She is the primary care-giver for her 90 yr old husband who has signs of dementia/memory loss and they live on their own with no care. They are unwilling to explore any alternatives such as assisted living or to have care givers come in, and she has become increasingly angry, frustrated and mean towards him and us. We recently tried to set boundaries regarding our own involvement if she is not going to accept any help for herself as we feel sucked into a vortex of emotional manipulation and drama. She says she's 'sharing feelings', but it is much more than that, and there is no reasoning with her. Her memory and other skills are good, but is there a form of emotional dementia that could be impairing her ability to understand situations and the impact she has on others?
That's one h*ll of a task. I wish I had some good suggestions but I do know that fierce independence can be a formidable barrier. At 95 my father still believes he can do things he shouldn't be doing and takes risks that send shivers up my spine. But I'm trying to rethink my own approach so that I can find ways to enable him to go forward safely, reassure him that he still can do it but that it's a good idea to have help, or that he can share his acquired wisdom with others who would like to learn how to handle some the tasks he wants to undertake himself.
Wish I had some good answers for these situations.
Could you possibly get MIL away for a nice lunch or dinner, just to give her some relaxation time? Perhaps say that one of the family would like some time with her, and someone else would like to spend time with FIL?
Or possibly think up some approach to her that will ENABLE them to keep their independence but still accept help?
I think pride is one of the main factors here, and somehow MIL has to be convinced that taking action and accepting help will be just as rewarding and a tribute to her stewardship as resisting. In fact, it does take a lot to recognize that someone needs help and accept that help.
Good luck with these efforts.
Please keep us posted.
Sharon
Do you have any other relatives in that age group who could visit and casually direct the conversation to the subject of getting help to supplement, not replace, what your GM is going?
I think the key might be to convince her that this is a different era, there is help, she doesn't have to do it alone and it's better if she doesn't. But I'm not sure how to do it.
That generation is a lot different than contemporary generations. I know - my father is from that era. He'll accept help, but limited help. I'm still working on getting him to accept household assistance.
He'll accept medical assistance though. Perhaps that's what you could try, if you can get either of them to see a doctor who could order home care. That's something that GM can't provide, unless she's a nurse. Sometimes medical people can persuade when family can not.
Authority figures can make the difference.
It is tough, but doing nothing is certainly not going to help their situation. The old say, "It is easier to get forgiveness than permission." Good luck!
There is a huge amount of detaching that we have to do. Realizing what we're unable to change, and accepting the limits. It's extremely difficult and painful, but if you realize what you can and can't change, you'll save your sanity.
Can you get her to a doctor for examination to determine if there is some element of dementia, or if there are other physical issues?
This sounds like a tough situation.