She refuses to bathe even though we put in a walk in tub. She wont let anyone help her. She used to take sponge baths but can no longer stand long enough to do it herself. She wont wash her hair or pay for it to be done regularly. She is hiding food in her room. The stench between her and her dog coming from her room is filling the house and she wont let anyone in to clean. I refuse to have company because of the smell. I had no close relationship with her before she moved in and I am having a very hard time coping.
Me: "Mum, I feel awkward bringing this up but there is a bad smell that comes from not bathing, and it's getting worse."
Mum: "Oh, I can't smell anything, really?"
Me: "Yes Mum, really. I've talked to your doctor about it because I was too embarrassed to bring this up with you. He said so was he, so I'd have to be the one. He said there are health issues that are a concern when you don't bath."
Mum: "Like what?"
Me: "Like your anal and perineal skin breaking down or getting infected."
Mum: "Oh."
Me: "Also, we can smell the odors all the way throughout the second floor."
Mum: "Oh."
Me: "Do you need help bathing?"
Mum (after a lot of discussion about the logistics): "Yes."
I helped my MIL for five years (she died at 100). Although it won't be this way for everyone, it brought us incredibly close. She even developed a sense of humor about bathing time -- "Time to clean the elephant" (elephants were her favorite animal). We'd laugh and cry and just appreciate human existance.
I do not believe everyone would be so lucky. When a person refuses a reasonable request, they are no longer rational. Your MIL sounds irrational. If you cannot speak with her to at least set your limits, then you are accommodating to an irrational person -- not good. Perhaps enlist the company of another sympathetic person (her doc?) or even your husband (it is HIS mother). Or even Adult Protective Services. I am so sorry you have to experience this, but working through it is like learning to swim when you really don't want to. It sounds like you and your husband have tried to accommodate to her needs thus far. You and your husband have been commendable in your attempt to be kind. Now being kind forces you to tackle more emotionally difficult issues. Keep heart, you will know what to do if MIL remains unreasonable.
Equinox
It may be trying to protect your MIL when it's being aggressive. It might not be aggressive if it's away from your MIL (on a walk for example) and if it's with someone who likes dogs. They're very intuitive (like cats) about who likes them and who doesn't. Could you afford puppy pee pads, that are made for dogs to use to go inside? They have some kind of bottom coating so they don't ruin your carpets or flooring.
If MIL balks, let husband reason with her that this is how it has to be for the benefit and healthy living conditions that affect the whole family.
If you can afford it, or mom is contributing to expenses, splurge on a cleaning service for your home, or at least her room weekly.
I would not allow her to have any food in her room period.
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