My mother who has NPD and the early stages of dementia lives in my home despite the many adjustments we have made to accommodate her lifestyle, verbal outbursts and fits of rage. She routinely calls me a "bitch" and then usually quotes some bible scripture. She always tells me that "we aren't peers" "you are my daughter" this is laughable as she is living with me because of her many poor choices throughout her life. I don't believe in engaging nasty people on any level, why argue with a lunatic but this IS MY HOME. I'm stunned that she could be so arrogant while living in my home and all her furnishings and housing is bought and paid for by me. She is completely NOT reasonable, when I have asked her to consider her behavior, she just tells me "she likes her pound of flesh". There is no way I can get her out, she can't afford any housing and isn't ill enough for any other help. Any ideas on how to deal with this? I can't imagine living like this for another 20 years!
Sometimes I wish I had let the court assign a professional guardian/conservator for her instead of becoming that myself. It was very expensive to do, but I do get financial protection from her debts out of it.
She needs to be in her own place. Dementia or not, this kind of abuse is not an option. What's worse, it'll escalate. Nip it in the bud.
Abusedbymom (great name!) - the folks who know me here know that I have been through this jungle. If it weren't for them, I don't know where I'd be today.
My mother has bi-polar, all the cluster B personality disorders (histrionic, borderline, and narcissism) and dementia. Plus a host of medical problems. Life with her was never pleasant. Usually very upsetting, scary, and psychotic (in the clinical sense).
YOU CAN'T FIX THIS. You can fix any of this. Please take my word for it.
The more you try to fix and the harder you try to fix it (whatever "it" is) the worse life will be. Your mom is headed for a real loop-de-loop-de-loop ride and you are in the car with her. This kind of mental illness plus the dementia paranoia, hallucinations, and fear makes for something much like hades. You do have choices, even if they are hard to see. Being enmeshed with this person who has pushed your buttons every day of your life makes it really hard to see through the bubble wrap you're in with her.
We moved mom 1800 miles to be nearby in 2013 when it was more than obvious she could no longer live alone. Mom stayed with me & my family for not quite 4 weeks and we were all suicidal by the end. Longest month of my life. She would scream for me if she couldn't see me. She had my two teens very scared. She talked crazy, acted crazy, and was beyond unreasonable, demanding, paranoid, suspicious. She pulled some really theatrical stunts with us like faking a fall on the stairs, faking a stroke because her pjs were in the dryer, and the usual yelling, threatening, and control these personalities try to exert. I had to laugh out loud one time when she pointed her cane and her beady little black eyes at me to say "I'm having the FBI record all this and you are on the way to jail!". Is that so mom? I was really close to cracking under that kind of living situation.
Mom has done MUCH BETTER in a very structured, highly routinized environment at the nursing home. She went into a senior apartment with services first, and continued her decline into some insane dark place. She tried to commit suicide, actually did fall hard one time, and ended up in the hospital a couple times. She had a psychotic break at one point and ended up in a geriatric psych unit for 5 days until they could get her under control. She was wild, manic, and violent for several days & nights. Where was all that energy when we were packing her house up?
Getting mom out of our house meant that home was refuge. Home is the place we can get away from the world (and her to be honest). Now the only trauma from her at home is her bills.
My kids can be themselves, we don't have to hide, and we can do as we wish without worrying about grandma. My husband & I can go out for dinner and not have to bring her along to avoid a hissy fit out of her.
After the psych unit, she went into a locked dementia care unit. She is still there, but classified as hospice. The geri-psych and his nurse who have worked with mom there have been ANGELS. They could see past this nasty old wild woman and get her the medication she has needed for decades. They watch over her & we meet to discuss her situation quarterly.
The staff there are also ANGELS. I can't physically handle my mom. She was like a five foot tall bulldozer with no brakes when she got going. If she hit you, you knew you'd been hit. She spit, scratched, kicked, you name it. She was verbally abusive to the staff, but they could leave her at the end of a shift. You don't get that relief by having this person in your house.
Having some literal physical distance between you and your mother is the lynch-pin to your sanity. And anybody who also lives in that house.
As far as money goes, we are going to spend every last penny on this process, and so be it. I'm reconciled to that. I'm working on Medicaid application now with the social worker & Medicaid biller at the facility. When mom's got nothing left, Medicaid will come in. That's what it's there for. I will have nothing as an inheritance, and that's totally OK with me. The paperwork isn't worth it.
There are four things you needs to do.
Get her to a geriatric psychiatrist for meds for her rages. Establish this relationship with this kind of doctor NOW, because these meds will need tinkering.
Get her qualified for Medicaid if she isn't already.
Get her on waiting lists for every Nursing Home that accepts Medicaid patients in the area.
The next time she ends up in the hospital, state that you can no longer care for her at home. Do not be bullied into taking her home.
OUT. She needs to be out of there.
"There is no way I can get her out, she can't afford any housing and isn't ill enough for any other help." Really? What happens to her if a donut truck runs into you tomorrow, you become disabled, and you must live in a care center?
I can well believe that the process of getting this woman out of your house will not be pleasant. I can understand why it seems on some level unthinkable. (She is your mother.) But I do not believe there are no alternatives and you are simply stuck with this non-peer for the next quarter century.
OUT. Get her out.
If you decide that is what you want to do, post again asking for specific help to accomplish that. We'll be with you all the way.
Sadly, your mother will only get worse as the ALZ progresses and the burden on you will be greater and greater. Please talk to your local agency for aging and Social Services for ideas fir alternative placement. As rovana says if she goes to ER you can refuse to take her back and they are obliged to find her a placement,
I agree with geewhiz and pam - this is abuse and very hard in you and she needs to be out! Please take care of you.
I deal with fits of rage here, too. The only way I've found to handle them is to walk away. If your mother is like mine, I can't reason with her, but usually she will calm herself after a while.
The "pound of flesh" reference made me curious. I wonder why she felt she needed to exact a pound of flesh from people who meant her no harm. Odd indeed.
Begin looking for a nursing home for her. Twenty years is a very long time. In the meantime, don't argue with her. You'll just get yourself all upset. Go into the bathroom right now, look into the mirror and practice a massive eye roll. Combine that with as many, "Yes, mom's" as it takes to let her think she's won. Takes two to argue. ;)