laws.
Where is your husband in this caregiving scenario that has you so upset?