Hi. My wife passed away in March of 2015. I am still close to her side of the family and will talk to her mother every couple of weeks. Today, my brother-in-law (my wife's brother) called me to tell me that my mother-in-law told him that I told her I am divorcing myself from that side of the family, no longer want to see her and am going to bars looking for a new wife. I never said anything of the sort. This is coming right out of the blue. I have always been cordial to her.
I have to admit that I limit my visits because she always talks about depressing subjects and repeats herself constantly. I know her accusing me is the dementia talking but I'm not quite sure how to handle it.
In psychology, confabulation (verb: confabulate) is a memory disturbance, defined as the production of fabricated, distorted or misinterpreted memories about oneself or the world, without the conscious intention to deceive.
Key factors in confabulations are there is no intent to deceive, second the person being unaware that the information is blatantly false.
Be aware confabulating is distinct from lying.
Confabulations are a major annoyance and can be dangerous— when we the take everything in a discussion at face value. Confabulating is very frequently observed in people with Alzheimer’s.
Confabulating is distinct from lying because there is no intent to deceive, and the person being unaware that the information is blatantly false. Carers challenge: is what they say true?
It is difficult for everyone to accept a mind is damaged by Alzheimer's Disease.
Not only is memory damaged their ability to process thoughts and conversations is impaired.
Understand the similarities between confabulation and delusions; e.g., both involve the production of unintentional false statements, both are resistant to contradictory evidence.
Recognize the difference between confabulations and delusions that are frequently observed in Alzheimer’s patients include beliefs about theft, the patient’s house not being his home, a spouse, is an impostor, belief an intruder is in the house, abandonment, spousal infidelity, and paranoia.
An aide/caregiver must understand the individual has Alzheimer's Disease, be aware of the danger, and treat the person with patience. Also, Confabulation is common.
Conversing with someone who has Alzheimer's is often like talking with your cat. Acknowledge, respond, be affectionate, develop boundless patience. Forget about rational responses.
40 years later, my husband tells me it's up to ME to mend the relationship--mind you he has NEVER ONCE stood up for me or called her on her lies. He has a very limited relationship with his mom. ALL gifts, remembrances of holidays, birthdays and mother's day have been my doing and he delivers them, or she makes a fuss about what "my son" gave her. No thanks to me. She hasn't noticed my birthday, Christmas checks are given to my husband, made out to him...the list goes on.
8 years ago, when my hubby was undergoing a brutal chemotherapy regimen and I was working 40+ hrs per week AND taking care of hubby, our home and a foster child, MIL called me up and said she couldn't handle the stress of having me in her life so she "opted out" of a relationship. I was honestly relieved. She hasn't really spoken to me since.
She has been a thorn in my side for over 40 years. She's never going to die and she sure won't let the dislike for me ever die. Hubby has never believed me with the amazingly awful things she has said to me b/c in his words "I didn't HEAR her say them to you, so I can't accept that she would".
Had I known how difficult this was going to be, I would not have married my husband. That's how mean and backbiting she's been. In retrospect, I never did a single thing to irk her...sometimes, people are just mean. Period. I would love to blame this on dementia, or something, but she gets it in her mind that certain people are bad and that's it. You can never redeem yourself. The only "saving grace". if there is one, is that she doesn't like ANY of the inlaws---hates me the most, but at least I am not alone.
All you can do is live your life, keep your chin up. The truth eventually rises to the surface.
Chances are she'll forget her new truth over time or it will be replaced. That is the way it always happens with my mother. The only concern is to make sure that the fabricated stories don't cause any harm. That can be prevented by good communication -- something it sounds like you have with your in-laws.
BTW, when someone has dementia, time gets distorted. You might come over one day and the next day MIL will think you haven't been there for weeks. Maybe that is going on and made her think you were distancing yourself, leading to the thinking she had about you divorcing, etc. We never know what goes on in the mind when truth and sense of time is distorted.
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