My Mother is 90 years old, and still lives alone in the house that she owns in Chelsea, MA just outside of Boston. I have one brother who lives 1/2 half mile away from my Mother, a 5 minute drive by car. My brother has POA and my Mother named him as the Executor of her will. My Mother has added him to her checking and savings account. He told me he would help our Mother out by picking up her medications, and food, and would take her food shopping, since she wants to go with him to pick out her own food. So far, he only takes her once in a great while, and my Mother ends up taking a taxi to the Drug Store, Bank, and food shopping. She told me she does not want to impose on his time, he has things to do on the weekends, then she complains that she has to pay for a taxi cab. All the relatives think that me and my husband should be the ones to take her on errands and to her Doctor appointments. We have done that for the last 5 years. However, my husband and I live 30 miles away in the suburbs, about an hours drive, we have lived here for over 41 years. We are now finding it more difficult to make the drive thru the Boston traffic, and my husband and I have had our own health problems and many Doctor visits. My Mother is blind in one eye, and has poor eyesight in her "good eye" all due to years of Glaucoma. She also has hearing loss and was told she needs hearing aids, but refuses to get them. She said they are too expensive and they don't work very well. She has plenty of money to buy them. Her Primary care Doctor, and her Podiatrist told her that she would be able to walk more easily, with better balance, if she would use a cane. She refuses to use one. I have spent days and weeks staying at her house to help her out with many things. I have often put my life on hold. My problem is this: I have tried to have the family get-togethers at my house, but my Mother insists on having everything at her house. She wants to do all the food shopping and all the cooking, which means someone has to go with her. I was getting pretty fed up with this arrangement. I finally spoke up and said that it was not fair that my husband and I are always the ones to drive to her house, and that no one wants to come to our house. I feel so guilty that I said this to her. Am I right or wrong about this?
Are there any elder transport services available for your Mom? That might help with her errands. How you do family get togethers is a personal choice. It sounds like your Moms house is no longer the best place. It can be difficult to let go of tradition especially for our elders. It's also rough to be the one who sees the writing on the wall and the instigator of change. Be firm but gentle with her. Do what you have to do but be prepared for backlash. This stuff is hard. I wish you well.
The other issue is your mom's complaints. This is harder as she is obviously pushing your buttons, but just let her complain! It is not necessary for you to fix things or to try and be the intermediary between your mom and brother. You can't blame him because you have been guilted into running errands for her, especially since she can well afford the taxi. What would happen if you didn't run over there to help her with her shopping? Perhaps look into having groceries delivered? Others have noted that our parents tend to forget that we are getting older as well and can't be expected to do the things we used to once do easily. It's all about learning to set boundaries, and learning to deal with the fallout from that.
Personally, I would play along, help her cook at her place.
Are you proposing picking up and dropping mom off to have events at your place? Do you think bro should do that? I am assuming you are talking about a handful of holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter?, Mothers Day.
Not judging, just saying, I would bite my tongue and play along....been there done that....family events are not necessarily fun, sometimes they are great exercises in civility and compromise. Additionally I reward myself with "me" days where I do only what I want.
I don't see anything wrong with your suggesting change. I suppose it's a pity that you waited until you were already cheesed off and exasperated so that perhaps it sounded like resentment rather than a constructive proposal? - but never mind, can't be helped.
What are the demands on your brother's time that your mother is so reluctant to intrude on? I notice she has no problem with imposing on you..! Ain't that always the way.
I know this is easier said than done, but some of the best-adjusted people I have known are the ones who are able, guilt-free, to please themselves. They don't get aerated or defensive about it, they just say the equivalent of "this is too much and we're not doing it." So what I'd recommend, if you can pull it off, I admit that I personally am still working on it, is that you judge each event in future on its own merits, decide whether it's worth your and your husband's effort and trouble, and accept or decline the invitation to participate accordingly. Then lean heavily on that fine maxim: "never apologise. Never explain."
This is a bit of a heads-up for your brother, though. Is he aware that his mother is asking for less help than she needs from him because she doesn't like to bother him? If not, he needs to be made so; because if he's not going to be able to do more for her in the future then the family needs to come up with a better plan now.
2. I think your mother is trying not to reveal her discomfort in traveling but still trying to maintain some semblance of family get-togethers.
3. If you still want to have the family dinners, perhaps the family can take turns bringing her to your house. That could also apply to grocery shopping. But include get-togethers at her house as well so it doesn't seem as she's being left out as hostess. And if she does feel more comfortable there, go with the flow.
It's hard to know how much emotional energy and fatigue an older person feels from worry about traveling, travel itself, and especially after a vicious winter like Boston just had. She may have safety issues as a silent concern.
4. Your mother is probably battling recognition of the changes in her life and trying to hold onto what she has. I'd give her some leeway. Until we've been in that position, it's hard to realize how unsettling and frightening it can be.
Now then. The rest of it. I think you know the answer to this, don't you? Your brother has been getting away with murder but he's not your problem. Your mother is probably too old to learn new tricks. The only thing you can change about your situation in the family is how you deal with it. One word: boundaries. Stop volunteering!
over backwards to help out. Stop trying to please her and your brother. If she has money then she can pay for taxis, hearing aids and expenses. If she complains, you do not have to listen, change the subject. Take care of yourself and your hubby. Have your own fun!
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