My MIl is 91 yr old w/limited mobility & major incontinence problems....We really can't take her out for fear of accidents ( even w/ her Depends ). She has been living w/us for almost 6 yrs & she is getting worse. At present she is hospitalized again & whatever mobility she had is almost gone. She was able to atleast bring herself to the bathroom but know I'm not sure what will happen. I dont want a nurse in my home...dont want to turn my home into a hospital w/strangers in & out all day...it's time for her to go in a assisted living at a minimum.I have done all I can & I am totally BURNED OUT. So happy I found this site...it's been very helpfull. Pleaseanyone who has gone thru this help me...my marriage really does depend on it
Wow! You've given your MIL six years of quality of life in a home setting, among people who love her. You and your husband should both feel good about that, and proud of what you've done.
Now it is time for a new chapter in this book. You are still concerned about the quality of her life. You still want the best for her. You still love her very much. But it is time to call upon the professional caregivers of various kinds, in a setting designed for care of the elderly with mobility and incontinence problems.
Will shebe going to transitional care (rehab) when she leaves the hospital? (That is often how it works, depending, of course, on why she was in the hospital.) That would be a very good time to get some professional input on what level of care is appropriate. Could she handle assisted living? Does she need skilled nursing care?
Meanwhile, you and hubby should be looking at the practical issues, such as how is this going to paid for? Does MIL have assets and income that will enable her to be self-pay? For how long? Is she likely to need Medicaid at some point? Organizing this is a big job, and another fine service you can do for MIL.
Be aware -- and make sure your husband understands this -- that placing MIL in a care center is NOT the same as abandoning her. You will still be her advocate, and work toward seeing to it she gets quality care. You will visit often, have meals with her regularly, perhaps take her on outings if she is capable of that. But instead of having 24/7 responsibility for hands-on caregiving, you will be free to be the loving daughter-in-law and son. Many people find that their relationship actually improves when the day-to-day burden is lifted.
I wish you all the best as you move in this new direction. Keep us informed!
We can share opinions about whether placement is best in this particular sitaution. It is good to have a range of opinions expressed.
But know that you are offending a large number of the members here by using such pejorative terms as "dumping" and "throwing away."
So there that is the case ...not looking for your approval, just for you to see you need all info before judging what you don't understand...
mledison~As you have been told by other's guilt is a given. A therapist is a great place to start. You may also want to make an appt. with your MIL doc for you and your husband to discuss it with him/her. Sometimes a husband needs to hear it from a doc to get the full message. A doc with experience in taking care of the elderly would have compassion for your burn out before it becomes full blown depression. Many years ago, I was facing burn out due to working full time, taking care of everything at home inside and outside plus the children. I had no outlet to let off steam. My husband was working many hours and was just not available to help me when he was home. It was his choice. He would not listen to me, I plead, begged and talked reasonably. It fell on deaf ears. Finally I stopped. I came home from work and wouldn't do anything. I left it all for him. He woke up real fast when he had to do it all. I don't know why you don't want home health care to help you because it would relive you, but I do understand that if you just can't do it anymore, it is reasonable to understand why you would want her placed in a facility. You do have a right to be happy and have a life outside of caregiving. When we can no longer provide the best care for a loved one, whatever the reasons are, we have alternatives especially when finances are available. Stand your ground with your husband and see a therapist as well as MIL doc.
See All Answers