My Mother who is her Father's caregiver. Any advice?

Hi Freqflyer - thank you for understanding and seeing my concern about my mom. Here's the problem - grandpa is living at her house. This is also the same property where her childcare center is at. She can't leave which is why I think she feels so stuck all of the time. When grandpa moved back from FL, he moved into her home. Her siblings have even made the comment that she can care for him because she works where she lives. However, she can not leave the childcare business to attend to grandpa's needs during the day. Just today, one sibling made the comment to her after dropping grandpa off from Dr.'s appt: "Well I have to get back to work." Mom said, "I'm working too." Sibling said, "Well it's easier for you since you live and work here." Mom began crying and just went back to work. She has a boyfriend of several years who lives in the next town over (it just so happens that the family does not care for him even though he is very supportive emotionally for my mother). She is more than welcome to move in with me and her boyfriend has asked her to move in with him. Then that leaves grandpa in mom's house alone (the same property as the daycare). This is not a possibility because he is blind and has extremely limited mobility. There have been times when mom has left her home and had one of her siblings stay at the house overnight with grandpa (though these occasions are becoming much less frequent). Then, when she gets back home in the morning to work, siblings leave and mom is left with her business responsibilities as well as caring for grandpa throughout the day. I think this adds to a lot of her stress. They have also made comments that she leaves 'all the time' and is never around. This blows my mind. You are absolutely right that she needs to say that she will not be around. But I know my mom - she will feel too guilty if she does this - especially because she has to come back to the house everyday.

On a side note - while looking around tonight, I found a website called "A Place for Mom" that provides a free service where you can talk to an advisor who will ask questions about the situation and give advice. Have you heard of this? I have passed the info along to mom and now it's up to her.

I feel that I should be helping my mom more.... I also work at the daycare with her and have took over nearly every aspect of running the business as well as helping her with small chores around the house. There have been four times in the past 2 months that I have stayed the day or night with grandpa to give her a break - but in that case, I feel that I am enabling her to keep caring for her father and not stand up for herself. It's almost like if I don't help, I'm the bad daughter, if I do, then this will continue. Things are getting worse by the day.....

Irishrose, your mother is going to crash and burn if she doesn't stop doing all this caregiving. Time for her to call all the siblings and tell them that she is ending the caregiving due to her OWN physical health, I am sure a cardiologist could verify that. Tell everyone she is moving out the end of August, if not sooner.

Once she gets her own health under control she could help by taking Dad to doctor appointments, hair cuts, etc. but set boundaries on what she can and cannot do. No more living at his house.

I know this will be hard for your Mom to stop doing the caregiving, but assure her the earth won't stop turning if she does. Yes, Dad might be mad at her, better mad then her 6-feet under. Could she live with you until she finds herself her own place?

Thank you GardenArtist for the reply. I, as well as my mother, have suspicions about the Lady Friend. At one point, grandpa had quite a bit of money - enough that he was able to pay cash for both houses. Now, there is very little money left. When he applied for medicaid - he was told he did not qualify because of the two homes that he owned. So it seems to me that his money is tied up in the houses from my understanding? The money he had has been drained since lady friend moved in with him several years ago. She insisted that new furniture, bedroom set, etc. needed to be bought for the house in FL. While she did take care of him for quite some time (and as my mom has learned - this is not an easy job), I personally do not feel that grandpa "owes" her anything because she was living in the house rent-free the entire time and grandpa was paying for everything. I wonder what a private investigator would cost and even if the results turned up 'bad' on the lady friend's part - if grandpa would even believe that she was up to something. He talks to her multiple times a day telling her that he lovers her - I wish my mom had a way out of this whole situation.

I wouldn't normally suggest something that might be underhanded, but I can't help having some suspicions about the lady friend in Florida and wonder if a private investigator might turn up something about her actions, and friends, that would convince your father she shouldn't be living in his house rent free.

I can understand his belief, erhaps false but hopeful, that he'll be able to return to that house. When infirmity and mobility issues confront someone, I think instinctively he/she creates a mental block to prevent that from dominating thoughts, while also making plans to move forward. Perhaps it's a self delusion, but if it does encourage him to devote time to recovering, it might in the short or long run be helpful.

Thank you all for your help and advice. I truly appreciate it.

Jeanette B- After talking with my mom about the situation - Grandpa has said that he doesn't want to sell the house in FL because he plans on moving back there once his legs are working again. He is currently in the process of seeing doctors to see if this is a possibility and he has told my mother that in 4-6 weeks, he will be back in FL no matter what. She has tried asking him what he plans on doing as far as help goes once he gets back there - he is convinced that he can rely on his friends that live nearby to do the shopping for him, set his pills out, etc. However, I just can not see this simply happening. He requires so much care.. and he is very demanding - I really don't think he has thought this out all the way - but this is only my opinion. I have told mom that she needs to stand up for herself and she has talked with siblings many times but has gotten no where. Last week, her BP spiked and she got really dizzy and sick. I am extremely worried.....


Garden Artist - No the Lady Friend in FL is not paying rent - she is still living at the house. Grandpa will not evict her and says that she has taken care of him so long and she can stay there. He's a stubborn man and I think it's going to take a lot to change his mind. He still talks to her everyday and I fear that she is turning him against mom. She makes comments like: "Well - "mom" leaves every weekend - this is not what we had planned - she told me that she would care for you 24/7." However, when lady friend left, she mentioned to mom that she should call her if she was feeling overwhelmed due to siblings not helping. Now the story has changed?? I personally feel that she is not helping the situation and the house needs to be sold.. Grandpa refuses to go to nursing home though - and Lady Friend agrees that it is a ridiculous idea that a nursing home is even being discussed.. She is really making things worse .. but as I told Jeanette - he is stubborn and refuses to kick her out of FL home.

FreqFlyer - I'm not sure of how her siblings feelings towards a continuing care facility.... She has tried talking many times with them but she comments that they all have excuses. When she does find someone (who is not a family member) to stay the night - they claim that she is always leaving on weekends and she doesn't help.... I agree that it is not fair that Grandpa keeps both homes.. The money could be used to - at the very least - pay for someone to help care for him to give mom a break...


To all: Update on the situation - I encouraged mom to stand up for herself. She spoke with brother who is POA but she didn't get too far. I'm very concerned for mom. As I mentioned earlier, last week her BP spiked and she was not doing too well. I know that there is no definite solution to this problem. More than anything, I appreciate being able to talk with everyone and vent this out. I know that my husband is sick of hearing me talk about all of this. I am so, so concerned for my mother. I want more than anything to take this off of her chest, but I know that she needs to stand up for herself. Again- if anyone has any ideas on how to convince grandpa to sell homes and also detach himself from lady friend in FL or of how to help my mom- it is greatly appreciated. More than anything though, thank you to all of you for listening to me when I have had nowhere else to go. You all are appreciated more than you know... I'm not a very religious person - but please keep my mom in your thoughts and I hope with everything in me that nothing bad happens to her. I love her with all of my heart and I am so very concerned about her health....

Irishrose, could it be that your Mom's sibling aren't helping because they want their Dad to move into a continuing care facility? If they help, then they enable Dad to keep staying.

Eventually something will explode... there is no way your Mom can continue to care for her father plus run a day care in her home. She isn't doing those children any good being as tired as she is.

As others have mentioned, sell both of the homes and use it for a continuing care facility. Maybe your grandfather is thinking he wants to keep his homes to give to his children. He might outlive your Mother, and that's not fair. Once the money from the sale of both homes is used up, then your Grandfather can once again apply for Medicaid.

Is the Florida "lady friend" paying rent? If not, who's maintaining the house? I would get started on eviction proceedings, then put the house up for sale.

Hey irish, it's just my opinion... I would put that house in FL up for sale. Your mother really needs to talk to her brother, as POA he can do this. The siblings ALL need to get together and do something. If your mom has a heart attack then who cares for grandpa? 30% of caregivers die before the one are taking care of... not to scare you but your mom is carrying a very heavy load. So yeah, I don't know what the agreement is with the lady friend in FL but eventually it all ends anyway so better she go now and that money be put into a trust account that will go towards grandpa's care/helper vs. your mother doing it all. That is what property/money is for... it's not fair on your mom.

I really hope you can all come together and work this out...

Hi JeanetteB, my mom's brother has POA.. I'm so, so sorry to hear about your relationship with your son :( I have always been so protective of my mother - sometimes to the point where I overstep my boundaries. I'm being very careful as to what I say to her or anyone in the family because I know I would be lost without my mother if I do or say something wrong/something that I shouldn't. That leads me to here... in hopes that I can find some help or advice that I can give mom. I appreciate yours and everyone else's comments. Your help doesn't go unnoticed and one day, I hope to return the favor to someone else...

Oh, and as a mother of an only child (33) I appreciate your concern.

I took care of my mother for 3 years alone with siblings within 20 minutes, so I vented a lot to my son, we barely speak now if at all. Your mom needs a firm advocate to get her out of this mess and good care for grandpa!

Sounds to me like the Florida home needs to be sold and the money used for full time care for grandpa.

Does anyone have Power of Attorney?

He lost Hospice when he went to a doctor to examine his legs to see if they could get some mobility into them so he can start walking again. Thank you for the advice, Pamstegma. I am hoping to stay out of family arguments. It's just that I hear so much from my mother and I can't go to her for advice, which is why I turned to everyone here. I know I'm not in a situation that many others who are one this page are in, but I am hoping to find some help and/or advice. I want to be strong for my mother - I have always felt the need to protect her. I simply don't know what to do anymore.

He owns two homes. One in Florida - which he refuses to sell. He had been living with a 'lady-friend' who had been caring for him - and then decided it was too much for her so she moved him in with my mother - the lady-friend now lives in the FL home. The second home is one that my husband and I rent. I have told my mother that we will look for somewhere else so that he can sell this one.. but if he sells, I believe that it will put a 5(?) year hold on medicaid.

If he does not qualify for Medicaid, either he has too much money or he gave it all away. How did he lose Hospice? They drop you when you take the patient to a doctor or hospital for treatment. Stay out of the family arguments. Your mother created this mess and she backed herself into this corner. Let her vent if you are strong enough to listen, but it sounds like two of her siblings have already stopped. She has to fix this herself, I hope she doesn't drop over first.

Curious why your Grandfather doesn't qualify for Medicaid?