We took my mom in to our home after she lived alone for 1year. In that time she became depressed, lived in disgusting conditions (sticky floors from spills never cleaned up, pooping her pants, not showering). After pooping her pants one time she went to clean pants in sink in the middle of the night (she fell asleep and left water running in the sink and flooded her house) we had to handle everything to get house fixed. In addition to this she fell 3x (that we are aware of). We took her into our home while repairs were done but my mom never moved back into her house. After living with my mom for a year it became unbearable (she would talk non stop, ask the same questions every single day (like asking if she could eat something, where the butter goes, let us know she is taking a shower and ask if it was ok to learve the fan on the bathroom on so the mirror didnt stay steamed up, and more). She fell multiple times in that first year at our house. She would become sick multiple times but resist going to the doctors saying it was just allergies (my whole family became sick many times from my moms "allergies"). The lack of privacy for everyone was unbearable for us all. As she lived with us and we showered her with love, made sure she made regular dr appts, started eating with us (if we did not cook for her she mostly didnt eat<when she did, she sometimes put bread WITH THE PAPER PLATE in our toaster oven and we had smoke alarms go off...obviously she was not safe to live alone). we never told her she had to move out (even when she tested positive for HEP C--it caused friction that my mom would wipe her nose and sneeze into her hands without using tissues...she would also cough constantly without using tissues or washing her hands--trying to protect my family but still care for my mom I gave her cough drops and tissues and asked her to use them as well as wash her hands. It was decided that if my mom wasn't going to move back into her house and she would continue to live with us. We could not afford to buy a house big enough to accommodate us all and give us all the privacy and space we desperately needed. My wife and I made a painful decision to sell our dream home to buy another big enough to accomodate us all with privacy. An agreement was made (which I stupidly didnt get in writting) that my mother would gift us the money from the sale of her house as a NON-REFUNDABLE gift; even if "gift" wasn't the word that was used between us, it was understood that the $ was non refundable, would be used to purchase the house, but not be returned to her nor would it be returned to any estate. My mom thought long and hard about it...discussed it with many people. Some were very unhappy (my brother and sister). Then to avoid even the appearance of evil we had my mother writed out the check to the mortgage copmpany (without which we could not have gotten a mortgage because of the debt-income assessment wouldn't allow it. The banker did not draft a gift letter because he said it was a joint account. No one could have forseen how my mom would act after the 911 call made for her benefit, but I do feel that does not excuse the banker from doing his due diligence to protect my wife and I from this very thing). We found one house that was large enough but needed alot of work. Wanting my mom to be safe and happy we bought it. At first my mom said she was satisfied if we could make some changes. The costs to make all the changes began to add up and my mother AFTER the house was purchased became more and move vocal about her dissatisfaction (what before could be fixed was no longer possible according to my mom). So we sold that house and paid all the costs associated with the sale of this house as well as the purchase of the next house. After calling 911 for my mom who was suffering from R.A. pain my mom became enraged (screaming, cursing, telling lies, and even slamming a door on my head) she refused to have contact with us but is suing us for failure to care.
Questions for you:
- does anyone have durable PoA for your mom? Is so, who?
- has your mom ever been medically diagnosed with cognitive decline?
- is it remotely possible to get her to see her doctor to check for a UTI? Even if you have to use a "therapeutic fib", like Medicare now requires an annual physical?
- is she still driving?
- where do your siblings stand in all of this? Helpful? Not? Local? Not?
If you could answer those questions, it'd be helpful.
I'm not sure I'd worry too much about her suing you. Any lawyer will see she is "not normal" or at the very least doesn't have a case. I would ignore those threats. Also depending on how big your town is, you could contact your local police and let them know you are having problems with her and that she has a tendency to abuse 911. Not sure where this will go but it can't hurt. A commenter below wisely suggested for you to call 911 if she gets physical with you in any way OR makes threats of physical violence. This can pave the way for having her hospitalized or removed.
If no one has PoA for her and she lives in your home you probably can't report her to APS (but I'm not certain about this for your state). If you are interested in continuing to oversee her care you will need to pursue guardianship over her through the courts. This will require proof, time and some money. Not sure how long this will take with everything in lockdown. Once you have guardianship she can then be removed to a facility. To pay for the facility you may need to have a consult with an elder law/estate planning attorney to see if selling your joint home will help or hurt. Medicaid has 5-yr lookback in many states so it will be important to not undermine her ability to qualify in the future.
You and your family may benefit from watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube so everyone understands what is going on with her broken brain and get ideas on how to handle situations.
In the meantime, keep your distance from her and don't react much to anything she says. Seniorize your home so to minimize the risk of her hurting herself or others (like, remove the toaster to where she can't find it). If she makes threats take out your phone and video it and call 911. An elder law attorney may have other ideas on how to get her removed and placed. I wish you strength, safety and wisdom as you work towards a solution, and peace in your hearts that it won't be like this forever.
I hindsight, Mom should have been evaluated when she was in her own home. Rational people don't act like Mom. You do realize too, that the money she "gifted" you may make it hard to get her on Medicaid to pay for her care if she needs it within 5 years of giving it to you.
I know u don't want to go thru the expense, but a lawyer maybe what u need. One who knows the Medicaid laws in ur state. He can also request Mom be evaluated for Psychic problems or a Dementia. At this point, if she isn't living with you, stay away. If something happens, let the courts take over her care, guardianship. Don't let the bully you into caring for her.
Please update. We learn things from other's experiences.
Is she competent? If it is questionable, have your attorney demand that she get tested. If she's incompetent, that could help in proving that she's not firing on all cylinders and they need to look at the facts, not at the story she is telling.
So hard.....