My mother told me she never wants to see me (or my sister) again. We know she and our father need our help. What should we do?
The last few times we were at our parents' house ended with her screaming epithets and insults at us, completely unprovoked (other than us not reacting to her unrelenting negativity--but that's just a guess). It's been three weeks since either of us has spoken to her or gone to their house. The bad feeling we have is not diminishing; the tragedy of the situation is eating away at us. The dilemma is: how can we go there if she's made it clear, on more than one occasion, that she wants no part of us? They have no one else close to them (physically or emotionally) who can do their grocery shopping, whatever, for them. We're reluctant to call her because we don't want to be subjected to her wrath (which undoubtedly has exploded in the past three weeks) or her withering sarcasm. We're at a loss. Is it okay to stay away and wait for her to call us? She did last week, and said they were "in bad shape". My husband called her back & she wouldn't tell him what they needed, and screamed at him. The next day one of my nieces called her & said she sounded fine & had hired a laundry service (my sister's been taking care of that for a few years now). She said to my niece that we should be able to take some abuse after all she's done for us, to which my niece replied, "no, they shouldn't". It's a disgusting situation that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Any advice/suggestion is welcome.
You're getting nowhere and you're the one who's going to end up dead from all the stress!
1) Mother
She is not medicated properly with a history of an illness requiring meds.
She no longer complies with treatment.
She is being over-stressed living with father, who has Alzheimer's, equaling 2 vulnerable adults. If she had no history (possible bipolar or BPD : Borderline Personality Disorder), his illness plus her aging could have led to her burnout. Understanding for her.
However, facts are that she is emotionally abusing your father, and now you.
2) Father
Has Alzheimer's, may require more assistance than you know (mother is not explaining?)
His wife, your mother, is continuing abuse, which as a vulnerable adult, he cannot report or fight. This may have escalated to physical abuse.
3) Family
Has been banned, may have shaking and PTSD from ongoing abuse and stress, is sad and worried.
4) Authorities
Have not adequately intervened as yet.
Step 1:
Temporarily, secure Dad's needs by picking him up, 1-2 x per week, take him to the store with you if he is able. Meet him outside, drop him off outside.
This will give Mom some respite. This will allow Dad a break-he may be able to let you know more, once he is away from her. This plan won't be easy, but he has rights too.
This action may expose Mom to a crisis 1) Maybe she cannot be left alone. 2) Maybe she is inappropriately isolating and abusing her husband. 3) Maybe she is self-medicating on pain meds or alcohol. 4) Knowing more, you may have to take Dad out of there.
Approach this without taking sides. Accepting that she has banned you leaves 2 vulnerable adults, still. Your Mom is very ill. Give this plan 3 months time.
Are there pets in the home?
You can do this?
I am not against you backing off until the fridge is empty, or another crisis presents itself, because the authorities won't SEE what is happening if you cover for them.
You decide what you are able to do, but shaking is not a good sign.
It was not my parents, but when this happened to a more distant family member, I had to pay for the food, lunch out, haircuts, medical supplies like a heating pad, OTC meds like Tylenol and Colace-the reason for only 3 mos. because wife would have never allowed expenses for her husband. Not my doing, but they are living separately now.
I honestly don't know how one person can treat another person so shabbily--this has been an ongoing source of wonderment in the last 42 years for me. My husband shielded from his mother as much as humanly possible when we were dating...and I now know why. I KNEW before we married that she didn't "like" me, but really thought I could win her over (of course at the tender age of 19 when I met her, I thought I COULD work miracles.)
My MIL's life is 100% about her. Yes, she struggled to raise a family with a man she hated, and for that, I cannot fault her. Dad has some serious problems, and the divorce was a blessing. However, she has some kind of serious personality disorder, and at the age of 87, is not likely to change.
It HAS rankled me that when he son was so sick, and nearly died, that she felt all the stress was on HER. Never will understand that.
The saddest part is really that my 5 children and my 13 grandchildren have no relationship with her. They literally (the ggrandkids) have no idea who she is. Since she doesn't care about them either, I guess it's a wash.
Hubby did ask me if I had known how awful she'd be would I have still married him? I honestly had to say, no, I didn't think I would have.
It did hit her one day (so I heard) that she was discussing how she plans to live to be 99-1/2--my Sis in law laughed and said "Mom, I will be 77, "D" will be 82 and "B" will be 80. You should have been nicer to "B's" wife, she's the one who's going to put you in a nursing home. And if I do have to, I will make sure it is nice and she is well cared for. I don't want revenge. I wanted a MIL who wanted another daughter.
You just want a mom, don't you? And that's what hurts. The daily reminders that you weren't "enough" for them.
Honestly? Most of my friends had wonderful mothers and decent relationships with their MILs. I think we see a very skewed yet honest version here on these boards. We need to vent. Doesn't make us bad people.
Take your break. They won't starve.
Save yourself.
Is that a subject you've discussed with anyone in any detail?
I'm sorry to hear what about is happening. I know you and your sister truly want to help your mom and dad with some of their daily care. It is very hard when your mom is acting so angry and abusive. I am a fix it kind of person too and it is hard to step back and say fine, just let it be.
I wonder if some of your mom's attitude is related to the side effects of her medication or some other mental decline like dementia? If you truly think they are in danger, I would contact a social worker or Adult Protective Services or Senior Services in your community to check on their welfare. Maybe your mom would be more receptive to a third party.
For now, its okay to back off till she calms down. My other suggestion would be family therapy or talking to a counsellor or joining a support group for caregivers. Thinking of you.
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