My husband is an only child and we live in another state from his mom who is 68. She is not married and has no other family. During the recent stay at home orders, she moved people into her home and they "seemed" to take advantage of her. I say seemed because she has a history of drug and alcohol abuse (and general dishonesty) and we are not sure if she had money taken from her or willingly gave them money in exchange for stuff. We did get her to move to an apartment so she would have less upkeep and we are in the process of getting in home healthcare for a few hours each day. I am worried that this may not be enough. She has some confusion but is often lucid. We asked her to move in with us or to an apartment near us and she refused to leave the town she grew up in. There are some concerns that she may be in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's and we have set up an appointment with a memory care specialist. She is refusing any more care than the few hours a day we are trying to set up or assisted living options. I am a teacher and have basically spent the summer here trying to set up stuff but school is about to start. I guess I am asking legally what happens if the confusion is more than we think can prove. She could go before a judge and sound sane as a church mouse. My husband does not feel as though the confusion is as serious or advanced. Help!
What is your husband, the only child required to do? Nothing!
What should you do, as she's refusing help? Nothing!
Don't ask her to move in with you again, that would be a disaster in the making; and you sure as hell don't want to get involved with any drug or alcohol addiction issues. She's only 68. Her failure to provide for her own future is not, and never will be, your problem. Stubborn elderly relatives are best kept a few hours away. A few time zones is even better!
#2 Concerns that she may be in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's Disease: what concerns, raised by whom, and for what reason?
#3 How well do you know this lady? Have you ever had much to do with her?
2. She has had mini mental exam and Dr said seems to have mild intermittent confusion. Had an MRI and Dr was concerns that results could look like the beginning of Alzheimer's, we are trying to get appt with memory care specialist to get a clearer picture.
3. I have known my hubs since we were 11. That is part of the problem. Although his parents were married until we were 17 it was a horrendous marriage with several separations over the years. She was almost never around. Partying practically every night some time gone for days and weeks at a time. His dad did 98%of his raising. To me she is a textbook narcissist. She has ruined or made every special occasion in my husband (and my) life and made about her. Seriously, not enough characters to even begin to tell the tale. The Most difficult thing is that his dad is extremely non-confrontational and basically dealt with her and taught my hubs to deal with her by suffering through her verbally and emotionally abusive tantrums and then pretend nothing happened. Therefore she would use them to manipulate every situation to get what EVER she felt like she wanted. I think she loves my husband as much as she is capable of loving anyone, but has no interest in having a relationship or seeing our children or me other than to get to see her son. When we visit she basically ignores every one but my husband. This is my main concern for when my husband offered her staying with us. We have twins that are 11 and one has moderate autism (non-verbal, sensory issues, etc). She is very hard to like/love because she will be nice to me in person but has said awful things behind my back.
You are right to resist her coming to live with you. It would not answer her insatiable need for attention, it would be catastrophic for your marriage, and in any case well-founded antipathy is not a good basis for taking over as someone's primary caregiver.
I shouldn't get too excited, either way, about the MRI's findings. I hate to be cynical, but this sounds like a combination of behind-covering and money-spinning - the doctor has shown an abundance of caution and created an earning opportunity for his memory care specialist colleague. Win win! Win win win, actually, because a further gain is that your MIL receives Attention to her Rare and Special neurological condition hem-hem...
There are options.
I assume she says she won't consider moving into a community? Nevertheless, you won't waste your time if you find out what's out there. You're looking for continuing care facilities with a good track record on socialisation and enrichment. What your MIL most needs is an audience. She'd like it to be her son (not unreasonably, whose company should she prefer?) but that has to be kept out of the question. Failing that, the bigger and more approving her audience can be, the better.
Live-in companionship. There are agencies which will provide this, and you do need a good agency because the vetting and matching processes are essential. It is extremely expensive. You also can't expect the companions to stay forever, because not even the most vocationally committed person can cope with more than a few months' stretch at a time; but they are generally very good, trained, capable people, and they will give her 24/7, one-to-one attention.
Strict boundaries limited to signposting. You do nothing, but you find out who can do what needs doing. So, you compile a dossier of key contacts - social care agencies, service providers and so on - and you point her in their direction as and when needs arise. You do not hire. You do not make calls. You just give her the information.
What are you worried might happen? The thing is, nothing you've described makes it clear why this lady needs daily help at all. She's not old, she's not ill, she has no known disability, and possibly-maybe beginning signs of early Alzheimer's is something-of-nothing.
So, I hope you won't mind my saying so, it does sound as though your fears are more related to her engineering some crisis and landing on you and your husband than to any clear, present risks. If you were to write down the five possibilities you're most apprehensive about, what would they be?
Living with an alcoholic drug addict is h3ll, never to be considered.
Does the doctor know of the long term alcoholism and drug addiction? Because most assuredly that will lead to dementia and the need for facility placement, your home is not a facility.
You guys need to step back and let her thrive or fail. Putting services in place now is a waste of money. Let her live her life and implement boundaries for dealing with her. She will suck your life source if you allow it. Remind your husband that he is not that little boy that has no choice but to take moms abuse and act like it never happened, he is a husband and dad with a responsibility to protect his family from her.