My mother has struggled with depression for some time since my younger sister died in 2001, and my father, to whom she was married for 53 years, passed away about a year and a half ago. The depression is worsened by chronic pain from arthritis and her unwillingness to take an antidepressant (she says they make her feel "funny"). I live about two hours away, and I call two or three times a week and visit about every two weeks or so. She offers her opinion on what I eat, what I wear, how I cut my hair, my weight, my makeup, my vehicle...the list goes on and on. She's unhappy because I never got married and had kids, so she has no grandchildren. She also complains because I moved away and I'm not there to help her. (She says I do more for other people than I do for her.) She also constantly complains about everything. I know her criticisms don't make any difference to who I am as a person, and I do what I want regardless because I know it's impossible to please her. Sometimes the constant comments wear me down, and I don't know what to say in response. I think I need to do a better job of setting healthy boundaries as far as what she says to me. Any suggestions are appreciated.
From Psych central: Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a long-standing need for the person to be taken care of and a fear of being abandoned or separated from important individuals in his or her life.
This leads the person to engage in dependent and submissive behaviors that are designed to elicit care-giving behaviors in others. The dependent behavior may be see as being “clingy” or “clinging on” to others, because the person fears they can’t live their lives without the help of others.
However my doc said that it can also emerge as the almost exact opposite as they can turn into be dependant by using negativity all the time in the misguided perception that you will try harder and when, in their eyes you don't, that behaviour becomes exaggerated ....food for thought. Since she has been out and I have taken to spending more time with her in terms of taking her out for 2 to 3 hours every day she has been much better
Adult children of abusive parents continue to be abused and take the abuse because they were programmed that way from childhood. I started a thread about this @
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/power-of-emotional-blackmailers-176430.htm
In this thread, I basically unpack the anatomy of emotional abuse/blackmail.
What it is?
What are its effects?
Who is doing this?
How do they do this?
What are the origins of this.
Why it is so victorious?
How it’s defeated?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Until we understand the anatomy of abuse, we will not be understand why people can't just decide to get away from it which is the rational thing to do, but far easier said than done. In many ways, it is like understanding the anatomy of clinical or bipolar depression. One can't just snap out of it.
Abuse is kept alive by the power of family secrets and other unhealthy family dynamics. It's not just a matter of rational choice that keeps the victim being victimized. Abusers groom their victims.
We don't catch a lot of abuse because it's not reported. Sometimes victims arè not believed.
Yep, I got that often "If you'd had children I wouldn't be lonely". If I'd had children there would be no way she'd babysit .... ewwwww, too busy shopping, getting hair and nails done ... and they'd likely end up despising her as much as I do. It is to be noted she never lifted a finger to help her parents and when her mother died she refused to do anything for her father because it would be too much trouble.
I recently signed on with a new doctor ... haven't been to one in 15 years. He's quite the character and plans a work up ... got to give blood and get a chest xray to start. He knows I smoke and drink once in a while but he doesn't know the whole story. Trained from a young age to put up and shut up "or else", for so long I've had a few drinks to just sleep and shut it all out.
Mommie Dearest has been in a nursing home for over 2 years now and drove me into a nervous breakdown with screaming daily phone calls and setting government bodies on me ...changed my phone number over a year ago and made it unlisted but I have still attended to shop for her, just duty. I've battled with this alone for so long I'm going to ask for a referral to a psychologist. I need to come terms with 60 years of hurt and abuse.
Mommie Dearest is fading away, close to death now and she will die alone. There is no other family and what few friends she had she ran off over the years. Perhaps she can find the happiness in the next life she could never find in this one.
Unless she decides she wants to change, unless God intervenes, she will not.
Protect your sanity by establishing a boundry by not doing more than you are capable. Humbly know your limit as I think we all tend to want to 'do it all' and neglect ourselves.
I would also advice talking to your mom and being honest, when the time is right. Letting her know how you feel is most healthy for both of you. Have no expectations.
Very simple, you go from 2 to 3 calls a week down to 1. You can also agree with her and also change the subject.