What do I do when my mother says I'm planning her death?
I don’t know what to say. She lives at home alone, age 90 with congestive heart failure and I believe dementia. She remains undiagnosed though they say she “sundowns”. She has so many of the symptoms. My brother is in denial. I am not.
It is very hard. She is homebound, has fallen a lot, does not want any caretakers. We have had many. I have offered to go over and clean; she said no. I cook and she doesn’t eat and then tells me not to cook anymore. She is not hungry. I cannot do anything right. I shop for her food as well. I buy whatever she needs. I pay for it all and we send money every month. Have been for many years.
But today she has said that I am thinking of her death and that I want her money. Nothing could be further from the truth. She has some money saved up. It is in my brother’s hands for years.
I once made a huge mistake and said that I would leave my children equal amounts if I were to die. In other words: If I had three dollars, I would leave one dollar to each. She interpreted this as meaning that I want her money. She is planning to leave it all to her grandson, my brother’s son who is 12 years old. I had told her fine. Many many times. I do not care. In fact, if she were to leave me any money, I would give it to my brother as he needs it more than I do.
I have never cared about money,not hers, not mine and not anyone elses. I have always helped her out financially and never said one word. My entire life, in fact. So to hear this now, is just painful.
I try to explain that I don’t care. I even told her to ask everyone … in the family … to tell them all that I want her money. My thinking was that maybe someone else could convince her this is not true. All who know me know that I am the least materialistic person there is.
It all ended with her telling me not to speak to her anymore … not for a year at least. I believe it is dementia. Memory loss, inability to handle so many things, calling me a liar all the time, people stealing things from her, misplacing things … the whole gamut.
I don’t know what to do. I am at my wits end. This is a mother who loved me always and whom I love dearly. I pray for her daily. I pray that she will not suffer to much and that when her life comes to an end it will be as easy as possible. I am grieving.
There is no way to have the kind of closure I am looking for … closure with love because she just doesn’t believe me or trust me anymore.
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I feel your pain.
BUT--don't send her money! She obviously doesn't need it. I don't say that to be mean, and I understand the bit about her wanting to leave everything to a beloved grandchild (that is going to be wonderful--wait and see)....and take a huge step back from her.
I am amazed at how we continue to jump through hoops to please our elderly parents, often at the loss of our own health and well being. You wouldn't put up wth a neighbor or friend treating you this way!
My mother has dangled the "inheritance carrot" in front of our faces for years and years. She has "given away" many of her belongings, pre-emptively by putting someone's name on a sticky note on the bottom of the item. 6 months later she's changed her mind completely. We all see it for what it is, and some of us deal better with it than others.
Taking a lot of much needed breaks (I am having serious marital problems that far supersede anything I'm dealing with, with her) and just being the one in control has helped me. I am respectful, but maintain my distance from her.
My mother has used the threat of her impending death to hang over my head for 50 years. I used to be scared of it..now I am scared she will never die.
You need to accept that she is not who she used to be--and to ignore and forget a lot of what is said. My mom can't carry a cohesive thought for 15 minutes--so I have learned to let what she says go in one ear and out the other--literally.
We were raised to respect our elders....and we do. But we cannot let them ruin our own mental health. Good luck.
Like others on this forum I went through this also. Mom started accusing me of all kinds of things; she changed her will and locks on her house so many times; it was ridiculous. I googled her symptoms and dementia came up. I called the Alzheimer's foundation and they told me nothing can be done with out a diagnosis. Get that diagnosis. When this first happens, I understand.... you are in a state of shock, your hurt, you can't believe what your parent is saying to you and they don't remember any of the good you have done. One thing to remember - there is no logic or reasoning with dementia. Avoid arguing at all costs, you will never convince her otherwise.
Mom hated me for about 6 months. I didn't talk to her for awhile and she forgot all about it. It was out of sight - out of mind. After 6 months I called her and she acted like nothing ever happened.
It took me awhile to get a diagnosis and I had to trick her. One day she didn't feel well; I told her about a friend of mine who was a nurse that could help and she agreed to go. She was angry once we got there, but then we went out to lunch, had fun and she forgot she was angry. Once I understood the disease it was easier to separate her behavior and not take it too personally. You can start with her primary care doctor; that did not work for me, but it may for you. I took my mom to a local hospital that did geriatric assessments. They were with her for 15 minutes and it was obvious she had Alzheimer's. Once you get that diagnosis - it will be documented that she cannot take care of herself. As others have stated someone will have to get POA. Don't worry about her being angry, she will eventually forget. Also get support from the Alzheimer's association or local group. It will be very beneficial.
Mom has a damaged brain. There are misfolded protein deposits in there, and/or dead cells, and/or atrophy. (Different kinds of dementia have different kinds of damage.) This is not something your mother asked for and not something that can be changed by reasoning, coaxing, detachment, or tough love. Mom's brain is damaged. And the damage will continue to get worse. There is no stopping it but death. But "worse" overall might mean "easier to cope with" in some ways. I was sooooo glad when my husband was past the paranoia/accusations stage!
It may seem cruel to be going on about this, but I think until you accept the basic fact of the situation -- Mom's brain is damaged -- I don't see how you can avoid taking it personally and being very hurt.
It might help to read a lot or go to a support group to learn about dementia and some strategies for dealing it. It sure helped me a lot to understand that my husband's accusations were a part of his illness and not a change in feelings for me.
Accusations about stealing are extremely common in dementia. She doesn't remember where she put something. Oh dear. Someone must have taken it! (There's nothing wrong with her memory, she reasons.) So she better hide her valuables. Then she not only doesn't remember where she hid them, she doesn't even remember that she did hide them. This reinforces the notion that someone is stealing her things! A very sad and vicious cycle. (To me, this paranoia phase was the single most difficult thing about my husband's dementia. It only lasted a few months for him, but in other cases it seems to last almost the rest of their lives.)
Knowing that it is common, not deliberate, and not really about you, may help you respond without escalating the stress. "Oh Mom! Your best embroidery scissors is missing? The very pointed one with handles like a bird? I know I did not deliberately take it, but I suppose I could have misplaced it accidentally. Let me help you look for it. If it doesn't show up in a few days, lets go to the craft store and get another good scissors." 1) Don't argue that you don't believe her, 2) Be sympathetic, 3) You don't have to say you took it but don't be defensive 4) Offer a solution if the item isn't found. In the more abstract accusations, the same approach applied. "Well, Mom, I certainly hope you don't die for many years yet. If you are worried about that, perhaps you could visit your doctor. If you make an appointment and need a ride, let me know. We all die someday, of course, and your money should be distributed just as you want it to be. If you are worried about that, would it help to have a conversation with your lawyer?"
Often the accusations are made about the person around the most. Sometimes they are about a phantom bad guy, which can be just as bad as then you may have to deal with how this guy is getting in and how to prevent that.
The more you know about dementia, the less hurtful some of the symptoms can become. Take care of yourself! If you need to physically detach and be around her less, do that for yourself.
I am sure this is incredibly painful to hear especially when your intentions are only to help her. Dementia often changes the personality so much, they do and say things they never would have before and they become unrecognizable from Mom you remember. Try not to take it personally, you cannot reason with someone who has dementia, so save your breath and your sanity. I will suggest someone getting her to a doctor for a more concrete diagnosis, (Do not tell her the real reason for the doc visit, make something else up, say, an overall check up) possibly meds could help her disposition if she is depressed. Second, I would quit helping her if she is talking to you like that. Use her money for outside help, that will certainly prove you are not concerned about helping her for an ulterior motive. Who has POA? The POA should be the designated person to handle her finances and physical well being if she should become incapacitated mentally and or physically. Is there a will or trust already drawn up? Whomever has POA needs to arrange an elder caregiver (who knows how to handle dementia) to go and help her out paid for with HER money. I would then just pop in here and there to see how she is doing, do not spend YOUR money or time if it only results in hurtful accusations of you trying to profit every time you are just trying to help her out. Also, that trip to the doc will help snap your brother out of denial when she has been clinically diagnosed with dementia.
Hang in there and try to remember who she was instead of who she is now. Hopefully, she was a nice Mom prior to the onset of this painful disease.
Our mother started with other signs (repeating herself, poor choice of words, having trouble with bills, etc), and because we (mostly ME) saw this, my younger brother installed some cameras. These were partly for monitoring her, but also the nursing aides we brought in. This setup allowed us to observe that 'sun-downing' appear and progress - initially a few times per week, per night, but it eventually grew into an hour to hour and a half marathon EVERY NIGHT - check the door lock, sidelights, kitchen (we eventually found out she was checking the dishwasher) and LR... over and over and over... augh! (I had to turn off the sound on my phone at night as I would get two alerts each time she tripped the camera and THAT was driving me nuts!) The point here is that sun-downing usually comes later in dementia, not first. If she is at this point and refusing help, she should not be alone, especially if she is on medication. Until you get brother on board, you might not make any headway in 'fixing' this situation. Without any kind of POA (DPOA is better) and/or being joint on her accounts, it will be difficult to know if she is paying her bills. IF you can get your hands on any older bills, you can call to check with them to see if there are any delinquent. I was able, through my own local PO , to temporarily forward her mail to me, so I could enter it all into the bill payer system AND change the billing addresses to mine - she DID get notice of this and was NOT happy, but it is what it is. Explaining it is only temporary *might* work, but if she has dementia, she will likely forget. In addition to doing this, we had to get her out of the place for a while so that I could remove ANY AND ALL paperwork, because she was digging out old stuff, getting confused, etc. The easiest thing in the world is to remove such stuff from sight!! Out of sight, out of mind... Not easy if she is watching, so distractions are needed! Just beware that we already had the DPOA/will/medical directives in place as well as she had even before then added all three of us to her account, so it was not hard to get everything transferred over to me (except for the remaining Federal issues - IRS, VA, SS and pension - I have commented on this for those who posted about banks refusal to accept even current DPOAs, but recently found a GREAT article here: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Make-Sure-You-Are-an-Authorized-Representative-for-Your-Loved-One-202376.htm?
THIS explained to me WHY these federal entities do not accept any POAs, durable or not, and it does make sense... however what does NOT make sense is that their forms require the incompetent person's signature, so WTH good is THAT? but I digress...
ALL the other issues you mention we saw as well. She also lived alone, and so on recommendation we set up a locked pill dispenser (blood pressure meds mostly - she had those weekly ones, but could not remember if she took them or not, and skipping is bad, but taking too many is as well!). You say your mom has congestive heart issue, so she most likely IS or should be on medication(s) and this should be a concern with her current condition. How do you know if she is taking them appropriately (as prescribed, no less, no more!)?
As for things she is saying to you or about you, do not take those to heart. It still hurts, but once you realize it is NOT your real mom saying these things, you CAN learn to let it roll off you shoulders! Consider that her brain is *not* functioning properly. Our mom made some accusations about others taking her stuff, but in reality she just misplaced the items. Even before dementia set in, she was always one to make not nice comments about others when talking to me (I was disgusted about some of this but let it go), and it continued and/or got worse. One time while talking to me on the phone, she thought I was my SIL and made these nasty comments about ME, and that was before dementia set in. Your mom, you say, loved you so having her say these things now is out of character. This is "normal" with dementia. I learned before my brothers (younger one was also in denial - this can happen especially if that person does not interface as much with mom AND if mom is a 'show-timer' - this is when they can comport themselves enough to *appear* normal for short periods of time, say at a doctor appointment or relatively short visit from your brother). If possible, read up as much as you can on dementia and feed that information to him. If he visits, try to be there when he is and on the sly try to elicit some of the behaviors you observe. He needs to understand all this so that you can work together to find the best way to help mom.
As for being the "peg" - it it not something you did intentionally, other than being the 'visible' one. When something happens not to our mother's liking, I get the blame. Not my brothers, ME, even if I had nothing to do with it. I talked on the phone more often and stopped in more often than they did (one is not local, the other visited on occasion, but usually when mom needed some specific thing done, so he *really* did not see this!) I was the one who identified this issue, took over her bills, etc, initiated the car removal (although my younger brother did ALL the talking and took the key, I got the nasty phone calls that accused me of taking them, then when she found the other key I knew she had, called again when the car would not start - I had bro disable it, but he skated, I got the accusations). So, by default YOU get the flak. Again, please try to let it slide off... redirect her attention to something else if you can!
There is no reasoning with someone who has this affliction. When you are there, do not try to reason or explain - redirect focus if you can to something else, hopefully something she DOES still enjoy. If she is refusing your food, and help, how bad is she without it? Although mom's place appeared clean and she constantly said she is independent, she can cook, she can take care of herself, she doesn't drive far, and after about 2.5 months refused the aides (they were only really doing a welfare check, for about an hour), we had to take action. After the fact (we managed to move her to memory care) in cleaning out the refrigerator, I found that despite having wax paper, plastic wrap and sealing baggies to freeze items, including muffins she like to cut in half and freeze, she was wrapping them in torn up grocery bag plastic! Stopping in I found that despite providing her with copious trash bags (bulk purchase), unless I put enough of them in the bottom of the trash can she was replacing the disposed bag with grocery bags, not nearly big enough.
Anyway, please please please do NOT take mom's hurtful words to heart. It is not her saying these things, it is the illness talking. As for what to do, if there is nothing legal in place, you might have to get APS involved, and although it is expensive, get guardianship and conservatorship set up via an elder care attorney so that you CAN make decisions for her. Without any of that, her doctor cannot discuss anything with you, but you CAN provide him/her with your concerns and observations. Most likely she will need to be moved to a memory care facility, so start looking at those now (no cost other than time or gas to look) - they are not all equal and you need to find the right place that has available space before the time to move comes!
Final note - when she says not to talk to her or stop by, have you tried at all after she said that? If this is truly dementia, she might not even remember saying it. Try a call or visit (just a visit, no cleaning, cooking, or suggesting anything to help). If she accepts it, then you will know for sure!
Your right, we should not help for money, yet to be treated fair by her is important. You say he needs it more, yet you do more for her. It is not a payoff, but leaving equal shares is a parents way of caring about her children, even if they are grown. Many grown children will manipulate their elder parent to gain an unfair advantage based on greed. And yet give nothing back. You should be treated equally not out if need, but respect for you.
There was mention above of detaching and I did that with my mother. I was her caregiver 24/7. I mentally detached some of what she was saying from her.
Basically it is this: you were always close, you loved and still love each other. When she says unkind things it is not her saying it, it is the disease saying it. Think of your past relationship - who you KNOW her to be when in a healthy state. When she says these awful things think about how you can make this interaction best for the non-diseased her. You do that by moving her to more pleasant things. If she says you want her money, tell her "i have enough money and don't need anymore, but thank you for thinking of me. You had mentioned giving it to grandson. It could be a tremendous benefit to him especially if he uses it to pay for his college." Then you can take it from there, talk about his talents, his interests, the last time he visited - whatever.
Another thought is how you actually talk to her when you see her. I agree with a previous post, for now do not go to clean or do anything other than visit. She is losing her independence and may feel you are trying to take more from her by telling her what to do. I did it. At first When I wanted her to do something I would ask her what she thought of doing it, or if she wanted to do it, or comment that "some people do it this way...". After years of this I was worn out and more oriented to efficiency of words. Instead I was saying "Momma you need to XYZ". It was a caregiver that pointed it out to me. I had become directive, but none of us likes to be just told what to do. I had to change my communication patterns. You have to think about the wording you choose to communicate even common things if you want a favorable response. It can make your life much more pleasant together.
I talked to my mother the way her diseased mind needed me to, because my real mom would have wanted me to.
The next time your mom brings up this topic on her estate, I personally would handle it something like this, like just reminding them they can't take it with them when they go. This is exactly what I was say given this particular scenario, "Naked you come, naked you go!" I would also look at the comical side of this and wonder if she's planning for a U-Haul truck behind the hearse. I would just be curious to see what she says in reply. I even heard a song about this very thing and part of the chorus says, "there ain't got to be no U-Haul behind you all when you die, you can't take it with you although some of you may try!" I actually know the person who wrote the song, he's been to our church multiple times. He's actually a Christian artist who wrote the song that speaks the truth about people who want to take their wealth with them when they die. No matter how rich or poor we are, in the end we will all leave this life naked and we will leave everything. Have you ever noticed how as people age they gradually start transitioning and winding down toward the grave? One of those signs is when things and even money doesn't matter as much as it did when we were younger. Maybe this might very well be in part what God was talking about when he mentioned something about all things being dung upon the earth.
I don't think this lady you're talking about is even thinking about her future and her eventual mortality if all she cares about is things and money. No matter who we are or where we've been in this life, we will all have the same end, we will all leave naked and with nothing. Definitely remind her of this each and every time she brings up this topic and keep repeating it if necessary until she gets it. I know she'll eventually get it because she'll be sick of hearing about it each time she brings it up. The key is to let her initiate it and let her walk into it and then you finish it. Again, let her bring it up and walk right into it. Let her initiate it and then keep throwing the reminders up in her face if she's going to throw this in your face. If she's going to talk like this, then stoop to her level and remind her she can't take it with her when she dies or ask her if she's planning to have a U-Haul truck behind a hearse. If all she talks about is her wealth and her death, this is exactly how I'd handle it
Square your shoulders and detach a bit. Detach with love is the expression. Don't go over to visit so much. Find your own happiness and acceptance from others in your life.
I do not think I am exaggerating when I say that we all have to find this "detachment moment." It is the moment we realize that the dementia has already "detached" our elders from us. We have to find a new normal.
Good luck!
As CountryMouse points out, your mother's depression is looking for a peg to hang its hat on. "You provided the peg", meaning of your, that you are the one who visits, who cares, who shows up. It's a very old story here; you haven't done anything to deserve being the peg; you're "it" by being available.
Take all the steps above, talk to her doctor, call social services and have a needs assessment done.
But I also want you to consider whether or not you're depressed. You certainly sound it and if you haven't been evaluated for depression, I urge you to do so. It's very, very hard to deal with a situation like this when you are under the rain cloud of depression yourself.
Please tell us how you are making out; we learn from each other here.
One is that she ran her own business, and I think she saw her identity, her success, and the money all intertwined. If your mom was wise enough to put the money aside, maybe it's a source of pride for her. Maybe she wants praise for that, or maybe it is her way of taking care of you all after she's gone.
The other issue was that the aunt really needed help (which we were too young to realize at the time.) My aunt relied on a distant cousin and a couple friends (who were also very money-oriented) for transportation and support. Her husband was going downhill, and I think the promise of inheriting money was something she thought would keep those people tied to her. (What my mom did for her was just done out of caring. We found her "Don't you want my money?" comments appalling at the time.)
On top of those things, she was in her 80s and was developing paranoia and was very suspicious.
The kinds of statements your mom is making probably come out of fear. It could be dementia or another medical issue creating the paranoia and irritability. (It might help to check the side effects of any medications she's on, also.) But in the meantime, instead of saying, "I don't want your money," it might be better to say, "Mom, what's important to me right now is that you are safe and comfortable, and that you know how much I love you" or "You have been really careful with your money and were smart to do that. I know you did that for all of us, but we want you to enjoy your money and use it when you need it" or just ask her why she thinks that, and see if she can talk herself out of it. Try not to take your mom's words to heart, if you can help it. You are the one who is with her the most, so maybe that's why you get the brunt of it. It sounds like you are doing a lot to help her!
Does she see a Dr and take medications. The Dr can't talk to you without her permission but you can write him/her a letter laying out all of your concerns just as you have to us. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/signs-your-parent-needs-help-143228.htm
Take notes and take them to her doctor or your doctor saying you believe your mother has dementia and she needs help. Is her home safe for her? Is she properly nourished, and kept clean and so on. Does she take her meds properly.
I know it is very hard having a parent turn on you, but at this point, you need to deal with that separately (and with professional help if you require it) from dealing with your mother's situation.
Call your local agency for aging and social services and see what ideas they have to help you mother. as well as what has been suggested above. You may want to call APS to do a check on your mother as she is a vulnerable senior. At this point, it is likely that non family may have better success in getting your mother the help she needs than family can.
My heart goes out to you as you have lost the mother you knew. Her accusations comes from the condition of her brain which sounds damaged, Paranoia is common with the onset of dementia. ((((((hugs))))))
When you say ten years is a long time, do you mean she's been rejecting you for ten years, you've been worrying about this money fantasy-anxiety of hers for ten years, or what?
You don't need POA to take medical advice about your mother's mental state, and you don't need your brother's permission either.
You do need to respect your mother's wishes; but balanced with that you need also to think about what her wishes would have been were she in her right mind, which at this point she probably isn't. There is a stoical school of thought that says if she chooses to live unsupported at home, no matter what the consequences, then she has that right; but then again if you can do something to change her level of risk won't you want to know that you have done all you can within the bounds of her preferences?
This isn't about cleaning, or her legacies, or anything domestic or social. This is about her being mentally ill as a direct consequence of her chronic physical illness and needing treatment. Once her depression is under control - if that's what it is - then the misery will lift enough for her to be able to think straight. Or at least straighter than she currently is doing.
Perhaps you could talk to your own doctor about ways and means of getting your mother's mental state evaluated. The catalogue includes: self-neglect; her medical history + ? vascular dementia; self-isolation; lack of support; and suspected severe depression. So if that were your doctor's patient, you ask, what steps could be taken?
Why? Why isn't she using the money she has saved up?
As an illustration, my mother experienced a sense of utter dread and hopeless misery, to the point that this woman - who "didn't believe in" psychology - at last agreed that she might be depressed and she might need some help.
This isn't her feeling sad because she's perhaps lonely or frail or unable to get around as she used to. It's full-blown irrational heartbreak. And what she's doing is trying to find things to hang it on. You just gave her a peg for it, that's all. There's nothing *real* about what she said to you. Remember that, because you have to be the rational person for both of you.
You say your brother's in denial; and your mother's living alone? So who's taking care of her?